Isn't this poly behavior?

It's a bit harder to live together, and harder still when she doesn't have anywhere to go yet. Being around someone constantly and trying not to let a single affectionate gesture get through is a little tough...



I've tried breaking up with her, and it just doesn't take. I just get guilt trips about leaving her alone when she's feeling bad, or she didn't get to spend enough time with her dog (dog lives with me because her hip displaysia and arthritis make the stairs to the g/f's apartment too difficult.) Eventually she works her way back in, I try to act like her friend, she cuddles up to me and keeps my hopes up... and the cycle repeats.


Does she live with you, or does she live with you not?

Which one is it?
 
It's a bit harder to live together, and harder still when she doesn't have anywhere to go yet.

I trust that you don't live on Mercury, and that there are "apartment complexes" on your Earthly habitat.

Where did she live before she started living with you? I'm always a little baffled by this excuse because it's not like your partner just came out of the womb and there you were to catch them - they were fully functional human beings before they met you, why can't they do that now?

Do what you want, I'm just advising against letting an excuse pose as reason.
 
Marcus, the OP can't even figure out IF she lives there. The only thing that is for sure is that her DOG lives with him and she visits the dog. The dog is the excuse-reason.
 
This week is making me wonder if this board IS made up of entirely of accounts run by Franklin Veaux

Franklin would do a much better job at this i am guessing.
 
Also, I actually did tell her I'd be just friends... a week and a half later she got upset when I went out with one of my old college buddies, because she was afraid I might be hitting on women. It actually does take two people to let go of a relationship...

No this is just wrong. OP I rarely say things like that because most of the time there is no wrong way - better maybe, or less good but not 'wrong'. It only takes one person to break up.

I understand you want her to be ok. Give her money for a month's rent.
Or you move out and she has a month to find a roommate. Does she have parents? Any friends at all? Do you have parents or any other friends? Go stay with them.

So she has a fucking fit? So what? Let her scream. Go get a beer and leave her alone. Stop letting her temper control you. She wants to coo and cuddle? That's the carrot. Stop accepting this extremely unhealthy dynamic. You are not good for her and she is not good for you. Get away from each other.
 
This week is making me wonder if this board IS made up entirely of accounts run by Franklin Veaux

I know! Or maybe BG is doing it.. hmmm...

:eek: :D
 
I know! Or maybe BG is doing it.. hmmm...

:eek: :D


I've already admitted somewhere else that dirtclustit is a figment of my poly imaginary friend.

Other than that, it's just me, myself, and Id.

Is this poly behaviour? Is this a dessert topping? You decide. Language is fluid, so it's probably dessert topping.
 
Also, I actually did tell her I'd be just friends... a week and a half later she got upset when I went out with one of my old college buddies, because she was afraid I might be hitting on women. It actually does take two people to let go of a relationship...

Only if you let it. You are a free human being, no? So she gets upset. Let her get upset. That's only your problem if you allow it to be your problem.

Possible reaction #1:
"She's upset with me. I must change my behaviour so she's not upset with me."

Possible reaction #2:
"She's upset with me. I tell her, politely, to get the fuck over it. I tell her that as a free human being, I'm choosing to go out with my college buddies, I might even choose to hit on women."

As long as you're cowtailing to her whims, what motivation does she have to change? Humans don't tend to change unless they have to. You have the option to force her to change, one way or another.

I never said it would be easy.
 
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I trust that you don't live on Mercury, and that there are "apartment complexes" on your Earthly habitat.

Where did she live before she started living with you? I'm always a little baffled by this excuse because it's not like your partner just came out of the womb and there you were to catch them - they were fully functional human beings before they met you, why can't they do that now?

Do what you want, I'm just advising against letting an excuse pose as reason.

I'm in the process of buying the house she owned before we started living together. So it's not exactly simple for me to just move out for a couple months, and she can't afford to move until she gets the money from the house sale.

BoringGuy

Let's see, we live in a duplex and she "lives" in the upstairs apartment. Which means:
1) Sleeps there
2) Showers there

Basically everything else is in my apartment, including her dog. So if we're avoiding each other and she wants to watch tv and hang with her dog I have to find stuff to do outside of the house. Neither of us wants to torture the arthritic dog by sending her upstairs constantly... she limps for a full day after one round trip. When she wants breakfast or dinner, she's in my kitchen making it.

So yeah, "live together" may not be entirely accurate... but it's not like she lives across town.

I've thought of getting a short-term apartment somewhere just until the house closes, but I don't think I can really afford it. Then, of course, it's not like she's going to instantly disappear once we close...
 
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The only thing that ever truly stops a person from changing is the belief that they cannot change.

It doesn't take much thinking to get around your objections.

For example, is this the only house for sale in the city? Buying her house made sense when you were together, but obviously your situation has changed and that probably doesn't make sense any more.

If it's a duplex, then each apartment has its own kitchen, so your excuse that she has to cook at your place is complete hogwash.

FFS, quit using the dog as an excuse. If it's really that big of a deal, you could swap apartments so that she could live downstairs with her dog.

More than anything, your excuses prove that you really don't want to change the situation, that you're a masochist who likes living in misery. I'm not sure what you actually hope to find here?
 
My ex is doing this exact same thing sort of, with their most recent/current/soon to be erstwhile / hanging on for dear life or death whichever comes first / ex. Not the part about living together they moved out but they have dogs and she works for his company but she pays HIM instead and it's fucked up. But it's excuses excuses and i cant have her move in because i have cats and we tried it already last time she fucked up her life and it did not work out, tl;dr.

I have also been on the other side and back again to varying degrees, one or the other. So you see even though i don't write an autobiography for posterity every time i dictate what other people should do, these words come from a place known as reality and experience, not fantasy or hypothetical reality.
 
The only thing that ever truly stops a person from changing is the belief that they cannot change.

It doesn't take much thinking to get around your objections.

For example, is this the only house for sale in the city? Buying her house made sense when you were together, but obviously your situation has changed and that probably doesn't make sense any more.

I wasn't buying it because we were together, I'm buying it partly as a favor to her... but mostly because I can rent out one apartment for a profit. Yes, there are other houses but I'm not going to betray her that much. Also, the mortgage application is already in... basically just waiting for it to close now.

If it's a duplex, then each apartment has its own kitchen, so your excuse that she has to cook at your place is complete hogwash.

I never said she has to, I said she does. I will be talking to her soon about getting her own food for her own apartment.

FFS, quit using the dog as an excuse. If it's really that big of a deal, you could swap apartments so that she could live downstairs with her dog.

Right, because I really want to move a 56" tv and king size bed upstairs for two months. Or go without those things... seriously, her tv is smaller than my computer monitor....

More than anything, your excuses prove that you really don't want to change the situation, that you're a masochist who likes living in misery. I'm not sure what you actually hope to find here?

No, the situation is just complicated. People love to make things simple when giving advice, but things rarely are. Married women get halfway houses to get a new start for instance, but if things were just as simple as saying "we're done let's separate and move on" there would be no need for halfway houses.
 
My ex is doing this exact same thing sort of, with their most recent/current/soon to be erstwhile / hanging on for dear life or death whichever comes first / ex. Not the part about living together they moved out but they have dogs and she works for his company but she pays HIM instead and it's fucked up. But it's excuses excuses and i cant have her move in because i have cats and we tried it already last time she fucked up her life and it did not work out, tl;dr.

I have also been on the other side and back again to varying degrees, one or the other. So you see even though i don't write an autobiography for posterity every time i dictate what other people should do, these words come from a place known as reality and experience, not fantasy or hypothetical reality.

So you've been in the situation(s) multiple times, but can't understand what is happening with me? :p
 
So you've been in the situation(s) multiple times, but can't understand what is happening with me? :p

Wow you really like to twist things around. Sticking your tongue out at me is pretty irrelevant too. Is that supposed to mean that you made a counterpoint or what does it signify? Humor? Hostility? Not sure if i should feel "dismissed", or not.

Hello? I DO understand what is happening with you. I understand how to make it UNhappen. And the point of talking these things over with strangers on the internet is to get the benefit of other people's experience, is it not? That is why i'm here. Just because i don't start threads about things that other people have discussed to a pulp, does not mean i am disinterested in their process.

You are a waste of my time. All you want to do is explain why you "can't". Now it's not the dog anymore, it's the TV. It is obvious that these material possessions have a lot of power over your personal life and relationship decisions. Nothing wrong with that, but you have made your choices and you must live with them, no one else must do so.
 
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Wow you really like to twist things around. Sticking your tongue out at me is pretty irrelevant too. Is that supposed to mean that you made a counterpoint or what does it signify? Humor? Hostility? Not sure if i should feel "dismissed", or not.

Humor. I was being a bit tongue-in-cheek.

Hello? I DO understand what is happening with you. I understand how to make it UNhappen. And the point of talking these things over with strangers on the internet is to get the benefit of other people's experience, is it not? That is why i'm here. Just because i don't start threads about things that other people have discussed to a pulp, does not mean i am disinterested in their process.

Yes, but it's a double-edged sword as well because it seems much simpler when you're giving the advice and don't really know all the details of a situation. Keep in mind I'm not saying you, or anyone else here, is wrong about the advice... I'm mostly just adding detail where I think a point was missed.

For instance, "just move out" seems simple on the surface but logistically it's actually pretty complex. This is why halfway houses exist for women to get out of abusive relationships. Just moving out is really easy to say, and is correct... but it's not always easy to DO.

You are a waste of my time.

Now THAT is hostile...

All you want to do is explain why you "can't". Now it's not the dog anymore, it's the TV. It is obvious that these material possessions have a lot of power over your personal life and relationship decisions. Nothing wrong with that, but you have made your choices and you must live with them, no one else must do so.

The tv and bed were a quick, drunken example at 4:30am. Swapping apartments only really takes care of the dog, but nothing else without a lot of logistics to take care of.
 
Now THAT is hostile...

No, it is not "hostile". I am not "attacking" you. I'm DISMISSING you. YOU are a waste of my time, but this thread is being viewed by others to whom these posts may NOT be a waste.

(Is "hostile" the new showstopper lately? All someone has to do is decide another person "is" hostile and all bets are off?)

Just wanted to clarify my intent there, like it says to do in the rules. I don't want to get in trouble for "perceived hostility". :)
 
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The tv and bed were a quick, drunken example at 4:30am. .

Didn't you write that you were drunk at another point as well? Are you getting drunk at lot? I would watch out for that, I personally have two friends I love who turned to drink after the loss of a relationship. If this situation is making you so miserable that you are finding solace in the bottle, don't you think you need to find your backbone and take control back of your life?
 
Didn't you write that you were drunk at another point as well? Are you getting drunk at lot? I would watch out for that, I personally have two friends I love who turned to drink after the loss of a relationship. If this situation is making you so miserable that you are finding solace in the bottle, don't you think you need to find your backbone and take control back of your life?

Saturday night I went out, that's all. Was less about seeking solace than about trying to be out there...
 
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