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Old 08-17-2014, 10:58 AM
Neo Neo is offline
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I have been in a relationship with my partner for 6 months. I have always been in monogamous relationships. He is poly (which i had conveniently forgotten until a conversation a week ago) he feels trapped just with me and has found a lovely lass that we both get on with. She is also poly so I'm the only one this is all new to. They are being supportive but my mind flits between being happy about it to irrational fears about the future.
I want to be happy with it all but my own insecurities keep popping up. What can i do to become more comfortable. Im so worried that i wont be needed any more, there are so many things about her that he likes that i know i don't have. We want to be a three. We are gonna find time, just me and her, to bond. I don't even know what response i expect by posting this.
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Old 08-17-2014, 12:54 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Just because you're in a poly relationship it doesn't mean you have to have more than one partner to balance things out. If you'd prefer to remain monogamous with your partner then that's what you should do. That doesn't mean he can't have other relationships, just that him doing so doesn't mean you have to as well.

I think you're doing very well at switching from standard mono-think to being poly-supportive. Be careful that you think about what you say and do in the next few months because it'd be easy to over-extend yourself in an effort to be accommodating and suddenly find yourself out of your depth.
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Old 08-17-2014, 12:59 PM
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I know i don't have to have a partner but i am kinda attracted to her too and we have kinda discussed being a three, we don't know each other well yet mind, and i think i would find it a lot more difficult if he was just out there doing it on his own. I don't think i could cope with that . Ive always had issues about not feeling good enough and worrying that I'm gonna be abandoned.i know these are unfounded so i guess I'm a lil panicked at a new idea and the fear that my own issues may disrupt what could potentially be a very good thing.
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Old 08-17-2014, 02:15 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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You have a lot of mono programming to undo. Consequently, you will have emotional reactions due to the programming that you logically know are unfounded. And there is where your strength lies - talking back to the unfounded, programmed fears.

You may need your partners' help in doing so. Tell them you are trying to unlearn your mono programming, and that you need their help in dealing with your fears. When you feel something like, "I am afraid, I won't be needed anymore," ask them to explain to you why this fear unfounded.

You can say, "I feel X. I logically know this is due to mono programming, but I need you to explain to me why this fear isn't real."

Now actually, the fear of not being needed or abandoned is a mono fear. In a mono configuration, the default is that we are allowed only one partner, so if we meet another person for whom we have interest, it means a choice must be made (although a lot of people cheat rather than making that choice). In poly there is no reason to abandon a good relationship just because we meet someone else who strikes our fancy. The chance of a break up is far, far less due to this event. (Yes, poly people break up too, but it is due to issues within the relationship, not because of having another love.) I mean seriously why would someone choose only one partner if s/he wasn't forced to make a choice?

It is true, the poly configuration is different in regard to time. Since there are more than two partners, it is not automatically defaulted that you will get all of your partner's time. So it is important that people pay strict attention to making sure enough time is allotted to each relationship to keep it healthy.

Keep visiting the forum. It's a good place to learn and ask questions.
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Last edited by bookbug; 08-17-2014 at 02:17 PM. Reason: Typos
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Old 08-17-2014, 02:57 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I said something like this in response to a post elsewhere on these forums, but I'll say it here as well:

I don't believe any one person can meet ALL of another person's needs. Poly works for some in part because each partner meets *different* needs.

Your concern about being abandoned or not needed is valid; you feel how you feel. But I would suspect that your partner is getting one set of needs met by you, and a different set by the other partner.

You won't be unnecessary to him, because you are meeting needs and wants of his, that others are not meeting. You can't be replaced; you're a specific, separate individual, and you have value in his life. The other woman isn't *instead* of you, she's *in addition*.
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Old 08-17-2014, 03:20 PM
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Thank you for your replies. Im just scared I think.
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Old 08-17-2014, 03:31 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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If you've only been with your bf 6 months, you barely know him. You are in NRE still probably, new relationship energy, infatuation, crush stage. Hormones generally are high, sex is frequent. NRE lasts 6-24 months generally, usually around 12 months. After that, you really get to know each other, warts and all. You're not there yet, you don't trust him, you don't trust polyamory either.

Now New Lass is on the scene. She might meet needs of bf's you don't meet. She might meet needs of yours he doesn't meet! After all, you're attracted to her, you're bi, she's bi, and so a man can't meet those needs for either you or her.

"We want to be a three." Jargon: in polyamory, that is called a triad, where 3 people are more or less equally involved with each other. A V is when one person is involved with 2 people, but those 2 people are not involved with each other, except perhaps as friends. They would be "metamours" to each other.

Often in these situations, a triad can turn into a V, when one partner decides she is more into one or the other of the other 2 people. So, New Lass might initially be attracted to you, but decide she's really into Bf. Or you might try her out and decide she really isn't for you, and go back to just wanting to be intimate with Bf.

Don't let either of them pressure you into 3way sex/romance. It's totally your choice. Don't do it to please them.

Otherwise, try this new thing out and have fun! It could be a lovely adventure.
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  #8  
Old 08-17-2014, 03:49 PM
Neo Neo is offline
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But im worried about what if i cant cope with it. I love my bf, i would never want to stifle who he is but i just dont know. I dont handle change well. I dont want to trap him in an unhappy mono relationship but what if i cant sufficiently handle the poly aspect. I dont want to be the one ruining things for him. I know they will give me time to get used to it. But what if i dont like it. My life had just gotten settled. And now its all change again.

I cant, and wont, tell him not to do it. He needs to for his own good, and when im not panicking I really think it may be good for me too. He's spending the night round hers later this week. Im glad he has found someone so nice but emotionally it still hurts.

Last edited by Neo; 08-17-2014 at 04:18 PM.
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Old 08-17-2014, 06:44 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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If you're concerned about your ability to handle the situation, would it be possible to ask for a "probationary" period for the three of you to explore it? For example, "I'm willing to try this for now, but in three months, I'd like to revisit it to make sure we're all still okay." Or six months, or whatever time you feel is appropriate.

That way, you'll know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, if you *can't* handle it, and you'll also have time to decide what you personally will do if you aren't able to accept the dynamic. It will also give your boyfriend and the other woman time to see whether things between them are going anywhere.

Right now, though, it sounds like you're getting really tangled up in "what ifs" that might not even prove to be the case... So while it's important to communicate and to have some backup plans, it's also very important to not overthink things and not create trouble before there is any.
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Old 08-18-2014, 09:48 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
If you're concerned about your ability to handle the situation, would it be possible to ask for a "probationary" period for the three of you to explore it? For example, "I'm willing to try this for now, but in three months, I'd like to revisit it to make sure we're all still okay."
If you choose to do this make sure the lovely lass knows about it so that she has the opportunity to back away before getting emotionally involved. She has the right to know that she's being used as a crash test dummy.
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