Need help. Pregnancy related.

Personally? I would keep the baby and allow you to choose how involved you want to be with the understanding that 1- it will all be done in writing (aka you either sign your rights away or some sort of custody arrangement or whatever) and 2- I wouldn't lie to my kid so they will know you're their bio father but chose not to be a parent (if that's what you choose). If you chose to walk away from a baby, our friendship would be over.

In my case, though, Hubby would not hesitate to raise another baby as his own regardless of genetics so the baby would still have a joyful dad.

I would not do unnecessary prenatal testing. Paternity test can wait until after birth to reduce risk.

Honestly your language in this post makes you sound like someone I would not want to coparent with. Let you off the hook? You willingly engaged in sex with a fertile woman. You deserve to as equally as possible share those consequences. Grow up and take responsibility for your actions.
 
Personally? I would keep the baby and allow you to choose how involved you want to be with the understanding that 1- it will all be done in writing (aka you either sign your rights away or some sort of custody arrangement or whatever) and 2- I wouldn't lie to my kid so they will know you're their bio father but chose not to be a parent (if that's what you choose). If you chose to walk away from a baby, our friendship would be over.

In my case, though, Hubby would not hesitate to raise another baby as his own regardless of genetics so the baby would still have a joyful dad.

I would not do unnecessary prenatal testing. Paternity test can wait until after birth to reduce risk.

Honestly your language in this post makes you sound like someone I would not want to coparent with. Let you off the hook? You willingly engaged in sex with a fertile woman. You deserve to as equally as possible share those consequences. Grow up and take responsibility for your actions.

Okay. I get that this is just one personal opinion.

I don't want to be a parent without a family. Taking care of a kid alone would not be something I would want to do. I have expressed my thoughts to her so I guess she should take them in to consideration.

It would be all good if they were to keep the baby all by themselves and maybe I could be something like a godfather if I happened to be the father.

As far as I know a test can be taken without risk. I think it was from the moms blood. I could be wrong about this though.

Well what can you expect? I don't want to be a single dad. If I deserve equal share of the consequences, I should have a equal day in about keeping the baby or not?
 
Honestly, the options aren't any different just because the mother is poly. She will either choose to keep the baby or not. You and her other partner may have some influence in that decision, but ultimately she will decide. As for when to perform the paternity test, I would think that should depend on the safety of the tests. She should consult her doctor for that information. I'm like Always, I would personally wait until the baby is born.

In the interim, you should consider how little or how much you want to be involved. Regardless of whether you decide to be involved or not involved, you will still be required to pay child support if you're the legal father and the mother files for support (she may be required to file for support if she's on governmental assistance. ) That's true whether the mother has no other partners or many partners.

Ultimately, its her body, her choice on whether to keep the baby or not, and whether to test during pregnancy or after birth.
 
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About 18 months ago, I was in a very similar situation. If you search past posts of mine, you will find all the details, but here was the gist of it:

I got pregnant and it was unclear whether my husband or my boyfriend was the father. My husband did not want any more children. My boyfriend very much wanted a child, but the situation sucked.

We considered all options -- abortion, keeping the baby, giving the baby up for adoption.

You can get a (very expensive) non-invasive prenatal paternity test at 8+ weeks. It's a blood test. Our plan was to do this and then I would make final decisions with the input of whomever turned out to be the biological father. In the 4 weeks between learning of the pregnancy and being eligible for the test, however, I had read books on open adoption and considered all my options and really by that point I had decided I wasn't really able to imagine doing anything except to keep the baby regardless of the results of the test. My boyfriend had gotten his blood drawn on the morning of my 8 week ultrasound and my husband was scheduled to get his drawn later that day.

However,at my 8 week ultrasound it was revealed that I had had a miscarriage. It was a Friday. I scheduled a D&C for Monday and spent the weekend crying. My boyfriend and I were both extremely sad at the loss of the pregnancy -- I felt very little relief at the outcome. My boyfriend had very much hoped that it would turn out to be his. My husband was sad at how everything had happened, but I think he was mostly relieved since this was kind of his worst nightmare. He got a vasectomy about 3 months later.

After the miscarriage, I desperately wanted to get pregnant again, but my husband really didn't want another child in his life. We all talked about the possibility of my boyfriend and I having a planned pregnancy down the road, but over time I lost interest in having another baby. I still think about it sometimes, but my children (with my husband) are past the baby stage and I'm ready to move past it as well. My boyfriend is still hoping to have a baby with someone, but has accepted the fact that it is very unlikely to be me.

So that's my story of what I did when I was in a similar situation to your friend. Abortion was off the table for me pretty fast -- it came down to adoption or keeping the baby and I just couldn't imagine carrying a baby to term and then giving it up. I was terrified, but the idea of having the baby (with whomever was willing to parent with me) was the most palatable option for me.

In my case, however, I already had two children and had experienced a prior miscarriage that had required a D&C. So those experiences definitely influenced my decision. I knew, based on my experience with pregnancy loss, that I couldn't get an abortion. And I knew, based on my experiences with having babies that I couldn't give one up for adoption. Your friend may have a different decision based on her own experiences, age, goals, etc.

Best of luck. It's a really difficult situation.
 
One of the basic guiding principles in poly is to custom-build your relationships, including parenting, regardless of societal expectations. Which means there is no poly recipe for this one. You will have to communicate and consider options and do your best to be kind and respectful to the rights, feelings and boundaries of all people involved. I'm sorry you're in a difficult situation, and sorry about the extra layer of complexity :)
 
I think you could be super honest about how you feel while sorting out who is actually the dad in this case.

  • You would like a paternity test when reasonable to do so.
  • If they decided to keep the baby all by themselves you are willing (if it turns out to be yours) to surrender parenting rights. Because...
    • You don't want to be a parent without a family.
    • You don't want to take care of a kid alone.
    • You might be willing to be a godparent figure
  • You are/are not able to meet financial responsibilities toward her health care related to this pregnancy or termination or child's upkeep easily at this time. (You are responsible to help if you are the father, but if you have to do some jiggling to accommodate... let her know what to expect.)

For future...

Def plan to use condoms. If a condom breaks during intercourse? Really ought to talk that plan out with your sex partner BEFORE actually sharing sex. Things like... Does she keep Plan B in the home? Does she use BCP? Does she have access to Emergency Contraception of another kind/brand?

https://ec.princeton.edu/questions/dose.html

What does she need to know about your feelings/thoughts about babies/children/parenting.

You might decide to skip intercourse in favor of outercourse to minimize "ooops!" pregnancy. Or skip sharing sex of ANY kind at all because you do not share the same views on how to deal with an accidental pregnancy, families, parenting, etc.

And... have a savings account to help with unexpected. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.


Galagirl
 
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Okay. I get that this is just one personal opinion.

I don't want to be a parent without a family. Taking care of a kid alone would not be something I would want to do. I have expressed my thoughts to her so I guess she should take them in to consideration.

It would be all good if they were to keep the baby all by themselves and maybe I could be something like a godfather if I happened to be the father.

As far as I know a test can be taken without risk. I think it was from the moms blood. I could be wrong about this though.

Well what can you expect? I don't want to be a single dad. If I deserve equal share of the consequences, I should have a equal day in about keeping the baby or not?

You don't want a baby? Then don't do things that can make a baby. Unfortunately your opinion doesn't mean much when it is her and her body that would have to undergo a medical procedure to change things.

As for the test, I'm unfamiliar. My partners and I are of the opinion that if paternity is unclear, it doesn't really since we will raise the kid the same way either way. Insurance won't cover it I'm sure though so... be prepared to pay for it! :)
 
Unfortunately, it's entirely up to her and what she wants to do. Her body, her pregnancy, her choice. You had sex with her so if there are consequences, you share them. If you don't think that's fair, then don't do things that could result in babies.

If you want to know what your rights are, then yes- you'll have to request a paternity test. In that case, you have all the legal rights and responsibilities of a parent. With regards to what shape you want that to be- you can voice your opinions, but you can't really do anything about "being a parent without a family" if she wants to keep the baby and doesn't want to live as a family.

Nothing wrong with sharing your wants with her, but ultimately, she's the one who will be making the decisions regarding the baby.
 
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Unfortunately, it's entirely up to her and what she wants to do. Her body, her pregnancy, her choice. You had sex with her so if there are consequences, you share them. If you don't think that's fair, then don't do things that could result in babies.

If you want to know what your rights are, then yes- you'll have to request a paternity test. In that case, you have all the legal rights and responsibilities of a parent. With regards to what shape you want that to be- you can voice your opinions, but you can't really do anything about "being a parent without a family" if she wants to keep the baby and doesn't want to live as a family.

Nothing wrong with sharing your wants with her, but ultimately, she's the one who will be making the decisions regarding the baby.

Actually everything is not up to her. If I were to be a legal parent, I will have the same rights as her. If she wants me to be a dad without my consent I don't know if she is to be considered a friend at all.

A disgruntled parent can make things very hard for the other parent.
 
Actually everything is not up to her. If I were to be a legal parent, I will have the same rights as her. If she wants me to be a dad without my consent I don't know if she is to be considered a friend at all.

A disgruntled parent can make things very hard for the other parent.

WTF? I really hope I am misunderstanding your comment. Because what you are saying sounds like some Grade-A bullshit.

If you don’t want to be a parent, tell her that. If she decides to continue the pregnancy, you don’t have to share custody but pay your fucking child support. She isn’t doing this TO you — if you are the biological parent then you both share responsibility for this pregnancy. Biologically, how that shakes out for the parent with the sperm and the parent with the uterus is different, but do not think for one fucking second that she is to blame for your situation — regardless of her decision about the pregnancy.
 
Actually everything is not up to her. If I were to be a legal parent, I will have the same rights as her. If she wants me to be a dad without my consent I don't know if she is to be considered a friend at all.

A disgruntled parent can make things very hard for the other parent.

I can only imagine how upsetting this all must be. Try not to get ahead of yourself with stress and worries though.

Don't make things hard on you, her, or the potential child from disgruntledness. That's not being your best self. Or a very good friend to her either. Or being decent to a baby that didn't ask to be here.

Try to stay calm as much as possible. Take it one thing at a time. First a paternity test to see if this is your child when that becomes doable/far enough along to do.

And then have calm honest talks with her about each of your preferences to work something out that you both can deal with depending on the results of that test.

You are correct. Not everything is up to her about what kind of father you want to be and how. She cannot MAKE you be a "full time hands on dad" if that's just not what you want to do.

All you are required to do by law is the stuff your area requires you to do by law. I don't know where you live and you do not have to say. You might want to look them up at some point though so you can learn what they are.

If you prefer to surrender your paternal rights and give up custody things so she and the other partner can adopt the child as raise it as theirs? All agree? You all could look up the process for how to do that.

If you prefer to be more like a "family friend" to the kid? And quietly contribute some financial support without the kid knowing you are the bio dad? All agree? You could do that too.

You guys have to come to terms and work all that out. You are the ones in the actual situation.

Try to be kind. Remember you all might be dealing in shock and grief. Like grieving this is NOT how you planned your life to be. This is NOT your idea of how you wanted children. Don't take that upset out on each other. Try to remember you are friends.

All you can do is be honest about what you are and are not willing to do. Have some faith. And by that I mean have the confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome even when you cannot see how.

Acting out your upset in the form of disgruntledness and making things hard for her or the potential child? I don't think that's not keeping in good character. I also don't think that behavior would be something you would feel proud of doing.

This was unplanned. You are not the first or the last to wind up here. Try to be kind on all parties involved. :eek:

If you need extra support, think about seeing a counselor.

Perhaps your birth control talks with her back then could have included this potentiality and how to deal with it. But that is back then.

And it is what it is NOW. Try to be in the NOW.

So take a deep breath and take it one thing at a time. First is paternity test.

So make arrangements for that.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Actually everything is not up to her. If I were to be a legal parent, I will have the same rights as her. If she wants me to be a dad without my consent I don't know if she is to be considered a friend at all.

A disgruntled parent can make things very hard for the other parent.

Wow. You sound like a peach. Do the right thing if she decides to keep the baby. Have nothing to do with the child. Want to talk about not being a friend? How about adding to the stress of an unplanned pregnancy by acting like a jerk. You think she WANTS to be pregnant with your kid? Probably not since you're not actually together. But I would hope AS HER FRIEND that you could put aside the fact that you don't want to be a dad and at least be a friend.

Sign away your rights. Only do court mandated stuff. Whatever you need to do, but don't take it out on an innocent child by lashing out at their mother because you chose to have sex and don't like the consequences.
 
Actually everything is not up to her. If I were to be a legal parent, I will have the same rights as her. If she wants me to be a dad without my consent I don't know if she is to be considered a friend at all.

A disgruntled parent can make things very hard for the other parent.

I can't see the original post - but until this point I had a very different reply considered based on the discussion. (Based on my history - documented here - of wanting a baby and MrS being on board but Dude not wanting to be a dad, etc. Agreements made. Contingencies planned.)

But, now this...using an innocent to "get back at" someone who didn't make the decision that you wanted? That would be a despicable action.
 
My point is that the OP at this point does NOT have the same rights as his partner. It is her body that is pregnant. It is hers and solely her decision as to whether or not to continue the pregnancy.

After that, everyone involved will have to negotiate for what they want. But it's very unlikely that OP can just walk away, regardless of whether or not he wants to co-parent in this type of situation. If she chooses to have the baby and it is biologically the OP's, he will have legal obligations regardless.

And yeah... I would not want to co-parent with someone who decided he was going to "make things difficult" for our child, in the event that he and I wanted different things. That's beyond horrible.

She cannot "make OP a dad" without his consent. No one can force anyone to actually parent. But part of being an adult is recognizing that actions have potential consequences. If you aren't sterile and you have sex with a fertile person, you are always running at least a very small risk of pregnancy. You choose to ride the ride, you have to deal with what comes. She does NOT require your consent to keep the baby, and in many countries you will have legal obligations regardless of whether you want the baby or not. Child support is for the benefit of the child, and the child's rights come first of all.

If you are so worried about potential partners getting pregnant "without your consent", then consider other options than PIV intercourse because it is always a possibility no matter how many methods of birth control you use.
 
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