Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-14-2009, 09:45 PM
Io55 Io55 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 20
Default never an official third, now officially not a third

I'll preface this by saying I'm (relatively) young and foolish, and didn't read the books, or really search the websites, and was for a while blissfully ignorant...
Also, prepare for an ear/eye full, because though my friends are accepting of my 'alternative' lifestyle, they don't seem terribly interested in it, and also im embarrassed about the 'i should have known better/been better' factor, so I really haven't had anyone to confide in lately.
So I've never been very attached to the idea of monogamy, emotionally or sexually. I didn't know there was a name for that till about 3 years ago when i moved out of the sticks :P
My ex and I decided about a year ago that swinging would be something we were interested in. We had some great experiences and met really nice people, we were very, very lucky. We became very close with one couple in particular, M and H(and though he had many things in common with them and liked them a lot, i think i was really the one that pushed to see them so often-after a few months of knowing each other we were seeing each other once every other weekend.)
We had been having problems for a while, which were at the time unrelated to sex(after some time though my resentment really affected my attraction to him) and I'm aware that i was escaping these problems at times by spending so much time with these other 2 people, which im sure was unfair to everyone. Anyway in May i came to the realization that all of the steps we kept agreeing needed to be taken in order for our relationship to work werent being taken, and I ended the relationship with my ex. I hadn't really informed M&H of my decision before we actually broke up (though M and I would sometimes go out for drinks and discuss the boys and vent a little:P)

Living arrangements were a little difficult, as our lease was due a month after we broke up(31st of june), and i found a good place, but only for 1st of august...and so M&H offered for me to stay with them.
I foresaw some of the issues this might bring up, but as I dont have lots of friends in the area or money, and I already had deepening feelings of love for both of them and really liked the idea of being around them all the time, i took them up on their offer.
There were issues that I vaguely knew about before in their sex life (she has a high sex drive, him lower). Understandibly, as the date of my one month move-in approached, she was feeling insecure about how H seemed to be giving me a lot of attention..so we agreed that sex was off-limits during my stay. we would still all cuddle together or separately, and making out was fine. The month went on, and there were a few rocky moments, but between us 3 things were mostly fine. The frequency of sex in their relationship though didnt change, and I noticed that H was much more physically affectionate with me...the emotional aspect of our relationship also deepened, and intensified over this time. *im thinking here, if anyone can tell me at which point in this story the decent thing to do would have been to disappear from their lives for a while, please let me know. i feel really selfish and ashamed that i didnt give them the space and time they maybe needed to work on their relationship-that being said on a day to day basis i dont think i was clingy or imposing my needs on them, i think always tried to respect their boundaries*
Anyway, i moved out in august, which i think we were all a little sad about,maybe H and i more so
M and I had a really big talk about how she felt like she was getting all the bad-boyfriend behaviour (they are an entrepreneurial couple with a lot of grown-up common responsibilities and all the fights that go with that) and I was getting all the sweet boyfriend business, which made her feel resentful of me, and that she HATED that feeling, since she loves me too..they had a big conversation (though one that sounded familiar to the conversation they'd been having for a few months) about how he would show her more appreciation and they would work on their sex life as a twosome. However it was proposed to me by M, that we would continue to see each other regularly, i would have a seperate date night with each of them once a week, and we have a weekend night for all 3 of us also.
This seemed to work well for about a month. I wasnt around them much as a couple and was hesitant to ask lots of prying questions, but from what i understand not much changed. they were still both super stressed and fighting all the time, and they hadnt been having sex. and now everything came to a head this week, theyve broken up, he seems unsure but she seems decided. I really dont want to lose either of them...

M is the closest friend ive had in years. the relationship we have together has been ( mockingly yet affectionately) referred to as a 'cosmic connection'. I love her and i love being around her, i never get tired of it . Shes beautiful and sexy and so smart and the conversations we have cannot be equaled. As for H, we are incredibly similar, and he is the first person ive ever met who understands my neuroses because he shares them, i know this can be viewed as an unhealthy thing, but he fulfills this need for understanding that ive had since i was a little kid. AND, hes the most sexually compatible person to me ive ever met. hes funny and sweet and weird and i love him so much.
After the break up on friday, M asked me if me and H would 'start up some kind of relationship right away' Since im newly single anyway, i legitimately think thats a terrible idea, and said so, be it with him or anyone. i know im not ready for that right now.but i cant say thats not something i would want at some point.i guess for now, my role is a pretty easy (yet painful) one, being to stay away and let them sort their shit out. but in a few months or years? i have no idea what to do, how to not let them completely slip out of my life yet give them the space they need. and also, and i guess the reason why im writing a freaking online novel about this, it just really hurts. i miss them both, and i want to see and hug them, and also i feel responsible for causing a woman i love so much hurt, and that kills me.
thanks for letting me share

Last edited by Io55; 09-20-2009 at 11:17 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-15-2009, 05:42 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Originally Posted by Io55 View Post
thanks for letting me share
you're welcome...

not sure what to say, other than that was an interesting read.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2009, 03:20 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 652

Hello Io55,

Yowie. This is some pretty serious stuff you're dealing with, what with your break-up and the relationship between M and H being on the rocks. No wonder your head is spinning.

I can't pretend to know what you should do, but here's what I would do.

I'd take a breather. Give myself some time and space to work on my own issues, and to heal. I would stay in contact with M & H while being careful to give them time and room to work on their issues, individually and as a couple.

Keep in mind, Io55, that thier relationship had issues before you came on the scene. Your arrival may have exacerbated the situation, or even revealed problems that had not yet been identified, but you did not create thier troubles. So give yourself a break on that front.

Good luck to you and everyone involved. And welcome to the forum.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-17-2009, 02:06 PM
Io55 Io55 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 20

Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
Keep in mind, Io55, that thier relationship had issues before you came on the scene. Your arrival may have exacerbated the situation, or even revealed problems that had not yet been identified, but you did not create thier troubles. So give yourself a break on that front.
Hi Fidelia, thanks so much for your kind words. I guess its my special little brand of narcissism that makes me like to think everything is my fault, and i thank you for reminding me to keep perspective...unfortunately M doesnt really see it this way, and im not sure if our relationship may have been damaged beyond repair... but for now im trying to take some time alone to deal with my own issues and really become comfortable with myself (living alone for the first time ever at 26 really helps for that )
As for unobtrusively keeping in touch, i think im doing the right thing, by being frequently present online, yet waiting for one of them to initiate conversations..its a little awkward right now, and we haven't been chatting much, but they seem to be getting along, so im glad
thanks again!
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:18 PM.