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Old 01-11-2018, 10:10 AM
Kerbear321 Kerbear321 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Exclamation This is quite strange (Needing Advice)

So, I'm currently in a loving and great relationship. A few months ago, I got out of a relationship with my partner of 7 years. He didn't want a baby or marriage and I did. Now, I'm with someone who wants these things.

What's my problem, you ask? Well, I'm in love with them both. Me and my ex still talk as if we'd never broken up (He knows about my current partner) and my relationship with my partner is lovely. My ex admits that he's slightly jealous but he's getting over it and my current partner knows I still love my ex. I love them for the men they are. They both make me happy in various ways.

I don't know what to do. I'm coming to terms with my polyandrous nature and it frightens me. It frightens me because I'm afraid of scaring my current partner off but, I am also afraid of living a lie. I don't know what I should do...

Can someone give me insight? Has this ever happened to anyone?
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Old 01-11-2018, 01:42 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 726

Hi, Kerbear.

Other than some fear that you'll drive your current partner away, what exactly do you see as the actual problem here?

On the surface of it, you seem to have found love with two different men, and, for all intents and purposes, they both seem to be dealing with the situation reasonably well (so far?)

Are either of them making undue demands on you? Trying to "cowboy" you away from the other? You said your ex is somewhat jealous, but has your current partner expressed any misgivings about the fact that you are still talking to or seeing your "ex"?

Unless I missed it, you don't specify whether you and your ex partner still have a physical relationship. If so, does your current partner know ?

Your situation sounds like it may potentially work out as a polyamorous "V" type situation, though you also don't specify if any of the three people involved identified as polyamorous prior to the events that led to you loving two men simultaneously.

I think you need to do some reading/research on the topic... browse the forum... think deeply about what you want, rather than just who you want. Find out what it is your partner/s want from life and their relationship/s with you. Clearly, your ex did NOT want marriage and babies. He made his choice there, and subsequently, you made yours. However, IF he still loves you (and you, him) and can deal with you having another partner who is cool with you also seeing him, perhaps in a secondary role(?), there doesn't seem to be any reason you all couldn't come to an arrangement that works for all concerned.
Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
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Old 01-11-2018, 02:42 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 333

If it's only been a few months since you and your ex broke up, I can see where there's an issue. That's not very much time apart (if you're even really apart) after a 7 year relationship.

I would suggest a conversation with the new boyfriend with two levels.
1) can he accept a very close friendship between you and your ex?
You need to decide ahead of time what happens if he says no. Generally any time someone prevents you seeing someone you care about, it sets off red flags, but in this case I can understand why that kind of a relationship could be threatening. It could be a situation where you should take a time out and revisit the situation in six-twelve months.

2) if he reacts positively, what are his feelings about polyamory? This does not mean you want to rekindle a sexual relationship with the ex at this time. You do not fix one relationship by adding another. If you want the new one, you need to work on that and then figure out the old one.

Once you feel the new relationship is secure, you can then explore adding.
Me: 44 straight male in a V with
Kay - mono female - married 21 years
Txgirl - 3 year relationship
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Old 01-11-2018, 07:10 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
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Hello Kerbear321,

I am thinking that at some point, you will want to ask your current partner if he would be okay with you having two romantic relationships, one with him and one with your now-ex. But before you get to that point, spend some time learning about polyamory and see if you definitely want to practice polyamory in your life. This forum is a good foundation for that, so keep reading and posting here. If you'll keep us posted on your evolving situation, it will help us know what further advice/input to give you.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 01-13-2018, 02:02 AM
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Refusnik Refusnik is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Colorado Plateau
Posts: 66

Originally Posted by Kerbear321 View Post
I don't know what to do. I'm coming to terms with my polyandrous nature and it frightens me. It frightens me because I'm afraid of scaring my current partner off but, I am also afraid of living a lie. I don't know what I should do...
Maybe rather than wondering about what you should do, ask yourself what do you want? Start with a simple question for yourself- what's your ideal outcome in this situation?

Refusnik- me, poly and non-monogamous with

Lemon- my spouse
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Old 01-18-2018, 05:44 PM
txgirl txgirl is offline
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 23

I am confused. Please correct me, if I am wrong?

Your 7 year ex-partner and you are not together anymore.
Your 7 year ex-partner and you and him are still friends.
Your new partner wants the same things as you do (marriage/children).

Are you wanting to get back in a relationship other than just friends with your 7 year ex-partner?
Are you worried that your new partner will not accept the ex, if you get back together?

What is it you are wanting advice on?
39 year old female
In a V with Nox for 2 years.
Kay: meta (wife of Nox).
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Old 01-20-2018, 07:42 PM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: India
Posts: 507

Have an honest talk with your current partner about poly and find out if he is ok with the idea. It sounds like you haven't had the conversation and he's already somewhat jealous.

If he is ok with it, sounds like you're good to go.

If he isn't, you need to make a choice - what matters more? Poly or your current partner? If it is poly, you need to let your current partner go. If it is your current partner, you need to stop all entanglement with your ex while you are still interested in him as a partner.

Otherwise you're headed for a cheating situation which won't end well for anyone. Continuing contact with someone you are attracted to, but can't be with ethically is bad news. Particularly when you both are attracted and have already been intimate.
Living in and in a sexual relationship with asexual. panromantic Spexy.

Blog: Anamikanon and Spexy
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Old 01-25-2018, 01:44 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,116

I don't know what to do.
What do you think needs doing?

At this time, you are with your new partner who wants kids and marriage like you do.

You seem on good terms with your ex. You care about them both.

I'm coming to terms with my polyandrous nature and it frightens me. It frightens me because I'm afraid of scaring my current partner off but, I am also afraid of living a lie. I don't know what I should do...
How are you living a lie?

Does your current partner know you are poly? Are you happy in the relationship model you are practicing together?

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