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Old 08-22-2012, 08:32 PM
ThirdAlternative ThirdAlternative is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 8
Default New here, In a Poly, mixed-orientation marriage (MOM)

I call myself "thirdalternative", because rather than cheat or get a divorce, we decided to have an open, polyamourous relationship. I've been married 16 years to a wonderful man. We have 3 children. Five years ago, he came out. We worked through the rough patches and stayed together, because as unconventional as our relationship is, we still love each other and enjoy each other's company. We just don't have a sex life with each other anymore, but are intimate in other ways (hugs, holding hands, kisses). I think we'd be lost without the other.

Anyhow, we initially tried swinging together, it felt weird to me and most wanted one or the other. That's when we decided to have separate secondary and very clearly defined relationships. He has had a very nice BF for over 2 years now whom I personally know and who accepts us. I have had some experiences myself, but needless to say, the other fellows weren't too good at the honesty and consensual aspect of the whole poly thing. Most were scared off once they started to care for me, many were just cheaters who pretended to be single or separated. I became very good at recognizing them sooner after a while. Needless to say, it's been disheartening trying to find someone who is okay with polyamory for me..no problem for my husband though. And I don't consider myself unattractive! I just keep attracting cheaters, liars, and manipulators who will say just about anything to have a chance with me. SO FYI, I really don't think adult sites such as friendfinder or passion.com are the best places to meet someone who understands polyamory. I honestly don't know where to look, so I'm giving up on looking since I have to heal from a recent hysterectomy and try to get myself better. Thanks for having me.

I also wanted to add that I belong to a wonderful support group for the wives only of bi/gay husbands who want to stay together and work through it. There's a separate one for the men.

Last edited by ThirdAlternative; 08-22-2012 at 08:41 PM.
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Old 08-22-2012, 08:41 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
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Sorry, no advice on where to look.

Originally Posted by ThirdAlternative View Post
I have to heal from a recent hysterectomy and try to get myself better. Thanks for having me.
I also just had to do this back in May - OMG! You will be amazed at how much better your feel once your healed .
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Old 08-23-2012, 10:43 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 15,838

Hello ThirdAlternative,
Welcome to our forum.

The story of your username is familiar, as people often discover that polyamory is the alternative to cheating/divorce. I'd say that's how my little poly household got together.

I don't know if you've tried OKCupid, some people have better luck with it as a dating site because it's poly friendly, and gives a lot of room for you to put info (and requisites) into your profile. Oh and there's also PolyMatchMaker, though it doesn't get nearly as much traffic.

Anyway, I know you're not looking or anything at the moment, but perhaps that's something for later on. In the meantime, you can learn a lot by reading and interacting with folks on this site.

I'm glad you could join us.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 08-28-2012, 05:37 PM
ThirdAlternative ThirdAlternative is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 8

Thanks for the suggestions Kevin. I believe I tried OK cupid once; there was little in my area though.
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