I don't how to do this

Reptigal

New member
Hi,

I've come here seeking help and advice. I'm a 23 yr old woman. I've been in a mono relationship with my fiance for 4 years. 4 months ago we met a young woman while traveling to a concert who was looking for a ride. We all hit it off and I thought she'd be a great friend. Then a few weeks later my fiance tells me he's attracted to her and want to have a threesome with her. I was hesitant. I like her but I'm not attracted to her.

Then just recently he tells me he wants to have a relationship with her and have her be a girlfriend. He wants her to be "our" gf. This has completely come out from left field for me. He's always touted monogamy as being the utmost important thing in a relationship and now he's changed on me.

I'm confused, hurt and feel like I'm coming apart. I can't stop crying and I feel lower than dirt. I love him, I've given him everything. He saved me from a terrible relationship and has helped me deal with past abuses I dealt with. I was fully prepared for a mono relationship with him and now I feel like I'm about to lose everything I've known and held dear.

I don't know if I can give him what he wants. I don't want to lose more time with him. He spends hours with this girl working on music and chatting online and I feel like I'm competing for him. For his attention. I just don't to do. I don't who to talk to. I feel I can't talk to our family or friends and I feel isolated and alone.

Please somebody help me. I need help to save my relationship.
 
In my opinion you should not do anything for him. You owe him nothing. Its time to stand on your own two feet I think. He helped you through a hard time and that was a great gift, you can appreciate that, but now its time to change it up it seems. You are your own person, so what's next for you?

You don't have to accept non-monogamy. You are fully entitled to be monogamous. You are best as yourself. He is pushing that. That's fine, but its time to figure out where you are at with him, with yourself and your future.

So he has asked for a relationship with this woman and to have it be between the three of you. You say you aren't interested. Okay, so that's out, tell him that first I think. Secondly he wants to have this woman be his girlfriend, okay, where are you at with that? Could you accept that with certain time constraints in place? A balance that is more suitable than you have now? What are your requests with that?

If you find all this unacceptable, that is fine, but sit on it a bit, do some searches here, educate yourself and ask him to slow down so that you might catch up. Consider all your options for YOU and then start laying all your thoughts out for him. He gets to do that too and so negotiation begins. Later she gets her say and you can cross that bridge when you get to it. He might have an idea already. This is what has worked for me in the past anyway... and others.

He might of said he is mono all the way, but things change. Everything is fluid and time moves on. Should he of been so certain? Probably not, but he likely was at the time, now he's not. I suggest cutting him some slack and moving forward rather than dwelling on what once was.
 
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In my opinion you should not do anything for him. You owe him nothing. Its time to stand on your own two feet I think. He helped you through a hard time and that was a great gift, you can appreciate that, but now its time to change it up it seems. You are your own person, so what's next for you?

You don't have to accept non-monogamy. You are fully intitled to be monogamous. You are best as yourself. He is pushing that. That's fine, but its time to figure out where you are at with him, with yourself and your future.

.

This :)
 
Wow, it sure sounds to someone who doesn't know anything else about your guy or your relationship in general that he thought he was mono, has recently discovered he might not be, and thinks it will be a little less like cheating if he brings her into your bed. Although I realize this might be very common for people just starting on the path of non-monogamy, to me it seems disrespectful as hell.

Most relationships end up blurring the lines between me and you a bit. But this is his discovery, his project, and that doesn't mean you have to get along the bandwagon with him.
 
Wow, Reptigal, I am sure you are just reeling and your emotional pain is thru the roof! Many hugs.

Did you and your fiance have a date set for the wedding? Is it possible he is having cold feet around that? I assume he is close in age to you?

Now as for this new OW in your life, he has gone about this very badly. Sure, he'd love a hot 3way sex scene with his gf and his new crush. That's the most common male fantasy out there. Unfortunately the reality is rarely as nice as the fantasy, unless you are an experience swinger with lots of boundaries in place.

Is the new girl also interested in a 3way sex scene, or actual emotional/sexual relationship with YOU? If you're not bi, and yr bf knows you're not bi, it's stupid of him to suggest this arrangement.

It's also quite rude of him to just get infatuated, announce it to you, and then spend tons of hours with the new girl, as you stagger around and have your entire world rocked.

Most mono couples that succeed at opening their relationships take things very slowly, at the reluctant partner's pace. Your bf needs to stop thinking with his dick and have a reality check. This isnt poly (yet), it's basically cheating with a little nice language tacked on.
 
.... he thought he was mono, has recently discovered he might not be, and thinks it will be a little less like cheating if he brings her into your bed.

....... very common for people just starting on the path of non-monogamy

Most relationships end up blurring the lines between me and you a bit..
Agreeing here. Very common theme... I don't want to cheat, so why don't we share. I did this once with my ex wife and PN... ended in a tragic mess.

Monogamy seems to breed co-dependence in relationships and when a couple is merged with each other so that there are no lines defining where one person is and the other it gets tricky when one person wants to break away from that.

I don't mean to say that being bonded is bad... connection, bond, considering ones partner, planning and doing things together is not bad... but then that is not co-dependent as far as I know it. Co-dependent is when one person cannot move without the other coming along too. Can't take a shit without the other knowing about it and being right by their side.

There is a healthy line between one person and the next that I think needs respecting. It means one can have ownership over themselves, not others. They can own their feelings, actions and desires... your man doesn't seem to be doing this and it makes me think that the two of you are a bit co-dependent. Perhaps a lot?

This will take some separating out to determine what is his and what is yours and what you are willing to share. Having been through this before, emotions aside, what is shared is time together. Boundaries can be created for that quite easily, but it means that everyone has to be on board with having their own life, goals, hobbies, whatever... his is this woman right now. Yours is what? reading, self help, crocheting, school work? This is what needs determining... once you have something of your own to grasp on to, the time he spends with her is not as hard to swallow... eventually you might even look forward to when he is not around so you can get on to your own stuff... all the while looking forward to the date you have planned with him for later.

When a partner decides they are poly and goes ahead and NRE's all over the place it can be a slap in the face of their established partner because they are used to a certain amount of attention and time. Or they are co-dependent. That feeling is one of devastation when the partner pulls away to be with another. That feeling to me is a sign that I need to look at my own life as mine is too wrapped up in what they are doing.

There is nothing wrong with being wrapped up. Nothing at all. Monogamous couples do just fine this way and some poly vees and triads... the point is to adjust to being wrapped up in other things too and find a balance between being wrapped up in a partner and ones own interests.
 
It's also quite rude of him to just get infatuated, announce it to you, and then spend tons of hours with the new girl, as you stagger around and have your entire world rocked.

I agree with this. ^

What occurred to me while reading your post is that this woman might have been working on your husband to influence him in a way that would make him want her and move apart from you. But he's fighting that and saying, "can I have you both?" Possibly it's not really what he wants (being with her), but she's done her thing to him. The red flag for me is all the time they spend together and chatting online. If she was really a friend of you both and respected his monogamous relationship with you, she would curtail those activities with just him. When I was married, my husband and I called women like that "Splitters," as in "Relationship Splitter," a term used by some people who lead workshops on relationships that I used to attend.

In poly, they call women like that "cowgirls," 'cause they want to move the guy away from his other relationships and have him to herself, like taking a steer away from the herd.

A Splitter is often someone who is very self-centered in wanting all the love they can get directed their way. As kids, they were often the ones who would wriggle between their parents when they saw them kissing. As grown-ups, they often find themselves befriending married monogamous people and then throw up their hands when the spouse gets upset and say, "We're just friends!" But there are subtle ways they work their voodoo. Sometimes women like that are not consciously aware of these patterns of behavior they have, and wonder why they get into this kind of situation over and over again, and only have male friends because women don't trust them around their mates.

Your fiance may just be under her spell, and I think stepping back and not seeing her for a while will help him sort out his feelings and see if he may have been played by a woman like that. He might just be thinking with his penis.

He certainly has a responsibility to you and your relationship. Everything you wrote in your first post are very valid things you could say to him. You might ask him to also come and register here and read this thread. Be strong. So sorry you're hurting! And welcome to the forum.
 
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I just to thank everyone for being so nice. I feel that I should clear a few things up as when I wrote my original post I was very emotional and may have left dome important deets out.

The good news is we are communicating about the situation. I've made my feelings known and that I need more time with him because I feel I'm being shoved away.

A few quick things...
1. we are 2 year apart in age. I'm 23 he's about to turn 25.
2. We are engaged but have no wedding date set because we are in the process of saving money so we can have the wedding we want.
3. We work opposite hours. He works 8-5 and I work 2 part time jobs in the evenings and on weekends. (which has caused some issues)
4. He's in a band with this other girl, they have to communicate as part of their music
5. I'm not bi...but I have found myself attracted to the occasional woman...and would fool around with another woman if I found her attractive

I sat my fiancee down to talk about this whole thing because I couldn't stand feeling like shit. I explained my fears of him leaving me (and yes I do think I'm co-dependent in some areas). He insisted we wants to be with me and loves me and wants to marry me. He said he doesn't understand why he feels this way about this girl and apologized for putting me in this situation. I explained that I have doubts about this girl and am having trouble trusting them. He says she claims that if he left me for her she wouldn't take him (which I'm a little skeptical about) but I'm trying to give HIM the opportunity to prove to me he's being honest.

He's agreed to make more time for me and once we get out of the hockey season (which is taking away must of our time together because I have to be at work to broadcast the NHL games) we will take the time to get out together and make up the time. I've requested he slow down with this other girl. That I need time to think this through and a chance to educate myself.

I'm still uncomfortable about some of this. I feel bad that I secretly hope that by not agreeing to him being allowed to "date" her eventually the feeling will die down. I know that's wrong and manipulative and I don't want to be like that. I wouldn't mind their communication so much if it was only when I was at work or at skating lessons, but it happens even when I'm home and I think that is having more of an effect on me.

Once again thanks for all your kindness and understanding and for not judging me harshly.
 
my two cents

From your last post, I would think it within your right to ask him to set aside specific times for when he does 'band stuff' when you are around .... and that the rest of the time is YOURS... no interruptions from this girl during your time.. at least for now while you are adjusting...

Another option would be for you to take an interest and join in with the 'band stuff'... and again I would stipulate that non-band time is to have no interruptions from this girl... for now...
 
Is there a way we can make this work?

I'm a mono and I know it. I want both of us to be happy. I'm not ready to just walk away from this relationship. It's not just about him and me, our families are close. They have all bounded, we've become one big family. I'm really afraid what other family members would say if they found out.

I want to know how we can start slow. What do we do? What restrictions am I reasonably allowed to set right now?

If I let him escort her to events she doesn't want to go to alone, albeit they don't have sex is that unfair. Am I allowed to say right now they are not allowed to kiss? Should I confront her about hogging up all his time? Should I talk to her in person about it?

I want us to try and work this out. I don't think just walking away is right, and would be a huge mistake if we didn't try to work it out.

How slow is too slow?

Sorry I know I'm bombarding you all with questions. I just really need to be able to talk to somebody...and here feels safe.
 
I'm really afraid what other family members would say if they found out.

Often in situations like yours, family will side up with the partner they see as the underdog. In your case, that would be you, the partner who's not poly. Having the family gang up on one or the other can really mess up relationships, so you are reasonable to feel afraid of it getting out at this point when everything is still very new. However, people in general want their loved ones to be happy. If you make sure that you are happy in the relationship, that is bound to reflect on your family, if and when you choose to disclose your situation to them.

I want to know how we can start slow. What do we do? What restrictions am I reasonably allowed to set right now?

Communicate, communicate, sleep, communicate some more, cry, communicate, go to work, continue communicating.

You are allowed as many restrictions you want right now. You must also understand that your partner might have hard time keeping to them. But I think it is reasonable to ask them both to slow down enough so you can get on the same page, and to be honest.

If I let him escort her to events she doesn't want to go to alone, albeit they don't have sex is that unfair. Am I allowed to say right now they are not allowed to kiss? Should I confront her about hogging up all his time? Should I talk to her in person about it?

No. Yes. Yes. Definitely yes! Please remember you are allowed the things you feel and ask for the time you need. The more time they spend together, the more likely it is that some restrictions will be tip-toed around and maybe broken. It's imperative you talk to this girl about how you feel. She might only be getting her info from your partner, and needs to hear how you feel and why you feel that some things, like constant online chatting, are corrosive to your situation atm.

How slow is too slow?

There is no such thing as too slow.
 
Is there a way we can make this work?

Others have done it, there is always a way, it's just a matter of what each or you are willing to do to make it work. Spend some time (days/weeks :p) reading in the "General" section and the "Lifes Stories/Blogs" section.

I want to know how we can start slow. What do we do? What restrictions am I reasonably allowed to set right now?

Do a tag search on boundries and look through the threads posted in the "Golden Nuggets" section. There is a lot of discussion on these topics and it does help to see what others have done and what tends to work and not work.

How slow is too slow?

This is another topic that comes up alot, look for the threads. Sorry don't know the "tag" for this one (RP would :D). The consensus seems to be to set timelines on how long your allowed to stay in certain holding patterns.

There is no such thing as too slow.

Yes there is. It's not uncommon for people to use going slow as a tactic to stall all progress, hense the need for deadlines for each step.
 
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A little pessimistic here..sorry.

I don't know when you are going to get married but might I suggest a very long engagement; at least until you see how you deal if this other relationship does happen.

I'm also a bit sceptical when people who all of a sudden feel polyamorous because they fall in love or want to have sex with another person. Sometimes people actually lose connection with their partner but don't have the strength to deal with it…that's what happened for me. Poly can be wonderful but it can also be used as trendy cover to mask some pretty basic human behaviour.

Be careful...think about all aspects of your future and definitely ask both of them very hard questions. You're talking about getting married; marriage sets couples apart in a very integrated way. Would this other woman be ok with that? Will you be ok telling your bridesmaids about your husband's girlfriend?

Protect your heart, be understanding that this could be very real for your fiancé and think further down the road. You obviously want a long future with this man so looking long term is highly recommended.
 
OK. Gosh. So you're both quite young, being responsible, planning to get married as soon as you can afford it.

You're working hard at jobs on different shifts, to save up for the wedding of your dreams. Then Miss Rock and Roller steps into the picture, joins your bf's band, gets to see him at practice, and then they both also choose to spend online time together during the rare time you and your bf have together.

This is not polyamory, this is your bf getting tired of acting like an adult and wanting to have a bit of fun on the side.

If it were me, I'd request he stop all online communication with her unless it's the simplest thing like when the band is going to meet. No dates, no kissing, no talking to her when it's one of the rare times you and he have together. You 2 need to talk, and have dates, and make time for good sex, and all the other stuff you did back when you were first falling in love. If he can't or won't agree to this, he probably doesn't want to get married. He doesn't deserve your trust and commitment.

Good luck!
 
The good news is we are communicating about the situation. I've made my feelings known and that I need more time with him because I feel I'm being shoved away.

Yes, that is a good start in the right direction.

He said he doesn't understand why he feels this way about this girl . . .

Eh, it's just chemicals (from the vibe she's directing his way). He's letting himself get carried away - perhaps getting scared of the bigger event that is looming - marriage?

I've requested he slow down with this other girl. That I need time to think this through and a chance to educate myself.

I'm still uncomfortable about some of this. I feel bad that I secretly hope that by not agreeing to him being allowed to "date" her eventually the feeling will die down. I know that's wrong and manipulative and I don't want to be like that. I wouldn't mind their communication so much if it was only when I was at work or at skating lessons, but it happens even when I'm home and I think that is having more of an effect on me.

Your feelings are not wrong. They are simply your feelings.

I don't think it's enough to just say, "go slow," without defining what that means. Otherwise, it's too open for interpretation. I think it's very reasonable to ask that he limit his contact with her to band-related stuff ONLY, and not during off time from the band unless it's for scheduling. He needs to extricate himself from her spell so he can see things more clearly.

I want to know how we can start slow. What do we do? What restrictions am I reasonably allowed to set right now?

If I let him escort her to events she doesn't want to go to alone, albeit they don't have sex is that unfair.

This is bullshit - let her get someone else to escort her. Aren't there other dudes in the band or in her life? Why is she glomming on to him? She seems to be zeroing in. Why does he feel like he needs to accompany her? That is weird.

Oh, and you're very sweet but really, he's your fiance and you guys are a monogamous couple. Just because he brought up this possibility and you're reading up on polyamory doesn't mean you now are selfish to ask that your FIANCE not have sex with anyone else. You both have made a commitment to each other -- where is his allegiance to that commitment and respect for it, and to you? Is it something he can toss aside so easily when someone else shakes her thing around him?

That's why I think he needs time away from her, as limited as possible - and not just for a few days or weeks, either -- so he can examine whether or not he really wants to be polyamorous, or if it's just some infatuation with someone who could just see him as a casual fling, or a conquest. What would the damage be to his relationship with you if he went that route? He needs to redirect his energies back to his relationship with you in order to see if he really does feel the need for more relationships in his life.

Am I allowed to say right now they are not allowed to kiss? Should I confront her about hogging up all his time? Should I talk to her in person about it?

He's your fiance and you guys are not in a poly relationship. All these things are reasonable, IMHO.

By the way, I don't really think she is your friend. I think she wants your man, though she denies it. Or she gets off on the drama, or feeds her ego with being able to attract someone who's taken. Your guy needs to shake himself out of his dream world and get back to planet earth, get back to relationship with you.

Oh, and what Flamekat wrote bears repeating:
From your last post, I would think it within your right to ask him to set aside specific times for when he does 'band stuff' when you are around .... and that the rest of the time is YOURS... no interruptions from this girl during your time.. at least for now while you are adjusting...

Another option would be for you to take an interest and join in with the 'band stuff'... and again I would stipulate that non-band time is to have no interruptions from this girl... for now...
 
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@Magdlyn @nycindie

Ok I'm gonna refer to other girl as "R"

1. R lives in our home city, but she's not from there and we live right now 5 hours away (yay for moving for jobs).

2. My fiancee and R are the only band members, he's been a solo musician since he was a young teen.

3. B/c of where we live they do all their band stuff via Skype and IM chatting.

R is supposed to be visiting us next month...to work on music stuff. I want to write out some conditions I have for them and confront them over everything. I want to lay down everything I feel I have a right to thank to you all.

I also want to direct my fiancee to this forum b/c if he thinks this is what he wants then he better start doing some reading...I'm not going to be responsible for everything and I really think that he needs to take some action and proving whether or not this is what he wants.
 
Wait a minute. She doesn't live nearby, yet they are forming a musical duo? Which gives them an excuse to chat online all the time? So they aren't actually practicing music together, just chatting about music and whatever else they feel like chatting about?

He always played solo, yet is now wanting to play music with her, even tho she lives 5 hours away, and even tho he is engaged to be married??

All I can say is, hmmmm...
 
They just released an EP (it's electronica music...mostly computerized synths less real instruments)

They are actually making music but they also chat a lot too.
 
I think directing your fiance to this site and your thread is a good idea. It's a very healthy thing you said about not wanting to be the only one doing the work. Has to be a two-way street.

You both met this chick when she needed a ride, and now she's really wound her way in. Yes, I think boundaries are in order here!
 
R is supposed to be visiting us next month...to work on music stuff. I want to write out some conditions I have for them and confront them over everything. I want to lay down everything I feel I have a right to thank to you all.

I also want to direct my fiancee to this forum b/c if he thinks this is what he wants then he better start doing some reading...I'm not going to be responsible for everything and I really think that he needs to take some action and proving whether or not this is what he wants.
All good ideas... start writing. And get him to join us :) we don't bite. We know there is always two sides to everything. It sounds like he might benefit from some heads up on some things....

I would wonder how much of this is musically related.... "yay, something to share with someone that my girlfriend, whom I hardly see because shes at work, doesn't enjoy as much as me!....I'm so in love with this other woman because she gets my music and we make beautiful music together....."

hmmmmmm.....

wonder how much of this is going through his mind. The fact that they just released something together is like their love child. How many popular musicians do you know that went through this same thing? Music is awesome, and so is on line romance with glimpses of the person in between, but it isn't real life.... taking the garbage out, dishes and laundry and STILL loving the person you are with is real life. Maybe this should all just slow down... to answer your question, until some stuff is sorted out as to "why" this has happened off the top of his head.

Sounds like a bit of a fantasy to me. If you were all good before she came along I would really look at what he thinks he is missing in his life before diving in to a relationship with this woman. That is kind of what you do AFTER you work out your shit with the person you are with.
 
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