Changing Feelings

I'm in a ffm triad. My husband and our girlfriend are head over heels in love - and it's awesome to see. I love hanging out with both of them, and also love them both as people - we have a lot of fun, and when we have sex it is hotttttt..... Problem? I'm not experiencing the same level of love, or desire for sex that they are.

It's super weird to be around people that are SUPER in love when I am just in a space where I feel like I'm hanging out with good friends. I've told them how they feel, and it just makes them sad. Because they're so in love they want to make out and snuggle and talk all of them time - I kind of just want to enjoy some regular nights watching movies and playing games, relaxing together instead of always having to swim around in their love soup, y'know? I don't know... just a weird place to be..... I'm not even jealous, just kind of annoyed and end up feeling left out sometimes cuz they're so into it. I'm more interested in planning a vacation or buying them both presents - it's not that I don't love them or dig how into each other they are. ARGH!
 
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Check out some threads on "new relationship energy," "NRE," "unicorns," and "triads."

It's as common as mud for triads to go this way, the unicorn being more into one partner than another.

Get yourself another bf or gf and have your own NRE!
 
My thoughts exactly

Hey Magdlyn. Thanks. My thoughts exactly - been thinking it would be good to find someone for me to be that into, so I'd have something "to do" Don't want to be a buzzkill, y'know.
 
...been thinking it would be good to find someone for me to be that into, so I'd have something "to do" Don't want to be a buzzkill, y'know.
Buzzkill, I love that word. You made me LOL. But seriously, while this is great advice and I wholeheartedly second it, at some point they've gotta get out of the clouds, don't they? And see what affect they're having on you? Like, hello, movies, games, museums, and whatnot are also really great ways to connect and grow a relationship.
 
Museums FTW

Hey nycindie (are you in New York?)

They try to balance it all out, and we do play games and hang out. I guess I just feel left out and weirded out by the lovey-ness of their time together. Normally my man would never stay up until midnight on the couch talking after a long work week - he's bushed and would head to his man cave to relax, or maybe we'd watch a movie, but when our lady is out he is BOING up and totally into talking foreevvvveeerrr.... I end up feeling guilty when I don't want to have sexy times too, as they want me to be there for all the sexin. I'm kind of like... can we just get to a place where you two can hook up and I can go watch some HBO? There "trying to be good" which is just driving me nuts as I don't WANT them to be good, I just wanna chill sometimes. I need a therapist or something.
 
Different people have different ways of expressing love. It seems that they are very physical in their expression, while you are more of the type to give gifts. Neither ways are wrong, just different.
 
Well, wanting time to yourself and respect for your personal space is natural and what every person should have. If they want you to always be a part of their sexual activities, that is unneeded pressure. You shouldn't feel obligated or like you're disappointing them if you don't want that. It's your choice to or not, geez. They shouldn't pout about it, wtf.

It sounds like renegotiations are in order, where you ask for boundaries that work better and give you space. In addition to getting another squeeze for yourself. Does she live with you, too, or can't they go to her place once in a while?
 
Different Kinds of Love

Hi Brigids, and thanks. Yes, totally, but I bet it is WAY less frustrating to get boss gifts than it is to have a NRE mudpit to wade through all the time. The weird thing is that I have compersion even though I'm annoyed WTH?
 
The changes... oh the changes...

We set out with the rule of all three of us at once. I want to change that rule, they don't want to because they think I'll freak - fair enough, we made it a rule for a reason, but we have outgrown it!!! TOTES to pressure - it's driving me crazy, and having some kind of weird depressing effect on my sex drive, which is usually through the roof. It's like because it's expected and desired every single time we hang out I'm just like.... meh.... I don't get it. Like I said - therapy.

So far no go on her place - it's super cramped. Maybe it's worth bringing up, but they're stickin to the three thing fornow, mostly my fault as I was all like, let's stick to the rules, it'll make it easier.... Guess we just need to talk talk talk it out.
 
Dealing with NRE can be frustrating; but rather than get annoyed at how they behave when they are together, maybe it's time to talk to them about them being together when you aren't there.
 
Yeah, well it isn't working for all of you if only two our of three agree on something. That's not an agreement, that's a dictatorship. I don't know why you think you need therapy in all this, as you are being quite reasonable, while they are not listening to you and dismissing your needs. Yes, poly is talk-talk-talk, what's wrong with that? Why stew in this bullshit and feel like you have to put up with they want while they don't pay attention to what you want? Yes, by all means, speak up. If it didn't really bother you, you wouldn't have posted here about it.
 
Exactly.

Thanks Brigids, sage words there. We did exactly that - I laid it all out this morning, telling them exactly how it was for me. That it was really disappointing and alienating that I didn't share the same level of emotion and NRE that they were having with each other, and that it made me feel guilty and pressured to always be "up" with them when I really just wanted to chill as a group. Like, I want to go at my pace sometimes, but I feel like I'm buzzkilling their groove as they're so "in the moment" with each other. Great! For Them! Not for Me! They didn't like it, in fact both of them cried. Intense. My GF wouldn't look me in the face for like an hour. Theories are great, but realities define relationships, and this reality is def changing. Are there other posts that you know of specifically around this? I googled it to death, don't know how many keyword combos you can try, but didn't turn up much....
 
Talk Talk Talk

Hey nycindie, thanks for that. Don't mean to make it sound like I'm not into talking it out, it's just hard work/heavy lifting right now. Yes, it bothers me for sure - was hoping to find someone who'd say, "That totally happened with us..." There are no magic answers though, poly is a smallish community, so finding large average of people who've been through this might be tough, I guess. Altho mags seems to think that it's pretty standard, so maybe I'm wrong about that one.
 
Check out some master threads here, Golden Nuggets. And do a tag search on the topics I listed.
 
Hey nycindie, thanks for that. Don't mean to make it sound like I'm not into talking it out, it's just hard work/heavy lifting right now. Yes, it bothers me for sure - was hoping to find someone who'd say, "That totally happened with us..." There are no magic answers though, poly is a smallish community, so finding large average of people who've been through this might be tough, I guess. Altho mags seems to think that it's pretty standard, so maybe I'm wrong about that one.


Yeah, it happened to me. Tho she didnt want sex with me... not that part. I wanted sex with her tho. But she was just into my (now ex) husband and their NRE was outa control.

Its a very common scenario in triads. And your original rule is often made, sex with all 3 or nothing. Seems silly, people's sex drives can vary. What if youre bleeding and having cramps and just wanna curl up w a heating pad, while she is ovulating? Sheesh.
 
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Yes, it bothers me for sure - was hoping to find someone who'd say, "That totally happened with us..." There are no magic answers though, poly is a smallish community, so finding large average of people who've been through this might be tough, I guess. Altho mags seems to think that it's pretty standard, so maybe I'm wrong about that one.

Omigosh, yes, there are tons of threads here by people who have gone through the same or similar issues as you are now. The phrases and words Mags suggested can be searched either through the Advanced Search or Tags (see bar at top of each page).
 
I was in a long term triad MFF for over two decades that ended due to death. We were a vee. Now, I'll have to give our husband credit, he worked very hard over the fairness issue ~ sometimes to the point that it drove us both nuts. I do think that is very important for the first few years or when there is a new major change in life that disrupts routine. But after awhile, as you said, you out-grow the rules.

It could be that you have indeed reached the phase where you do not all have to be together all the time. Your mates are so incredibly sweet to want to include you and to so strongly look out for your feelings. If you want to go this next step, you need to reassure them and really mean it. If you can't really mean it, then you aren't ready. And part of the reassurance does mean making new rules so everyone knows what the expectation is without having to guess.
 
Tag the words thank you!

Thanks for the tags heads up, and for sharing mags. Feel stupid as this rule was my suggestion - had no idea that it would end up biting me in the butt like this. Oh wellz, can't read the future, or else I'd be buying WAY more lottery tickets.

bookbug - so so sorry to hear about your loss, that is totally tragic. And yes, they are working very hard to be careful of my feelings. I guess my frustration is just bubbling over.
 
I'm in a MFF triad, and our 'rules' change all the time! It is nice of them to worry about your feelings so much but people do change over time. In my opinion one of the tests of a relationship is if all the people can grow and change (as they MUST) and still love each other.

I find that we go through ups and downs like any other couple. Sometimes two of us are more into it than the other, sometimes all 3 of us are raring to go! We try to just let things come naturally. Don't feel like coming to bed? Cool. We make it clear that there is an opportunity for sex and if someone bows out then there is no pressure. Not that there isn't guilt, we're still working on that part. This goes for activities other than sex too.

Do you go on dates in pairs? We didn't do that at first, but after about 9 months we started to do it to take advantage of our built in babysitter quality. I never realized how much we were missing! Its great to have that kind of time to connect. I know it sounds weird, but we bring a lot of positive energy back to the triad relationship by dating in couples. Perhaps your GF and BF could try that?
 
bookbug - so so sorry to hear about your loss, that is totally tragic. And yes, they are working very hard to be careful of my feelings. I guess my frustration is just bubbling over.

Thanks so much for your kind words!
 
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