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Old 04-08-2012, 09:11 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

Ah the online thing ... my current boyfriend Lin and I had that as well. We met online and fell in love during years of spending time together via the net. The only advice I can give you is to meet in person as soon as possible. Maybe all the things going on between you is just what it seems to be as long as the physical contact isn't established. When Lin and I met again after meeting once before, I was extremely nervous because it is about the actual in person contact that determins if you will be able to pull any relationship off. As long as you are unsure about that part, it doesn't really make sense to think about possible relationships and the like.

Secondly the hypocritical part. Do his other relationships work like that as well? Or is it something he is only experiencing in regard to you?
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Old 04-09-2012, 08:28 PM
onemoreblue onemoreblue is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 11

He and I never discussed his other relationships in detail. His main contention that I was able to get was what he wanted from me specifically was a full time D/s relationship. Not just in the bedroom but complete submission. The fact that I am married and a mother completely rule me out from this. He knew I was married, he knew I had kids, he knew I was poly. So why he would imagine this as a viable option for us to explore I have no idea but according to him this was the only way he wanted a full relationship with me. I've come to realize it doesn't really make any sense and I don't think he had all his ducks in a row if you will and simply just had no idea what he really wanted from me and it was easier to say I didn't fit the mold of what he wanted. He HAS to be in control that is just him so I feel this was just a way for him to end things on his terms. I really don't even know what to expect next. In general I feel like what I am hoping for is insane because if someone who says they are poly and who seemed to have their act together as much as he did couldn't keep it all straight and be open minded ... Man I feel like I am looking for the impossible. I know it is just one relationship but this isn't the first time I have got to the point where they fell for me but then decided they couldn't share. /sigh
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Old 04-10-2012, 04:33 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
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Originally Posted by onemoreblue View Post
I really don't even know what to expect next.
What do you mean? Are you just hanging on, hoping he will change his mind? You had an online thing with this guy for a few months and it didn't work out. You don't even know how you would have felt about him if you had met him in person. Honey, stop the pity party and make a choice - ya gotta pick yourself up and move on! Things will get better.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 04-10-2012 at 05:08 AM.
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Old 04-10-2012, 04:44 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

nycindie, I think she means the next one. Her last line says he's not the first one.

onemoreblue, if I were calculating and methodical (and a mean Dom to boot) I would do exactly what he did, with intent to make you hurt (or submit, I guess).
Just wanted to point out that I don't see any disconnect between 'calculating and methodical' and what you describe him doing. It seems that you think this is outside his normal 'calculating and methodical.' I did read you said out of character, and I'll take your word for that.

Perhaps I've seen one too many stories here about bad doms doing abusive things.

It's very unfortunate that lots of people 'know' things up front, but choose to ignore them, and then go a little nutty down the line.

I'm sorry you're hurting.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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Old 04-10-2012, 11:43 AM
onemoreblue onemoreblue is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 11

Thank you that is some very good insight and I hadn't considered this was all part of making me submit. We run in a gaming community that there is a good chance we may run into one another again, and when he wrote saying he was leaving it was all very open ended. No finality to it. Which was all the more confusing at the time. He said things like, "I'm leaving this server (that we play on together) for a few weeks, maybe longer," and he hasn't left the community pages that would require him to come back to be a part of. He was never cruel or mean in his letters just that he was protecting me, from him, his wants, his desirers and if I were to submit to him, those would be my wants, my desirers. And he wouldn't do that to my children or my husband. I'm not mad at him. I understand what he is saying. I just simply and hurt by the fact that he would feel the need to give up our year long friendship because he can't have an unrealistic intamate relationship with me. As for what to expect next it was both. I don't know if he will come back in a few weeks or more, like he said, or what he'd expect things to be if he did. As well as the idea for the future. About 7 years ago was my first attempt at merging two love interests and that man left, servered all communication with me, moved out of state, and it was all very sudden like this. I'm afraid I'll continue to feel this pain of falling, trusting, and loss. He also knew I was involved and in love well before we got to that stage, I was clear I'd not leave my primary, yet we moved forward and it all snapped.

This was the first time since I felt okay enough to try again. I learned about poly and had more resources, not to mention he was poly himself and was mentoring me in a way offering advice and things to expect. I'm not waiting 7 years again. There were a few guys that have been interested but I unfortunately had been neglecting a bit with all the consuming communication between Him and I. So I been dating. My husband set up a date for us about a week before all this blew up and I felt very comfortable with the guy. I'm just not sure intellectually we will be a match. He's very pretty to look at however and nice to touch ... lol and I have a date coming up the weekend after next with another guy who seems to have good potential.

I'm not going to dwell in self pity I am however feeling a bit hopeless.

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Old 04-10-2012, 11:27 PM
SoCalDoc SoCalDoc is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 25

Sorry for your painful disappointment. I disagree w some of Matt's take on the friend zone. It might be true that some guys want an open path to exclusivity, but many guys (myself included) would prefer a married woman in a stable relationship because that's the sort of woman who is unlikely to threaten their own marriage. I know it's hard to feel hopeful when you're dealing w the acute pain, but I think there's reason to be optimistic. Send me PM if you want to hear more of my thoughts. Good luck.
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Old 04-18-2012, 01:15 PM
onemoreblue onemoreblue is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 11
Default Update

So to give an update ... After a few days I sent him an email basically saying I accepted it was over. I thanked him for the happiness he gave me in the time we had and I wished him love ...

Then he came back. Since then I also started a blog to try and help me process all this ... http://poly-a.tumblr.com/

Over the last few days he has tried to say he was okay sharing now, he wa claiming me as owner, and I told him simply I no longer trust him enough for that to happen. We talked for hours last night and I asked he give me time to build trust with him again, he finally said, "fuck off. I am done with you"

So done again just as quickly as he returned. I'm torn because I was in love, I'm confused and I believe it was because I was manipulated, and I'm hurt and scared that this will make me hide from my desire to love more ... I know pain is the yang to love, so by accepting the love I accept the pain... It just seems a little harder every time.
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:44 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Location: Upstate New York, USA
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It certainly sounds like manipulation and game-playing to me.

And it sounds like, while it may be painful right now, having him not in your life is the best for you.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 04-18-2012, 05:53 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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What an ass. You're better off without.
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Old 04-18-2012, 05:57 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
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Sounds like a lemon of a lover in general. Anyone who would claim you without your consent is probably doing something wrong w.r.t. kink as well. You're right not to trust him. You were manipulated. Do not allow him to resume contact next time. He'll try to worm his way back in; the trick is to put up a wall without cracks.

It's hard, but I believe you have the strength to do it. Hang in there.
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
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