The inevitable thirdness of being the third

I find it a peculiar thing to say "the" third person. Because, when there are three people, every one of them is a "third person" from a certain perspective.

Bah. I just don't think the vast majority of people have what it takes to sustain the "triad" relationship-style for very long, regardless of whether we are conditioned by society toward "monogamism" or not. Not to say it isn't possible; it just isn't probable.

And I am quite comfortable in my pessimism, thank you's very much.

Yeah, I agree with you there. Most of the time, the couple still retains a unit status even when they try to include the new partner as much as possible. And most don't even understand that they're doing it. Which is why I'm leery of this model in the first place...ironic that I ended up in it, but I thought it was worth experiencing. Doubtful I'll put myself there again.
 
Well you did say it was the PEOPLE, not the SITUATION, that you were attracted to.

True. Sadly, the situation ends up being the elephant in the room and eventually trumps it all.
 
Having said what I said up there, I am rooting for our own home-team-triad of SG-AB-AL. If ANYONE "has what it takes" it is they who do.
 
Having said what I said up there, I am rooting for our own home-team-triad of SG-AB-AL. If ANYONE "has what it takes" it is they who do.

Agreed! Triads aren't right for everyone, but they're not wrong for everyone either.
 
Who's SG-AB-AL? Can't mentally equate those intitials with member names yet, lol.

Violet and I have been talking every day about this very thing, before this thread and even more since reading it. YGirl's comment re the use of the term "third" is very valid for our situation; we are of the opinion that an "equality" model is best for a triad, and working Anne into "full partner" status when Violet and I are an established couple is taking a LOT of work all around. And we've only been together 10 months!

Just this week we learned and had to discuss and fix a situation in which Ane was holding back from fully committing to us a little because she didn't feel "equal" yet, and that Violet was having problems viewing her as equal because she was holding back, LOL! And that was just the tip of teh iceburg which became a lot of very tough, very emotioal discussion. Luckily, the strength is there in our relationship and the love and desire to make it work is there all around, and we're all looking forward to getting past these growing pains and growing this into what we all see on the horizon.
 
Just this week we learned and had to discuss and fix a situation in which Ane was holding back from fully committing to us a little because she didn't feel "equal" yet, and that Violet was having problems viewing her as equal because she was holding back, LOL!

Have you figured out exactly what "equality" is in your relationship?




(and SG-AB-AL are Sunshinegirl, Aussiebloke and Aussielover. AL just moved from Canada to Australia to be in a triad with SG and AB)
 
Have you figured out exactly what "equality" is in your relationship?




(and SG-AB-AL are Sunshinegirl, Aussiebloke and Aussielover. AL just moved from Canada to Australia to be in a triad with SG and AB)

I'm not sure what HMA will have to say about this one, but personally, I don't think I've figured it out at all. With some of the issues raised in my head - which don't at ALL negate my desire to be or my belief in Poly - leads me to really struggle with whether I WANT her as an equal or not. Whether that's an "equal YET", or an "equal EVER", I don't know. Lots to figure out.

There's a lot of issues in my own head to work around. It's tough - I feel like HMA and Anne go running in the direction I said I was comfortable with, only to get tripped by a diamond filament invisible wire I didn't even know was there! I'm as shocked by it as they are! And when I go to start cutting at the filament, it's fucking diamond. And DAMN hard to get through. I'm having enough trouble cutting it without pissing off/upsetting HMA and Anne. They're both pissed that this line I said wasn't there IS there, and they're hurt by it.

It's tough when I can't see the invisible trip wires I strung. Lots of hurt and anxiety all around. Don't get me wrong - I'm still wanting the relationship. But that equality wire is one that we haven't all the way tripped over yet, and I'm really scared to get there. ANYWAY. Didn't mean to hijack your thread. :p

</rant>
 
I have nothing bad to say about it - how you feel is how you feel, there isn't a right or wrong to feelings.

I will say though, that your post kinda frightens me, as I thought we'd covered this last night and you were doing better and had a grasp of what you wanted.

Oh well - we'll work at it until it's handled, lol. That's what this is all about, and if we have to cover the same subject 100 times until we all understand each others POV and can come to an agreement, then that's what it takes!

For those others reading this exchange - Anne and I are a little bothered that Violet more or less layed the groundwork for this whole thing and assured us that she was ok and on board, and then started having issues with feelig "lessened" by the new girl. I take strength in the fact that these feelings seem to vaporize when Anne shows up and they get to see each other. We discussed last night how going back and changing the dynamic would be devestating to both Anne and in the long run to our relationship, and that we needed to work it out from where we are ow, not where we were then. ANyway, we'll get through it - nobody involved doubts the love we all share or our desire to make it work. :)
 
^^^ See? This is why I love you, baby. And this attitude is why it will work, IMO. We'll cover it 1,000 times if that's what it takes. And I know you and Anne feel the same way.

We'll get it worked out, one way or another.
 
It's tough - I feel like HMA and Anne go running in the direction I said I was comfortable with, only to get tripped by a diamond filament invisible wire I didn't even know was there! I'm as shocked by it as they are! And when I go to start cutting at the filament, it's fucking diamond. And DAMN hard to get through.

That's a good description, and honestly, it was exactly this kind of filament that ended the relationship I was in. She didn't know it was there till it cut off all our legs. (or really cut off my legs and something else for them)

The trouble is that in the way it was set up, as half of the "established" couple, she was the only one that was allowed to have those filaments and all adjustments had to be based on her issues, thus disempowering me even further.

One of my good friends described a certain amount of equality this way: If the established partner said, "I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment, could you spend less time with our new partner so we can work on it?", could that situation be reversed where the new partner said, "I'm feeling insecure at the moment. Could you spend less time with your established partner so we can work on it?"

Honestly, from what I've been reading of yours and HMA's descriptions of the dynamic when Anne spends time with HMA, I would honestly have reasons to be insecure of that relationship if I was in Anne's place. But then again, I've just been burned, so I probably don't have the best perspective :)
 
That's a good description, and honestly, it was exactly this kind of filament that ended the relationship I was in. She didn't know it was there till it cut off all our legs. (or really cut off my legs and something else for them)

The trouble is that in the way it was set up, as half of the "established" couple, she was the only one that was allowed to have those filaments and all adjustments had to be based on her issues, thus disempowering me even further.

One of my good friends described a certain amount of equality this way: If the established partner said, "I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment, could you spend less time with our new partner so we can work on it?", could that situation be reversed where the new partner said, "I'm feeling insecure at the moment. Could you spend less time with your established partner so we can work on it?"

Honestly, from what I've been reading of yours and HMA's descriptions of the dynamic when Anne spends time with HMA, I would honestly have reasons to be insecure of that relationship if I was in Anne's place. But then again, I've just been burned, so I probably don't have the best perspective :)

Just for the record, I am INTENSELY glad for your input. As someone who is discovering "filaments", it's good for me to have the viewpoint of someone on the opposite end of the spectrum - ie, someone who has been burned and had their feet cut off by that exact thing. It's healthy. :eek:

I fully believe and want Anne to have the same freedom I do when it comes to spending time dealing with insecurities with HMA. It's important for her! Right now, my struggle is with making that sacrifice. She DOES need to spend time with him - and I need him too. I'm going from having unrestricted access to his support, to sharing it with someone else. It's tough for me. And I recognize fully - as he and I have been talking about - that a lot of that is my fault. I've been indulging in my insecurities based on past experiences I don't want to get into here.

Anne is more than welcome to have her own filaments, as is HMA. We've tripped on some of them already! I feel like we all need to be working on cutting and discovering filaments in this relationship. It hasn't been long at all for us, only about 3 weeks - and we're doing really really well with it. I think that discovering as many of these at the BEGINNING is healthiest. Better to find them and either cut them or step over them NOW rather than 5 years down the road when it will be WAAAAAAY harder.

Anne has every reason to feel insecure. I recognize that a lot of her insecurities are because of mine. She and I, combined with all three of us and my private conversations with HMA are helping to overcome that.
 
Having said what I said up there, I am rooting for our own home-team-triad of SG-AB-AL. If ANYONE "has what it takes" it is they who do.

AWWWWW Thanks YGirl! :D
That means a lot!
hehehe EVERYONE wants the Home team to win!
We're workin on it! There have been a couple challenges but we're facing them and overcoming them!



HMA, yup that would be us. Hello. Sunshinegrl and I are mostly the ones that post, although Aussiebloke comes and reads a bit. The three of us have quite a story, if you're interested, we've got bios up in life stories forum.


Balancing can be difficult.
With us, we've known and loved each other for 4 years and even though there was a lot of distance, and a bit of a break, we still came through it. We all want this to work and are working hard to make it do so.

It broke my heart for Coeli when I read this thread.

I hope HMA, Violet and Anne, you can find something that works for you.
 
I hope HMA, Violet and Anne, you can find something that works for you.

Thank you from all of us! It's always nice to feel supported. :D
 
I just signed up for the boards.Nice to be here.I wanted to just say that the post kari made on the thread about being a third really hit home for me thank you.Im not the third but Im also not poly. My wife is (recently out front with me about it) and I love her.I dont want to hurt her or her partner and I realize its up to me to take care of the woman I love.
 
One reason I like terms is that it kind of establishes some guidelines and perspectives for others experiencing and going through similar situations. I don't always think it's necessary to keep terms after relationships are established, but in the light of explaining to new people or asking for help from others, they can be helpful....

HML, violet and Anne-I'm not sure why you are calling your relationship a triad when it seems it's a "V?"

It seems that you have a "V" relationship which means that Anne is not a "unicorn." Which means that she is different from Ceoli.... I might be wrong on this, but I haven't heard you say anything about your love for her in terms of romantic love and connection....

In the "V" I am in my primaries love each other very much and we sometimes have engaged in sexual situations together. Their love is not romantic however but that of friends and comrades together in our poly situation. They spend time together as friends and discuss issues that come up without my being there. It is important that they do so or this would never work. We also spend a lot of time socializing together and always refer to all three of us when talking to our friends about invites to events etc.

The idea of a "third" in terms of a "V" is very different than in a triad it seems. It seems to denote that the members can go about having other relationships if they want to.... something different than a closed triad that is polyfi. I'm not sure why that is, it just seems to occur... :confused:

Perhaps if you were to clarify what each other means to each other then the division of where everyone stands would be clearer. Perhaps some terms would be useful to start out with and then promptly lose when it feels right to do so...
 
HML, violet and Anne-I'm not sure why you are calling your relationship a triad when it seems it's a "V?"

I was kind of wondering about that.


Perhaps if you were to clarify what each other means to each other then the division of where everyone stands would be clearer. Perhaps some terms would be useful to start out with and then promptly lose when it feels right to do so...


I don't see a division...just a dialogue and exchange of perspectives. But still a very good suggestion.
 
yes good point Ceoli.... I am going with what you are saying... "dialogue and exchange of perspectives" is a better way of putting it.... thanks :)
 
One of my good friends described a certain amount of equality this way: If the established partner said, "I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment, could you spend less time with our new partner so we can work on it?", could that situation be reversed where the new partner said, "I'm feeling insecure at the moment. Could you spend less time with your established partner so we can work on it?"

I don't want to sound bitter... but Amen to that. I absolutely respect the relationship between my partners, and I believe in them maintaining that relationship, but not at a cost to my own emotional well-being.

I used to think it was because I wanted to be put first. Not always, but occasionally. Then I would feel guilty about wanting to be put first. I knew what I was walking into when I entered this relationship. My partners were definitely an established couple, and I was the one who joined them.

I have come to realize it wasn't about me being first, it was about being a part of the relationship. That what I have to say has value and meaning. That my feelings are no less valid then anyone else in our relationship. For a very long time, I didn't think I had a voice, and sometimes still feel like I don't. It really sucks to be left guessing as to what the other is thinking. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings. But if those thoughts and feelings aren't expressed, then you are left to fill in the blanks.

I really feel your pain Coeli. I know that at anytime I could be facing the same situation as you.
 
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