Jealousy, Compersion and Disclosure

QingrenJu

New member
Greetings all.
I have recently, to my own shock and amazement, discovered that I am a poly.
As part of my spiritual awakening, I have been able to deal with my moral boundaries and am confident of my ability to live a non-traditional lifestyle in that regard.
I have adult children who are aware of the situation, and a long distance "primary" relationship with an amazing, available woman who accepts that my other relationship (to a married woman - also her first poly relationship) pre-dates ours and she has come into the situation "eyes open". She does, however, feel that my continued love for my other partner is due to her inability to satisfy my "needs".
I have assure her that this is not the case, and that, had we been together before I fell in love with No1, I would probably never have even considered polyamory. We are discussing the possibility of my moving to be with her, but she has recently confessed that she would only want that outcome if we were to become exclusive. She is not a poly.

How do polys here deal with a primary partner who is monogamous and only accepting of the situation because they have to be? We share the same spiritual beliefs regarding love not constituting ownership, but she just doesn't want to share me, and I am truly grateful for her honesty. I just do not know if I am prepared to sacrifice my relationship with No1.

I have, to no avail, referred her to several articles on "compersion" which helped me overcome my own initial jealousy with No1. Ironically, No1 has started to attract attention from other men and mainly on the basis of her already limited available time, I am, once again, experiencing my own jealousy in that relationship.

That brings me to the issue of disclosure.
I have asked No1 not to tell me about her other relationships.
I feel that the acknowledgement of the open nature of the relationship is enough to constitute "ethical polyamory" without being forced to choke up and re-swallow the "red pill" on a daily basis (reference from the film "The Matrix"). She has a MAJOR issue with this, as she believes it is an indication that I am not fully accepting of the situation. I have admitted that my jealousy is, indeed MY problem, but asked her to be mindful of my feelings.
Every time we have a disagreement, her default position is "I don't think this is good for you", to which my response is "if you want to end it, then end it ... stop using "inception" on me to avoid the responsibility".

I would greatly appreciate some guidance at this part of my "way".

Namaste
 
I'm sure someone here will address your whole post more eloquently than I... I just have a couple points.

And welcome to the boards, BTW.

I have asked No1 not to tell me about her other relationships.
I feel that the acknowledgement of the open nature of the relationship is enough to constitute "ethical polyamory" without being forced to choke up and re-swallow the "red pill" on a daily basis (reference from the film "The Matrix"). She has a MAJOR issue with this, as she believes it is an indication that I am not fully accepting of the situation. I have admitted that my jealousy is, indeed MY problem, but asked her to be mindful of my feelings.
Every time we have a disagreement, her default position is "I don't think this is good for you", to which my response is "if you want to end it, then end it ... stop using "inception" on me to avoid the responsibility".

I'm monogamous, and I agree with her.

Let me explain... If I'd started my relationship with my partner in "head in the sand" mode, then I'd have never been able to confront the things that make me jealous or envious. I'd never have dug deeply enough to figure out exactly what it is about a situation that upsets me. It's like masking leg pain with ibuprofen versus just going to the doctor and figuring out what the hell the problem is. If you don't get to the source of the problem, you're going to be pain managing for a very long time, and never getting rid of it.

Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. In fact, it gives any slip ("Where'd you go today?" "uuuuuhhhh... out with <x>.") the opportunity to lead to a full-blown emotional eruption each and every time it happens (and it'll happen).

I do have things that I don't like to hear, and social media can be a real big PITA. But I've found the things that I could work through, found the things I can't, and I manage that narrow subset of it all, rather than trying to manage the whole thing.


How do polys here deal with a primary partner who is monogamous and only accepting of the situation because they have to be? We share the same spiritual beliefs regarding love not constituting ownership, but she just doesn't want to share me, and I am truly grateful for her honesty. I just do not know if I am prepared to sacrifice my relationship with No1.

I have, to no avail, referred her to several articles on "compersion" which helped me overcome my own initial jealousy with No1. Ironically, No1 has started to attract attention from other men and mainly on the basis of her already limited available time, I am, once again, experiencing my own jealousy in that relationship.

So you do realize how sending her materials on compersion, when contrasted against what I quoted at the top, sounds hypocritical, no? Double standards stink. Make sure that if you impose one, everyone else is REALLY, TRULY okay with it, otherwise, it's a great breeding ground for resentment.

And honestly, if she doesn't like the idea, there's no forcing her. I went in to my relationship with eyes wide open, and I had times where I thought it wasn't going to work. It took time and experience to get through a lot of the "I'm not good enough" issues, and while we have a long-distance aspect adding to the problem as well, it's still a drivable distance, and I didn't have to deal with long periods of not seeing him. If I had, then no, this relationship would not have been sustainable for me.

Good luck.
 
That brings me to the issue of disclosure.
I have asked No1 not to tell me about her other relationships.
I feel that the acknowledgement of the open nature of the relationship is enough to constitute "ethical polyamory" without being forced to choke up and re-swallow the "red pill" on a daily basis (reference from the film "The Matrix"). She has a MAJOR issue with this, as she believes it is an indication that I am not fully accepting of the situation. I have admitted that my jealousy is, indeed MY problem, but asked her to be mindful of my feelings.
Every time we have a disagreement, her default position is "I don't think this is good for you", to which my response is "if you want to end it, then end it ... stop using "inception" on me to avoid the responsibility".

I would greatly appreciate some guidance at this part of my "way".

Namaste

My feeling on limiting disclosure to the fact that there ARE other relationships but putting a moratorium on disclosing anything about them is that it would seem to necessarily put a limit on the depth/intimacy that you can develop within the relationship.

These other relationships may not impact yours directly but they do make up a significant part of your partner's life. I would draw the analogy that it would be like someone who was married to a person who could not disclose/talk about their career/worklife. The person goes to work every day, spends a majority of their time that is not with you on this big important part of their life, and then is supposed to come home from work and pretend that it never happened? They would be affected by things that happened at work, decisions they had to make, wonderful or awful things they had experienced and could not share that with you. I would think that that "artificial wall" would create a distance that would be hard to broach in terms of really knowing/understanding your partner.
 
Thank you both for your advice. I am having dinner with The Musician tonight and she wants to discuss this issue.

My point is that both of us have acquiesced to our other partner's request to limit "mentionitis" and focus on them when we are with them. Whilst I don't see my request as any different, The Musician sees me as the only person with whom she can be completely open, mainly due to the fact that it took her several months of soul searching to tell her husband about our relationship. I chose to give her that time, and the option of ending it without disclosure, but insisted from the outset that I was not prepared to enable her deception indefinitely. This was the first time either of us had even considered breaching a marital bond, and quite a rollercoaster of emotions and spiritual realisation.

I accept that the closeness of our bond is what took us into these uncharted waters in the first place, and will endeavour to implement your well thought out advice. Perhaps I am choking on the "Red Pill" because I have not completely swallowed it yet. I was clinging to the romantic notion of sharing her with only one other man. She has said that under no circumstances would she "do this again" betraying now two soulmates (her words), but I am acutely aware of the fact that "no boundaries" means exactly that. Closing ourselves to the possibility of other connections would be spiritually the same as if we had closed ourselves off to eachother.
 
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Hi QingrenJu,

I don't think you need a "flood of red pills," but the occasional mention of someone the Musician was seeing may be digestable. Small steps. That's the key.

Re: the Artist ... she'll have to decide for herself whether she can stand to have a poly partner. The first step to overcoming her insecurities is that she has to want to overcome them. All the reading in the world won't help her before that first step.

Polyamory is a great relationship model, but it's not right for everyone. Don't try to force it, just relax and see what your inner self tells you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
We lost the Artist this week. Not sad. Has made me wonder if I am actually a mono who wanted sauce for the gander ;)
 
It sounds like you're still in a poly situation, even if you're at a "mono" end of it.
 
Definitely still in a poly situation with the Musician. Starting to be a little more forthright with my responses to her complaints about the Thinker though. That is what has me wondering if I am perhaps a mono who is accepting poly by necessity.
 
I think people are on a slider between "extreme poly" and "extreme mono." Most of us are somewhere in the middle, and thus can adapt ourselves to either relationship style.
 
"if you want to end it, then end it"

That response, in my loving opinion, is very manipulative.

Your relationship is not a bargaining chip in a negotiation. Either you both are committed to the relationship and to working through the issues that lead to your insecurities, or you are not. Decide; yes or no. Do you want the relationship or not? Don't use it to bargain and don't give her the feeling that you are willing to just throw it away, or allow her to do the same, if you don't get something you want.

You compromise on issues, behaviors, and how you spend your time and money. You do not compromise on your commitment to one another. You either are or are not committed. You can't have it both ways.
 
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