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Old 09-05-2014, 12:43 AM
Savedbygrace Savedbygrace is offline
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 25

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
How selfish of you to DEMAND that someone who is in a romantic relationship with you want to have sex with you! How dare you DENY them the ability to not have sex with you!!

Kidding aside, this whole 'selfish' thing can quite literally be thrown at every preference every person has. I don't see it as adding any value to a discussion.

Again, this is a monogamous problem. I am polyamorous and therefore do not demand that everyone I am romantic with sate my needs exactly according to my formula. You and I have gone round and round about this before so I'm just saying it out loud one last time for the lurkers.

Polyamory allows more flexibility in this regard. People are wonderfully varied and I have the opportunity to sample from them what they would like to offer me. I do not control what they offer me nor make demands on them, I just enjoy what they instinctively give. Should I feel that something in particular is lacking in my life I am free to seek it elsewhere while still enjoying what my other partners offer me freely and naturally.

If I have a hard limit for what a person must offer me in order for me to enjoy them then that is MY limitation... not theirs.

Her vagina is a trophy now because she doesn't offer it up? I hope the OP has enough sense to ignore this sex-negative garbage.
Just wanted to say that I like what you said. All three points

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Old 09-07-2014, 01:18 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,736

Re (from OP):
"I'll cut to the chase. I'm a virgin. One major part of polyamory seems to be the sex, and many of the websites I've been to assumed sex would be a part of any polyamorous relationship."
Well FWIW, when I define polyamory nowadays, I use the word "romantic" but I intentionally avoid using the word "sex."

"Is sex presumed in the polyamory community?"
Oh I suppose it depends what part of the community you ask. The prevailing theme on Polyamory.com seems to be that sex is not presumed.

"Is it a turn-off to find potential partners and discover they're virgins?"
A turn-off to whom? I don't think I'd consider it a turn-off.

"Would it be awkward to date a virgin and have other partners that are sexually available?"
I don't know why it'd be awkward. We're all virgins at birth; I don't think there's any special rule about when/whether we should stop being virgins.

Would I personally like to have *no* partners whom I had sex with? Well I don't need sex often, but I do still want it. Luckily with polyamory some people can be together who otherwise wouldn't make a good match.

Would I personally like to have no partners who'd have sex with me before several years of total trust development? That would be fine.

Re (from Marcus):
"Just so I'm clear, because I'm sex-positive, how long do I need to wait before I start calling my new girlfriend unreasonably selfish and shame her into having sex with me if she doesn't offer it up? Should I tell her she's being childish and using her vagina as a trophy on our first date? I just want to make sure I'm doing it according to the rules."

"Wait wait, it's only our first date ..."

"Oh. You're one of those sex-negative vagina-trophy types. I see."
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 09-09-2014, 02:38 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 2,034

Disclaimer: I haven't read this thread all the way through recently, although I have read it piecemeal as it, and the replies, were posted.

Since early in my sexual escapades I have had a "no virgins" rule. Why? Two reasons: I had sex with a virgin once and it was disappointing (for the record - I did NOT have sex with a virgin once that is one of the main regrets of my life) AND it was my experience that virgins tended to place a HIGH priority on that experience, to the point at which the imbued it with WAY more significance than I did. Emotional entanglements were something that I was seeking to avoid...and I never wanted to be someone's first introduction to sex...in case it ended badly.

At this point in my life, I don't think that I would be interested in being with anyone who didn't have some degree of sexual experience. I'm 40 years old and can't imagine that anyone interested in me wouldn't have had some experience by this time! I don't mind being someone's "first" something (first girl/girl, first poly, first threesome) but first "anything" is too much responsibility for me. I don't want to see anyone hurt.
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-always-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (26+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (8+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 09-09-2014, 01:41 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 2,025

Polyamory isn't necessarily about sex. It's about love. Sometimes love includes sex. Sometimes not.

As for the "no sex on the first date" thing (which I know is somewhat off-topic, but it was mentioned)... that's one of my personal peeves. I belong to AdultFriendFinder, which bills itself as a "sex dating site." I met Hubby, Guy, S2, and Best Friend, along with a number of other platonic friends, there.

I know a group of women in the chat room for my geographic area who insist on a man taking them out for three dates before they'll consent to any type of sexual activity with them. None of them have ever been able to explain to me why it has to be three dates. Apparently they think if a guy takes them out three times without fucking them, it means he respects them and will stick around, or something. And they're very vocal about looking down on women who have sex with a guy on the first date, or without actually having a date.

To me... aside from three being a completely arbitrary number, what difference does it make? Full TMI disclosure: I had sex with Hubby the night we met; I'd encountered him in the AFF chat room a few times but didn't really know him until that night. I had sex with Guy the night we met, and I hadn't even seen him in chat, so knew nothing about him. And I had sex with S2 after our first date, after about 3 weeks of conversations via email.

I wanted to have sex with each of them, so what would have been the point of imposing some arbitrary number of dates on them and myself? And all three of them respect me and so far have stuck around...

By the same token, though, if someone does choose to wait a certain amount of time before having sex, or chooses not to have sex at all, or is asexual, or whatever... that's their business. They have as much right to make that decision as I have to make the decisions I make.

If you aren't ready to have sex with another person, you'll find people who can accept and respect that choice. If you're asexual, you'll find people who accept that. Whether it's a poly or mono situation, if someone cares about *you*, they'll care about what you need from them.
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asexuality, dating, polyamory, sex, trust, virgin, virginity

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