Need some advices / views

lafeelicite

New member
Hi all!

I apologize for my english, it is not my mother tongue. But it is the langage we both speak with my bf so it makes sense to be on this forum, I guess :)

I am divorced and mother of a 3 years old child. I am together with my BF since 8 months. We where first in open relationship, i didn't want strings as I was recently divorced. But we decided to become a couple and I didn't feel anymore the wish to have sex with other partners. Not talking about polyamory, I didn't even know so well the concept.
Our relationship is great: he are very authentic, we can talk about everything, we have a deep mutual respect and love. Sex is also great. Only thing I was concerned without raising so much the subject was his wish to become a father (I want other childrens and a familiy life) and his involvment with my son (they don't speak the same language so it can be tricky).

2 weeks ago, I went to a BBQ on my own and met a stranger. I felt in love with him, wich never happened to me before, specially being already in a relationship (and a great one!)

I have opened my heart to this new person (lets call him Y) and told him that I am in a relationship and very happy. He said he would be open to try poyamoric relationship, not knowing it but open.
I talked to my BF about this crush and that I wanted to be in a relationship with both of them. He reacted greatly, not judging and not throwing his feelings on me... but said it is not for him.

Since then, we had several talks with BF. I decided I don't go for Y. within the next month so we can give each other some time to think if there is space for a solution that would fit for everyone. But since I became obsessed with this. My feelings for BF increased and are enhanced by our talks and sex and the time we have together. It is even becoming quite passionate and i feel a bit too dependant on him (I have this tendancy).
At the same time, I still have Y in my head and I feel I have something to live with him.

I go on individual therapy session and my therapist thought I should ask BF a break to go with Y and confront my fantasy to reality. As I was as well suffering and felt that BF was too (a strong schema in me is being afraid of making the loved one suffer), I followed her idea. BF was away for a few day, we had this talk on phone.
But since then (2 days ago), I was not able to see Y who is busy and I still text with BF and share how much we love each other.
He is coming back tomorrow and we both want to see each other but i don't know what is a good idea. I still want to try something with Y and would like to go for polyamory. I don't want that BF accept that only because it is too much pain to loose our connection. I don't want him to betrail himself and his needs.

Am I thinking wrong somewhere? Do you have any idea / other way to look at the situation that could help me rethink about it?

Thank you very much for reading me and if you can, taking the time to reply. I have been reading this forum since 2 weeks and I think comments are very usefull and respectful
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I still want to try something with Y and would like to go for polyamory.

These are the things you want. You want to try a polyamorous relationship. You can inform BF and Y that you would like to try it with them. All you can do is be honest about what you want.

Y can decide if he also wants this. Or not.

BF can decide if he also wants this. Or not.

I don't want that BF accept that only because it is too much pain to loose our connection. I don't want him to betrail himself and his needs.

I can see your concern.

But what your BF chooses? That is up to him.

If he chooses poorly? And agrees to polyamory when he really does not want it? Rather than sticking with his original "No, not for me?"

Hopefully when it begins to hurt him, the hurt makes him question why he is even doing this when he does not even really want it. Hopefully he comes to realize "I have compromised myself and my values in agreeing to do something I do not really want. And no, not even for lafeelicite will I do things that hurt me." So he makes a NEW choice. He stops participating with you.

Or YOU end it with him because you observe him hurting and you observe him participating in something he does not really want. And YOU don't want to observe that any more or contribute to his pain. You stop participating with him.

Galagirl
 
Hi lafeelicite,

I don't know what to suggest to you, but it does sound like you have strong feelings for Y, and an inclination for poly that BF does not share. I suggest you and BF take a break for awhile, to allow you to pursue things with Y and see how that goes. If that leads to you not feeling like you are poly, you can return to BF as a mono. Though I think you'll find you are poly. Just my instincts.

I hope this is of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
2 weeks ago, I went to a BBQ on my own and met a stranger. I felt in love with him.....I have opened my heart to this new person.... My feelings for BF increased and are enhanced by our talks and sex and the time we have together. It is even becoming quite passionate and i feel a bit too dependant on him (I have this tendancy).


Just to clarify:

Did you meet "Y" two weeks ago?
 
It's a bit real, not a little like you already knew was really not supposed to be an issue. Though who knows? Like they said... I paraphrase... You can go back or...
 
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You gonna deal...but think you knew already, going in... You knew... Now we make it work or it doesn't... But seems alright to me!
You know your real self somehow knows, and are prepping to embrace Poly...
 
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Hi

I don't often disagree with counsellors, but if your counsellor suggested you break up with BF whom you have said you still love so that you can start a relationship with a person you met 2 weeks ago, I would see a second counsellor for a second opinion.

Polyamory is difficult to do for a couple if you already have a third person in mind. To your BF, he is hearing you say that you have betrayed your love for him by loving someone else and now want him to be happy in letting you explore this. It's very painful for him. Maybe too painful. Maybe you can give him more time? If Mr. New Guy is not going anywhere, maybe you can tell Mr. New guy you want to date him but you want to let your BF get used to the idea first. It may take a few months.

During these few months, let your BF get used to the idea that you can love two people at the same time. Let BF see that this love you feel for another man will not change your relationship with BF. Show BF you can give BF love even if you love someone else.

During these few months, look into polyamory. Have a look at a few of these links. There's a lot to read so read slowly. Share your reading with BF and Mr. New Guy.

Finally, if BF says he is hurting because it feels like you are having an affair, stop everything with Mr. New Guy for a while and let us know. We can help with that.

Good luck!
-Shaya.
 
Thank you so much for your replies, it means a lot to me :)

FallenAngelina, I met Y 3 weeks ago. And never experienced such a crush on someone before him.

Galagirl, thank you. I really like how you put things clearly and it helps me to see how things are and who is responsible for what.
I want to keep in mind what you say, if I observe and if it is too hard for me to see him compromise himself, i can take a decision.

I don't know what to suggest to you, but it does sound like you have strong feelings for Y, and an inclination for poly that BF does not share. I suggest you and BF take a break for awhile, to allow you to pursue things with Y and see how that goes. If that leads to you not feeling like you are poly, you can return to BF as a mono. Though I think you'll find you are poly. Just my instincts.

Thank you ktd. I think I will find out as well that I am poly. Which is partly very exciting and partly frightening.
What is hard for me with the break idea and I think that's why it doesn't work is because I don't want to break up with BF.
Part of me thinks that I am not showing him that I can still love him when I do have a crush for someone also when I ask for a break and don't see him anymore. As he was not able either to put strong rules for this break, it doesn't look like it at all!

Aery, I am sorry, I don't really get where you want to go :confused:

Hi

I don't often disagree with counsellors, but if your counsellor suggested you break up with BF whom you have said you still love so that you can start a relationship with a person you met 2 weeks ago, I would see a second counsellor for a second opinion.

Hi Shaya, thank you for your opinion. To be more precised, she said I should ask BF a break: we split but I can come back to him as mono if I realise I was only projecting, within a time he decides. Which was an option we discussed with BF before I said I don't go for a while.

Polyamory is difficult to do for a couple if you already have a third person in mind. To your BF, he is hearing you say that you have betrayed your love for him by loving someone else and now want him to be happy in letting you explore this. It's very painful for him. Maybe too painful. Maybe you can give him more time? If Mr. New Guy is not going anywhere, maybe you can tell Mr. New guy you want to date him but you want to let your BF get used to the idea first. It may take a few months.

BF didn't feel betrayed. He sees he can still trust me and truly believe me when I tell him I love him and I have the crush, one not taking from the other one. Now it is not too painful he says. He fears to face jealousy and competition feelings and that we loose our intimacy.
I have seen already Mr. New Guy several time and we both want to go a step further. I don't know if it is cultural (I am french) but we don't date so long before having sex (or at least I don't :D) and then we often call it relationship. What do you mean by dating, please?
I know I am being egoistic here but months feels like eternity!
I really tried to give time to BF and me, but I still feel like things have to move now.

During these few months, let your BF get used to the idea that you can love two people at the same time. Let BF see that this love you feel for another man will not change your relationship with BF. Show BF you can give BF love even if you love someone else.

He is experiencing that now. But my feelings for Y. are only abstract, I haven't seen him since 10 days.

During these few months, look into polyamory. Have a look at a few of these links. There's a lot to read so read slowly. Share your reading with BF and Mr. New Guy.

Thank you, I will read more. I'll maybe show this thread to BF. I surely have to talk more about polyamory with Y. but I guess it is kind of strange to have this talks with someone your are not even together with.

Finally, if BF says he is hurting because it feels like you are having an affair, stop everything with Mr. New Guy for a while and let us know. We can help with that.

Good luck!

Thank you, I will!
 
I met Y 3 weeks ago. And never experienced such a crush on someone before him.
At the beginning, you called this feeling "love" -- I am glad to see that you have stepped back.

I've had the experience at least a dozen times of meeting someone for the first time, or even just seeing her in a crowd as thoughundera spotlight. It's an incredible feeling. Of those I actually spoke with, most became a friend, & a few became a lover but short-term (less than a year) or sporadic.

So in my experience I would have to say it's great fun, often enlightening, & maybe even love, but NOT the sort of thing a central day-to-day relationship stems from.
 
Hi Ravenscroft,

thank you for your comment.
I think it could be my english level that makes me use "fall in love" and "crush" to express the same feeling. I wouldn't say I love Y, I don't know him.

Maybe this will lead to friendship, I just have very hard time not to test it and be good with this decision
 
Hi lafeelicite,

I think Ravenscroft was saying that for him, these initial bright sparky moments of absolute thunderbolt attraction may have been less about love and more about limerance. You can Google the word if you're interested but be aware that the word limerance is used most often when the feeling is unwanted, usually in the context of a person who is already married, developing feelings for someone whom they cannot pursue due to the limitations of monogamy. Most resources you will find about limerance will be about how it's more about a fantasy and hormones and not so much about love. The concept may be interesting to you but the practical advice on most websites about how to get rid of limerance may not be what you need.
 
Update

Hi All!

I just wanted to give you some update and still benefit from your advices or comments if you have any.

BF came back from his small trip and we met. We have spent amazing time together and the 3 of us with my son.
So obviously we didn't manage to keep to the break idea. We had a talk and he said he doesn't know yet if he could want polyamory or not. Part of him is interested, the other one not. I think he likes the freedom idea but he is affraid it would be to much stress and drama potential that he doesn't want.

I have spent an evening with Y. last week. We agreed with my BF that I wouldn't have sex with Y. and I came back to BF home to spend the night with him after.

I am still very attracted to Y. but it feels like I would be able to choose to "not go for him" and develop a friendship. But i don't want to, if i am egoistic here.
Y. is still ready to live whatever comes. I think he didn't have the same kind of crush I had for him, I am a lot more into him than he is to me.
The judge in me is telling me that I am not a good person, I am seeking for an affair with someone that is not into me, when I have already a BF. Feels like something is wrong with me :(

I found out I am not ready to give up on my BF for polyamory or for Y. as monogamous partner. But BF didn't ask such a thing so I am still facing myself and my own choices.
As well, it is hard to see how we could continue finding out limits here. I think BF is fine as long as I don't have sex with Y. and I keep being honest.
Y. is clear that he needs to have sex to become closer or find out he is not.
And me... I don't want to hurt BF neither Y., I want to have sex with Y. and be closer to him and still want to go on with BF.

I feel lost here. Thank you for reading me
 
Hi there,

Thanks for giving us an update. I'm really glad that you seemed to have a good time with Y and that your boyfriend was supportive for you.

I might have misunderstood what you said, but it seems to me that you said Y is not happy with polyamory. Many people on this forum will tell you to believe him when he says this. Many people in this situation before you have come to regrets 1 year later. I think if Y wants to be with just you and only you, and BF feels that you like Y more than you like BF, then BF will fear that you will leave him for Y. This is not polyamory. This will be serial monogamy.

Sorry. I know you don't want to hear this.

I think BF and Y both need more time to think about you. You are so super happy with new love and crush, you just want to go have fun lots. But for other people who are not so in love and not so much crushing, I think this is can be very difficult. I think it's a very confusing time for your BF.

I was very hurt by my wife's polyamory. Maybe you can look at my story.

Good luck Lafeelicite. I think you may be able to do polyamory in the future, but maybe give yourself and your boys more time. No need to rush, right?

-Shaya.

EDIT: You may also find this thread and this thread useful.
 
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Thank you Shaya for your reply!

I had read your story before and it was really a great source of inspiration to dig into myself. I hope you are good now :)

Y. says he is open to be in a polyamoric relationship. He never had that but he sees advantages and he is up to try. And I made it very clear, even more now that we became closer with my BF, that I wouldn't leave him for him, that I don't want to keep both of them and then choose.
Y. is really busy with other things and as well, as he didn't have this big crush for me, he is not pushing to see me or to have contact with me. Wich make things easier for me but I don't know what it could look like if we would go to next step.

For now I will try to take some distance to that. Also appreciate what I have with my BF and that he is opening himself to spend time with me and my son as well.

I will keep you posted and continue reading
 
Update

Hi All!

Almost a month have passed and I thought I would write some update, maybe it could be usefull for some people in a similar situation or at least it is a good exercice for me.
I also want to thank you for the quality of your answers, I don't write but i read a lot this forum thread and I find it very usefull!

I think a key thing I learned is the existence of NRE and what it can do. I was such in a hurry to live what I was forseeing as great with Y., I was almost ready to give up what we builted with my BF for almost a year!

I haven't seen much Y. neither texted and I am almost good with that. I have spend great time with my BF, he met my parents... we are moving forward together. We didn't have big talks about polyamory or being in an openrelationship. I think it is still an option and we probably will discuss that but we have other things to focus on now.

This story made me realize that it is ok to feel anything, that I can share and be honnest without destroying the other and that is amazing for my personal growing. Then I was able to make my own choice and also realize what I wanted to avoid by being in two relationships. In my case: time with myself, providing love to myself instead of seeking for it outside.

I don't know if i will live polyamory experience but I now know I am polyamorous. Do I want / do I have time/ energy to explore it? Not now, I have other challenges in my plate. No one knows about tomorrow.

Have a great day!
 
Hello!

It is always good to see an update. You can also start your own blog in the blog section.

You sound much healthier now, and also wiser, like you know more about what you want. I'm glad you are more comfortable with your feelings and in expressing them. I'm glad you have looked into self love. People say polyamory is about being able to love lots of others, but I think healthy polyamory is also about self love because what if your bf ends up loving you and another girl? If your bf spends only half his time with you and sometimes chooses the others girl's side in a disagreement that she has with you, or if he spends the night at her place and you're sleeping all alone, you may end up feeling very unloved and insecure, unless you are capable of self love first.

I'm happy for you, Lafeelicite. I'm glad you found our advice useful.

-Shaya
 
Thanks for the update.

Glad to hear you are doing relatively well after this experience. Coming to terms with being poly and realizing that just because you feel something doesn't mean you have to pursue it.

This story made me realize that it is ok to feel anything, that I can share and be honnest without destroying the other and that is amazing for my personal growing. Then I was able to make my own choice and also realize what I wanted to avoid by being in two relationships. In my case: time with myself, providing love to myself instead of seeking for it outside.

I'm glad the experience with simply speaking up and speaking honestly with your boyfriend led to this personal growth. You handle your stuff. You trust him to handle his stuff and speak up for himself if something bothers him. You don't have to worry that being authentic will "destroy" him.

Good also that you realized you were avoiding spending time on your own and avoiding learning how to do self love or self validation. When you can do those things on your own, you don't have to seek it from other people. So being with other people becomes more about wanting to be with those people. And not what they can help you do -- help you avoid things, or help give you things that you cannot make on your own.

Kudos!

Galagirl
 
Hi lafeelicite, thanks for posting that update, I am glad things are going a little smoother for you now. Polyamory is a possible option in the future, but for now it sounds like you are okay with being monogamous with your boyfriend.

Many regards,
Kevin T.
 
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