Have you ever forgotten who you are?

berserker239

New member
I forget who the hell i am anymore, what i stand for, believe in, want, care for, etc. I feel like an empty shell. A shadow of my former self, watching my current self spiral into self destruction, helpless to stop the travesty unfolding before my fucking eyes.

Im lost, lost like i was 2 years ago, then i met a girl and everything came into clarity. Now shes gone and everything is out of focus. I see the way i treat people now and i just stopped caring. I smoke marijuana a hell of alot more than i used to. Now for completely different reasons. I lost interest in everything, I dont play games as much as i used to, i stopped playing guitar, stopped being social, stopped trying to make friends, i lost my religion. I dont know what i believe anymore. Nothing is true, everything turns out to be a lie.

I mean, shit, i act like i normally do, but inside i know that im dead. I think about trying to move on, trying to find a new woman to bring into my life, but its hard to be confident when you never had any self confidence in the first place. God i wish my people never became modernized and we still hunted buffalo with sticks and arrows...god it would be so much easier being a Cherokee in a whitemans world if it was still like that...but alas i cant be so lucky :D

How does one rediscover one's self?
 
I had to struggle with this kind of issue myself. Am still struggling sometimes. But you have to remember that youare not 'who' you ARE you are 'who' you CHOOSE to be. Make yourself into what you desire to be.

And eventually, things will focus. :)

((hugs)) hope things get better for you.
 
Nothing is true, everything turns out to be a lie.

How does one rediscover one's self?

If everything's a lie, then find the most useful lies and act as if they're true. Should they cease to be useful, find different lies.

Feeling some Meatloaf right about now:

"It's all or nothing
And nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out

"It's always something
There's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee
That's what this is all about

"It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie, and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back!"

I think once all the pieces have finished falling, you'll then be able to rebuild. That's what's worked for me in the past. I let it all fall down and then built something different.
 
If everything's a lie, then find the most useful lies and act as if they're true. Should they cease to be useful, find different lies.

Feeling some Meatloaf right about now:

Gotta love Meatloaf!

Im lost, lost like i was 2 years ago, then i met a girl and everything came into clarity. Now shes gone and everything is out of focus.
If this is the centre of your problem...I feel for you dude....I really do. People are nothing if not unreliable. Not stable enough to serve as a foundation for your own identity anyways. You need to find your own centre. There are places that can help you with that...and it sounds like you found one of them...

Thats the whole reason im joining. My recruiter missed our appointment and never called back so idk what im gonna do. Maybe just go down there. I hope your doing better, my friend.
Go down...and harp on them. If army recruiters will admire anything...it'll be a refusal to give up. Take the initiative and show the recruiter you want it. Drop the weed though...that'll bury your chances.
 
I appreciate everyone's comments and concerns. Maybe ill remember who i am, though i dont believe itll be anytime soon...
 
wow, that's a heavy bit to write, thanks for opening up and sharing that. I don't know what to say other than I know that feeling; I've been there and just reading your post sort of reminded me that maybe nothing matters at all, really. I feel like in those times, when you feel like you're "lost", you don't know anything, nothing matters, who you thought you were is now just an empty shell.... maybe that's the times when you're really NOT "lost", when you're really in touch with the way things really are, and when you've met a new girl who sweeps you up into bliss or you get involved in some games or social interaction... maybe THAT'S when you're actually "lost"... caught up in the illusions that life has to offer rather than facing the stark desert of reality.

It's a bit of a dark philosophy... but even thinking/believing along those lines doesn't preclude enjoying your life.

I doubt I've helped, but maybe in some way at least knowing you're not alone helps?
 
If everything's a lie, then find the most useful lies and act as if they're true. Should they cease to be useful, find different lies.

Feeling some Meatloaf right about now:

"It's all or nothing
And nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out

"It's always something
There's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee
That's what this is all about

"It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie, and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back!"

I think once all the pieces have finished falling, you'll then be able to rebuild. That's what's worked for me in the past. I let it all fall down and then built something different.

God there was a time I listened to that song OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND...
You get the picture.

Yes Berserker-I think many of us have been there. I know I have. It's hard to see through the haze of b.s. when it seems like the world is waiting to kick you AGAIN while you are down.

Unfortunately no amount of apologies from any of us are going to help either. Because somewhere inside of yourself-you have to find that small, barely beating heart, that tiny little spark of yourself that you can slowly, calmly stoke into a fire again.

Like "your people" did before you, you have to find that tiny little ember and nurse it along until it's safe and reasonable and useful to build another fire. Then you patiently let a few pieces of hair start to smolder, blow a light almost kiss like breath across the smoldering hair and add a little piece of straw or fuzz or grass. As the ember grows from a tiny little black warmth into a smoldering, smokey pile of fuzz you blow a little more-with more energy and add some more kindling, eventually you'll have a raging fire again and find your, as of yet unrealized, full potential.

Mind you-no woman is going to bring that to you. You'll have to find it yourself. But you can find it. Your posts show you have enough spit and vinegar in your to fight for it. Your post to Mono shows you also have the necessary compassion and heart to patiently nurse that ember. Be gentle with yourself.
 
Im lost, lost like i was 2 years ago, then i met a girl and everything came into clarity. Now shes gone and everything is out of focus.

I've always thought the idea behind "I'm nothing without you" is a really shitty sentiment. I understand loss, confusion and the pain of relationships breaking apart, but perhaps this is telling.

If you're making your relationships themselves the key part of your identity, you're putting who you are in the hands of others. Also, you're bound to doomed relationships; the don't survive without unique, autonomous individuals.

I forget who the hell i am anymore, what i stand for, believe in, want, care for, etc.

Find a cause, man. :) "Everything" is an awefully lot to discount. There's something, somewhere, you can be passionate about. Finding that thing might be a bit of work and it will certainly require some introspection, but once you find it you can build up from there. You'll meet people, friends, allies, confidants. Relationships blossom from there, and you'll have common things that bind you, not JUST the relationship.
 
Everyone has gone through this or will go through it at least once. It may not seem like things will EVER get better, but keep going through the motions every day and try to get involved in a hobby or something that pleases you which does not depend on other people (such as books, art, music, hiking, or even volunteer work, which involves people, but can be directed to a cause that focuses on something else, such as animals).
 
I appreciate everyone's comments and concerns. Maybe ill remember who i am, though i dont believe itll be anytime soon...

I didn't begin to remember the one time until I was in AIT. Painful (though amicable) divorce and I enlisted short after. I didn't even feel human again until I'd been in AIT for a couple of weeks.
 
I mean, shit, i act like i normally do, but inside i know that im dead.

....

How does one rediscover one's self?

Dude, you're living in an up-side-down world. The cuture, that is. It's quite mad. And so it's difficult to keep your own head and heart on straight, so to speak.

I recommend two things.:

(a) Give of yourself. To others. In any way you think fits with where you're at. Give of yourself for them, not for you. It doesn't matter if the others are human or animal or plant or mineral... but find a way to give. Learn to enjoy it. Follow it as a path of awakening.

(b) Practice sitting meditation at least once a day, if only for a few minutes each sit. Do it every day. No exceptions. Find a meditation teacher if you need one. (I recommend this book for hints and clues: http://www.shambhala.com/html/catalog/items/isbn/978-1-57062-232-8.cfm )
 
If you're making your relationships themselves the key part of your identity, you're putting who you are in the hands of others. Also, you're bound to doomed relationships; the don't survive without unique, autonomous individuals.


I wouldn't completely discount relationships as a way of defining oneself. It might not be healthy, but then again, maybe it is? I think one of the problems I see in my culture is that people are somewhat detached and super-independent; or at least they try to be.

I remember some psychology class I took that listed the various ways an individual can obtain power. One of those was through association with other people(like a sports fan wearing a Bulls jersey feels like a part of an athletic organization, even if they don't exercise, or a guy who has a g/f he is proud of/excited about). There are other forms, status (jobs/titles), Gestalt.. I forget the rest.

Point being, maybe it's okay to lose yourself in someone else a bit. Maybe that's part of what love is for some people. The big thing to remember is if something is damaging you, then try and find a way to change. (Which I think is sort of what Drunken Porcupine might be saying?)

I was talking this morning with my lover about this concept. You can drink alcoholic beverages morning, noon and night: that doesn't make you an alcoholic. What makes you an alcoholic is when it is damaging your life. When you miss work, when it impairs your functioning as a partner/parent/member of society.
 
“All of us know, whether or not we are able to admit it, that mirrors can only lie, that death by drowning is all that awaits one there. It is for this reason that love is so desperately sought and so cunningly avoided. Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within (p 95)”. -James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time
 
Berserker, I can tell you from the absolute bottom of my heart that there is always an up to every down. I've been down brother, so far my nails snapped back as I clawed myself out of a hole so deep and dark even hell would have seemed comforting.

I also was the one who cast myself down, breaking lives around me like branches on a tree I had fallen out of. There are scars so deep in those around me and in myself that I doubt they will ever stop tearing as I move forward.

But you know what..there are moments of such happiness and love that for brief instances the pain subsides and I see through the clouds of guilt and shame at hurting the people I love. In those moments I know there is a reason to open my eyes, to wake up and give as much of myself to the happiness of those that chose to have me in their lives.

One of those people who has chosen to have me in their life is me. I see good there, caring and a desire to help and love.

Don't ever be so selfish as to think those that will chose to have you in their lives don't deserve the chance to experience the good and love in you my friend. Ever. Nuff said.

Peace and love
Mono
 
If that sense of self is lost perhaps it's time to create a new one instead of trying to find the old one.
 
If that sense of self is lost perhaps it's time to create a new one instead of trying to find the old one.

Create? Yes. There is certainly an active part to play in getting on your own two feet. Or sitting on your own butt.... Or whatever.

But there is also the importance of simply allowing. Getting out of our own way where we can. Being in the "clearing" and waiting for the emergence.

Breathing happens without our willing it, as does the heart's work of pumping blood. The world goes round and round without our choosing. Stuff happens, and if we're there to notice it we can catch a wave we've never ridden when it shows itself as subtle ripples, almost imperceptible.

I'm not knocking the active creative process of self-becoming. And passive allowing doesn't work that well, either. There is effort in becoming our true unique expression of being. But just as often that effort involves letting go. Allowing.

Have you ever gone dancing and found yourself moving to the rhythm without even trying, then let go to find that the music literally DOES move you? That's it.

Have you taken time to notice that while you are breathing you are also being breathed?

Wake for the sunrise -- it moves all on its own, regardless.... Sunset no less beautiful, the praise of sunrise already ripe within it. And courage for pin prick stars.
 
Reading all of your posts and especially a select few, i see what you all mean. I lost who i am because i changed, im not who i was 2 years ago. I changed and i accept that, im a better person and i didnt even know it.

What made me realize it is that i had the chance to be with a girl ive loved for as long as ive known her but she was with one of my best friends. Well theyve been broken up and i couldve brough her here and been with her but instead, i analyzed their problem and fixed it. I brought them happiness instead of myself.

I realize that ill never be who i was because im not that person anymore. Im a different person and ill never change for anyone. Thanks everyone, i really appreciate it
 
Reading all of your posts and especially a select few, i see what you all mean. I lost who i am because i changed, im not who i was 2 years ago. I changed and i accept that, im a better person and i didnt even know it.

What made me realize it is that i had the chance to be with a girl ive loved for as long as ive known her but she was with one of my best friends. Well theyve been broken up and i couldve brough her here and been with her but instead, i analyzed their problem and fixed it. I brought them happiness instead of myself.

I realize that ill never be who i was because im not that person anymore. Im a different person and ill never change for anyone. Thanks everyone, i really appreciate it

Oh I am so impressed with you.. what a hard thing to go through. All these crap times in life are like gifts I think. They bring you closer to yourself and to those that really matter.

Good for you, giving really makes the heart stronger... and more often than not is comes back to you in the most amazing ways.

Glad your thoughts are shifting and you are moving forward. :)
 
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