Redpepper's journey

I feel nothing. No love for anyone, nor much care either. I'm completely on my own as far as I can tell. I wonder if anyone notices from the outside. I feel as if I am paying lip service to my relationships with everyone.

Please go see a doctor about depression. This has been plaguing you for so long. It doesn't sound like exercise and sunshine will be enough to get you through it. I'm no expert. Please talk to someone who is.
 
Please go see a doctor about depression. This has been plaguing you for so long, it doesn't sound like exercise and sunshine will be enough to get you through it. I'm no expert, please talk to someone who is.
Maybe you are right. I am no expert, either.

I do know that when no one is around and I am grounded, when I've done my self talk and have found a way to smile, I'm okay. For longer times.

I am going through it. It's hard. I will go to the doctor if it gets worse, but it's not yet. I would like to feel it all. Every moment. I am hoping that I will learn the most that way. If it's getting better all the time then it's not the time, I figure.

My concern is that getting better means leaving what I know and starting again, bailing on everyone and everything. It's my instinct I am fighting. Holding on and living through the motions when they come up, writing about it here at the worst points and carrying on is all I want right now.

Maybe more positive posts. Lol. ;)
 
Redpepper, "not feeling" is part of the identifying features of clinical depression.

For anyone who knows someone with depression or who might think they are depressed, this comic/blog was extremely enlightening.
 
I'm learning to be seperate and in my body. Its coming. I had sex and did it only for me. No connection to my partner. It was strange. Empowering and sad at the same time. Practice I guess will help.

RP, you've said elsewhere that sex without connection deeply hurts you. It's one of the reasons you don't have casual sex anymore. Why are you learning to do something that is so harmful to you? We change and learn and grow but, for you, this seems so extreme and very unlike you.

You are going through major shifts in self and relationships. You will jettison things that were once dear. But this seems like self harm.

I don't want to contain you. We are all more than what we write here. And I will accept and enjoy whoever the new RP is at the end of this particular hard time. But go read some of the things you've written about the kind of sex and connection you want and need to be healthy. You will see why I am so startled that the quote above was written by you.

In combination with the writing about feeling nothing, I, like lots of other people, am really worried about you. Please go see a professional.
 
I had the same reaction as others. This sounds exactly like depression to me. My mom has been hospitalized for depression more than once, and two of my three current partners are also sufferers. (As weird as it is to say on a topic like this, I guess I... have a type?) My point is that the signs become very familiar and you are showing them clearly-- loss of interest in the things you once cared about, loss of a normal range of feelings, loss of a sense of connection to yourself and the world.

Sure, you could wait until it gets worse to get help, but, by the time it's worse, will you care enough about yourself to bother? I would strongly recommend seeing someone sooner, rather than later.
 
I don't get how to do poly wih this state of mind. It seems pointless and almost laughable. Maybe I will get it eventually. I feel nothing. No love for anyone, nor much care either. I'm completely on my own as far as I can tell. I wonder if anyone notices from the outside. I feel as if I am paying lip service to my relationships with everyone. Part of rebuilding maybe?

Maybe. You sound like I felt for years after my mother died (2001). I am just recently, coincidentally perhaps with resuming my old relationship, joining roller derby, & losing the weight I gained, starting to feel like my old self again.

I'm not sure exactly what happened to you to cause this, nor do I have any ideas for you on how to get through it. When I went through my phase, the one thing that helped most was my spouse. Well, two things - my Spouse and my cats. They make a mess; I clean it up. We tried it the other way around - I make the mess and they clean it up - but that didn't work as well, so we went with what works best.

ETA: agreed about the depression. they might just offer you drugs, but you don't HAVE to take them. sometimes they help though. and you don't have to take them forever if you decide to. i know you know this already, but maybe you need to be told it too.
 
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It comes down to this: I don't want to be poly any more. I want to be free of it. I'm stuck with it for now. I don't want to share Mono. I'm stuck with that.

I don't want to do most of the things going on in my life right now, and I have to. No amount of medication is going to change that. Time and figuring it out will. I have been through this before. It's not uncommon for me in my life. I reach a place where it all hits the fan and I have to decide to start again or make do.

NYCindie: you were right, in part. I fucked up. If Mono were ever available for a monogamous relationship or even one with just PN and me, would take it. He isn't, though. He never has been. He likely never will be.

My losing Leo and dating Brad set us on a course that I didn't know would end up with his need to try out poly. If I had known, I likely would have done something to try and stop the course. Everyone knows that is not possible, so here I am.

It was all coming to this point where I would find myself facing everyone I loved starting new relationships. I cannot handle it without removing myself emotionally. It's a defense. I know that really well, and it's useful to me. It's not permanent or forever, but it's my coping mechanism until I do what I need to do (after I figure it out). I know it hurts people. I know it seems ridiculous and maybe even childish, but I am working on it and I come here to dump the residue of that work.

The way I see it is, I have lost an important love of my life. He was never going to be monogamous with me, ever. It's not his nature. I want that with him, or at least a chance, but I am pretty sure what the outcome would be: more cheating and more upheaval.

For some reason, I thought it was different, or maybe things had changed for me along the line. It's caused me to reassess the future I had in mind for us, eventually, that will never be. That will take time. I need time.

It's caused me to look at everything in my life and to change my long-term plans in major ways. I'm creating new goals. That is not a joyous task for someone who is deeply hurt and mourning what she thinks she had with someone; a future she thought she had.

People can say until whenever that I should get over it and just deal. But I love more deeply than most, I think, and it's not possible yet. All I have is what I know and that is to gain perspective by distancing myself emotionally from everyone and everything. I know poly theory like the back of my hand, but it doesn't mean I don't feel.

Application is far different. I'm not good at this, I fully admit. But damn it, I will be better than fine.
 
end of message.

Good thing you think so because I'm rubbing people the wrong way. :eek:

I had a rage house clean last night. PN is walking around oohing and ahhing over the pretty house. Mono just sat and watched and didn't say a word. I raged at him for a bit, but he was having nothing of it. Smart man. This morning I was minus the rage and feeling better. Sex helped. Rage sex.

I had a message from my ex-wife today. She indicated she was going through similar life changes where she needed to make some major decisions and is exhausting herself trying to figure it out, rather than deciding and doing. I could relate.

Really, though, I am staying right here, biting my lip, waiting and planning to make myself busy. It occurred to me that I could replace relationships with other stuff like art, dance, horses, swimming... A mono boyfriend, a good vibrator and all that would make a full life.
 
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Please go see a doctor about depression. This has been plaguing you for so long, it doesn't sound like exercise and sunshine will be enough to get you through it. I'm no expert, please talk to someone who is.
I was about to say pretty much the same thing.

Something is wrong, and you do not seem yourself.

And you most certainly are loved, in so many ways, even by many of us here, I suspect. It's certainly not nice, not knowing how to help you out. But a doc may be able to.
 
Tough Stuff.

My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to struggle, to want to push everyone away, to want to rip it all down and start again. Take care of yourself, RP. Yoga and jogging are the only known cures for depression (read William Glasser, he is awesome in times like this). I would recommend BOTH. Good food, good sleeps, time with yourself, water, exercise, hot baths. As my dad always tells me at the lowest points of my life: this too, shall pass.

Hugs
 
I know you were joking (or maybe not), but it makes me curious -- why do you only want a mono bf when you are poly? It seriously puzzles me.

:confused:
I was joking. Although, even though I was being sarcastic, it has crossed my mind. Maybe I'm not poly, after all. Maybe this is where it all changes for me. I always thought it wouldn't be forever. Who knows? I will keep you posted.
 
I was about to say pretty much the same thing. Something is wrong, and you do not seem yourself.

And you most certainly are loved, in so many ways, even by many of us here, I suspect. It's certainly not nice, not knowing how to help you out. But a doc may be able to.

The doc might help, sure. I'm a deep processor. Freaky, isn't it? No one can help really, except to acknowledge I am here and will live. It takes about three months to get through a trauma. I've had a few this year and I always get through them. This will be no different. You'll see. Apparently something clicks and suddenly it all seems different with trauma. I await the "aha" moment. If I don't have one, then I will conjure up a change somehow.
 
My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to struggle, to want to push everyone away, to want to rip it all down and start again. Take care of yourself, RP. Yoga and jogging are the only known cures for depression (read William Glasser, he is awesome in times like this) and I would recommend BOTH. Good food, good sleeps, time with yourself, water, exercise, hot baths. As my dad always tells me at the lowest points of my life: this too shall pass.
Rip it all down fits entirely. A total renovation is what I feel like creating. A move to another house, even. I am weighing it all up and deciding what is affordable and what I can make do with. Also what I want to keep.

This too shall pass.
 
I have a big week this week. Mono is away for two or three nights and I plan to use the time to totally distract myself and have a good time and relax.

I am going to his female friend's house tomorrow night to watch something with her and drink beer.

The next day, I am meeting my new mono friend for a couple hours together.

Then, dinner with Brad, who I have been seeing again. For now, I am enjoying his company and love. I care for him and it just, well, feels right. I see little difference now in deep friendship and partnership anyway. It's all loving and fills my heart.

Derby and I are spending some time together. I have missed her company. With time, I really hope that being friends will seem much like how we were as partners. I see no reason to change, other than time expectations. She is struggling with the change of status however, and I am doing my best to honour and validate her feelings.

Bring on the week. :) Mantras this week include being in my body and just saying "me" over and over again in my head. It's strangely comforting. Occasionally, I add a huge arm stretch and breathe deeply so my chest spreads open, and the pain in my chest dissipates for a second.
 
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I am going to his female friend's house tomorrow night to watch something with her and drink beer.


Redpepper, I know this is your blog & all that, but would it be possible for you to give this person a nickname? I'm sure this is MY problem, but, I found it creepy from Day One that you've been referring to her as "female friend" all the time. It makes her sound like a SPECIMEN, like something preserved in a jar of formaldehyde for medical students to study. I realize that there might be some purpose to your doing it that way, as if to keep her segregated in your mind or something, which is your prerogative, I suppose.

I'm curious if there is anyone else who has thought the same thing as I have above regarding this "female friend" descriptor.
 
Redpepper, I know this is your blog & all that, but would it be possible for you to give this person a nickname? I'm sure this is MY problem - but, i found it creepy from Day One that you've been referring to her as "female friend" all the time. It makes her sound like a SPECIMEN, like something preserved in a jar of formaldehyde for medical students to study. I realize that there might be some purpose to your doing it that way, as if to keep her segregated in your mind or something, which is your prerogative I suppose.

I'm curious if there is anyone else who has thought the same thing as I have above regarding this "female friend" descriptor.

Good point, BG. I did name her something, but I have forgotten what, at this point. I shall call her June. Please remind me if I forget again.
 
I have a big week this week. Mono is away for two or three nights and I plan to use the time to totally distract and have a good time and relax.

I am going to his female friend's house tomorrow night to watch something with her and drink beer.

The next day I am meeting my new mono friend for a couple hours together.

Then dinner with Brad, who I have been seeing again. For now, I'm enjoying his company and love. I care for him and it just, well, feels right. I see little difference now between deep friendship and partnership anyway. It's all loving and fills my heart.

Derby and I are spending some time together. I have missed her company. With time I really hope that being friends will seem much like how we were partners. I see no reason to change, other than time expectations. She is struggling with the change of status however, and I am doing my best to honour and validate her feelings.

Bring on the week. :) Mantras this week include being in my body and just saying "me" over and over again in my head. It's strangely comforting. Occasionally I add a huge arm stretch and breathe deeply so my chest spreads open, and the pain in my chest dissipates for a second.

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