Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

This is the big discussion for me. I know that some of my family will try to accept it. I have been this way my whole life but cannot live it. My children are teenagers. My hubby and I have found someone who we want to be with. We don't want to lose her but we have no doubt of the selfishness of asking her to be just a mistress. She so deserves more. I am afraid my boys cannot deal with it, or process it or whatever. Especially the 13 yr old, just such and akward age to begin with.
 
This is the big discussion for me. I know that some of my family will try to accept it. I have been this way my whole life but cannot live it. My children are teenagers. My hubby and I have found someone who we want to be with. We don't want to lose her but we have no doubt of the selfishness of asking her to be just a mistress. She so deserves more. I am afraid my boys cannot deal with it, or process it or whatever. Especially the 13 yr old, just such and akward age to begin with.

What would you be doing that your kids couldn't accept? Have they told you this was an issue?
 
hey polyshari got similar problem, my case I think the wheels are starting to come off due to an event of previous weekend. I'm thinking of handing out copies of the ethical slut, however I haven't actually read it myself. Big changes in the air here. I've got someone looking into the mental health coverage of my insurance as a fall back, or maybe a starting point not sure.
 
What I am doing is my poly hubby and I are leading a secret double life. We are very secure with each other and poly relationships. We did marry and start a family as a mono couple. Our children don't know anything different than us being mom and dad and lovers with one another. We have a girlfriend, she is our second poly relationship, the first one did not work.

My oldest son has grown up with a good friend in the neighborhood who's family arrangement consists of the mom and her lesbian lover plus dad still lives there, although they are divorced. I think he would take it better than the other 2. Additionally, we have good friends who are lesbian. Even though we consider them good friends I do hear my boys making jokes about the lesbian couples. I do remind that they are responsible good people who do good things and take good care of one another. However we do live in a very conservative town and state, with a dominant religious (and sexually repressive) structure. I have not discussed this with my children at all. I am just scared.

My Mormon parents and siblings will be apalled. But their disaproval is not what will stop me.
 
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What I am doing is my poly hubby and I are leading a secret double life. We are very secure with each other and poly relationships. We did marry and start a family as a mono couple. Our children don't know anything different than us being mom and dad and lovers with one another. We have a girlfriend, she is our second poly relationship, the first one did not work.

Most kids, especially teenagers don't even want to consider that their parents have sex with each other, much less anyone else. So unless you are "doing it" with the girlfriend right under their nose:eek: (which I doubt would ever happen in any case), they probably won't even think twice about you guys having a close friend visit all the time. I don't agree that you need to exclude her from your lives and live a "double life", but there are ways to be descrete.

Sure, they may start forming their own conclussions eventually and if they start asking questions, give them honest answers and encourage them to ask more questions. Just my opinion.

We have a close friend (my husbands Non-Sexual Partner), she has been a part of our lives for years and not once have my kids even speculated that more was going on other than friendship. Other adults have, but not the kids. There's no sex or anything physical, but there is an emotional attachment.

It's true that our kids see more than we think they do, but they also don't tend to react to stuff unless it negatively effects them. They do tend to follow our lead in what is acceptable and what is not. If we hide it, they will think there is something to be ashamed of.


I am just scared.

Understandable.
 
My hubby and I have found someone who we want to be with. We don't want to lose her but we have no doubt of the selfishness of asking her to be just a mistress. She so deserves more. I am afraid my boys cannot deal with it, or process it or whatever.

Well, she would not really be a mistress. That term implies cheating in a monogamous relationship. Is there a reason you think of it that way? She would be part of your poly relationship, hopefully with communication, and honesty at its core (and openness at the level at which you feel safe in your community). Perhaps your fears about how the kids will react are more related to the judgments that might come from the community. It's tough to feel like you're doing something wrong in other people's eyes. But if you and your husband personally have resolved your own issues or come to good terms with yourselves about being involved with a third person, before you act on what you want and introduce your family to a new person, I do believe your sense of okayness with it will be conveyed to your children when you do speak to them about it.
 
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I don't think of her that way (a mistress) however, the secrecy does put her in a very similar position. I find myself sounding like a cheating spouse when I say things like. "You are so important to me..but...we can't be in the open". I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. I am frustrated with it as well (again sounding like a cheating spouse). Hubby and I get to live together every day 24-7. She does not get to participate that to the fullest, and she has mentioned wanting to have a family. I know what she wants, and I want to give it to her. It is just a huge leap to come out of the closet. I don't want to flip my kids world on end. Again especially the 13 year old, he is at an akward point in his life and trying to figure out who he is, now he has to understand what the heck is going on with mom and dad.

I am not ashamed of myself. I went through all of that guilt crap when I was younger and one day I just said, I am not living my life based on guilt any more. Practicing the religion of my father seemed completely unatural, it always had. Besides, my great great grand father (mom is very proud of ancestral roots that connect her to the original leaders of the Mormon Church) had 13 wives, HELLO???? That was all about property and Patriarchal rule.

I just didn't start to have poly relationships until after I became a mom so my kids weren't raised with it around them. I don't know anyone else who is either. My kids do know me as someone who respects the individual rights of others. This is The US of A after all.
 
If I may-I haven't read your every post.

But, we came out poly Sept 2009.
At that point my kids were
to days from turning 18, 13, 12, 9, 2 years respectively.

None of the kids freaked out. There were questions. The oldest rolled her eyes-but she's MY daughter and lived with my bizarre life so that was it.

The 13 is my stepson and he was raised believing that gay was wrong and pretty much out of the norm was wrong AND I was wrong too-so we expected flack from him. He seemed more relieved to know we were being upfront and honest than anything else.

The 12 is my Godson and he was raised in a VERY strict religious setting believing that damn near everything was wrong. He wanted more information and wanted to read about poly.

The 9 year old was a breeze. He said, "sounds like love to me mom. I mean, love isn't limitable anyway.."

The youngest doesn't know any different.

Usually-kids know more than we think they do. Regardless of what you decide, lying to kids is something that TENDS to backfire in the long run. Easier at times in the short run, but generally smacks us down as parents in the long run.

Good luck!!

(I have mormon family too-ironically, they didn't care).
 
Our LB knows that he is loved and that is it really. Kids worlds usually revolve around them. He knows that mumma has a husband, his dad and a boyfriend and that we can all have love in our hearts for as many people as we want. Derby he knows is special to me and that she is also in my heart and I love her... He knows I love many people and I frame all my connections in terms of that, not sex. I love my ex wife, I love Leo, I love Dexy... my ex-tersiary (complicated I know)... I love many people and that is expressed in different ways that are agreed upon, are above board and are talked about ahead of time.

I know all that sounds rather hippish, but he is seven, so there ya go, it makes sense to him. I am wondering if this can't be fashioned in some way for a 13 year old. Your kids are living in mainstream society, all they know is mono relationships, but not in terms of definition. They know it in terms of what you present to them... present something different to them and be confident in that and they will think its the norm... be all weird about it and they will not only think you are weird but that it isn't okay... and it IS okay!
 
Thanks for all the advice and good will. I am considering it all, and then re reading now and then to see how it sounds after I have time to for thought and consideration. Some makes sense and some doesn't. I'll post again when I have questions or make a decision. Thank The Gods that there are people in this world who know that love is not limited.
 
Kids are sooo clever...

Our oldest daughter (3 years old now) always called her mother "momma" and me by my real name (well, the nick name by which her parents call me). About one or two months ago she started to call me "mommy" all by herself. No one encouraged her to do that, but you could tell she often was confused when calling for me like this "momm... erm [add my real name here]". So she decided to make things easier by addressing her mothers as "momma" and "mommy" respectively - clear to her, clear to everyone... and brilliant if you ask me :D

I just wanted to share this very nice experience with children growing up in a triad family. :)
 
My 28 year old daughter just found out about us yesterday and basically said she is disowning me until this is over. :( ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................AND.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. she told my mother. :confused:
 
Carma, just remember something you posted in another thread awhile back:

I sometimes think I'm crazy for this endeavor, but I'm realizing, no -- it's a world that tries to put limits on love, that is what's crazy.

It's her loss if she actually disowns you. My guess, however, is that she might give you the deep freeze for a while, but would probably eventually come around if she stops to see how happy you are.
 
Carma, wow, that's tough. Sorry it went so badly, coming out to her! Ever see those vids for queer ppl "It Gets Better"? Check youtube. Similar to coming out gay, families can need some time to adjust. Sometimes a few months, usually a year, sometimes much longer. She'll probably get used to it sooner or later.
 
My 28 year old daughter just found out about us yesterday and basically said she is disowning me until this is over. :( ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................AND.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. she told my mother. :confused:

Your 28 year old is an adult and so are you.... and so is your mother.

Just saying...

We're all someone's child but at some point we have to STOP ACTING LIKE CHILDREN.
 
That's harsh Carma.

I remember the moment I realized that my parents were people too. I was on my own, and so were they. Now it goes the other way sometimes and I take care of them! For a time we were equal though... it was a "right of passage" for want of a better term, that happened when I came out to them as Lesbian. Maybe your daughter has reached this. Her reaction seems to indicate the fact that she had glorified who her parents are and now they are just humans doing their thing.

I remember my own disappointment about that when my parents reacted to my news in a way that was not how they usually react to others outside of our family. They are usually very accepting. I was slapped in the face with the news that I had to actually do some educating and work around our relationship together...

:( hard stuff... I feel for you. keep us updated? How did your mum take it?
 
Patience, Carma, and steadfastness. You're not doing anything wrong, no one else gets to live your life for you, and if you allowed her to steal your joy it would end up hurting the both of you, whether she realizes it or not. I would just keep living my life the way that made me happy and hope that eventually she will start to realize that, at the very least, she misses you.

I hope I'm being helpful, but I'll share my story with you. When I was in my 20's I found out that my best friend had an open relationship. It shocked me, and I was judgmental, but I still tried to be a good friend. (I think I failed because I was judgmental, but I tried to hide it and I was kind in other areas so maybe I wasn't a completely horrible friend.) The thing that made it hard for me was that her SO started to throw in my face how awful monogamy is and what an outdated concept it is and what a TERRIBLE person I am because I "forced" my husband to be monogamous. This went on for years and I hated him and I hated polyamory and I couldn't hear anything good he said because I was still hurting too much from the rotten things he said to me. For 17 years I hated polyamory because he was so rotten to me, and I couldn't really like it even after I saw my friend happy with her other partners because every time I would start to soften, along came the SO with his hate.

Then two things happened: my friend and her SO split up, so I stopped seeing him on a regular basis, and I started developing a relationship with my current sweeties. So simply put, the hate stopped and some love started. Over time I softened enough that I could embrace the concept that would allow me to be in a relationship with the three people I love. (You should have seen the look on my friend's face when I told her. It was completely out of character for the person she knew.)

The convoluted point I'm trying to make is: You catch more flies with sugar than vinegar. Be firm in taking care of yourself, but let yourself be the mom who loves her, too. She is more likely to find a way to embrace your lifestyle if you are filled with love and joy.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope it's short-lived and leaves everyone grown a little bit when it's gone.
 
Children

Poly and Kids- step, biological, adopted, grown kids, little kids, I just have two simple questions.

How have you handled it and what has worked well? What really, really didn't work well, either?

We've got a complicated situation and I think we've rolled with punches pretty well so far, all things considered. But I'd really like to hear other families' experiences.
 
With love. My blog details all sorts of things about our poly family.
We have step, adopted, grandkid, bio kids in a quad. :)

Just love them, be honest, up front and open and the rest works itself out.
 
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