Why Can't I love both of them?

whatamIdoing

New member
well I can. But they can't handle it...

I love my DH
I love J

Both DH and J have said they love me and NEITHER wants to share.


damn it all to hell... I can do this and they can't.
 
It sounds like a clear case of choosing one or the other...or none.

Maybe it's time to try to look at this with pure logic.

Write it all down on paper. Two columns: One for each man. Write down the areas of your life they have influence in and the impact if they are no longer around.

One of them will have more impact. So "logically" one will be the choice...BUT...relationships defy logic quite often. Will you make a choice?

You are in the classic Hollywood situation; two men, one woman, one choice.
You are in two mono/poly relationships.
You have a "cowboy" in your midst as well. J, who doesn't want to share with your primary is a classic Cowboy...not a negative thing..just an observation.

Good luck my friend :eek:
 
Hmm... Neither wants to share.... So how does that work? Sounds frustratingly complex...and I wish you luck!


it's not easy right now.
I feel like stretch armstrong...

it's not working for DH and J well he's taking what we can get... and letting me lead the way... he wants someone to come home to and I can't be that person even IF I was not married to DH... we live in different states... I can't move... he won't move... so it's not even an option for us to be full time... at this point.

The truth is DH says to me that he will not ask me to give up J because he does not want to give up his "friend".... so I'm basically being an evil bitch and doing what I want.
 
It sounds like a clear case of choosing one or the other...or none.

Maybe it's time to try to look at this with pure logic.

Write it all down on paper. Two columns: One for each man. Write down the areas of your life they have influence in and the impact if they are no longer around.

One of them will have more impact. So "logically" one will be the choice...BUT...relationships defy logic quite often. Will you make a choice?

You are in the classic Hollywood situation; two men, one woman, one choice.
You are in two mono/poly relationships.
You have a "cowboy" in your midst as well. J, who doesn't want to share with your primary is a classic Cowboy...not a negative thing..just an observation.

Good luck my friend :eek:


ah if only it was Logical. I am NOT Spock... sadly.

I think I am going to let the choice be made. I am going to choose not to choose at this point.

J never set out to be a cowboy... DH never set out to be poly... I never thought I was but clearly I am... J I think if he had a primary he could to some extent do it....

thanks for the well wishes... I need all the help I can get.
 
UPDATE:

My DH moved out last night saying "you can't love two people" and I said

"I can and I do" DH said "well I can't"


J and I TRIED to explain this to him. J told him "I can easily understand how she can love two people I can love more than one..." so J clearly is on board with this. He and I are currently waiting to see what my DH does. WE are hoping he will come around... but he says I am ripping his heart out and killing him and he lost his marriage.

YET, he can't give up his lady friends and he called me a whore last night... and was screaming at me inches from my face. He's always been a bit dramatic and he's been manipulative... and I'm not backing down.

J is backing me. and we will continue on as a couple right now...

should my DH wish to return to OUR life, we will welcome him back and continue to seek a local partner for J to have should this occur... otherwise J and I will be just us for a while...
 
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! At least you have J to help you through this, but I know it's rough. Your hubby has flip-flopped back and forth so many times, maybe he will come around again. But such a roller-coaster for you!

Odd that you two were swingers before, and he's got another squeeze, but now he calls you a whore for loving another beside him. I've never understood the swinger mindset, but something is not getting through to him. I don't recall if he's in therapy, but it might help to start that, if he's not. Maybe it would help you, too.

I hope you and DH keep talking and trying to work it out. Has he ever come here to read this forum? Might also be helpful for him.

((((HUGS))))
 
Thank you Cindie.

I am in therapy. and it's not my first shot at it.
he just started on his own for the first time ever.

I see him now for being that manipulative, angry man that hates himself. I can't fix that.

I realize that while i did NOT leave DH FOR J... and had DH dealt with the situation I would have stayed with both... J has given me a strength to be brave enough to hopefully make the bad behavior stop.

I can now let them both know about this forum but i would prefer to move my blog.... so i have to figure out how to get that done.
 
I'm sorry that you're going through some rough stuff right now.

UPDATE:
My DH moved out last night saying "you can't love two people"
and I said "I can and I do"
DH said "well I can't"
This kind of thing is throwing my mind for a loop at the moment. I've seen it come up repeatedly...
I suppose I can understand why people project their own view's and opinions into their mates...at least until there's a big enough disagreement to finally come to the realization that no matter how close a couple is, they are not the same people.
This is a classic example...an not alone by any stretch....

But what get's me is that for all the importance that people have attached to the relationship with their mate, child, whomever, that they have so much trouble tearing away from the ideal that they would rather sacrifice their loved one...especially when the ideal isn't one that needs to affect them.

If a child comes out as homosexual/atheist/Habs Fan, how does a parent choose some abstract principle/church/Leafs over their blood? Especially when the child isn't asking the parent to BE homosexual/etc, just accept them and love them.

If a mate comes out as poly, and isn't necessarily asking the other spouse to follow suit, it baffles me that people can choose to cast aside a considerable portion of their lifetime so quickly...even if not easily. It shouldn't matter if he can't love more than one, if he still loves you. So much for the pipe dream.

I can understand the disbelief, the hurt, feelings of betrayal, jealousy, the threat of the unknown. I understand where they come from, and how they can make us all behave badly if we let them get the better of us.

But today I just can't fathom why people would chose that angst/anger/negativity over those that we love.

Food for thought...snack time.
 
Thanks for the post... not sure how to take it but I feel like the bad guy here.


I feel like the selfish one that I can't deny my feelings to keep my spouse happy.

Even my MIL who was told the WHOLE story by my DH sees my POV... and is not taking sides.

DH and I are talking a lot and trying to figure this out... I think he left because he wants some time to himself to figure out what or who he wants.

we profess to love each other and we do... so now I have to figure out how to cope with this.....

i've cried many tears in the last few days...

and to make it worse my stepdaughter (who i have raised for 8 years) has told me "you know what to do to get daddy back just do it"... and she has NO CLUE why I feel the way I do.

My husband says he can't be poly but he means I can't be poly and he wants his friends.... and that's not fair.
 
Thanks for the post... not sure how to take it but I feel like the bad guy here.
I hope it wasn't anything I said...I was mostly reflecting on the dialog in general. Not so much your specific circumstance.

My husband says he can't be poly but he means I can't be poly and he wants his friends.... and that's not fair.
That'd be more what I was looking at...and I'd agree....seems a little hypocritical doesn't it.
 
Maybe your husband just needs to be by himself for a little while and figure things out. It's probably a good thing for you two to have a break from each other. Try not to feel as though the rest of your life has to be decided this weekend. Give things a chance to work themselves out. It's hard to see how things could do that when you're in the middle of it all. Don't make any decisions that you can't take back during this time.
 
Maybe your husband just needs to be by himself for a little while and figure things out. It's probably a good thing for you two to have a break from each other. Try not to feel as though the rest of your life has to be decided this weekend. Give things a chance to work themselves out. It's hard to see how things could do that when you're in the middle of it all. Don't make any decisions that you can't take back during this time.

that's what I'm hoping and what he thinks. thankfully he can stay at his folks house at least through april alone to figure out things... we are talking often

we've set up tuesday lunch dates so we can talk and work on the marriage.

he's offered to stay with my dogs when i go to visit J which is above and beyond the call of duty in my eyes... but I appreciate it....

my daughter and i had it out this morning so she and he bf packed up and left as well... now it's just me for a while....

my entire life since thursday has changed.

I'm currently separated. (while my state does not allow legal separations we are apart)
i am currently childless

i now have a Long Distance boyfriend...

and to Mono... I owe you an apology... it's rather clear now to me (and it was to DH all along) that J is a Cowboy.. the minute DH was out of the house he ramped up his behavior and declared us a couple....
 
it's rather clear now to me (and it was to DH all along) that J is a Cowboy.. the minute DH was out of the house he ramped up his behavior and declared us a couple....

But you are a couple, aren't you? You're in two couples, one with DH and one with J. Why does his having said that make him a cowboy? (he may be for other reasons, though)
 
But you are a couple, aren't you? You're in two couples, one with DH and one with J. Why does his having said that make him a cowboy? (he may be for other reasons, though)

J is lonely and has no primary. the best I could do for him as a married woman long distance was be there part time and not be available to him full time as needed. He knew this and part of our goal was to find him a primary. As things with DH deteriorated J ramped up his behavior (seeking me out more and more impinging on my time at home, pushing B to the edge with his declarations "N and I are together; at least part time" and "we care about each other") the hot second B left the house, J immediately added all our mutual friends to his skype account.. started talking about coming down here, taking me to the group events we go to as his partner not as B's partner... the instantaneous feeling of "now you are my responsibility and I get to take care of you" was overwhelming.

he immediately contacted (with my knowledge) my best friend and said "well since YOU are local I need you to help me take care of her and make sure she eats enough".... (with my WLS I tend to eat very little and my weight is dropping too low)

his comments to me are "i need to make lists of your friends and family so I can learn them, they are now part of my life too" tells me he just was waiting to have a "real life" with me... not just be on the fringes of my life...

his comment to me about what he did in January the whole spontaneous "get your ass up here saturday night please" statement was "i knew I was going to lose you and I could not risk that, I knew what I was doing" goes along with the comments about "i knew there would be strings attached, there are always strings attached, I knew it from the beginning"... and then he admitted he loved me.... that was because he knew B has always said "i will step aside for him if he ever says he loves you"... he took advantage of B's inability to love himself...
 
oh dear whatamIdoing...:(


i know.

thanks.

I feel like all if it is my fault... and it's NOT.... but I still feel that way...

I feel hammered and beaten... and yet strangely relieved.

sadly most of our (mine and B's) close friends know J and think I'm the evil one here... why can't I give J up and make B happy.... like a knife in my heart.
 
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