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  #21  
Old 07-25-2015, 02:44 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Yeah... "gal" says to me, "This guy doesn't have any respect for women, he just thinks they're toys or wants to pat them on the head and smile condescendingly." That's just my opinion, but I know I'm not the only one who thinks that way.

The rest of this is also just my opinion, and I realize I'm weird, but still, it's something to maybe consider.

When I read a profile, I don't actually care whether the guy's good in the sack, or has a ton of interests, or is good-looking. Seeing those kinds of things in a profile makes me think the guy is shallow and only seeking sex, and wouldn't be able to carry a conversation in a bucket. Same if a guy messages me.

I don't look for a specific physical appearance or someone who's interested in a specific thing. And I don't look for sex, though if I get involved with someone I probably hope sex will be part of it at some point. I look for someone I can click with on an intellectual basis. Someone I can make an offbeat, obscure reference to and he'll either understand it or ask me more about it, rather than getting annoyed because he has no clue what I'm talking about. Someone I would be friends with regardless of what else goes on between us.

When I first "met" Hubby on AFF, I didn't want anything to do with him. His profile was entirely focused on his physical appearance and stamina (he's a boat captain; he was a swing dance instructor and competitor), and in the chat room he was almost always on cam and talked primarily to the women who were on cam, complimenting their physical appearance. I dismissed him almost immediately as yet another shallow man who thought with his lower head. When I met him in person at one of our chat group's events, he was completely different; he was intelligent, funny, and cared more about the emotional and intellectual connections than physical appearance and actions. But if he hadn't been at that event, I would never have known that, and I would never have met him or responded to any of his messages on the site.

When I first "met" S2, on the same site, it was through what he now says was a generic "email blast" message that he sent to women he was interested in... but it said something about "I commute with the rest of the lemmings." The lemmings reference was unique enough to get me to respond and to read his profile... and his profile was well-written, thoughtful, and intelligent. He mentioned the physical appearance he hoped to find in a partner--AFF is, after all, supposed to be primarily a sex-hookup site--but his profile was written in a way that showed how he thinks, his sense of humor, the fact that he *wasn't* only after getting laid...and a way that showed he and I think so much alike it's scary. When we finally met in person on a date, after a few weeks of communicating solely through AFF messaging, it was like getting together with an old friend you've known for decades.

Before you redo your OKC profile, think about who you ARE, not what you want. And then write something that will show other people who you are. If you go off with the only goal being finding a date-mate, you won't, because you'll get lost in the sea of men who are just looking for dates and sex. Write something that will give women a reason to CONNECT with you.
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  #22  
Old 07-25-2015, 02:46 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
The use of the word "gal" in the profile throws me off more than the mention of being great in bed.
Agreed. I hate being called a "gal" or a "girl" at my age.

Quote:
I'm an open-hearted feminist who is funny, empathetic, and generous. I'm creative, literate, and good in the sack. I'm also fit and good-looking. And one of the gals here described me as "super awesome." :-)

I'm happily married, and my wife and I date others outside our partnership. So while I can't be your one and only, I can be your beau of the moment if you're longing to just relax and have fun with a decent guy. Let's go dancing, play mini golf, go for a hike, get a coffee or beer (IPA, please) ... let's have fun!
I don't think you need the first paragraph. Your writing tells me you're literate, you're pics will tell me if you're fit and goodlooking. I'm interested in hearing the things you like to do (minigolf, hiking, etc.) I'd want to hear about what you do in your spare time and your tastes in music, books, film, food, etc..

What turns me off: "Let's have fun!" I, personally, tend to shy away from people whose profiles say they're "looking for fun" or have the word "fun" in their username. It tells me you're not going to take me seriously. It's up there with "no drama," meaning, to me, this isn't going to be a real relationship with any emotional connection. If that's what you mean, fine, but be warned it wouldn't attract someone looking for an actual boyfriend.
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  #23  
Old 07-25-2015, 06:01 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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this may be just me, but for me it is a turn off when a man says 'you' in his profile a lot (the worst example of this is when he lists 'you' as one of the six most important things in life).

To me it just sounds so superficial.. he is addressing a 'you' that doesn't exist, because dozens of women could be reading that profile, so who's the 'you'?

Your first paragraph, reads like you are trying way too hard. I fully agree with KC43 who said to write about who you ARE. But instead of writing that you're funny and a feminist and whatever, write about what excites you, what makes you smile, what makes you happy, what interests you. Also, write about what you are not so good at. Women love vulnerability (in moderation - no whining please). What I mean is write about yourself with a sense of humor. Don't be afraid to be quirky and unique, instead of trying to be a generic person most women will like.
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  #24  
Old 07-25-2015, 06:28 PM
random1 random1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
Your first paragraph, reads like you are trying way too hard. I fully agree with KC43 who said to write about who you ARE.
I think the (sadly all too common) problem here is that he doesn't know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by acutair View Post
I'm not happy, either - it feels like someone has said, "Hey, there's this great new thing you can have - a terrific marriage AND dates with other women," but when I reach for it, there's nothing there.
Would you be happy if it were only your wife who was seeing other people? It seems there are some relationships where one partner is poly and the other is monogamous. If you don't think you would be happy in this situation, perhaps you want to reconsider opening your marriage.

It might be that there aren't many people who will be interested in dating you, and this might not be something you can fix. Similar to how if you are five foot tall it is unreasonable to set your ambition on being a professional basketball player. You don't seem confident; which may mean that on some level you are unhappy with yourself and where you are in your life. In your 50s this is still possible to fix but will not be overnight and will probably take years to see any sort of significant improvement.

Good luck.
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  #25  
Old 07-25-2015, 07:19 PM
acutair acutair is offline
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Back from running errands, etc. ... I really appreciate the thoughtful answers.

I never considered "gal" to be demeaning -- but if that's how it comes across to the women here, I should probably pick something else, so thanks for the feedback.

Likewise on the "write about who you ARE" suggestion - I see where what I've currently included comes across as an uninteresting, "hey, I'm super great so date me" paragraph.

I do appreciate that pointers, folks.
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  #26  
Old 07-25-2015, 07:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by acutair View Post
I never considered "gal" to be demeaning . . .
I never have either, but I know a lot of women hate it. To me, gal is the equivalent of guy for men. I absolutely hate it when anyone refers to a woman as a girl, but gal doesn't bother me.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-25-2015 at 08:33 PM.
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  #27  
Old 07-25-2015, 08:21 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Tangent: We've discussed "girl" on here a number of times - doesn't bother me at all, but is a real trigger for a friend of mine (as is the word "cute"). I was thinking about it further - maybe it's because I have a lot of conversations with children? Girl and Boy just seem to be the simple version of Female and Male. Yes, girls grow up to be Women and boys grow up to be Men. (In the simplified world that is childhood!) but when you are talking to kids you use vocabulary they relate to in order to get across big concepts. "Yes! Girls can be Doctors - like Dr. Jones." "Yes! Boys can be Ballet Dancers - like Baryshnikov."

(The other aspect, I think, is that I have never particularly felt discriminated against because of being female. Anyone who has made a comment using "girl" TRYING to "diminish" me is an object for scorn and pity - and not to be taken seriously.)
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  #28  
Old 07-25-2015, 09:59 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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I don't date outside my relationships and have no experience with online dating, but the things that got me interested in real life was when people were relaxed about themselves and had an agenda without forcing me on it. What turns me on in guys, apart from looks, is the ability to act. You can really feel it if people are comfortable by themselves without being selfcentered. People who are curious about others - and able to connect. I like the wine, the music, the talk - and then some confidant cock at the end of the evening.

I don't see anything wrong with using gal - or girl as long as it is not accompanied by the word "My" or "little". Galpal is a word too,isn't it?
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  #29  
Old 07-26-2015, 01:43 AM
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graviton graviton is offline
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I think this thread is all most guys need to read to understand why women are so much damn pickier than guys for online dating. It's bizarre to me to see so many nitpicky arguments about all these subtle variances in word usage and triggers. Jeez o Pete's. Most guys just put it out there in their description without hidden meanings or agendas. It seems alot of you women are trying to find hidden meaning where there is none.
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  #30  
Old 07-26-2015, 02:10 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Just because you yourself are unaware of the signals and messages that are being communicated does not mean they aren't there. Really, how certain words and terminology are interpreted is an important thing to consider.

The things that have been pointed out here really aren't hidden. Unfortunately, most guys on OKC have a very clear agenda - they want to get laid without having to invest much in a relationship, and that is glaringly obvious in how they present themselves.

The well-written, considerate profiles, with decent pictures are rare. Furthermore, the possibility of receiving messages on OKC that intrigue and interest a woman enough to want to write back are even rarer. And why would I write back to someone whose message only tells me he thinks I'm attractive, wants a good time, and has a great body? Why would I be interested in someone whose profile is only three or four sentences that don't say much beyond that he wants a good time and that we have to go Dutch, with only fuzzy pictures of him in a Halloween costume? Ugh, really.

The guys that I respond to on OKC are the ones who put good thought into the messages they send. Why would I write back to anyone who does not exhibit any intelligence, humor, or evidence that they've read my profile and not just looked at the pictures? Those are few and far between. For every 1 decent message that prompts me to look at a profile that happens to be intriguing, I probably receive about 300 idiotic lame messages that say nothing and make me block them immediately.

Have you seen the dreck guys send? : Your most recent OKC messages. post em here!

Women, for the most part, are thinking, intuitive, sensitive people. These things are important.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 07-26-2015 at 03:05 AM.
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