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  #1  
Old 07-22-2018, 04:12 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Default Can you handle NRE in a FWB situation?

Back to basics for me, I guess.

So recently I offered a bdsm scene to a dear friend of mine whom I know to be submissive. It was a mutually rewarding experience I believe, yet in the days after I felt the dizziness of falling into love, and when we talked he admitted to having been in love with me before.
This was probably to be anticipated, I'm not comfortable exploring my dominant side with just anyone. I have to have respect and a deep liking for them.

There are several reasons why I wouldn't want this to develop beyond play partners, the biggest being that he's rather be monogamous in the future and I'm not offering that to him - I need someone dominant in my life. Second reason is with my poor health I don't really have the bandwidth for two full-on relationships right now.

Now the question is, under that circumstances, do I have to leave this alone, or is it ok to offer playing together every now and then, than letting the feelings die out a bit? Is that setting ourselves up for failure and hurt?

Poly people, how do you do that kind of stuff? Are you able to have intimacy with people and not fall into NRE craziness? Or do you feel NRE but it doesn't compel you to ride the escalator?
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Last edited by Tinwen; 07-22-2018 at 05:19 PM.
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Old 07-22-2018, 06:17 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Have you told him that you aren't in the space to have another relationship right now, but would like to keep your connection? If not, I would suggest having that conversation with him first. Then, if he agrees that a friend-only connection is acceptable, offer the possibility of being friendly play partners.

I think this situation does have the potential to cause hurt, because you are putting both yourself and him in the position of not being able to act on the feelings you both have admitted you have. But I don't think it's automatically a "this will fail" situation, if you and he communicate clearly up front about the fact that this can't be more than friendship and both agree on what "friendship" and "play partners" look like.

I think it would also be important to be prepared for the possibility that one or both of you *won't* be able to handle the situation, and take steps (including, again, communication) to try to ensure that if you enter a play partner arrangement and it doesn't work out, the friendship will remain intact.
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Old 07-22-2018, 06:37 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
Have you told him that you aren't in the space to have another relationship right now, but would like to keep your connection? If not, I would suggest having that conversation with him first. Then, if he agrees that a friend-only connection is acceptable, offer the possibility of being friendly play partners.
Well yes, I've told him all the reasons why a relationship is not really an option in our conversation yesterday. I think I have to wait before I ask if there's room to continue, although it seemed so, because these emotions have a way to surface later. (I may have been a little too direct even.)

Meanwhile, I'm doing my own processing to see if I should even be offering that. I'm the one with more power and experience here (very new position for me), I want to approach this responsibly.

I'm not sure if it's possible to ensure that the friendship remains intact, but communication certainly helps.
Thank you.
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Last edited by Tinwen; 07-22-2018 at 06:45 PM.
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Old 07-22-2018, 07:02 PM
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Hi Tinwen,

NRE can be difficult to manage. I've handled it poorly in the past. But every situation is different, you may find that you can deal with a FWB situation where emotionally you feel like going further and, as you said, where you feel like riding the escalator. It's a question of what will result in the most happiness for you and your friend. If limiting it to just FWB just tortures the two of you, then you may want to take a step back. You can try FWB for awhile and just see how that sits for you. Hopefully that makes sense.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-23-2018, 07:27 AM
Evie Evie is offline
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I do it regularly without getting on the escalator
Well, certainly not the usual one with the picket fence and dependent things with two or four legs.
But that's not to say I don't enjoy the evolution of each connection, and they do escalate in some interesting directions, especially with D/s involved
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Old 07-23-2018, 08:37 AM
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BelleRose BelleRose is offline
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Personally, I would be careful. I would have a very explicit (not like...rude...just clear) conversation with the person so that it's clear what you can offer and what you cannot. NRE is rather intoxicating, but also, if you continue to play every now and then on occasion there is still the potential for not just having the "feeling" of falling in love from NRE, but actually developing love overtime. If you aren't both okay with playing and potentially loving each other yet not pursuing a romantic relationship, I wouldn't continue to play.

I sort of had a similar thing recently with a close friend. We've always had a close, unique connection as we're both musicians and have written and produced several songs together. He just got married last year. He's had the same partner since I've known him, and I always assumed they were monogamous. It turns out the marriage is open, they're just very discreet about it, which only came up when he noticed the tone of my recent songs and I explained having broken up with "one of my" boyfriends. There was subtle flirting for a week or so, which became less subtle, which became a very intimate kiss at our next session. But he explained that he and his wife have more of a swingers style - if we had sex, it would have to be once, it couldn't be an ongoing thing. I couldn't do that, I explained, and he admitted that if we had sex he seriously doubts he could keep it casual and limit it to one time. In the spirit of maintaining our friendship and not complicating his marriage we agreed not to let things go any further.

I think that's the best choice sometimes, to make that decision early if you see a potential conflict in the future, before someone gets hurt. Obviously I'd love to have my cake and eat his too (hehe) but if I ended up falling in love, getting hurt, and losing a friend I'd be devastated.

That's my slightly anecdotal advice. I really hope it works out for you.
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Old 07-23-2018, 08:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evie View Post
I do it regularly without getting on the escalator
Well, certainly not the usual one with the picket fence and dependent things with two or four legs.
Hehe. This tickled me. Love it.
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Old 07-23-2018, 09:04 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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I won't say I "couldn't" do this, however so far, I never have done the FWB thing.

Being somewhat demisexual, I tend to only *want* to be physically intimate with someone I have already developed feelings for to some degree, and on the flip-side, being sexual with someone on a regular basis only causes those feelings to grow.

I know many others don't have this issue, so I can't presume to tell you what would be best in this situation. You said your friend confided that he was in love with you at one time --- do you think he still has such feelings toward you?

If so, playing together - especially when the play has a distinct sub/dom flavour, with friend having to give up control to you - may well cause his feelings to reignite. If that happened, I'm not sure it'd be so easy to limit the relationship to fwb/play partners only. There is potential for either or both of you to get hurt here, and/or for the friendship to unravel if it turns out one of you wants more and the other doesn't.
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  #9  
Old 07-24-2018, 02:10 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I can't speak to the BDSM aspect but I, personally, don't have too much of a problem "containing" the majority of my relationships. Then again, sex and feelings are not as intertwined for me as they are for some. I don't like NRE so it is almost second nature to minimize/step back some forms of intimacy if they are getting "too real" for me.

I am very open and honest with my FWBs as to what they can expect from me, and terribly matter-of-fact about it, which I think helps with the awkwardness that some people expect in certain situations. Some people are put off by this. They would not be good partners for me.
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  #10  
Old 07-24-2018, 11:15 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi Tinwen,
NRE can be difficult to manage. I've handled it poorly in the past. But every situation is different, you may find that you can deal with a FWB situation where emotionally you feel like going further and, as you said, where you feel like riding the escalator. It's a question of what will result in the most happiness for you and your friend. If limiting it to just FWB just tortures the two of you, then you may want to take a step back. You can try FWB for awhile and just see how that sits for you. Hopefully that makes sense.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Thanks everyone; I certainly do understand the concerns of those who are concerned. I think I still resonate with Kevin, in that we can try and reconsider. If there's interest I will offer basically isolated scenes and keep some boundaries (like, pants ). I don't see this as a relationship thing, but whether there will be one more encounter or twenty, I'm ok with that.
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