Poly and kids

Emmy37

New member
Last night our (mine & Bud's) oldest came to me after Sweet Lady left for a few minutes to check on her kids, and asked if we could go back to being the family we were before. She said she liked it better when it was just her Dad and I. She said Sweet Lady is always here and her Dad is always paying attention to her instead of me. Which isn't entirely true, but because of how work shifts are for Sweet Lady and I, she spends the majority of day time here (works 5am-1pm or 1-9pm) while I'm working (usually 9-5 or 7-3:30) plus nights here after I get home. How do I respond to that?

Edited to add that she is 12 years old if that makes a difference in how to approach this.
 
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Maybe bud can go to her house some times instead? Make more of an effort to do things, you, bud and the kids without sweet lady around. I could see how having someone in my space as a child would feel uncomfortable, it is her home too. Not saying sweet lady shouldn't spend time there too but there should be a balance there. Sounds like your child is craving family time
 
Sounds like your child is craving family time

Unfortunately, properly integrating new "parental figures" is difficult. Whether SweetLady wants to be that or not, she'll be seen as such by kids. May be a welcome or unwelcome figure, but nonetheless, that's how she'll probably be seen.

In this case, the child is, apparently, seeing her in the "unwelcome" category.

My partner and I worked very, very hard to build a relationship between me and the kids, before they were exposed to seeing any relationship between me and the father. So they in fact are eager to see me and wish I was around more.

Since you, and trust me, I understand how hard this is, have not quite set it up, you'll have to take a more direct approach to make your daughter comfortable. Fortunately, she's old enough to understand romantic relationships (or starting to be old enough to learn, at any rate). I think the best thing you could do is have all of you sit down and explain that daddy loves both of you, and that he is, whether or not the daughter sees it, meeting BOTH of your needs.

Then, maybe ask if she would like a little more time with just you and her father. And, at some point, sit down with her and say that SweetLady is an important part of the family and, ask your daughter directly, "How would you like to build a relationship with SweetLady? She'd very much like you and her to be friends." Could be met with resistance, but if your daughter is reassured that all is well and that the dad is not replacing you with a new mom, I think she'll be fairly open to developing a new relationship with SweetLady.

I would hope, that way, your daughter feels an active part of this, not having someone forced on her, and will feel better that her parents are in a strong, stable relationship. That this is about enhancing the family, not changing it. Right now, she's probably just scared. I think she probably just needs reassurance and explanation.
 
Emmy, how much does your daughter (and any other children involved) know about the relationship? Do they know that Bud and Sweet Lady *have* a relationship, or do they believe she's just a friend of the family that happens to be around a lot?

If you're comfortable telling your daughter (and the other kids if it seems appropriate) the truth about the relationship, that might ease her confusion and concerns. If she thinks Sweet Lady is just a friend of the family but sees the attention Bud pays to Sweet Lady, your daughter might wonder "Is Dad cheating on Mom?" If you reassure her that this is an acceptable relationship and that you and Bud--and Sweet Lady--have made certain agreements and arrangements, she will know that no one's being dishonest, and that there's no risk of you and her father divorcing so he can be with someone else.

Even though my 16-year-old hasn't been told the truth about my relationship with Guy, when Hubby and I initially chose to open the marriage, we did tell both kids (who were then 14 and 17) that we had decided sometimes we could go out with other friends without each other. Dating wasn't mentioned, nor was sex, but we wanted to make it clear to the kids--who had already gone through a somewhat nasty divorce between their father and me--that Hubby and I were not cheating on or lying to each other, and that there was no danger of us splitting up. We had just decided that "sometimes we wanted to spend time with other people, because sometimes when you spend too much time with your husband or wife, you get bored or fight a lot."

You don't have to go into all the details with your kids, but it might be good to sit them down and say that Sweet Lady is part of your and Bud's lives, and that all three of you have agreed and are okay with the situation.
 
Sweet Lady has been a friend of ours for a while (goes back 3-4 years at least) before there was ever any sort of romantic relationship. Plus she's been a neighbor for more than 10 years. When it seemed like things were heading in a romantic direction we introduced the idea to the kids. Our 12 year old said dating was eww gross but she liked Sweet Lady so it was ok. I'm not sure what changed but I'm going to talk with Bud and Sweet Lady later tonight when Sweet Lady gets here. We can read through the suggestions here to get our brains going with some ideas. Thank you everyone! I appreciate it. :)
 
I assume it would help to get a better idea where your 12-year-old is coming from: *why* she feels the way that she does.

When a child us unhappy about a poly situation, that's a serious problem. I want to suggest that you read the following thread:

Make a careful decision about whether the poly dynamic can be continued without damaging the child. Everyone's different and that goes for kids too.
 
How often is Sweet Lady at your home?

If it is everyday perhaps she should spend a day here or there at her own house.

Your daughter probably needs some family time without what she sees as an interloper. Perhaps she is worried her family is on shaky ground.

I have young kids 11 & 7 with Butch. I have family time with kids Butch and I. Then family time that is the kids Murf and I. I spend time solo with the kids as does Butch. Even Murf spends time solo with them. Then rarely we all go do something together. My youngest likes everyone at special events.

My kids were slowly introduced over a year to Murf being around more and more. He wasn't just invading their home turf.
 
Kids do get very possessive, and it's their right to be. You're only a kid for so long and it's important for the kids and the parents to take the time, make the memories and form the bonds that will shape their children as people for the rest of their lives. I would imagine that your daughter maybe isn't worried so much about the big picture (is dad leaving mom? is sweet lady trying to be my mom? what's going on with them?) but instead she is worried about herself. Truth be told, she probably isn't thinking about you guys at all, except in how it relates to HER. Sweet Lady probably isn't even the issue, she's just an easy target for the lonely feelings your daughter has because it is obvious to her when sweet lady is getting attention. Kids could hold that same resentment for anything that drew their dad's attention away from them (work, friends, hobbies, pets, etc). She is jealous of the amount of time she sees dad spend on sweet lady and wants that for herself. Since it isn't possible to focus all of his free time on his daughter, I would suggest that he make a good effort at making time just for her. Daddy/daughter dates are a good idea. She doesn't feel like she's getting the attention that she needs. If they had a specific time, place, or activity that was JUST FOR HER I bet that would really make her feel special.
 
I'm not Poly, and my oldest daughter (13) is pretty standoffish when it comes to having Chops around the house. She melted a little bit when I reassured her that he backs off *because* he doesn't want to interfere in our time together (I have the girls part-time after divorcing their dad), but she still feels he's around "a lot" and doesn't really interact with him much.

I would have to agree that it sounds like your daughter wants time with you and Bud, and maybe she feels that time is getting encroached on by Sweet Lady. It's one thing to enjoy the presence of a family friend; it's another for her to be around all the time, impacting day-to-day family life. ESPECIALLY at that age.
 
We're leaving Saturday morning to spend the weekend at my family's house. We're going horseback riding, celebrating a bday and catching up with people we haven't seen in a while. Sweet Lady isn't going to go so hopefully this will help our daughter feel a little better.
 
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