Wide Awake

I've seen far too many people switch back from one to the other. It's certainly possible, because it happens. And a lot of folks never look back.

In this particular thread, obviously someone's going to crack, eventually. Probably Matt or the OP, based on how they handle conflict. Si just has to sit back and wait for it.

That may be true of people who started out mono, but those of us who have never lived monogamously have a harder time of it. The longest I have ever been able to stay mono was 2 years and 4 months and that only meant I wasn't dating anyone else. I was still making out with my female friends on a fairly regular basis. But neither Runic Wolf or I thought that counted when we were 16-18 years old. In the 13 years that we have been married there has always been someone else for one or both of us be it FWB or a full blown relationship. He recently said that he sometimes wished it were different, that I loved only him, but I had to gently remind him that I am not capable of that and never have been. I had to remind him that before I knew about poly, before he and I met, I regularly dated two guys at once until I was able to let the one I liked least go easily, because my religious upbringing said I had to choose.
 
One thing that I don't think Matt understands in all of this is you can't just tell someone to stop loving someone else. Ry and Si's feelings for each other are real. They're not just going to magically go away because Matt doesn't want to share his wife any more.

Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe she needed a break from spending time with her husband; needed a bit of girl time away from him and his family? To suddenly go from living near her family to living thousands of miles away near his family is a huge change. I bet Matt would be happy if she didn't make any friends and spent her while life focused solely on him and the children, but that wouldn't be fair to Ry. She's worlds away from home, ofcourse she reached out to a friendly face. Yeah, she fell back into old habits, but I really don't believe that it's ever possible to put the poly genie back in the bottle. Once you've known multiple love, you can never go back to being mono, thinking mono, etc and for Ry, who has never been mono before, it has to be doubly hard to try to adjust. It's like asking a mono person to be poly. I really hope that you find a balance that works for everyone.

He does not care if I have friends or go out. It is only my ex. Her presence on his radar is a trigger. Think of when someone is in the hospital. You know how when someone is in distress, and they are being monitored? Think of how their heart rate escalates when someone walks in the room and causes it to spike. Perhaps it was someone who abused them or that person stirred up negative memories. That is how it is with him. When there is no mention of her and she has zero presence in his world, he is at a resting rate. The second something happens that involves her, it is another story. When she is mentioned in counselling, his body language tells it all. It is something about her, and our therapist is trying to find out what it is. However, he is like a person of interest who has lawyered up and decided not to say a word.

Let me tell you how I know it is just an issue with my ex. I went to the Pink concert last night with some of my new colleagues and a couple of new acquaintances. After, we had drinks and just socialised. He encouraged me to live a little and go out because I was with our children all day. The only thing he texted and asked was when I would be home? He only wanted to know so he could set the alarm accordingly. He was still awake when I got in. He asked about my night and if I had enjoyed myself? That was the extent of it. Now, if I had went out with Si, it would not have happened like that.

Transitioning to living mono was an adjustment. I am enjoying not living by a schedule/calendar. I am enjoying the spontaneity that I was missing. I am enjoying certain aspects. I am happy, and all of my needs are being met and surpassed. It is different to sleep in our bed every night. It is different to have more available time for my children and DH. Everything I did with my children yesterday would ordinarily have never happened. I would not have had the time. It is different to not always be in motion and wondering about who needs what or wants what. The time spent I once spent with her is now spent with my family or much needed alone time. I enjoy just reading a book and having tea. I enjoy going antique shopping and pampering myself. I am enjoying having time for myself and not squeezing it in between nursing, ballet recitals, date nights, work, family commitments, and the laundry list of responsibilities I had. It is different but a welcome change.
 
FullofLove1052, I wonder if you might not be in a subconscious mourning phase for losing your relationship with Si? Every time you try to have a little of the old times with Si, there's Matt, afterwards, with his angry words and expressions, and you realize (again) that you can't have the life with Si that you used to. Si keeps getting pushed further and further onto the back burner. Now she will only have electronic contact with you (texts and that). It looks as if your relationship with Si is dying. I would expect you to be in a period of mourning about that.

I feel for all three of you in this situation. I can see how you would all three feel rejected, left out, etc. ... There must be some guilt at continually giving Si less and less of you. I share your sense of mourning in that sense. You are truly between a rock and a hard place.

No, I am not in mourning. I cannot even say I am sad. I am at peace. I had to make peace with what my life has come to. I dug this grave for myself, so complaining will do no one any good. I could stand in the hole and scream and bitch, but who is really going to hear it? There is no way this will ever be a healthy dynamic. It is simply impossible, and I have come to terms with that. It has taken 17 weeks to do so, but I am okay. I made the decision I saw fit to make: cutting her off, and I have pulled the plug on any poly related counselling sessions. It is a moot point.
 
Maybe you didnt want to spend a day with Matt's mom after she spent time asking Si difficult questions?


OTOH, maybe you're a privileged and spoiled little rich girl who wants all the candy. Your recount of the over the top party for your daughter (what 4 year old needs a full on spa day for her and several friends, AND shopping in a pink limo, AND lunch at a fancy restaurant, AND a fashion show AND shoot? Whatever happened to pizza, cake and ice cream at home with a few simple party games?)

And then you get your own party thrown by your parents, which exceeds the WEDDING parties of most people, just as a going away party.

It sounds like the lifestyle of a nouveau riche rapper that one would see on MTV.

Now I understand, you're on Matt's home turf. He's Australian! His critical mom is right there in your face! So, off you go to something that is yours, your gf, for an entire day. "Take THAT, MIL and Matt!"

Fucking things up with Matt all over again.

But never mind, you've got museums and zoos and shows coming up. $$$ will fix everything.

Money has nothing to do with this. Could I live off daddy's money and be set? Of course. Money does not fix everything because if it did, none of this would be a problem. Yet, it is. No amount of money can or will fix it. I created this monster.

I was not trying to stick it to Matt or my MIL. She lives in another part of the country, so I will not be seeing her every day. I have no desire to do that. She came to help for the week and to see our children. For the first time in 11.5 years of marriage, I was on good terms with her. This weekend did not blow over well with her. She did not say much, but she is disappointed in me.

And yes, I spent all of Monday with my children at museums, shows, and doing things with them. We moved to a new place, so yes, I do want them to experience new things. Was the day over the top? No. I have already said that I am not cut out to be a stay at home mum, so getting out of the house was a must. Matt was at work, and the city is very child-friendly. I prefer to get them involved in things with other children and encourage my oldest to be active. We went to a Disney themed morning tea, Chinese Museum for a treasure hunt, Snow White pantomime, Disney on Ice, and had lunch at an organic cafe. We made it home around 4:30. Just in time for them to take naps, while I started on dinner. These are things that they would have likely done with Nanny J. Sitting at home playing video games, watching television, and eating themselves silly does not appeal to me.
 
Wealth or poverty doesn't define emotions or ethics or the ability to suffer. However, I do think the OP wants to have her cake and eat it too, but that's most people. Just makes her a bit immature. Again, like most people. In this case after following this thread for a while, the patterns are clear and the reasons for all the repeated issues are as well. There's very little left to contemplate, except for re-looping the same comments and issues over and over. The OP gets the logic, but lacks conviction in what she wants to do. No mystery about why.

I have to disagree with that. I cannot have the cake and eat it, too. I actually do not want to. IMC, it is either or. Matt or Si. I have been in this belief bubble of thinking that there was some way it would work out. Listening to people and their BS about giving it time. It has been weeks shy of five months, so holding on to that notion is a set-up for failure. I do not trust my judgement. I do not trust myself to balance a relationship. I do not trust myself to be able to handle two lives. I do not want to either.

The bubble has been popped, and I have accepted that a healthy dynamic is not possible. I cannot keep putting my marriage through this. At some point, you just have to ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" My answer now is a resounding hell no. What am I fighting for again? I am exhausted, and I know that I need to back away for good. Functional poly is not in my cards. I am dealing with it and leaving it at that. I can be anything I want to be, but practising it again is not going to happen. I have made it clear that I am not leaving my marriage for something I have even described as something that is not a need. It is a choice. I guess I have made my choice.
 
I am not entirely sure if there was another way to handle things, but I have cut ties with my ex. This situation was unhealthy for all involved for numerous reasons. Clearly, my judgement is questionable, and I will never learn if I have a enabler of sorts in my life. She knew about the family day because I told her. In a scenario like that, I probably would want someone to tell me, "No, I can see you later. Go be with your family." I do not blame her for that. I should have known better. At church #1 on Sunday, it was said, "When you know better, you should do better." I knew better, and I still did not do it. In figuring out if it was worth it, I have to say no because I just caused a shit load of problems in my marriage in a moment of weakness. I missed out on priceless moments with my children. Did they take pictures? Yes, but it was not the same as seeing it live and in colour.

Did I need a break from my family? Actually, no. The ratio was 4:2. There were a few times throughout the week where Matt was like, "Go do something for yourself. I am taking them to lunch and to an art class, music playgroup, or to get hot chocolate." I had several breaks, so I was not burned out from being around him or our children. I was not even burned out from being around my MIL. I spent one full day with her. The other days we did certain things throughout the week like afternoon tea or lunch.

I know my DH's triggers, and yet, I keep pushing them. I know what he has been through, and my level of empathy has been questioned by our therapist. She thinks that I am not fully grasping the magnitude of what I did. She wants me to own up to it and take responsibility. I am being held accountable. I know what I/we did and how much of a role we played in things being the way they are now. I was in denial. "Oh, it was not that bad." Oh, it will get better in due time." It was that bad, and it was not just going to get better in time.

I am sorry about how things have worked out. All I can do is apologise to her. When this recovery journey began, I had faith that it would one day work out. I also had faith that we would be able to get back together. I know otherwise, and I hope she does not believe that I lead her on with no intentions of following through. It hurt me to break her heart again. I really have no idea what else to say.
 
Sorry about the (final) break-up, for what it's worth. It sounds like it was for the best under the circumstances, but I know you didn't want to do that to Si.
 
I have to disagree with that. I cannot have the cake and eat it, too. I actually do not want to. IMC, it is either or. Matt or Si. I have been in this belief bubble of thinking that there was some way it would work out. Listening to people and their BS about giving it time. It has been weeks shy of five months, so holding on to that notion is a set-up for failure. I do not trust my judgement. I do not trust myself to balance a relationship. I do not trust myself to be able to handle two lives. I do not want to either.

The bubble has been popped, and I have accepted that a healthy dynamic is not possible. I cannot keep putting my marriage through this. At some point, you just have to ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" My answer now is a resounding hell no. What am I fighting for again? I am exhausted, and I know that I need to back away for good. Functional poly is not in my cards. I am dealing with it and leaving it at that. I can be anything I want to be, but practising it again is not going to happen. I have made it clear that I am not leaving my marriage for something I have even described as something that is not a need. It is a choice. I guess I have made my choice.

For what it's worth, I hope I am wrong in my opinion above. After the back and forth in this thread over the last few months, I didn't want to read about it much anymore. Living it though....hard to imagine it. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.
 
For what it's worth, I hope I am wrong in my opinion above. After the back and forth in this thread over the last few months, I didn't want to read about it much anymore. Living it though....hard to imagine it. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

*shrug* I created this, so I have no one to blame but myself. There was no back and forth. I let go of the hope that it could ever be again. I could have saved many headaches and months if I had let that go in the beginning. I knew what it was, and I still wanted the outcome to be different. My decisions. My choices. My [continued] actions. There was no one who could stop this from spiralling any further than me. I may have hurt her, but I would rather do that than have to rise from the ashes again. Shit happens and life goes on. You live and you learn.
 
Sorry about the (final) break-up, for what it's worth. It sounds like it was for the best under the circumstances, but I know you didn't want to do that to Si.

No need to apologise. It is what it is. This was bound to happen, and it did.
 
per request:

As I see it Ry, you have trouble with intimacy. You avoid your husband. You give your gf chunks of time and then it's off to work! To the gym! Teas! Mani pedis! Posting almost daily and in great detail here on the board. Then Beyonce, Disney, nightclubs, it just never stops.

You've got a full time job and a nanny to keep you from spending time with your young children. You don't nurse your baby, you pump your milk and let Nanny give it to him in a bottle.

And you've admitted in the recent past, even when you're with Matt, you used to be on your phone texting and not really present for him.

No sooner had you given birth (after a high risk pregnancy no less) than you were off and running to a dozen countries for symposia or whatever for your career.

It seems like you are constantly running from one person to another to avoid really being present for anyone. And then distracting yourself with spending money in between. Packets of money. Thousands and thousands of pounds, now dollars.

Yes, you are terrible at "polyamory" and you shouldn't do it. Don't see Si, and in fact, I'd recommend you stop with all the fucking texting and emailing too. You've got 2 kids-- babies!-- you've got a long long suffering husband, you've got the demanding career. Take time and really enjoy your man's voice, his sex, his humor. Learn to cuddle. Take time to really enjoy your kids, they grow up so fast.

Let Si go so she can get used to her new home, city, job, country, make new connections, friends, maybe even a new partner who doesn't have a neglected husband breathing down her neck. God, he fucking hates her. Let her be.

You say things were good before the kids came along. It's obvious you can't handle kids AND a marriage, AND another relationship now. So. Stop it.
 
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per request:

As I see it Ry, you have trouble with intimacy. You avoid your husband. You give your gf chunks of time and then it's off to work! To the gym! Teas! Mani pedis! Posting almost daily and in great detail here on the board. Then Beyonce, Disney, nightclubs, it just never stops.

It does stop. I keep myself busy, though. I dislike being idle. It is hard for me to not be at work right now. Being at stay at home mother is challenging for me. It is not that I do not love my children and want to spend oodles of time with them. I just desire grown-up interaction and a break from the laundry, the schedules, and the every day. I will never be a woman who can devote her all to home. It is not in me.

I am so conditioned to working or being busy Now, I am finished with school, my fellowship, and I have no idea what to do with myself. It was weird spending a full day with my children. I cannot remember the last time I did that. I had my son, and I was still working on my fellowship from home. The research side of it. It kills me inside to be idle. Relaxing? New for me. I posted on here to vent because DH was usually at work, on call, or distancing himself from me. My fellow Sloanies and friends did not understand my want for poly in my life. It has always been a foreign concept to them. I found something to fill my free time in the form of going out, joining a yoga class, going to concerts, and trying to force myself to relax. I am the only poly person in my group of close friends. Now social acquaintances is different. I would never feel comfortable confiding in them.

You've got a full time job and a nanny to keep you from spending time with your young children. You don't nurse your baby, you pump your milk and let Nanny give it to him in a bottle.

The nanny is not to stop me from spending time with my children. I never wanted a nanny. I was almost sure I wanted to put my children in nurseries until their paediatrician talked me out of it. We both work full-time, so someone had to watch them while we worked. I was going to put my son in a nursery here until we were told it would be $32k for a one year old. So keeping the nanny it was.

And you've admitted in the recent past, even when you're with Matt, you used to be on your phone texting and not really present for him.

It was not all the time, though. I was on my laptop, too. Work had to be done. It was not to ignore him and not be present. He never saw the phone on date nights or what was established quality time. Now, if we were watching a movie, there were times when he would be on his iPad or phone, too.

It seems like you are constantly running from one person to another to avoid really being present for anyone. And then distracting yourself with spending money in between. Packets of money. Thousands and thousands of pounds, now dollars.

I probably do have a spending problem. I am not a heavy drinker. I am not a gambler. I do not smoke, but I do love shoes and handbags. One of the reno requests was for the expansion of the master closet. It was expanded by 140 sq. m. We needed more space. He is still fussing about that. I am now under another shoe ban.

My daughter's party was steeply discounted because my friend owns the company, so while it may have cost 500+ gbp for anyone else, it was a fraction of that because we knew her.

Yes, you are terrible at "polyamory" and you shouldn't do it. Don't see Si, and in fact, I'd recommend you stop with all the fucking texting and emailing too. You've got 2 kids-- babies!-- you've got a long long suffering husband, you've got the demanding career. Take time and really enjoy your man's voice, his sex, his humor. Learn to cuddle. Take time to really enjoy your kids, they grow up so fast.

I agree with you. I know I have two small children, and they do grow up fast. I have tweaked my career, so it is not nearly as demanding. That is why I have spent three years going a few steps further. I wanted to make sure that I had more time for my children. It was not fair to them to see me an hour or however long per day because ridiculously long hours kept me away. I worked my ass off to make sure that would never be my reality again.

I am enjoying my DH. I love his voice and his accent. Every morning, we spend at least hour together. We do the same thing at night. The first night in the house, we cuddled in front of the fireplace and had a couple of glasses of wine. My phone was upstairs, and I was not worried about. Our children were sleeping peacefully, and we were able to focus on us.

You say things were good before the kids came along. It's obvious you can't handle kids AND a marriage, AND another relationship now. So. Stop it.

Yes, things were good. Actually great. I was not travelling all the time. I was bound by school and work commitments, so there was no chance for any of this. The first six years of our marriage were highly uneventful, which is why things were great.

I actually do not have the time for another relationship. I am going to be tied up with ballet, playgroups, meetings with the Parent Association, work, and everything else.

Thank you, Mags.
 
Sigh... you just defended yourself and made excuses for almost everything I mentioned. Spend more time thinking it over, Ry.

We all know why you have a nanny. That doesn't excuse you from being a mother. Princess Di probably spent more time with her kids than you do. :p
 
Sigh... you just defended yourself and made excuses for almost everything I mentioned. Spend more time thinking it over, Ry.

We all know why you have a nanny. That doesn't excuse you from being a mother. Princess Di probably spent more time with her kids than you do. :p

Sigh, this is probably in no way constructive. This is a passionate blog with a lot of topics that hit home for folks. But c'mon, why persist?
 
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How much time am I supposed to spend with my children? I have no desire to spend every waking hour with them. It is unreasonable to expect me not to want any adult interaction. My husband is at work right now, so who am I supposed to talk to? The 4.5 year old and the 1 year old? We are at home right now, and my daughter is in her room playing--by herself. If she really wanted to be around me or her brother, she could come in here. That is not what she wants right now. I cannot force her to be around me.

Maybe my parenting style is really supposed to be like some of my former neighbours. The ones who shipped their children off to some boarding school in the States from 7-18, saw them on the occasional term break, and pawned them off on the nannies while they soaked up the sun in the Cote d'Azur. Then, they wonder the children are in a psychiatrist's office, why they ran to the nannies over them during Christmas, and why the people who really raised them get more respect than they, as the biological parents, will ever get. That is shirking responsibility and allowing other people to raise your children. I have done nothing of the sort, and I have zero intentions of ever doing that or being a long-distance parent.
 
Sigh, this is probably in no way a constructive. This is a passionate blog with a lot of topics that hit home for folks. But c'mon, why persist on the offensive?

Monkey, if you read my long post, you'll see it's prefaced with "per request." Ry PMed me asking for advice.
 
I cannot be a SAHM. There is only so much play time I can take. I am sure many people could find the silver lining in staying at home all day with their children. I am not one of those people. I have never felt maternal. I love my children, but I am not maternal. I guess that is why it took me six years for my ovaries to twitch. There is only so much cleaning to be done. The laundry was washed, dried, and put up before 12. The floors were spotless. All of the toys were put up and out of the way. My daughter automatically puts her toys up when she is done playing with them. She is a mini version of me. I rarely watch television, and when I did today, wag central aka Made in Chelsea was on. After I lost a few brain cells with MiC, I cooked lunch for the little ones, played with them for awhile, and they went to sleep for two hours. While they were sleep, I started on dinner. To breathe life in to the modern day Stepford wife, I wore an apron, a dress, heels while cooking. I could not greet my DH after a long day at work in shorts, slippers, and a t-shirt. I greeted DH at the door with a warm, "Hello Dear. How was your day?" His cheeky was response was, "Should I be scared?"" Before we had the conversation about how his day was, as a dutiful little wife, I asked if he wanted something to drink? We had a 30 minute conversation about how our respective days were. After that, he went upstairs to take a shower while I set the table for dinner. We had dinner as the perfect little family of four. All we need is a dog and a station wagon to complete this family portrait.

As far as me officially breaking things off with Si, do you know there was no fanfare from DH? He shrugged it off and in not so many words asked what he was supposed to say in response? That is right. After all of the drama, he was indifferent. I was expecting fireworks and him to dance like a character from Fame. His response was dry as Kim Kardashian's snatch in that sex tape with Ray-J. No emotion behind it. I thought he would be happy. This seemed to be what he was fighting for. Maybe I read him wrong. I have no clue how to take his response.

I am going to go spend some time with my DH, so I can be sleep by 11. I am sure tomorrow will be just as exciting as today was.
 
A couple of things. On the parenting thing, there are all different kinds of parents, I understand. Personally, as much as I loved working I loved most when I could take kids with me to work, I took them everywhere with me and didn't work until at least two of the three were in school. I am totally an attachment parent, not because I read the books, just because that's how I work. I love being around for my kids and am a very physically affectionate person that is always holding, cuddling, singing to, and joking with my kids even now as teenagers. My SIL on the other hand, not so 'warm, maternal, cuddly' a mother. She has worked through her pregnancies and the kids growing up. She lets her hubby do more of the one on one stuff with the kids. Is she a worse mother than me? Not at all. You couldn't be a SAHM mom, so what?

I DO think that you need to remember they are kids though, not small adults! What hit me was that you were home with your children and if they wanted you they would come to you. Ummmm, they are both under five. They aren't articulate or self aware enough to leave the barbies and come into the room to say, "Mommy, I would like more time with you." You want adult interaction, trust me so do us SAHMs! Try being IN THE MOMENT when you are with the kids! Instead of assuming if they want you they'd let you know and wondering when you get to go back to adult time. Those tiny moments of sitting down to play with your kids, showing them that on your days or time off you want to do something WITH them, will make a difference! Saying, "Okay, mommy needs some quiet time now." also helps them as they grow up to learn there is a time and a place. Sometimes that time and place is not now and everyone needs time to themselves.

Now, to the break up with Si. Wow, just wow. Why are you doing this? Is it really because you want to work on your marriage and realize you have boundary issues with another relationship? You sounded, just, bitter, that Matt wasn't jumping for joy? Your post read like, "Hey! I just did what you wanted! I know I've said I would before but I mean it this time! So where is my positive reinforcement? Where is my praise for the sacrifice I am making for you? Why aren't you being appreciative?"

Words have power and the whole dry as someone's snatch was harsh. I don't like any kardashian's but DAMN!

As someone who entered poly the wrong way, when I finally realized what an asshat I was with certain boundaries, I made the changes but not for praise and I sure as hell didn't get fireworks or dancing. I got incredulous or wary looks. Actions speak louder than words and he was waiting for actions, long term ones that showed real change, not just me saying what he'd been waiting months or years to hear.
 
A couple of things. On the parenting thing, there are all different kinds of parents, I understand. Personally, as much as I loved working I loved most when I could take kids with me to work, I took them everywhere with me and didn't work until at least two of the three were in school. I am totally an attachment parent, not because I read the books, just because that's how I work. I love being around for my kids and am a very physically affectionate person that is always holding, cuddling, singing to, and joking with my kids even now as teenagers. My SIL on the other hand, not so 'warm, maternal, cuddly' a mother. She has worked through her pregnancies and the kids growing up. She lets her hubby do more of the one on one stuff with the kids. Is she a worse mother than me? Not at all. You couldn't be a SAHM mom, so what?

I am not that attached. I can be warm but maternal I am not. My DH is different. He is more attached, attentive, more affectionate, more in to the one-on-one bonding thing, and he engages in the conversations about Barbies, has tea parties with her, and relates to her on a level that I have never been able to. I know Matt is closer to her than I am. It is not for lack of trying. I feel like I am forcing what should come naturally. I feel like my maternal wiring is cut. It saddens me to watch them interacting because I do not have that with her. The crazy part is my daughter is very affectionate. She came up to me yesterday and just gave me a hug. She asked me, "Are you okay?" She kisses me on the cheek all the time, but contact is almost always initiated by her. I am working on strengthening my bond with her.

I DO think that you need to remember they are kids though, not small adults! What hit me was that you were home with your children and if they wanted you they would come to you. Ummmm, they are both under five. They aren't articulate or self aware enough to leave the barbies and come into the room to say, "Mommy, I would like more time with you." You want adult interaction, trust me so do us SAHMs! Try being IN THE MOMENT when you are with the kids! Instead of assuming if they want you they'd let you know and wondering when you get to go back to adult time. Those tiny moments of sitting down to play with your kids, showing them that on your days or time off you want to do something WITH them, will make a difference! Saying, "Okay, mommy needs some quiet time now." also helps them as they grow up to learn there is a time and a place. Sometimes that time and place is not now and everyone needs time to themselves.

My son was under me most of the day. He does not require much. He likes attention, so cuddling with me made him happy. In the past, I have tried being in the moment with her, and it was exceedingly hard for me. I felt bad about it, but I struggled to get in to it with her. I am still trying to find ways to spend time with her and bond with her. It is not coming easily. So far, we have a few activities that we can do together. She asks me to read with her all the time, and I happily oblige. She is not really in to video games, but she does like playing on the Wii from time to time, so I will play with her on that. I am competitive, so I have to tone it down. She likes shopping, so we bond over that. She is more artistically inclined, so I will paint with her. This is a learning experience for me.

Our therapist suggested that I take longer than two weeks off of work and spend my days with my children and get to know them intimately and not in passing, bond with them, and spend time with them. Time I have never had before due to my career. With an inactive career, mummy's schedule will open op. Her suggestion was at least 1-3 months. I almost screamed, and I did cry when I got home. DH believes I need to take some time off. Not just for them but also for myself. He thinks I work too hard. Her strong suggestion was the three months because my daughter's first term begins on 16th July, and it does not end until 20th September and the next term resumes on 7th October, which is when she believes I should return to work. Her rationale is that with all of the changes, she is going to need a stable support system and going to school will be a huge adjustment and will mean more changes. I hate to admit it, but she is probably right. I am not confident in my abilities to do this until October.

Now, to the break up with Si. Wow, just wow. Why are you doing this? Is it really because you want to work on your marriage and realize you have boundary issues with another relationship? You sounded, just, bitter, that Matt wasn't jumping for joy? Your post read like, "Hey! I just did what you wanted! I know I've said I would before but I mean it this time! So where is my positive reinforcement? Where is my praise for the sacrifice I am making for you? Why aren't you being appreciative?"

There will always be boundary issues. With Matt's list of stipulations, I would have no doubt stepped on at least one boundary per day. Unintentionally, but it was still a possibility. Who wants to deal with all the ins and outs in inadvertently stepping on boundaries? I simply do not see a healthy dynamic forming and to cling to that belief is foolish, IMHO. It was unhealthy for everyone involved, so I let her go. I also let go of that faith that it could ever be. I am not bitter. It is what it is. No sense in crying over spilled milk. I caused this, so I have no one to blame but myself. Like I tell my daughter, "Bad behaviour does not get rewarded." I am teaching myself a lesson. I will never be able to change if I do not get rid of strongholds and things that tempt me. Self-control is something I have to learn. It has nothing to do with him. He was surprised to learn that I had pulled the plug on any and all poly related sessions. I did not consult with him before making these two decisions. So no. I was not seeking praise.

Words have power and the whole dry as someone's snatch was harsh. I don't like any kardashian's but DAMN!

Words do have power.

As someone who entered poly the wrong way, when I finally realized what an asshat I was with certain boundaries, I made the changes but not for praise and I sure as hell didn't get fireworks or dancing. I got incredulous or wary looks. Actions speak louder than words and he was waiting for actions, long term ones that showed real change, not just me saying what he'd been waiting months or years to hear.

Well, I have no other interests that require much of my attention now, so I have no choice but to change for the better. I have all the time in the world to work on myself. Especially if I take a three month break. I can give all of my attention and effort to fixing our marriage and working on myself.
 
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