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  #11  
Old 11-26-2017, 11:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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On one hand I feel like things are going way too fast and I kind of want it to slow down. On the other hand, I remember I felt like this when GF#2 came into our lives, and that has turned out really well. Since considering this major change in our lives, my attraction to my ex has multiplied. I know it is mostly hormones, but I am incredibly driven toward this choice.
Could slow down then. You loved him this many years it doesn't sound like slowing down would change the love or change anything about your life -- he's already a close part of it.

It would also let the hormones chill out.

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At this point, Iím thinking that joining our households together is going to happen eventually, it is just a matter of figuring out timeframe, boundaries, and logistics. I certainly donít want to rush.
Then let it take the time it needs to take and do not rush.

Galagirl
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  #12  
Old 11-27-2017, 12:22 AM
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Hi majormerrick,

Keep in mind that I don't have much respect for religion as a whole. So I don't have a problem with you joining that church for whatever reasons, I'm not concerned about that maybe tainting the church. On the other hand, you have to live with the person you see in the mirror, so you might want to give some (more) thought to how you would feel about yourself if you professed a belief falsely. If you can live with yourself in that scenario, then I say you have the green light to proceed. In a way it's better to "belong" to a church and not believe, than it is do belong and believe. That's how I feel about belief, but then, I am a total unbeliever.

But I'm not sure any of that really matters. From what you say here so far, I think that on some level, you have already decided. You're just kind of going through the motions giving your doubts a nod. You love your ex, and you are willing to do what you have to do to be with him. That's a decision that you've already made, even if not consciously. And you are certainly within your rights to make/follow that decision. I just mean that to some extent this thread is an exercise, with regard to what you'll do. The most you can get out of this thread is an opportunity to sort/organize your thoughts. Which is certainly worth something ... but it doesn't change your decision.

Perhaps the next step is to figure out what your life will look like in the future. It sounds (to me) like this particular church will exert a lot of control over your life in great detail. You need to think about how you are going to retain your sense of identity in the midst of all that control. Will you be able to separate yourself from the church to some extent? If not, how will you cope? Again, all you have to worry about is the person in the mirror. I'm not concerned about the welfare of the church.

For what it's worth, I'll vote in support of you regardless.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #13  
Old 11-27-2017, 03:49 AM
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majormerrick majormerrick is offline
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Well, the whole thing just got real today. My girls (sneaky, devious, adorable little things) have been in on this for a while. When I woke up this morning, I was cuddled up in his arms with my girls laying next to me, and his girls there too. He had the box with the ring he gave me years ago, and he proposed to me

Of course, I said yes, even though I would have preferred a bit more time. Then again, time wouldn't have changed my answer. Since I am not a virgin, our engagement will last 40 days (more like 42-ish), and then I'll have to go through the marriage rituals. I'm happy and really scared all at the same time. My GF#1 is visibly relieved, since she's in love with his first wife and hasn't been able to fully express herself about it. Watching her happiness is totally precious.

I've thought it through, and while I can live with the added issues of the church, I can't live without him. I think the trick is going to be to adapt to my new duties, join our houses, and do my best to learn to love the other girls. His second wife is a lot like my GF#2 - quiet, simple, and easygoing. His first wife is a diva, and somewhat neurotic. I like her, but she is *extremely* high maintenance. This is going to be an adventure.
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  #14  
Old 11-27-2017, 02:37 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Good luck majormerrick.

Look, of course you can live without him. You are choosing not to. Be conscious about the decisions you are making.

I really hope you have not been suckered into this out of wanting to please him and your other partners. You are agreeing to never be fully authentic with him or with the religious community you have decided to join. Thatís not something I could stomach. But I am not you and I hope your new life goes well.
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  #15  
Old 11-28-2017, 06:11 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Pretty much textbook groupthink.
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a psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an irrational or dysfunctional decision-making outcome. Group members try to minimize conflict and reach a consensus decision without critical evaluation of alternative viewpoints by actively suppressing dissenting viewpoints, and by isolating themselves from outside influences.
You're being love bombed,
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an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection. ... Critics of cults use the phrase with the implication that the "love" is feigned and that the practice is psychological manipulation in order to create a feeling of unity within the group against a society perceived as hostile.

The expression has been used to describe the tactics used by pimps and gang members to control their victims, as well as to describe the behavior of an abusive narcissist who tries to win the confidence of a victim. Modern social media can intensify the effect of love bombing since it enables the abuser with nearly constant contact and communication with the victim.

One of the signs of love bombing in the start of a relationship is much attention in a short time, and pressure for very rapid commitment. It is often the first sign of narcissism, and if successful turns to control and degradation. Psychologist Dale Archer ... advises: "Stop, Look, and Listen" to avoid love bombing, and to break off contact with the abuser, if possible, and seek support from family and friends.
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  #16  
Old 11-28-2017, 12:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Of course, I said yes, even though I would have preferred a bit more time.
You do have time. Your engagement can be as long as you want.

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I've thought it through, and while I can live with the added issues of the church, I can't live without him.
You've been living without him as a husband for many years. It's not that you cannot live without him. It's that you choose to change things now.

I wouldn't get married like this myself, but you seem to have made up your mind. I hope things go well.

GL!
Galagirl
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  #17  
Old 12-01-2017, 01:06 AM
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majormerrick majormerrick is offline
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Well, groupthink or lovebombing or whatever, Iím definitely on my way to getting married. Actually, now that Iíve had a few days for it to sink it, Iím feeling really, really, happy. I initially felt like things were going too fastÖ now I canít wait for the 40 days to be over. It actually doesnít feel like a 40 day engagement, more like a 15 year engagement. Long enough, I think. The engagement is definitely difficult for me. Iím expected to cross my legs and wait for the marriage to be intimate with my fiancť, but my girls have both already bedded their favorite counterparts. Wife #1 is being especially sweet to me, and I can tell that she is trying really hard to make me feel welcome. The anticipation of family life is helping me overcome my anxiety about the logistics of moving in, selling my house, and adjusting to a whole lot more people around me.
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  #18  
Old 12-01-2017, 09:02 PM
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It sounds like you are ready for this marriage. You will be entering an intense community life, but actually you're looking forward to it. Use the next 40 days, as much as you can, to anticipate the bumps in the road, and decide how you'll roll over them. And keep us posted, if you're willing, as things evolve.
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  #19  
Old 12-02-2017, 06:30 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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I refuse to support authoritarian polygamy, much less to further the notion that the practice has ANYTHING to do with polyamory.

There have been organized attempts to paint polygamy as a sort of ur-polyamory, therefore somehow "mostly the same thing." Half a year ago, the Wikipedia entry for "Polyamory" had a chunk deleted that attempted to reframe polyamory as "modern polyamory" or "egalitarian polyamory" with the clear implication that it was somehow a dumbed-down version of polygamy, & are all sorts of kissy-kissy --
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[P]olygamy advocacy groups and activists and egalitarian polyamory advocacy groups and activists can and do work together cooperatively. In addition, the two sub-communities have many common issues (poly parenting, dealing with jealousy, legal and social discrimination, etc.), the discussion and resolution of which are of equal interest to both sub-communities, regardless of any cultural differences that may exist. Moreover, there is considerable cultural diversity within both sub-communities.
IMNSHO, though anyone is free to join a cult if that's what (they believe) they really want to do, the practice is not consonant with polyamory, & these forums are NOT a place to romanticize harem-building.
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  #20  
Old 12-07-2017, 10:05 PM
Rockit49 Rockit49 is offline
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Red face Whaaa

Setting aside your core beliefs (understanding of nature)
For the love of a man! Who's core beliefs begin with oppression ... Sure, lasting heavenly bliss to all!! Cheers y'all
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