I met him on OkCupid.
We dated for a bit over a year where I am originally from before his roommate decided not to renew their lease and he ended up leaving the state. That's just how he is. Wants new experiences; people, places, things.
After a month of being out here, he invited me to move out to be with him.
We do live together, he is just asleep. Communicating by text is much easier for me, particularly when upset.
KyleKat, he's dwelling on the opportunities I have had to leave in the past that I did not take, prior to pregnancy, and how this could have been avoided. I don't know where to go with that because I do not dwell on the past. I have never regretted a single thing I have done, but I am starting to question myself on this.
I can't just forget his words. Especially not when he repeats them, and is asking if it's going in one ear and out the other because I refuse to respond to him trying to provoke me, or can't answer the "why" of something.
I can count the number of times I have ever raised my voice to someone on my fingers, and tonight has added to it.
On being introspective, it's not enough. Apparently because I do not know the root cause of why I feel jealous, threatened, and insecure, it is not good enough. It doesn't matter that it may very well not change a thing, and he knows it may not, but I just need to know, just because.
I can tell him why his refusal to use protection during oral bothers me, that it is a threat to my health, and he says something about how I get cold sores and he doesn't use it with me, and that it's not like he's out screwing a bunch of dirty girls.
Yes, because only "dirty girls" have STIs, apparently. My concern for my health based on his sex life is invalid.
When talking about what happens if he falls for someone else down the road, I can tell him I do not want to split time with someone else, I do not want someone else living with us, and I do not want another relationship taking away from him spending time with me or our son. He doesn't seem to care that I do not want these things, he wants to know why. Time is not an infinite resource. Doesn't matter, though, that is apparently not important.
I use almost exclusively "I" statements, but it seems this only comes across as selfish to him.
I'd rather be asleep not because I am tired, but because I just dislike being angry. He kept me up all day talking to him about this after I only got one hour of sleep last night. I went to bed as soon as he did, and only started working on this email a half hour or so after I woke up. It was only a few hours, but now I am rather awake.
He has to work in the morning, so who knows when we'll actually talk.
I get the feeling I can expect him to start being spiteful again, and schedule some dates for this next week, probably consecutively.
I don't know how we're supposed to talk when not wound up. He's hurt and angry, I'm hurt and he's doing a fine job of making me angry, insinuating that I just don't care about him or what is best for our son.
Because obviously I should just stay here and work on it, regardless of how unhappy it has been making me, regardless of being down enough a couple weeks ago that I went so far as to hurt myself, and regardless of how much of this unhappiness our boy will be exposed to.
We can't afford counseling, and my mother was looking at getting a loan to get me out of here.
I really don't think he'd fight me for custody. He just really, really does not want me to leave with him.
I'm sorry if this is all rant-y. I'm in a foul mood, and I don't mean to take it out on people who are just trying to help.
I suppose since he won't have time to read it in the morning anyway, I'll save my email as a draft after I finish writing it and review it in the morning.
I want to repair it. I want us to be on good terms, together or not, but I'm not sure that's possible when I would be taking our son to another state. I've never had a bad breakup. This is one hell of a time to start.