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  #11  
Old 07-25-2015, 09:41 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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If you are dating mono, you can allow yourself to do the "let's just see how things play out". Spontaniety can be fun, but to go with the flow in poly means that things are likely to play out into jealousy and other stuff that you don't want. I didn't use to have a problem getting guys but getting them comfortable about the poly part was challenging. Even guys I have dated who were in relationships have acted like I was weird for being attracted to more than one person.

Dating poly, unless you date only poly people you are both introducing a new lifestyle AND at the same time throwing more people into the mix. I for instance expect (or expected, since I am not looking for more people) a potentional partner to meet and get along with my husband, so in one way it is kind of like dating with kids. You don't want to have this great relationship but they don't like your partner. OR...it could be that you don't want your potentional love interest to meet your partner at all, some do it like that, but she needs to know so that she can know if this is something she can be a on board with or not (it might suit her very fine or not so much).

Things you might want to consider:
- can you guys have sex at your house (in/out of your marriage bed)?
- is it ok if people know about you dating her?
- do you want to scedule dates or just randomly meet up?
- are you looking for sex, a tiny romance or a serious relationship?
- how do you plan to do safer sex?
- how is your agreement with your wife on the ammount of money you can spend on dates (gifts, food, hotel room, weekend trips)?
- do you disclose to your wife what your dates with new woman is like?

Last edited by Norwegianpoly; 07-25-2015 at 09:43 AM.
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  #12  
Old 07-25-2015, 10:28 AM
MightyMax MightyMax is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by acutair View Post
I updated my OKC profile a bit ... what do you think?

- - -
I'm an open-hearted feminist who is funny, empathetic, and generous. I'm creative, literate, and good in the sack. I'm also fit and good-looking. And one of the gals here described me as "super awesome." :-)

I'm happily married, and my wife and I date others outside our partnership. So while I can't be your one and only, I can be your beau of the moment if you're longing to just relax and have fun with a decent guy. Let's go dancing, play mini golf, go for a hike, get a coffee or beer (IPA, please) ... let's have fun!
Yes, this is what I meant. Many people scan profiles and won't necessarily ask about things that aren't clear. If it isn't immediately apparent that you're compatible or what you're about, they won't hang around to find out. That's the downside of Internet dating, I guess.
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  #13  
Old 07-25-2015, 11:16 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Re your profile, I would take out the part about being "good in the sack" unless you're only looking for NSA sex. Of course, most women looking for relationships on OKC want sex, too, but when it's so overt in a profile like that, it's not appealing. There are so many guys out there who only want to use women for sex, or are desperate for it, that it is much better not to mention sex at all so that it doesn't seem like that's what you're all about. In fact, I think most women find it a bit creepy when sex is mentioned even in the initial emails and during a first date. For me personally, I rarely ever contact a guy who talks about sex in his profile, and generally snicker at the claim that they are good in bed for a number of reasons.

How do you generally introduce yourself in your messages when you contact women?

What a lot of men forget is that, for women, safety is an issue we have to live with every day, so even the slightest hint at someone possibly being predatory will be a red flag or make a woman avoid contacting you. Especially when it comes to online dating. Just my take on it.

In a profile of a poly guy, I'd want to see some mention about what kind of relationships he wants and how he manages his time, as well as his general philosophy on, or approach to, non-monogamy - especially if he's married. So, I like your second paragraph, although you might want to add that you're not looking for a woman to get involved with your wife and you together, but just someone for you to date.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-25-2015 at 11:31 AM.
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  #14  
Old 07-25-2015, 11:55 AM
acutair acutair is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MightyMax View Post
Yes, this is what I meant. Many people scan profiles and won't necessarily ask about things that aren't clear. If it isn't immediately apparent that you're compatible or what you're about, they won't hang around to find out. That's the downside of Internet dating, I guess.
Yup, I see what you mean now - thanks!
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  #15  
Old 07-25-2015, 11:57 AM
acutair acutair is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Re your profile, I would take out the part about being "good in the sack" unless you're only looking for NSA sex...
Oh, good call - thanks much.

I appreciate your other advice, too - I'm going to be AFK for a bit, but I really appreciate the information here. A lot of things I just never considered you folks have really made clear - THANKS!
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  #16  
Old 07-25-2015, 12:21 PM
random1 random1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by acutair View Post
I updated my OKC profile a bit ... what do you think?
Nobody got to your second paragraph because they were turned off by the first. (far too try-hard) Your marriage isn't the problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by acutair View Post
- - -
I'm an open-hearted feminist who is funny, empathetic, and generous. I'm creative, literate, and good in the sack. I'm also fit and good-looking. And one of the gals here described me as "super awesome." :-)

I'm happily married, and my wife and I date others outside our partnership. So while I can't be your one and only, I can be your beau of the moment if you're longing to just relax and have fun with a decent guy. Let's go dancing, play mini golf, go for a hike, get a coffee or beer (IPA, please) ... let's have fun!
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  #17  
Old 07-25-2015, 12:56 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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The more you read, you'll find it's quite common that men have a harder time finding poly dating partners. I think far fewer women are willing to have what amounts to a largely no strings attached, not really going anywhere, always the one on the sidelines sort of relationship.

My feeling on reading your first paragraph is that it sounds like many poly men's profiles on OKC, back when I was reading them. The message is: I'm such an incredible guy that you should be quite happy to get any little crumbs I'm willing to toss you, and be happy to spend any time in my company, knowing you're never going to be the real relationship in my life.

This goes back to what Might Max asked: what do you have to offer a woman?

I found with XBF that what he was offering me was whatever his wife let him, in the end. It began to feel very much like I was filling in all the empty spaces in his life while his wife dated every man in the state, in return for her treating me like a plaything to entertain him...in return for taking care of my home and my job all by myself while he killed himself providing for her...in return for him actually finally hoping I'd come and help him with a major home project for her home because she couldn't get off the internet and her man hunt and buying her new jewelry long enough to help...in return for him hoping I'd spend the next ten years of my life with him knowing he planned on retiring out of state with her and I guess I was just supposed to cheerfully wave goodbye?

THIS to me is where the real question is of: what do you really have to offer a woman? Women's emotions typically (not always, but typically) do get involved and they typically date with the intention of seeking a real partnership. You can't offer that.
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  #18  
Old 07-25-2015, 01:10 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by acutair View Post
. . . I'm going to be AFK for a bit . . .
What's AFK???
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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  #19  
Old 07-25-2015, 02:01 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
What's AFK???
Away From Keyboard
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  #20  
Old 07-25-2015, 02:28 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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The use of the word "gal" in the profile throws me off more than the mention of being great in bed.
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