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  #821  
Old 10-03-2014, 10:29 PM
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It wasn't always like this, was it? Didn't Maca and GG used to help and support you when you needed to depend on them? When did that change, and what was the precipitating event? Do you think you might have used to perceive them differently? I don't mean to pry, I just know that sometimes questions like these help us get a better understanding of the problem.

I think that right now you especially need to focus on taking care of yourself. You are going through a crisis and it is hard on you. It would be hard on anyone.
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  #822  
Old 10-03-2014, 11:17 PM
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Yes Kevin- Maca is relatively good at being supportive and helpful. EXCEPT he has MAJOR insecurity issues and always has. Whenever he goes out of town; everyone and everything is suspect. Every fb post, every delayed reply to a text, every word, every minute.
GG has always been good at following instructions. So if someone gives him a direct order for an immediate action, he will do it.
However-if it is something that requires his own ongoing supervision over an extended period of time-not going to happen. If it is a matter of him figuring out what needs done-not going to happen.

So in the past GENERALLY I have handled everything and divvied out responsibilities on a daily basis. If I was in crisis, such as when I hurt my neck, Maca would give explicit instructions.
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  #823  
Old 10-03-2014, 11:21 PM
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The change isn't in perception, it is in circumstance. I can't be the sole coordinator/organizer/boss AND do school. I changed MY role. They SAID they were completely behind the change because the long term benefits far outweigh the immediate responsibikity.
However: Maca can not take on any responsibikity beyond finances if he is gone & due to GG not taking care of HIS part of the responsibikities, Maca had no choice but to take work out of town in order to cover expenses. It is a vicious downward spiral that originates with GG not holding up his end of the deal & becomes more and more screwed by the subsequent bullshit that has been created because of that trigger.
ALL of which starts with me returning to school.
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  #824  
Old 10-04-2014, 02:51 AM
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But I think that going to school is important to you. Am I right?

Seems to me that this is Maca's and GG's opportunity to show that they'll support you when you really need them to. If there's a vicious circle going on, then it's up to each of the guys to stop the cycle when it gets to them -- rather than passing the problem back to the other guy. People can learn, change, and grow. Maca and GG can both learn, change, and grow. This would be an excellent time for them to do it. This is the time when you need them to step up to the plate.

What can be done (realistically speaking) to ease the financial situation? After GG moves out, can you move into a smaller house? Is that something you'd even want to do?

Going to school can be exciting but stressful and you need less, not more, stress in your life in order to be able to thrive in that academic environment. I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel.
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  #825  
Old 10-04-2014, 07:08 AM
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Selling the house wouldn't net us enough at this point to be able to buy another place. I am working on paying off bills (medical and vehicle loans) and reducing ones (cc, car insurance) that will help somewhat on finances.

Unfortunately vehicles will come into play. In kodiak all transportation costs are covered. Here Maca has to cover his own and its 50 miles each way for work at a minimum.

But-we will figure it out.

To be honest-yes growing up and being supportive would be helpful. But no one can make another person do that.
It has been three years since we all agreed I was going to school to get my degree, laid out precise plans for what responsibikities they would each take over so I could etc.
But the bs continues.

It's been 5 years since I dropped the "poly bomb". The emotional bs continues.

Just tonight GG is posting all over my fb his lovey dovey bullshit not two hours after we had a serious talk AGAIN about the fact that WE are OVER.

Maca is texting me "I saw your flirting on fb and I am going to BED"

Really?
Grow the fuck up guys.

To GG-stop trying to portray to the world that we are still a couple. ACCEPT REALITY because until you do-you can't fix shit.

To Maca-for fuck sake even if i was flirting on fb-GET OVER IT! I am poly and i can do that. (it just so happens i wasn't ON fb. I was watching a movie-but thats arbitrary)

I am so SICK of the passive aggressive guilt trips.
I came out as poly AND agreed to a divorce if thats what he wanted blah blah blah.
It has been five fucking years.
GET OVER IT!!!
If you can't handle seeing the TRUTH of me being ME-QUIT PRETENDING YOU LOVE ME. Because you don't. You love a fictional character that you named after me.
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  #826  
Old 10-04-2014, 04:45 PM
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((hugs!))
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  #827  
Old 10-04-2014, 05:48 PM
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I take it Maca's refusal/inability to get over the poly issues ties into his confrontation toward Panther. Seems like he's still trying to guilt-trip you about that aspect of yourself. (And ironically, GG is inadvertently egging him on)

What GG doesn't seem to understand is that there has to be a clean break between you and him before there can be any connection in the future. The original relationship is dead and buried. Anything in the future would have to be an entirely new relationship. Not built on the past. At least that's my perception of it. GG seems to be trying to live in the past.

Obviously this is a difficult time for you with a lot going on. I see the storm from a distance and only have a limited grasp of it, but I do sympathize.
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  #828  
Old 10-04-2014, 06:16 PM
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Yes-
Maca still has issues with me being poly. Which is exactly why he confronted Panther. Because I told Maca I wanted to change that relationship to FWB. He got insecure and he wanted to control how it went down (his words). He wants anyone I am sexually involved with to "obey" him and his expectations. He's the picture perfect example of what Nycindie rails about in couples. As far as he's concerned, unless they are willing to bow down to his authority and let him define what is or isn't allowed-they aren't trustworthy.

I however see it differently. We have agreements of our own and I see those as being between he and I. I don't believe he should be speaking to someone else I am considering dating about those issues. I SHOULD. Either he trusts me or he doesn't and as far as I'm concerned; he just made it abundantly clear (again) that he doesn't.

Furthermore; because of the constant issue of changing rules to be stricter when they pertained only to me, but wanting them laxer when he was dating; we agreed 2 years ago that the boundaries would be negotiated at 3 month intervals. NOT any other time.

We spent almost three months negotiating them in the first place and have discussed them every three months for the last 2 years and he's been fine with them. UNTIL I brought up Panther. All of a sudden he wants stricter rules added. I agreed. But I won't agree to remove them again later. Because it's fucking ASININE.
He thinks it's all in my head. Its not in my head. It's a double standard. Oral sex *shouldn't* require protection if HE is dating someone else. But if I am dating someone else he wants it as a boundary. Same with anal sex. If it's HIM dating-he NEEDS that privilege. If it's ME dating that's absolutely unacceptable.

Uhhuh.

Fucking stupid.


Right about now I feel like it was a mistake to even "come out" to him. I feel like I've wasted 5 years of my life trying to be honest and forthright and considerate so that he can continue to play games with me by trying to hold me on a short leash while simultaneously allowing himself to have a long free reign.

I'm very much in a "FUCK ALL OF YOU" place today. I'm so disgusted and offended and TIRED of the double standards and the damn games.
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  #829  
Old 10-04-2014, 06:29 PM
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I know I don't post much, and so it probably doesn't matter much to you, but I've been reading your story and I just wanted to empathize and say FUCK double standards and I really, really hope your situation gets better and the people you're involved with can learn to be more mature. Immaturity in grown-ass adults is one of my least favorite things. ::hugs::
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  #830  
Old 10-04-2014, 06:36 PM
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Eoh, I didn't realize Maca had a double standard thing going. Sorry to hear about that.

It seems as if he can only handle *you* being poly if he can tightly control the situation. Or maybe he's trying to imply that you're not trustworthy whereas he is trustworthy which is why he should get special power and privileges?

I know you said you didn't do everything perfectly in the beginning as far as poly was concerned. But you can't have a healthy relationship without forgiveness, and I feel like Maca is withholding some of his forgiveness. He is only forgiving *part* of the way. Like you said, when it's been five years that's a long time to hold a grudge.

I just hope this eventually leads to Maca (and GG) coming to a realization that they can, and should, mature a little bit more at this time.
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