Slippery slope

Slip

New member
Slippery slope is a Fine place I've found myself in. I am married to the love of my life and then I fell in love with a friend that's a lesbian. We (she and I) haven't done anything physical. And more than likely that will have to wait. She lives in another state. I am hoping she moves here soon. But I just had to tell my husband that I have feelings for her. And all he said was "ok" ..... That's it. I was expecting questions, concerns or something. And I get nothing. Did I miss something?
That was harder than I expected. He's not a big communicator.
She had I have had most of the new relationship on the phone and in emails. She respects my marriage and I believe she will enhance our lives. But I'm afraid because she isn't his "type" he's gonna be less than pleased about talking to me about this.

MEN, know this is why women go astray. You make it so hard to talk. Gaaah!!!!

He just made some excuse and left the room. We've had three unicorns before and really it was fun sex but nothing notable in the love department. I wanted someone to love and although she doesn't look like a unicorn (mythical and whimsical) she's a great person and I adore her. They got along well a few weeks ago when she was here visiting. Any advice?? HELP!
 
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I'm not having all that much luck with men in the communication dept., either. Sheesh! Let's face it, a lot of men just don't know HOW to talk about stuff that involves their feelings. >sigh<
 
I'm not having all that much luck with men in the communication dept., either. Sheesh! Let's face it, a lot of men just don't know HOW to talk about stuff that involves their feelings. >sigh<

It's so true!! They want to screw like rabbits but if you bring out the alphabet they scurry away like scared mice!! ------> most men!! ;)
 
So long as it's only 'most men' ;) I know what you mean though. Lots of my guy friends don't really know how to deal with difficult feelings or really communicate them and Ive always wondered why. Sometimes we need to be coaxed, maybe?

-All you need is love

R
 
So long as it's only 'most men' ;) I know what you mean though. Lots of my guy friends don't really know how to deal with difficult feelings or really communicate them and Ive always wondered why. Sometimes we need to be coaxed, maybe?

-All you need is love

R

You're right about the coaxing. . . and I was planning that. But that was not a possibility yesterday and I felt like I was "hiding" something from him. And that was worse. So I sat him down and told him about her. That we weren't expecting to have feelings for one another and it shocked us as much as anyone. I know he needs time to process it.... but he has a way of blocking out things he doesn't want to talk about. So I don't know if he's thinking of it or just NOT. :(
 
MEN, know this is why women go astray. You make it so hard to talk. Gaaah!!!!

I would love to play the devils advocate role to explain why this happens hahaha

As to your last statement

You're right about the coaxing. . . and I was planning that. But that was not a possibility yesterday and I felt like I was "hiding" something from him. And that was worse. So I sat him down and told him about her. That we weren't expecting to have feelings for one another and it shocked us as much as anyone. I know he needs time to process it.... but he has a way of blocking out things he doesn't want to talk about. So I don't know if he's thinking of it or just NOT

Ask him?I think its probably safe to assume he is processing. I know very few people that can get information that is a potential game changer and not think about it.

The only way he would not bother to consider it

a) told him but were not very clear as to your goal. A V setup I assume with you at the fulcrum? (whatever it is)
b) he, in his own head, thinks this will work better as a dadt system.
c) he doesn't consider her a threat - this one I put in here because guys can sometimes...hmmm...view their opponents as level of threats. If you were clear about exactly how you feel, he could very well be seeing it as a fling or lesbian love he doesn't need to be concerned with

obviously thats a lot of guessing, but it might help with some perspective. The only way to clear it all up is to ensure you were clear in communicating (communicating is fine but if it isn't clear and catered to the persons communication style they may have missed the point) and keep the lines of communication open an available.

My wife and I communicate differently. And process differently. I am open, almost to a fault, I study every detail, almost to a fault. She takes tidbits I throw out there and simply processes them...the progress she made in a month of seemingly doing NOTHING, blew my mind. I was getting anxious and nervous because I didn't see an iota of movement...then one day, she clicked...

Good luck, sorry for the long babble.
 
Maybe just give him a few days, then ask him again how he feels about it. Don't let it sit with you not knowing what he thinks, because that could lead to trouble. Chances are he IS thinking about it, but sometimes people need time to process these paradigm shifting events in our lives. I hope everything works out swimmingly!

-All you need is love

R
 
difficulty sharing

Hahaha...I just want to say one thing.
It's not a gender thing....it's an extrovert/introvert thing.
Introverts aren't good at sharing and talking things out. They like to work it out within the mind and share only when it's been resolved on the deeper level.
Extroverts need to talk things out in order to figure them out.

Just a thought.....
I have several guys in my life who are great at sharing and I have females who have a really hard time sharing......
 
I would love to play the devils advocate role to explain why this happens hahaha

As to your last statement



Ask him?I think its probably safe to assume he is processing. I know very few people that can get information that is a potential game changer and not think about it.

The only way he would not bother to consider it

a) told him but were not very clear as to your goal. A V setup I assume with you at the fulcrum? (whatever it is)
b) he, in his own head, thinks this will work better as a dadt system.
c) he doesn't consider her a threat - this one I put in here because guys can sometimes...hmmm...view their opponents as level of threats. If you were clear about exactly how you feel, he could very well be seeing it as a fling or lesbian love he doesn't need to be concerned with

obviously thats a lot of guessing, but it might help with some perspective. The only way to clear it all up is to ensure you were clear in communicating (communicating is fine but if it isn't clear and catered to the persons communication style they may have missed the point) and keep the lines of communication open an available.

My wife and I communicate differently. And process differently. I am open, almost to a fault, I study every detail, almost to a fault. She takes tidbits I throw out there and simply processes them...the progress she made in a month of seemingly doing NOTHING, blew my mind. I was getting anxious and nervous because I didn't see an iota of movement...then one day, she clicked...

Good luck, sorry for the long babble.

Can you explain "C"?
Thank you for the information. I appreciated it all! I know we communicate differently. It's taken me 23 years to "get" that and not to push him. He doesn't communicate well and that's hard because in this woman, I've found my perfect communicator. So I have to remember that even though she and I are communicating, doesn't mean he is and I shouldn't ever let him feel left out. I have to make sure he always sees the advantages to this change in our relationships.


Maybe just give him a few days, then ask him again how he feels about it. Don't let it sit with you not knowing what he thinks, because that could lead to trouble. Chances are he IS thinking about it, but sometimes people need time to process these paradigm shifting events in our lives. I hope everything works out swimmingly!

-All you need is love

R

He finally did talk. And voiced his concerns and then we chatted and he felt much better. I'm not sure what he was thinking but I know he was concerned (I would guess) that it was another man- not another woman.

Hahaha...I just want to say one thing.
It's not a gender thing....it's an extrovert/introvert thing.
Introverts aren't good at sharing and talking things out. They like to work it out within the mind and share only when it's been resolved on the deeper level.
Extroverts need to talk things out in order to figure them out.

Just a thought.....
I have several guys in my life who are great at sharing and I have females who have a really hard time sharing......

You know that's very good information.... but typically I'm the introvert and he's the extrovert EXCEPT in communication. Go figure, huh?
 
Hahaha...I just want to say one thing.
It's not a gender thing....it's an extrovert/introvert thing.
Introverts aren't good at sharing and talking things out. They like to work it out within the mind and share only when it's been resolved on the deeper level.
Extroverts need to talk things out in order to figure them out.

Just a thought.....
I have several guys in my life who are great at sharing and I have females who have a really hard time sharing......

While I don't disagree that really simplifies it. I know introverts, who are introspective but when the time is right talk your ear off.

My wife is an extrovert...(actually she is an enigma) but she is very introspective...go figure, at the beginning of our adventure I would have thought I was going to be the introspective quiet one
 
c) he doesn't consider her a threat - this one I put in here because guys can sometimes...hmmm...view their opponents as level of threats. If you were clear about exactly how you feel, he could very well be seeing it as a fling or lesbian love he doesn't need to be concerned with

Guys, and girls actually so this isn't gender specific, will look at other partners almost like a threat level. Simply consider the One Penis Policy. Lots of guys believe women on women relationships are less of a threat than a man on woman relationship. However if you were involved with a guy, the threat level would be different, forcing his hand to become more alpha and strut...

This really simplifies it, btw, but I read about it often. Heck on one forum I am on there is a group of guys defending the OPP to death believing, truly, in their hearts that female relationships are more fleeting and less important than "normal" ones. This of course is a massive slap in the face of any lesbian, bi-sexual or other relationships.
 
While I don't disagree that really simplifies it. I know introverts, who are introspective but when the time is right talk your ear off.
My wife is an extrovert...(actually she is an enigma) but she is very introspective...go figure, at the beginning of our adventure I would have thought I was going to be the introspective quiet one

Good point.....let's look at it through the Myers-Briggs perspective. People are either sensory oriented or introspective in the way they percieve the world around them. Sensory oriented people tend to gather data through the senses. An extremely sensory oriented person (like my Mother) will focus and talk only about things she can pick up by seeing it, hearing it, smelling it, touching it, tasting it etc.

An introspective person will be intuitive and will focus on all sorts of things in other realms like emotional, spiritual- and they are conceptual.

So- an introspective person can be an introvert or an extrovert. A sensory oriented person can also be an introvert or an extrovert.

The introvert needs time alone to re-charge their batteries. An extrovert needs time with others to re-charge their batteries.

Also- as I said before....if an extreme introvert has a conflict....they will usually need to work it out within and feel that they have a resolution before sharing it.

An extrovert needs to talk it out as they are figuring it out. If you listen, they will probably change their minds several times (which can be confusing to the introvert who doesn't speek unless it's resolved) but it's all in an effort to try different ideas until a solution is reached.

Also- it's not black and white. If a person is in the middle, then they will act as an extrovert at times and an introvert at other times.

My point was just that it might not be as much of a gender thing as it is a temperament thing.
 
Very hard to read...

Men are HORRIBLE communicators. I tend to believe the opposite of extroverts and introverts however. I think that often, people who seem extroverted are the ones who hide true feelings behind alot of talk. True intoverts (which is probably me) will talk ONE person to death and hide true self to everyone else.
My husband is much like yours. He NEVER tells me how he feels until I practically BEG it out of him. However, when I do get him to open up (after he gives me the rigamoro of "I dont want to hurt you.") we tend to be on the same page. I think your husband probably feels the same. No matter how open and accepting of his feelings you are- he will not want to tell you how he really feels because he's afraid it'll be the wrong thing to say. If he accepts your girlfriend- he may be sacrificing his security, if he does not, he is sacrificing your feelings.
My heart BREAKS for men really. It must be so hard to bury your feelings. I told my husband that my heart hurts that I am preventing him from experiencing all of the sexuality and intrests he may be wanting to have... to this he replied "but I would never cheat on you." NOT THE POINT. The point is... I love him enough to want him to experience EVERYTHING- I don't want him to resent our love. BUT... how can I do this and feel secure if he can't even express what he's feeling??? URGHHHHH.... I think you'll have to either drag it out of him or, just do what you feel is right for you.
 
Thank you all for your input. I am very proud to announce my husband is bringing my girlfriend here to me now. She'll be living with us and we'll see where this all goes. I respect her sexual orientation... and would never - ever expect her to do anything she isn't comfortable with. I love him and will honor him in every way possible. Right now, I'm a little nervous, a little thilled and a lot humble. I have two wonderful people that are in love with me and I couldn't be more blessed!!
 
That's awesome!! Keep us posted !!!
 
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