I am poly, spouse is not

I think insurance would cover most of it once the deductible is met. We hit our whole deductible every year because we have an autistic child, so it may not cost that much.

Definitely get into counseling. Just having kids is enough to throw a monkey wrench into a marriage, but having the added stress of an autistic child is like hitting it with a 50 cal. You mentioned that your wife is controlling and nags a lot... she has an autistic child, she has to be in control 24/7 (or at least she feels like she has to be in control) to deal with the child. Ask yourself, "are we truly working as a team in this marriage or is her nagging, her way of begging for more help?" My husband thought he was doing me a favor, by just letting me handle things... yeah, no! I saw it as him escaping his responsibilities to the family. I'll bet there are a number of small everyday things that both of you can do that will improve things between you.
 
Definitely get into counseling. Just having kids is enough to throw a monkey wrench into a marriage, but having the added stress of an autistic child is like hitting it with a 50 cal. You mentioned that your wife is controlling and nags a lot... she has an autistic child, she has to be in control 24/7 (or at least she feels like she has to be in control) to deal with the child. Ask yourself, "are we truly working as a team in this marriage or is her nagging, her way of begging for more help?" My husband thought he was doing me a favor, by just letting me handle things... yeah, no! I saw it as him escaping his responsibilities to the family. I'll bet there are a number of small everyday things that both of you can do that will improve things between you.

I know that's part of it. Part of it is personality. She doesn't like to feel out of control of anything in her life. I don't like to have my entire life under control. It's not either of our faults. We just are the way we are. And you are right that an autistic child throws a huge kink into her desire to be in control. I think a big thing too is lack of trust. And I'm not just talking about the infidelity because it was creeping in way before that. And I'm not just talking about sex or other relationships. I was a business owner and it started to fail. She became VERY vocal about me shutting down the business and getting a "real" job and essentially alluded to the fact that I must not love my family if I wouldn't do this for them. In her mind, anyone with a brain could see that continuing to take this risk was selfish. In my mind continuing to take the risk so I could set us up for life was selfless and we were never going to see it the same way.

To save my marriage I quit that job and have a desk job now. But to this day I don't think it was right. In my opinion she can express her opinions all she wants but that business was my domain and it was my decision as to whether I kept it going or quit. I would never in a million years do that to her if she had chosen that route and had a dream. After that I started to see her as a dream killer and suddenly every time she said she was comfortable with me doing this or that I just built up a lot of resentment. Sometimes justified and sometimes not. To this day I'm still not convinced that she thinks I have my families best interest at heart in everything I do.

But no one us perfect. Certainly not myself. Ill be the first to admit I'm strange. Simply the fact that I would be poly if she let me is strange. Many girls would hear that and run for the hills. lol
 
There used to be a great list of poly-friendly professionals, www.polychromatic.com, that appears to be down (I hope temporarily). I did find this:

http://openingup.net/open-list/

You can also look on the Psychology Today website and look at the qualifications and specialties of counselors in your area. While I have found that very few counselors there will list polyamory as a specialty, often people who counsel bi, trans, and kinky people will have at least some familiarity with polyamory.

Another option for you might be working with a sex therapist who could guide the two of you towards making your own marital sex life more diverse and satisfying. Try to find a counselor with an AASECT certification if you can. It's likely that someone with that certification will have some knowledge of polyamory as well.

I am wondering, do you really have room for/time for other relationships in your life if you have a full-time job and an autistic child? Are there other children as well?
 
There used to be a great list of poly-friendly professionals, www.polychromatic.com, that appears to be down (I hope temporarily). I did find this:

http://openingup.net/open-list/

You can also look on the Psychology Today website and look at the qualifications and specialties of counselors in your area. While I have found that very few counselors there will list polyamory as a specialty, often people who counsel bi, trans, and kinky people will have at least some familiarity with polyamory.

Another option for you might be working with a sex therapist who could guide the two of you towards making your own marital sex life more diverse and satisfying. Try to find a counselor with an AASECT certification if you can. It's likely that someone with that certification will have some knowledge of polyamory as well.

I am wondering, do you really have room for/time for other relationships in your life if you have a full-time job and an autistic child? Are there other children as well?

Thanks I will look into that today. All good advice.

I wouldn't have time for a relationship that required a lot it time. Not to say I couldn't send her nice notes and texts throughout the day, but actual dates we go on would probably be limited to once a week or so. Certainly not another primary. I know a girl right now who I'm pretty sure would be interested. It's hard to say because I usually don't entertain when she says things like I'm a single mom, I don't have time for a relationship. I just want somebody with no real attachment to come over occasionally and spend time with me.

The other day I turned down a threesome with a couple of really sexy girls with great personalities. But I'm committed to my marriage so I don't ever follow through with any of it.
 
The other day I turned down a threesome with a couple of really sexy girls with great personalities. But I'm committed to my marriage so I don't ever follow through with any of it.

I am wondering, just how did you get to the point where you were offered this sexual situation?

Generally, people who are living as monogamous don't get these offers unless they are encouraging the people who make the offer.

You clearly have trust issues in your marriage. They are not going to go away if you are flirting with other women to the point where they are offering you threesomes.
 
The other day I turned down a threesome with a couple of really sexy girls with great personalities. But I'm committed to my marriage so I don't ever follow through with any of it.

I am wondering, just how did you get to the point where you were offered this sexual situation?

Generally, people who are living as monogamous don't get these offers unless they are encouraging the people who make the offer.

You clearly have trust issues in your marriage. They are not going to go away if you are flirting with other women to the point where they are offering you threesomes.

Alcohol does things to women. lol

Also, some women like the challenge of a married man. And then when you tell them no, they think you're just playing hard to get. I'm honestly not a big flirter. Even if we were poly I would struggle with it. For two reasons.

1. I've been dating and or married to my wife since 10th grade. I honestly have no idea how to flirt

2. My dad was a huge flirt, even to the point that he would flirt with some of my friends and make them feel extremely uncomfortable. Up until a couple of years ago when we would say hello or goodbye to other couples I would give the guy a hug and then shake the girls hand because it made me feel uncomfortable giving her a hug. I always have this fear in the back of my head that they are going to take it the wrong way and I would make them feel uncomfortable the way my dad used to.

I was simply having great conversation with them at a bar. Maybe since I was the first guy not to try to pick them up at the bar with some cheesy pickup line and just had a nice conversation with them, they actually found me attractive?
 
Ack. IMO, you'd be better off spending your free time in couples counseling than chatting up tipsy horny women in bars and coming here reporting on that. Good grief. I see you think your wife is a control freak, so you're going out alone cruising as a FU... never mind you're not using "cheesy" pickup lines, you must've given those 2 hot to trot women some kind of sexual signals.

Time to grow up and get things straightened out ethically.
 
After that I started to see her as a dream killer and suddenly every time she said she was comfortable with me doing this or that I just built up a lot of resentment. To this day I'm still not convinced that she thinks I have my families best interest at heart in everything I do.

There's a lot to be said for following your dreams. Sure, a desk job can bring home a steady paycheque and a sense of security for the missus, but if you're miserable at work, then you're going to be miserable in life. In my experience, people who are miserable make terrible companions.

Ack. Control issues mom + autistism? Poor kid. Autism spectrum kids need freedom to be themselves and explore life on their own terms. Pattern and routine? Absolutely. But control? Good luck, lady!
 
Ack. IMO, you'd be better off spending your free time in couples counseling than chatting up tipsy horny women in bars and coming here reporting on that. Good grief. I see you think your wife is a control freak, so you're going out alone cruising as a FU... never mind you're not using "cheesy" pickup lines, you must've given those 2 hot to trot women some kind of sexual signals.

Time to grow up and get things straightened out ethically.

Maybe I'm just incredibly handsome. lol

There are a lot of assumptions in that post. I go out with coworkers a couple of times a month to unwind. I think it's healthy to spend that time out just letting loose and having fun. It's actually been really good for our marriage. Our marriage is one giant counseling session. All we do is talk about what's wrong with it and how to fix it or what's wrong with our kids and how to fix them. I need an occasional night to unwind or its really unhealthy.

You talk about ethics. I have a very strong set of ethics. They may differ from yours, but one big one is I always try not to judge other people and make a bunch if assumptions about them from what little knowledge I have about them.
 
Update:

So I got my wife to go see a counselor again. She is going to see her first for a couple of weeks and then we will start marriage counseling. She is not a Christian counselor. But I already have one concern. She of course told her in the first session that I had expressed a desire to have an open relationship. The response from the psychologist was the typical, "I've never seen that work!" And then she recommended a lady for our marriage counselor who specializes in addictions. lol

So now I have a bit if a quagmire on my hands??
 
You need to find a poly friendly counselor. Not one who is anti-open marriage, not one who specializes in (sex) addiction.

When my ex and I first opened our marriage, we managed to find a counselor who specialized in alternative lifestyles. We were newly poly, I am bisexual, we were homeschooling our kids, one of whom is mentally ill. The counselor was fantastic. We did couples counseling for a year, I did individual counseling with her for 2 years and my ex did individual as well for a year. It didn't prevent us breaking up, but that was not the goal. The goal was better emotional health for both of us and a better chance at a happier life. Which I now have.

Going out to the bar with co-workers? Sure, unwind with your friends. Talking so intensely with 2 (strange) women they offer you sex? Not so good. Not now, not with your marriage swirling in the toilet.
 
Update:
She of course told her in the first session that I had expressed a desire to have an open relationship. The response from the psychologist was the typical, "I've never seen that work!" And then she recommended a lady for our marriage counselor who specializes in addictions. lol

So now I have a bit if a quagmire on my hands??

At the first meeting? :eek: Maybe there's some new trend with counselors to see cheating, extra marital affairs or open relationships as an addiction or something. Our counselor tried to refer my husband to someone for sex addiction also. At that point my defenses went up, but after that one incident, we just focused on the stuff between us and all was good. I would say that it might be good to keep looking - maybe those that don't like to deal with alt lifestyles can't tell the difference between an addiction and just wanting something different.
 
Maybe I'm just incredibly handsome. lol

There are a lot of assumptions in that post. I go out with coworkers a couple of times a month to unwind. I think it's healthy to spend that time out just letting loose and having fun. It's actually been really good for our marriage. Our marriage is one giant counseling session. All we do is talk about what's wrong with it and how to fix it or what's wrong with our kids and how to fix them. I need an occasional night to unwind or its really unhealthy.

You talk about ethics. I have a very strong set of ethics. They may differ from yours, but one big one is I always try not to judge other people and make a bunch if assumptions about them from what little knowledge I have about them.

While I certainly understand the compulsion to identify and fix what is wrong in a relationship, if it is the only aspect discussed, it can just be a downward spiral. It is important to include in every discussion what is right with the relationship and what you enjoy or admire about the other person. I am sure there are things that brought you together, and keep you both talking.
 
While I certainly understand the compulsion to identify and fix what is wrong in a relationship, if it is the only aspect discussed, it can just be a downward spiral. It is important to include in every discussion what is right with the relationship and what you enjoy or admire about the other person. I am sure there are things that brought you together, and keep you both talking.

A lot more of it is how we are going to help our autistic son and where are we going to come up with the money for the next thing they suggest, and the next tuition payment, and so on. But relationship stuff too.

We got married far too young and both made a lot if relationship mistakes that we are just now recovering from. She can't let things go until they are resolved so we talk about them over and over again. When all I want to do is grab a bottle of wine, pour a couple of glasses and say, "We are fucking Jedi warriors for making it through everything we have so far."

I don't mean to always talk bad about her. She has good qualities too I promise!
 
At the first meeting? :eek: Maybe there's some new trend with counselors to see cheating, extra marital affairs or open relationships as an addiction or something. Our counselor tried to refer my husband to someone for sex addiction also. At that point my defenses went up, but after that one incident, we just focused on the stuff between us and all was good. I would say that it might be good to keep looking - maybe those that don't like to deal with alt lifestyles can't tell the difference between an addiction and just wanting something different.

I have looked everywhere. But I live in the south. Poly or alt friendly is just nowhere to be found. This place at least has lots of experience with families with special needs children.

But what do I tell my wife when an "expert" is telling her she has never seen it work? That I met some people on the Internet who say otherwise? lol
 
I have looked everywhere. But I live in the south. Poly or alt friendly is just nowhere to be found. This place at least has lots of experience with families with special needs children.

But what do I tell my wife when an "expert" is telling her she has never seen it work? That I met some people on the Internet who say otherwise? lol

I sympathize. I really do. I was part of a triad that was promoted by the wife - until her husband and I really fell for each other. Then she began screaming about how he had betrayed her. WTF? Anyway, the first marriage counselor they went to - someone with a PhD in psychology - basically stated that despite all of her encouragement, the husband had indeed betrayed her. Again WTF?

Anyway, they saw a second counselor who was more objective. That counselor objectively stated that they had both grown, but in different directions and ought to consider how to dissolve the marriage amicably. Needless to say that didn't stick with the wife. Their problems were all of his fault for having the wherewithal to have grown beyond the 28 year old she married.

While I think your poly ideas may be a bit uninformed due to a lack of experience, I see that you and your wife are, at this point, fundamentally different and your issues are excerbated by special needs child.

Btw, my couple is now divorcing. She blames me rather than acknowledging her own part, despite the fact that I was out of their life for a better part of a year before they separated. He and I had to tear everything down to rock bottom to start building us. It's since taken him almost a year to regain his sense of who he is, and some days it's still shaky. After three years since the beginning of our triad venture, we are just now seeing light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel.
 
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Update - Had a rough weekend. I had plans over a month ago to go to a basketball game with friends and had already paid for tickets. Then my wife planned my sons Birthday party for the next morning. So I went out anyways and had planned to be home not much later than midnight so I'd have enough rest. We went to the game and went out to have a couple of drinks after. I wasn't really thinking because I am usually a very smart drinker and don't really like being drunk. I ordered three drinks but they had a deal to make it a double for free. Not sure why it didn't occur to me that this was like drinking 2 drinks for each. We were just having fun talking and I totally didn't think about it. I walked back to the car and realized I was in no position to drive. So I locked the doors and laid down to catch some sleep. When I woke up at 2am to my wife's text the whole car was spinning in circles and I puked 3 times before I could manage to text her back. I ended up getting a cab home which cost a fortune cause it was far away. By the time I finally got home it was 4am.

The next day I felt like I could puke at any moment all day long. Which meant my wife had to do almost everything to prepare and clean up after the party. I helped where I could but I felt like I was going to die. I don't think I'm going to drink again for at least a month. lol I have honestly never done this before in my life so its not like I have a history of doing this. It was honestly a mistake. One I paid for dearly. I apologized profusely.

Here is my question...

I have a legitimate fear that one day I'm going to really get sick like cancer or something and my wife will make me miserable. She had a tendency when I get sick to non stop make comments about how me being sick is messing up her day. And I sometimes get tired of her struggles to be graceful when I make mistakes. When she screws up I tell her everything is going to be ok and we make it work. When I mess up I get an earful about how much I've messed up her day. And it bothers me that if she had made the same mistake and I talked to her that way while she was about to puke all day, then she would have some serious words for me.

Am I way off base? Should I expect to be berated all day as punishment for my mistake and just shrug it off? I tried to be extra helpful the next day, and even let her sleep in, then took the kids to the park in the middle if the day so she could relax, but she was still in a bad mood and nothing I did was right.

By the end of the night my wife was going through all my text messages on my cell phone to make sure nobody was setting me. And started questioning jokes people sent me and why this girl at work was discussing personal stuff. Then she asked me why I deleted some texts, because she could tell that parts of a conversation were missing.

This is another question entirely. It's honestly because I know how my wife is. I know she is going to read every text and question everything and I have a girl I work with who tends to text things like XOXO occasionally. But she does that with anyone at work she texts. She also once told me on Facebook that she missed me while she put pictures of her having drinks on the beach. So my wife is convinced she is trying to steal me away.

I got fed up and told her to give my phone back, and I'm revoking her right to check my messages. I don't think it's fair that I have to live my whole life scared to death that one day somebody is going to text me something she will take the wrong way or god forbid someone sexts the wrong number or one of these stupid robot girls somehow starts spamming my cell phone. I don't want to be in a relationship like that.

We ended up arguing and she told me to just leave her multiple times because that's obviously what I want to do. In truth part of me does want to. I'm not sure she will ever change or things will ever be better unless I completely go back to being her bitch and give up on being myself. But we can't afford a divorce. We can't even pay for all of my sons therapies as it stands today. Plus the thought of only seeing my kids every other weekend makes me completely miserable. But I think the two of us have grown so far apart and we both have so much built up angst against each other that its hard to imagine we will ever give each other a fair shake.
 
What is your wife's typical day like? Who does she banter and vent to about day to day struggles? When and in what manner does she socialize, unwind, just in general get away from the house and kids? How many kids are we talking about here?
 
I have looked everywhere. But I live in the south. Poly or alt friendly is just nowhere to be found. This place at least has lots of experience with families with special needs children.

But what do I tell my wife when an "expert" is telling her she has never seen it work? That I met some people on the Internet who say otherwise? lol

I live in Montgomery, Alabama and we have poly-friendly counselors here. You just have to expand your search area a bit. I know gas can be a cost issue. Do you have a Unitarian church in your area? They are usually non-denominational and very open to different ways of thinking.

Also, if you find a non-poly-friendly counselor and ask them, they might be able to point you in the right direction.
 
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