Considering divorce over Polyamory

Starz198710

New member
Hi all!

I am a monogamous female from North Dakota. I have been with my husband for 13 years, married 6. A little information: he has cheated on me too many times to count in the 13 years we've been together. About 2 years ago, he had another affair with a woman named "Kari" while I was pregnant with my first child. I forgave him and took him back. A couple months later, he came to me and said he finally figured out why he has cheated so much in the past. He said he was polyamorous and in love with "Kari" but also loved me very much. I've been struggling for TWO years with accepting this new lifestyle and just dont think I can do it anymore. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I have a hard time believing he is polyamorous and think it's just an excuse for him to have the best of both worlds so to speak. He constantly says that polyamory is based on a "mutual respect" but I'm feeling that he doesn't even care when he hurts me. Tonight was the last straw for me, I feel. He left me, in tears, to go have sex with "Kari". How is this respectful in any way? I'm so hurt by this polyamory stuff and don't think I can do it any more. I want my husband to myself 100%. Maybe I'm considered selfish in your community. I dont know. I guess I'm just looking for any insight people have to offer. Thanks in advance!
 
Hi Starz, I'm not gonna mince words. I'm fairly new to this scene and my first plunge was garbage but... it sounds like, first of all, you haven't had your husband 100% to yourself at all. :( Sounds like he's just painting his cheating with a poly brush to keep you around. Second, such a blatant disregard of your feelings is SUPER not okay. I was in a similar situation with my SO and I brought my hammer down on being disregarded.

Personally... which you absolutely can ignore everything after this point... You should pack your things and your child and leave. It sounds like he's only out for himself and be damned to anything else that impedes him getting what he wants. I don't think it's selfish to want your husband to yourself, especially after so many betrayals of your trust. I don't think anyone here would find fault in your inability to put up with this fucking garbage nonsense your husband is throwing down. You're a person with feelings and they should be acknowledged and recognized. And he's definitely not showing you "mutual respect".
 
It is not selfish. It’s okay to be monogamous!

It sounds like your husband is non-monogamous by nature, but doesn’t really “get” polyamory. A polyamorous person can still listen to their monogamous wife, negotiate with her, listen to her feelings, choose NOT to continue a relationship that originated from cheating, etc. In most cases, even a polyamorous person can choose to be monogamous if maintaining a monogamous relationship is important enough to them. He’s had 13 years of non-monogamy and it doesn’t sound like he’s even tried to be monogamous after coming to this new self-awareness of his. After he figured out that he would prefer a polyamorous relationship shape, he should have spent these last two years reading, communicating with you, discussing boundaries, deciding together whether this is the right decision for you both. It sounds like he just slapped a new word on his cheating and figured it was up to you to come around.

I’m sorry. He honestly doesn’t sound worth it. If you want to give it one more shot, I would find a poly-friendly therapist (or any relationship therapist) to help facilitate.
 
Just another instance where a cake eater discoveries the term “poly” to continue their behavior and rationalize it. He has been cheating on your for years. The difference this time is when caught he won’t give her up.

You do not need any poly friendly therapist. You are not selfish, your husband is. You do not need to twist yourself into as pretzel emotionally to try to accommodate him.

You need a good attorney, not a poly friendly therapist to feed you some babble.
Protect yourself and make the choice that you feel comfortable with
 
Just another instance where a cake eater discoveries the term “poly” to continue their behavior and rationalize it. He has been cheating on your for years. The difference this time is when caught he won’t give her up.

You do not need any poly friendly therapist. You are not selfish, your husband is. You do not need to twist yourself into as pretzel emotionally to try to accommodate him.

You need a good attorney, not a poly friendly therapist to feed you some babble.
Protect yourself and make the choice that you feel comfortable with

My post may have been unclear. I definitely think he is not worth it and she should leave him. My advice to seek a poly friendly therapist would be with the intent of a neutral, informed, third party explaining to Starz’s husband that what he is doing is NOT polyamory.
 
Starz what you husband is doing is NOT polyamory.

He is a cheater using Polyamory to justify his cheating.

I am poly and I have NEVER cheated on a partner.
 
I'm sorry. :(

Years of cheating? I think that's enough reason to end it and divorce. I believe in second chances, but if behavior doesn't actually change? It's just more of same? Then that's not a second chance. It's him taking advantage/not being trustworthy.

You deserve to be treated well.

I've been struggling for TWO years with accepting this new lifestyle and just dont think I can do it anymore.

Then stop.

He constantly says that polyamory is based on a "mutual respect" but I'm feeling that he doesn't even care when he hurts me.

If you are not respected in your relationship? That's another reason to stop.

I don't think you are being selfish. (Is that what he calls you when you try to hold him accountable for his poor behavior?)

If anything, I think it's time to do your self care and STOP participating in this. :(

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting monogamy and wanting to be respected in a relationship. Trouble is... you have to accept you aren't going to get that here with this partner. Divorce is not a fun thing to think about, but I think in your case it's probably the best choice so you can stop hurting. It's ok to be at the last straw. It's ok to STOP. And this time don't take him back. Love him if you must, but from a distance because loving him up close keeps HURTING.

You have enough years to show that it just isn't going to work.

I can imagine that you don't want your kid to grow up thinking that this is what to expect in grown up relationships. To accept a lack of respect and accept years of cheating. Or that they grow up to be the one doing it to other people. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I am a monogamous female from North Dakota. I have been with my husband for 13 years, married 6. A little information: he has cheated on me too many times to count in the 13 years we've been together. About 2 years ago, he had another affair with a woman named "Kari" while I was pregnant with my first child. I forgave him and took him back.

Forgive me if I'm assuming anything that's not factual here, but you say you've been with this man for 13 years, during which time he's cheated "too many times to count" - yet you've only been married 6 years. By my calculations, that means he probably cheated on you a number of times before you even married him... so why did you?

Did you expect that "putting a ring on it" would miraculously change him? How? Did you ever seek couples counselling in the years before your marriage, or during the engagement?

Even during your pregnancy, when a woman is often very vulnerable physically and emotionally, he chose to cheat - the ultimate in disrespect. Yet you forgave him once again and have been struggling ever since to accept this new-found "revelation" that he's polyamorous.

I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I have a hard time believing he is polyamorous and think it's just an excuse for him to have the best of both worlds so to speak.

Judging by his past behaviour, it probably IS an excuse. So WHY excuse it? Believe me, I understand how hard it is to leave someone you truly love. But the old saying is true that "you teach someone how to treat you"... and by forgiving him for the same transgression over and over, you've effectively shown him that, no matter what stunt he pulls, he'll always be able to reel you back in with "heartfelt" apologies and promises to change that never materialise.

Please know, I'm not saying his infidelities are your "fault" in any way! However, when you decide to give someone a pass for such transgressive behaviour more than once or twice, it sends the message that YOU don't respect yourself very highly...so why should they? Unlimited "second chances" only serve to consolidate the person's belief that their "unforgiveable" behaviour is somehow acceptable and will be forgiven as long as they play their cards right.

I'm feeling that he doesn't even care when he hurts me. Tonight was the last straw for me, I feel. He left me, in tears, to go have sex with "Kari". How is this respectful in any way?

It's not respectful.

It doesn't sound to me like you ever actually agreed to a mono/poly relationship. Even if you said the words, the current dynamic arose directly from cheating (while you were pregnant and vulnerable!) and therefore, I believe you were more or less coerced into "accepting" a situation you really had little-to-no control over.

Obviously, you've been together a long time, live together and share a child (and probably assets). At the time your husband brought up the idea of "poly", you were either pregnant or a new mother, and thus very likely dependent upon your husband for a roof over your head, financial and parenting support. If nothing else, that is terrible timing on his part! You may have felt you had no choice BUT to accept the relationship changes he proposed.

Personally, I believe you could benefit from individual counselling - as what you've been through has obviously been quite traumatic - as well as availing yourself of professional advice in regards to your legal/financial standing and issues of custody, should you choose to separate or divorce, which I'd highly recommend.
 
Ok Starz,

You have basically gotten the same advice from people who do not know each other from Adam.
Your husband is a serial cheater and he is abusing you emotionally continuously and has been for years.

You CANNOT control him but you can control yourself. One reason this behavior has continued is that you have put up with it and he has had no REAL consequences.

You best course of action is to have a set of divorce papers put in front of him and for you to tell him what you have told us. That you cannot tolerate this any more and are not going to.

Its not easy, and my guess is he will either lie to you and cheat again, or let you divorce him. Quite frankly is he is "polyamorous" (which is bull shit), he will agree to a fair divorce if he loves you. but don't count on it.

its very interesting. You came to a Polyamory forum and the conclusions are identical to what you would get on an Infidelity forum. You might try that and you will get some really good advice from others who have been where you are.
 
Hello Starz198710,

It seems to me that your husband has been cheating continuously for 13 years ... the only thing that has changed is, he has started to cheat out in the open, kept the person he was cheating with, and told you that "That's poly." The one thing that has always been the same is that every time he has cheated in the past, you have forgiven him and stayed with him. So he knows he can count on that. After 13 years of free passes, he has gotten bolder and started to cheat openly, right in front of you, just how he wants. He stumbled upon the word "polyamory," and saw in it the perfect alibi. I still call it cheating because I don't think he got your authentic consent. He just pressured you into saying yes. I might say different if he didn't have a 13-year history ... of cheating "too many times to count." Which makes me think he's been cheating *all the time,* right from the get-go. If he was really poly, your consent would mean more to him.

Normally I don't advise divorce, but in this case I will make an exception. It is alright for you to want a mono/mono marriage, and you won't get a mono/mono marriage with this man. Although you could test that theory and ask him to stop seeing other women. But how would you know he wouldn't just take it underground again?

It's tough with a child, but you do want to model healthy adult behavior for this child. So, get that divorce, and give yourself a chance to find the kind of marriage you would want. You deserve some happiness.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Starz,

“In our community” your needs aren’t selfish — they’re just your needs. Honesty and care in relationships are fairly universal needs. I am with everyone else here. You need to stop “trying” with this person who doesn’t treat you with care and respect. You don’t need to keep trying become what he wants. I’m not even sure he would ever be honest with you about what he wants, if he even knows. More importantly, you’re fine the way you are, monogamous and wanting a partner who is honest and monogamous.

Please get a lawyer and file for divorce. Be fair, and don’t give a damned inch beyond that. He hasn’t been very fair to you. You don’t owe him any extras.

I am so sorry you’ve been through this, and I hope you are ready to move on and have a much better life, on your terms.
 
Back
Top