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  #21  
Old 01-03-2019, 01:47 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by tecklemino View Post
I probably should have responded to this sooner. Sorry, i live a very busy life. If i were deployed or TDY, i probably would have already responded to it.
No problem, we all have busy lives.

I'm a bit confused. You said in your OP you're barely a husband to your wife of 10 years, since you're hardly ever home. You've been together 10 years, and you want to help her get over her social anxiety, because you are in danger of death in the wars. But it's been 10 years and you're still trying to find her a poly couple to take care of her...

She's got her metamour friend to take care of her, and to take care of as well. She barely has a husband. And your main goal in life, besides your service to our country, is to see your wife become more confident.

So how's that going? Have you seen improvement?

I also have a partner of 10 years. We live together. She also suffers social anxiety. But she's on medication for anxiety, she did 7 years of therapy, once a week for several years, then once or twice a month for years. She isn't completely dependent on me to "help" her feel more confident in social situations. Since I've known her, she has made great strides in approaching social situations, fun gatherings, or in work situations, etc.

It's never been one of my main goals in life to help her get over her anxiety. I figure that's her job. I'm not into white knighting. I do remind her to take her meds a few times a week, since she has trouble remembering to take them. But otherwise, she's aware that becoming more confident is her job. She has lots of friends, she has a bf of 5 years.

Of course, you have every right to feel, think and do as you are. I'm just offering another perspective. I didn't need to go out and FIND Pixi a bf, she dated on her own, with her own words and planning how to find the right guy for her.

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My wife suffers social anxiety, so if i am helping her meet people, it is in that context. I am helping her get past the panic of first contact... I am trying to help her learn better coping skills for her social anxiety. Basically, help her develop memories in which she benefited from confronting and accepting those fears, but acting anyway...

As for what i do when i am deployed or TDY, yes, i get by with masturbation, or simply focusing on my work. That might not make sense to most people, but there are more pressing matters on deployment than getting laid... I have on rare occasions danced with a few girls while deployed during such times, but that's about it.

I am demisexual, so i dont really connect with anyone that i know will not be in my life for a long time. I am simply not interested in other people when i am away. I would much rather communicate with my current partners and help them achieve whatever it is they want to do in life. The biggest reason both of them are still with me is because i do whatever i can to help them achieve what they want in life. Nearly a decade ago, i decided that my goal would be to make sure that i could prepare my wife to be happy without me. That meant i had find a way to make sure she knew she could do anything and everything in the event of my death.

It is no different for my girlfriend. Employment, education, life goals, planning, self development, resilience... i want to help her with all of it. I am good at planning those kinds of things so that goals are actually met.

That is why they stay with me. That is why they are committed to me. I do not restrict them from having other lovers. They are free to date and love others as they please. I find ways to either give them what they want in life, or help them get it themselves. That is what I get out of it. The knowledge that i am doing something positive in the lives of those i love.

Plus, they keep me pretty sexed up while i am home.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013

Last edited by Magdlyn; 01-03-2019 at 04:56 PM.
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  #22  
Old 01-03-2019, 04:48 PM
tecklemino tecklemino is offline
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She has been getting better every year. And yes, she is medicated, goes to a psychologist and psychiatrist, etc. She is also Bipolar type 1, so even though her general trend is improvement, it will likely always be an issue we we have to actively address.

By the way, i have not been trying to find a poly couple for ten years. It was just a thought, she had never considered dating a couple. Most of the people she has dated so far have had unstable home lives.

My girlfriend has had pretty good experiences dating couples, so i know its not all bound to fail in misery. Anyway, what we have works for us. We will probably just hold what we have.
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  #23  
Old 01-03-2019, 04:57 PM
tecklemino tecklemino is offline
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I dont know if this will help explain our relationship any better, but both my wife and girlfriend are submissive in the D/s sense. They both ask me to provide guidance, purpose, and motivation.

I am often pushing both of them to accomplish things they didn't think they could do. Its what they want and ask me for.
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  #24  
Old 01-03-2019, 05:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tecklemino View Post
I don't know if this will help explain our relationship any better, but both my wife and girlfriend are submissive in the D/s sense. They both ask me to provide guidance, purpose, and motivation.

I am often pushing both of them to accomplish things they didn't think they could do. Its what they want and ask me for.
Yes! That does help explain your dynamic a lot.

My partner Pixi is also a submissive. In her younger years she even IDed as a slave. I think it's because she had a very domineering authoritative father, who was basically emotionally abusive to her (as well as her mother and brother).

So, she learned early on not to risk making decisions, since she had to do whatever her father said.

When we first hooked up, we considered me being her Domme, or Mommy. But I couldn't do it, I decided. I'd just got done raising and launching 3 kids to adulthood and didn't want that role anymore. I'm good being a Top during actual kink or sexy times, but not 24/7.

But Pixi's bf is her Dom, her Master, as my signature indicates. He provides a certain type of care that gives her release from stress, mostly through bondage type activities. BDSM can be very therapeutic for different people in different ways.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
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  #25  
Old 01-03-2019, 10:08 PM
tecklemino tecklemino is offline
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My wife had a father that pretty much ignored her because she wasn't "one of the boys", and my girlfriend never really had much in the way of any responsible parents. It left both of them with a lot of self doubt and self esteem issues.

DD/lg is the dynamic they feel safest and most fulfilled in. Basically, they know they are going to make mistakes, they are not perfect, but perfection is not required of them. In the army, i know my soldiers and give them guidance and provide motivation in order to develop them into something more. In order to develop them into leaders. With my girls, i do much the same. I know their strengths and weaknesses, and give them guidance on how to use them and work around them in order to achieve what they want in life. And motivation to do it. I wont ever abandon them just because they make a mistake, nor will i hold past mistakes over their head. That is why they feel safe.

Safe enough to try, falter, try again.
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