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Old 08-16-2014, 12:10 AM
astar astar is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2
Arrow monogamous(?), non-romantic and looking for advice

hello all, i'm new to both forums and polyamory, so please be patient with me!

basically, my boyfriend recently mentioned to me that he thinks he may only be able to have relationships with more than one person. being a very involved member of the lgbt+ community, i'm pretty familiar with it and have no problems with it, however i'm not sure if it is for me, and i know that only doing it to please him is the wrong decision.
the thing is that i am aromantic (i do not feel romantic attraction to people), so im not sure how i can define polyamory for myself, as i am interested in the concept of it and trying it out in our relationship, but the main definition ive found for it is 'having the cability to be romantically attracted to more than one person at once and want a relationship with them', so i'm not sure how that would work for me as i don't get romantically attracted to people that easily and don't really go looking for relationships.

now for the background information.
i am non binary (i do not fit into the gender binary of exclusively male or female) so please use they/them/their/they're if you must refer to me using pronouns.
the definitions for my sexual and romantic orientations tend to change depending on my mood and such (as it is hard to define feelings!), but i do currently see myself as aromantic/demiromantic (the second one meaning capeable of romantic attraction after forming a close bond with someone) and asexual (not getting sexually attracted to people). defining romantic and sexual attraction is hard, but the extremely close feelings i have for my boyfriend make me feel like i am definitely romantically attracted to him a lot of the time.
note: i am not here to discuss identities so if you disagree with anything like this, please go elsewhere! if you don't understand these terms, please try googling them before asking about it. i understand that to answer my question(s) you may need some more information about my aro status, and that's fine.

as you can see from my identities, i'm not really interested in relationships at all. before i met my boyfriend i had happily put off the idea of looking for or needing an S.O. as i have a lowered need for sex/romance and not much interest in it when it isn't available. i still had an interest in dating if someone understanding came across who i was attracted to, and that's what happened with my boyfriend, he was someone i didn't know i needed in my life until a few months ago, and as he is also part of the lgbt+ community (we both identify as bi in some way), he is very understanding about my 'taking it slow' and my identities.

the thing is that, although i am an easygoing person who is open to trying basically anything, having the need for a relationship with someone isn't something that happens that often for me, so it is hard to pinpoint whether being poly is something i can be.

i have had several casual/short term relationships before my current partner, and being in a relationship over a couple of months is new to me, so i am still getting used to being in a serious relationship, let alone the idea of a new type of relationship, but thinking about and discussing polyamory from an early stage will help in our eventual agreement on it, i think. but the fact that i have little experience in wanting relationships, having relationships, wanting romantic attraction, having romantic attraction etc. makes it hard to know how i think about being involved in polyamory!

on the monogamous side of things, my identity as monogamous (currently) ties in with my aromantic status - as i am still inexperienced in relationships and not really keen on being involved with another person when i am still getting used to my current relationship and partner, being mono is just the better option for me. i also struggle with several conditions and keeping up with a relationship with more than one person does sound like it may be too much hard work for me, but i don't know how for sure that would affect my health, this is just another thing that makes me think it just wouldn't work for me. as i am asexual and have a lowered interest in sex, i think that my boyfriend being able to have one night stands or another partner for sex may be something that has to happen, and i think i am fine with that.

i am still learning how to communicate with my boyfriend and test our boundaries and closeness, and i think once i am more used to being with him and we understand each other more, i will have a better idea of whether i can communicate and be in a relationship with another person as well. we live quite far away from each other so we have only managed to meet in person a handful of times and always in public, so we haven't been able to have serious conversations about these things face to face or get used to being around each other much, although we contact each other everyday using other means, but this is also another factor towards my being inexperienced with relationships, and therefore having no idea about how polyamory would factor in our relationship.

i am not sure if i've explained things in a very easy to read order, but if anything doesn't make sense, please ask!

my issue is basically that i just feel quite lost as i don't know if it is possible for me to polyamorous (seeing as relationships for me are a very much a choice and only happen after knowing them for quite a while, rather than something i am led to by strong feelings) and i'm not sure if it's okay that i just feel that our relationship is too new for me to know yet how polyamory would work with us, should it be something i should know straight away?

i think i currently see polyamory for me as how i see sex and relationships: its something i am happy trying although its something i don't have a natural inclination or need for, but that doesn't mean i'm not happy being involved in it.
i want to start gathering information and advice now so i can start to think about whether it is right for me/our relationship, and i just hope i am doing the right thing, as we already have some differences with him being alloromantic and allosexual (capeable of romantic and sexual attraction to people) as opposed to me being aro and ace, and i worry that being mono/poly too will just be too many differences for us to work with.

if anyone else has a lowered interest in romance/sex and/or is ace or aro, please, please let me know your thoughts on my situation/polyamory in general! advice from others is welcome too, of course, as i just think i need some help knowing where to go from here and maybe some more information on polyamory re: finding other partners? thanks for reading!

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aromantic, asexual, lgbt, mono/poly, romantic love

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