The scariest and safest thing I've done...

ClosetPoly

New member
I took a giant leap of faith this morning, trusting myself for the first time in my life.

Last night, we had a friend over and we talked a lot about the situation. He is very monogamous, like me, and in a way argued my case to my partner. I think this really helped her open up more and say things she wouldn't have, out of fear of hurting me more. I learned a few new things, and for the first time in this I saw a flicker of honesty on her face when she told me that I control her relationship with her boyfriend. I have set rules, they have obliged, I have moved them, they have gratiously accepted, been thankful and moved on. The flicker of honesty on her face though, showed how much this hurts her.
This morning, I had a dream where I was drowning in a river (my own metaphors coming back to haunt me) and she was standing on the bank. I reached out for help, but all I heard her saying was "you control this relationship", and I sank deeper. Now, I'm not saying this was a particularly spiritual moment, but I woke up feeling dishonest and cruel. How can I move forward when I have one foot on the brake, and one on the accelerator, both stomping like there's no tomorrow?
The last thing I read on the forum yesterday was the quote "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours, if not, it never was.".
This morning I told my partner I'm setting her free. No rules, no boundaries but her own, she is free to be what she is. I have my own boundaries, and will respect them. Those who have read my earlier ramblings might know the setting of our relationship, the upside-down'ness of it, where my partner experienced deep and true love with him before they even got to touch or kiss each other. In that sense, the scary and truly dangerous part is already out in the open, their deep love. I do however see that I have kept a tether on the bird's leg, and this morning I cut that off. It was the scariest thing I've done so far, and at the same time it has really increased my peace inside, and made me even prouder of myself. I know that for every step from here on in, I can pat my own back, and it'll feel true. And every time my fantastic partner, and her amazing boyfriend says "thank you for giving us this", it'll be true and real, and I can take it to heart.

I know I have soooo much work ahead of me, and much pain, but I finally feel like I'm treating my partner as an equal, truly respecting her for what she is and finally treating myself as her equal. I can in time start expecting things and make demands, as can she. This is now hers, not mine. We had a really good 3some-day thursday, as I have mentioned in another post, and it made me feel hope. It made me want something more out of life.

Now, if anyone can invent an anti-NRE spray, I'll douse them both, so that we can move on. :) I owe my life to this forum, the help I've received have been amazing, I cannot imagine what this would've been like without you people around me. Thank you!
 
That's great, CP. I read where you told them they could kiss, and I thought, how frustrating! How deep of a kiss? How long can it last? Where are the hands allowed to go? I'd find that incredibly frustrating, the kissing only rule.

It's great your friend helped you get some insight and take the plunge into trust.
 
That's great, CP. I read where you told them they could kiss, and I thought, how frustrating! How deep of a kiss? How long can it last? Where are the hands allowed to go? I'd find that incredibly frustrating, the kissing only rule.

Well, technically, I just removed kissing from the rule, leaving sex. So, no definition of kissing, just that it was allowed. Sex was easily defined as anything that can get you pregnant, transmit an STD or lead to orgasm. Very simple definition. But all gone now. Except for the pregnancy and STD of course. Very big no-fly zones still. :) And I know that my partner will make sure it's safe and protect both herself and me. I do expect him to be tested and have a clean bill of health, of course. As I said, I can start making demands and expectations. :)
 
Demands sounds a bit concerning. What do you imagine you'd "demand?"

I like the use of the term, "hard limit." We all have some. My only hard limit with my gf is that she not spend an overnight with a lover unless I know in advance it's happening. Just because I worry when she's out and I am not sure she is safe. I always get those "dead in a ditch by the side of the road" worries.
 
Demands sounds a bit concerning. What do you imagine you'd "demand?"

When it comes to her eventually having sex, all I demand is that she takes necessary steps to protect herself and me. We are not even close to them spending a night together, much less having sex yet, but by removing myself from that equation, I give her back control over her life. She's not controlled directly by me, but rather by how she feels about pushing her own boundaries, and balancing that against how much pain I might be in at that particular point in time.

Realistically I will never move along a linear path and go "Now, NOW you can have sex" and then a week later "NOW you can spend the night". I realise that's *really* not how this works.
Down the line, further than just the month we've been doing this, some days I might be fine with it, some I won't be and when I'm not, I can tell her how I feel. She'll know then that she can have it her way some days, others not. Just like anything else in a relationship.
 
Interesting. When my ex and I first opened our marriage back in 1999, and we'd found a woman we were interested in, I wanted him and her to fuck asap. Just take the plunge and see how it felt. I was fine with their having full on sex... it was their overwhelming emotional intimacy and NRE that threw me for a loop. God, I was so naive.
 
CP, that's a great step for you!

I would also like to recommend you change your use of the word demand. I find myself reacting poorly to you saying demand, even though your demand (safer sex) is completely reasonable. It's amazing the effect that language has on us, and certainly your partner will be no exception.

Keep up the great work! You have come so far!! :D



Psst ... When will we meet your partner? ;)
 
CP, that's a great step for you!
I would also like to recommend you change your use of the word demand. I find myself reacting poorly to you saying demand, even though your demand (safer sex) is completely reasonable. It's amazing the effect that language has on us, and certainly your partner will be no exception.

I absolutely agree in general, but again, in this specific matter, it's a go/no-go, absolute 0/1 for me, and I know it is for my partner too. I don't have to tell her specifically, she knows and agrees, and most likely reads it here too. :)

Keep up the great work! You have come so far!! :D
Psst ... When will we meet your partner? ;)

Thank you! :)

She has a registered user here, and she reads all my posts, but so far remains incognito and lurking in the shadows. This has been a good place for me to flail, and for her to read things I can't necessarily explain face to face. Not to mention she can read what others answer.
I think she would get a lot out of this, talking to people in *exactly* her situation, but the first step takes a lot of guts. I do however know she has the guts for it, she proved that when she told me she loved her boyfriend, knowing deep inside that I would kick her out and break up.
If she wants to pop her beautiful head out and say hello, she's always welcome to in my threads, particularly when you guys ask for her. :-D
 
Interesting. When my ex and I first opened our marriage back in 1999, and we'd found a woman we were interested in, I wanted him and her to fuck asap. Just take the plunge and see how it felt. I was fine with their having full on sex... it was their overwhelming emotional intimacy and NRE that threw me for a loop. God, I was so naive.

I can totally understand that. For me, it's a really mixed up flipside roundabout kind of setup, because my partner had this wall of emotions for him already, and he was probably taken aback a bit, when she told him, but he has as far as I know reciprocated in every way, and seems to be in this with the intention to share his life with her, and me, and THEN they got to kiss. :) So, the physical stuff, what usually comes first, comes last here. NRE is totally intense and overwhelming, yes, but it can be handled in small doses, if you get to. It takes two fantastic and willing people to do it, and they are and do.
 
If she wants to pop her beautiful head out and say hello, she's always welcome to in my threads, particularly when you guys ask for her. :-D

Hi everybody. I'm kinda shy so I've been lurking on the forum, paying particular attention to ClosetPoly's posts, but I haven't wanted to butt in. However, after an invitation like one above I felt I had to at least say hi :)

I'm astounded and proud by how CP is handling all this. As he said, when I told him how I felt about his best friend I truly expected him to kick me out. I'm so glad he didn't. <3
 
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Proud of you...

Hi CP,

I am so proud of you.. those are some big steps that you have taken.

When you invent the Anti NRE spray I will take a big bottle of it.. lol It will get better. One step at a time.

Again proud of you...:):):):):):):)
 
Thank you, that means a lot! *hugs*
Now I need to save up for my therapist-appointment after their first night, i.e. my first night alone. Whaaaaaaaaah... :-D

I reckon a good workout, some good company in the evening, and some sleeping assistance will make it all manageable. And the certainty that this can't hurt me, quite the contrary. But I might be awake to chat that night, and I might need a virtual shoulder to cry on. No doubt it will be posted in full here. :D There are so many amazing shoulders here. Thank you all!
 
Hi everybody. I'm kinda shy so I've been lurking on the forum, paying particular attention to ClosetPoly's posts, but I haven't wanted to butt in. However, after an invitation like one above I felt I had to at least say hi :)

I'm astounded and proud by how CP is handling all this. As he said, when I told him how I felt about his best friend I truly expected him to kick me out. I'm so glad he didn't. <3

Welcome!
 
I took a giant leap of faith this morning, trusting myself for the first time in my life.

I have set rules, they have obliged, I have moved them, they have gratiously accepted, been thankful and moved on.

The last thing I read on the forum yesterday was the quote "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours, if not, it never was.".

This morning I told my partner I'm setting her free. No rules, no boundaries but her own, she is free to be what she is.

my partner experienced deep and true love with him before they even got to touch or kiss each other. In that sense, the scary and truly dangerous part is already out in the open, their deep love. I do however see that I have kept a tether on the bird's leg, and this morning I cut that off. It was the scariest thing I've done so far, and at the same time it has really increased my peace inside, and made me even prouder of myself. I know that for every step from here on in, I can pat my own back, and it'll feel true. And every time my fantastic partner, and her amazing boyfriend says "thank you for giving us this", it'll be true and real, and I can take it to heart.

I finally feel like I'm treating my partner as an equal, truly respecting her for what she is and finally treating myself as her equal. I can in time start expecting things and make demands, as can she. This is now hers, not mine.

by removing myself from that equation, I give her back control over her life. She's not controlled directly by me, but rather by how she feels about pushing her own boundaries, and balancing that against how much pain I might be in at that particular point in time.
This is a huge lesson learned in poly I have found. Awesome that you reached this place! Really it is :) I'm so happy for you. From here on in I would be surprised if everything hasn't changed for you. This is a deep change, more than perhaps you realize at the moment. Its complete freedom from fear. I hope you can hold on to that.

I am going to steal this for the lessons learned thread. This is a really great story that hopefully will give others hope and help them get there. Thanks! :)
 
I completely get and understand the scary part of this story but not the "safest" part. How do you fine the safety here? Or rather where did you fine the safety....it may help others to hear how you came to view this situation/decision in that light.

Good luck D
 
Red: Thank you, I am honoured! Things have changed, but not necessarily for the better for me. I'm having huge problems focusing these days, and I keep thinking about them. VanillaCrazyCake arranged a fantastic getaway just for us, yesterday, fancy hotel with a lovely outdoor pool. She coined a new term there, NRI/NRP, New Relationship Irritation/Pain. And I totally got that. :-D
What has changed though, Dingedheart, is that I don't feel fear anymore, I don't fear that she will leave me. I have set her free, and she remains with me, she has remained with me from the first day she admitted she loved him. I believe her. And I trusted in myself enough to give her full freedom of her life and relationship. If she'll leave me because he's better in bed, well then these 13 amazing years have been a charade. And they have not. :) Would I like it better if she figured out she didn't need to have sex with him? Yes, very much. Is that likely? No, not so much. Should it matter? Not really.
Right now I'm just circling, dealing with the fact that she DOES love him so much, and actually WANT to have two relationships. It's still alien to me, but I don't expect that to change for a long time...

If however anyone has good tips or techniques on how to focus on what's at hand, feel free to pour them on me. Right now, they are both in my head even when I'm alone with my partner, and that is truly annoying, because I cannot focus all of my attention on her, which she deserves. I get distracted, and that makes me sad. Buuuut ok, 1 month in. What can I expect... :)
 
CP, I wish I had had your insight 4 years ago when my husband first told me he loved someone else. What a long, hard journey it has been. Even, now, though reading of this point you've come to I feel hopeful that he and I will continue to grow.
 
1 month in! Geesh, you are doing well in just deciding to trust! Be patient with yourself. It sounds like you have a woman who loves you amd is willing to do what she can to show you AND carry on with her other relationship. Her giving is wonderful and to be commended, as is yours!

Keep breathing, try and relax, do some things for yourself that you've been meaning to do and wait it out. It could very well be, in no time at all, that you can't wait for her to leave the house so you can get about doing your thing! :) My PN is like that. He has created an amazing website on the back of my relationship with Mono (therealizedself.com). Now he LOVES having the time to write... He used to loath my going out.
 
Southern & Red: Well, it's not exactly all song and dance, I will admit. Deciding to trust her was definitely a release, and I do trust her to come home to me, but I must admit it took me a very short time to regress into the familiar uncomfortability. I think I have in a way restarted the whole process by setting her free. It's like it's a whole new situation and I have to deal with it from the top again. I'm not sure anymore what I feel, if it's letting go, sharing or just the insane weird change in my life. It is rather unpleasant at least, and I'd like it to wear off. I keep flickering between ohgodohgodohgodIcan'tdothis! and being truly happy for her. Very confusing times. Hopefully it shifts more into the latter soon.

We just had a rather pleasant 3some-setting, made dinner, watched a movie and performed a foot/head-massage on her, renewing that glow of opulence she has about her. :)

Thank you for your support, Red. She's off to be with him tomorrow, early in the day, to stay all day, and I will focus on doing something for me. I'm just finding it hard to think of things I don't desperately want to share with her. :) We've been together for 13 years and overlap each other basically 100% in interests. Everything we do, we have done together, which I think makes this extra hard to deal with. Right now I'm exhausted from lack of sleep, and stuff is harder to deal with than normal...
 
I'm just finding it hard to think of things I don't desperately want to share with her. :) We've been together for 13 years and overlap each other basically 100% in interests. Everything we do, we have done together, which I think makes this extra hard to deal with. Right now I'm exhausted from lack of sleep, and stuff is harder to deal with than normal...
this is a problem that I tend to have too. relearning to be independent after doing everything together for so long. it's easy to be independent right now because we have been apart for 3 months but I'll be back home again soon. the old routine isn't going to be the same anymore, if that makes sense.
 
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