The whole self of Aquamarine

Fun boating, but not an easy crush

After maybe 3 months of my relentless requests that I want to go to the sea and do some boating with Morpheus in his boat, he finally got his boat to the water. I was so keen to join him that a flu drove me a bit mad. I was really frustrated! However, I only missed one opportunity to join him because of the flu, and just yesterday I managed to invite myself to a 3h driving around the archipelago here. What comes to motor boating, it was a blast. It's unusually hot here, so driving fast on the sea was a really welcomed cooling experience. Also, I badly needed to get out of the house. TeenKid is visiting us, and Kay is on vacation. Being 24h with two other people was really killing me. So, the boat trip was already a success in this sense. And in the sense that I absolutely love being at sea, at any capacity really. Sailing would be my most favorite activity at sea, but that is not available right now, so I take anything I get.

In addition, I got to spend some time with Morpheus. Surely much of the time the engine was too loud (the boat is really small and the engine really loud) to have any real conversations. Still, it took some time to get there, fill the gas tank and such, so we got to talk a bit. I don't know why his bad humour works for me, but it does. Probably because I like him so much. He told a dirty joke just when I was sipping my water, and of course I inhaled some of the water and almost suffocated. Yeah. So it was mostly fun, except to the suffocating part.

After we left the boat, it took ages to get back because of an accident in the public traffic. It became harder and harder not to touch him. I tend to think I'm somewhat good at reading people and their body language, and I definitely got the impression that he was not into me at all. Sure, he likes me as a friend, but I got the feeling I was friendzoned pretty well there. I have claimed a few times to Morpheus that I am able to behave, if needed, but I really had to make an effort this time to be cool-ish.

So afterwards I have been trying to get rid of these fantasies. It's not going well. My motivation to let go of my own hopes is really low, and I don't even know what to do. I'm not too interested in creating distractions, and I was even a bit reluctant when one was offered me (a family friend from abroad visited). What is equally alarming is that I'm easily able to explain away any elements not conforming to my fantasies. Like, if I experienced he's not into me, I can explain it away by thinking that he just lack courage to show his interest. And so on, and so forth. I guess a proper talk would help me to let these hopes go, but Morpheus is not that easy to communicate with. He also thinks polyamory is somehow difficult and not at all suitable for him. In addition, I like these 'benefits' of our friendship too much - I get to go boating, for heaven's sake! I don't want to rock the boat. Ha!

This crush is more severe I realized before. And it's getting worse. So this is not easy at all, although I've tried to invite some easiness into my life. Now it seems I'm going to break my heart, more or less, and I have no idea how to prevent that from happening. Taking distance won't work, it just makes me sad. Currently, I try to simulate a friend, and when that becomes too difficult, I just go along with my feelings and text him. It seems I text him every day now. I try to avoid it, but it requires some effort, so it's easier to just text him and watch his responses to become shorter and more indifferent. Then I give up and start to hope a new opportunity while my fantasies weave all kinds of situations (I mean sex).

PS I really miss fucking.
 
Now I got it

I finally realized the thing with Morpheus is that he is interested only if he's really drunk, like wasted. When sober, I'm properly friendzoned. I told Kay about my observation and she said she had known, but didn't want to rub it onto my face.

So I have been pretty pissed off lately. I managed to cry out some of the sadness, which is good. I'm quite disappointed to the situation, but maybe this observation helps me to let my hopes go.

At the same time, my flu got worse and I'm SO frustrated. I can't do anything, the weather is unusually hot. I'm physically uncomfortable and mentally really tense.

Oh, I have forgot to mention Kay's thing/relationship/whatever with her latest date kind of ended, because the other lady is not currently capable or willing or whatever. My point is Kay was really falling for her, and now she is basically heart-broken. So I try to help, support and comfort her, but I don't know how I'm doing because my thoughts are constantly about Morpheus.
 
Unhealthy attraction?

I'm still attracted to Morpheus. This has felt asthonishing, as I wrote before that I probably am afraid of trusting men because of my past. Yet, Morpheus has been trustworthy, and perhaps that is why I'm so into him. I however just read a text describing how longing for a person might be triggered by our emotional needs of childhood. I wonder if this is the case for me with Morpheus. It fits that my Dad was sometimes absent in his addiction, and he was mostly unable to provide the emotional safety I would have needed. The article (not a proper article, just something written and published on the internet) suggested healthy feelings and these old, unmet needs might entangle and result in longing for a person. Or even that the unmet needs trigger e.g. adrenaline rushes which we might misrecognize as feelings of love or lust, and produce the longing for the person. I have wondered why I have this feeling that I would want and even need to be close to Morpheus. So it might be just a case of past experiences not yet handled properly. And of course this whole exercise might be just a way to distance myself from my pain with intellectual explanations...

Anyway, the problem here is that I'm almost constantly very frustrated, and I get nervous when the possibility to meet Morpheus emerges. Today is such an occation, and I couldn't sleep enough last night. I'm not sure this is the way I want to feel: anxious and afraid of the possible abandonment or rejection. Yeah, I want to be close to him, I want sex. But I can't have those things, so it would probably be healthy to let go of my hopes. I still don't know how.

I guess I would need something new to think about. I'm less burned out than before, but I try to be careful not to overdo it and fuck myself over again. So I feel I don't have the energy to for example date new ppl or such, in order to have a sex life. I try to do things I enjoy, but I can't be at the beach staring the sea at all hours.

Btw, I managed to visit my island this week. The weather was extremely hot and wasps tried to eat me. I ran around to avoid them, exhausted myself and got an awful headache. It wasn't fun, but at least I didn't think about work. I didn't manage to avoid texting to Morpheus, though.
 
Hot dates! Rollercoasters!

Hot date #1: A woman sent me a message, we chatted for 3 days straight, had our first date. We ended up to her place and had enjoyable sex. I was really confused, because somehow she invited a bottom out of me, and I'm definitely NOT used to that. I'm usually quite dominant, but there I was, pulling her on top of me. Well, it was fun, although I didn't orgasm. Like I said, I was confused. The woman seems to be losing her interest already. I was totally into her, and created an instant crush on her. It's just that she is so similar to me. I feel she gets me and I get her. On the other hand, broken ppl are my specialty, and perhaps she's not ready for my overwhelming cuddling. I also feel I should discuss my gender with her (she's a lesbian), but... Well, no messages for two days, so perhaps there is no need to discuss that or anything else. The sex was a relief and a delight, tho!

Hot date #2: Out of the blue, Kay (my wife) pulled me onto her and we had some. I was really surprised, because she has been in a sort of lock-down state for a while. But I'm always horny, so I happily delivered, of course. It was wonderful as ever.

Sex rollercoaster: I would be quite satisfied with 2 times a week with another person. I have absolutely no idea how to make that happen. The first hot date almost ruined me and it took maybe 2-3 days for me to recover. I mean physically, and it's really frustrating.

Emotional/mental rollercoaster: I've been reading about being HSP (highly sensitive person), and how to get to terms with one's own sensitivity. The advice seems really useful, although I have hard time accepting I really am stuck with this phenomenon. It cannot (and need not to) be cured, and I just have to learn to live with that. It's hard to accept my capacity to deal with the world and sensory stimula is lower than the majority. There are good aspects of it, too, such as emphathy, deep feelings, detailed perception among others. For me, the key point right now is that this burn-out I've been having, is probably caused by my incompetence to deal with this feature. I push myself too hard and ignore the signals of my body. That's not healthy, so I need to learn new ways to work, and to live, basically. Learning is hard work.

Morpheus: It seems I'm finally over him. I don't obsess over him any more, and we can have friendly chats about or dates or whatever. Such a huge relief! I really hope I can keep up with this friendzone thing.
 
Focusing on me

The hot date woman from my previous post: she kindly made the effort to call me and inform me that she had met someone special. Good for her!

I feel I have this phase of staring my own self all the time. I like to think that these experiences have been good for me, because they have allowed me to realize I'm actually not ready even for fwb thing. However, I have a relatively lot of activities planned. Like meeting colleagues-becoming-friends. Planning my post-doc projects. Engaging in queer and/or feminist activities, as much as my fatigue lets me.

The fatigue is fluctuating. I already have better days and I feel more energetic, which is a huge relief. I was really afraid this burn-out would be permanent... Although I realized it probably will take some time to recover. I'm just quick to judge myself. I can work a tiny bit every day. Today, I managed to work only 15min, but it's better than nothing. I try to keep up hope I'm in the process of recovery. And I try to treat myself gently and give myself time to heal without those constant requirements to perform again like 'good old times' (not so good, in fact).

I attended a course about bodily creativity, targeted to gender minorities. It was a bit scary to do something that concrete in terms of me being non-binary, but I did it anyway. In the first session, it was only me and the instructor! So it was a private class for me, what a luxury! I enjoyed it a lot, and it's really useful for me in many ways. The first session was about reflecting my own bodily movement, both solo and with the instructor.

The instructor is really cool. I realized my pattern activated, again. A person is nice, so I start to fall for them. It's like creating an instant crush. So it happened again after the first course session. However, I read this is quite common among HSPs - I have thought I have something wrong with me! Maybe I don't need so much fixing, after all. The only problem is that I don't recognize my own boundaries well enough, and I have this tendency to rush into relationships right after meeting someone nice. This time, the pattern was really obvious. I really enjoyed the time with the instructor, and after the course session, I started to have these fantasies about us - although I realized it was a work-related situation for them, and nothing to do with their personal life, and thus, there is no potential for any sexual-romantic activities based on the activities during the session, however fun and enjoyable it was for me.

So I hope that now that I'm aware of this boundary setting issue, I can deal with it, and more easily control my own behaviour. Thoughts and feelings are not wrong, but I can and need to control what I say and do. This is not actually difficult for me, because I've been raised to be very controlling over my own actions, but here, I see in a new way that this is a healthy reason to do it. Blurting it all out is not always healthy, either, but there is a balance between opening up and respecting boundaries of other people and of myself, and respecting my own privacy. I feel rather good about this situation.
 
New words for my gender

My signature says non-binary. I've started to wonder if I'm also genderfluid, because my experience of my gender shifts often. It's like a triangle of man - woman - other, and my experience moves around that triangle. I don't know how to describe the 'other' part, tho, which is annoying. There are no proper words invented, especially in my native language.

Besides genderfluid, I'm considering if I want to use genderqueer instead of non-binary. Queer is something about being weird, non-conforming to norms. It seems to suit me quite well. Also, queer ppl seem to be folks I would like to identify with and hang out with if possible.

My wife took initiative for hot sex, and it was amazing! Otherwise there is nothing going on romantically. Sexually, it's mostly my own hands.

Oh, I decided to get tested on STI. The results were negative, as I expected, so yay!
 
Life is pretty good

Thing are going rather well in my life. I can now work a tiny bit every day Monday-Friday. Sleeping helps me to stay healthy. I eat less, because I don't have such a strong need to eat my emotions away. I do my exercises and go for walks. My weight decreases slowly. My body gets stronger, and there is less physical pain. I'm learning how to cope with my food problems, although I can't eat foods containing fodmap. There are many exciting events, projects, things to do. Therea re many amazing people to meet.

I'm quite hopeful. Perhaps everything turns out ok! I realized today I have had this assumption that if I keep worrying and stressing, it helps me to control my life, and control means safety. Which is total bullshit. It was a relief to realize it at the emotional level, at least a little bit. I mean, I am allowed to feel good every day, several times a day! And it doesn't mean disasters wait for me around the corner. Disasters are part of life, but they don't depend on my emotions. So I might just as well feel good while I can. Wow!

Currently, there is a weird need to serve, to be useful to somebody, to fulfill somebody else's needs. However. This is me time now. All the time! My whole life is me time! Isn't that amazing! Finally it's my turn! - A bit of activism suits well in this new image of me, as there are no kids in the house.

My dating life is very quiet. I keep daydreaming about the course instructor. I feel a bit guilty about it. I thought it would stop by itself once I realized it's my pattern. Well, my pattern is alive and kicking! I've entertained ideas about asking the instructor for a cup of coffee. I don't know. I'm not sure what I would want from them, and what I would have to offer. Sex would be of course awesome, but I'm somewhat afraid that would not work. And the thing is - it's still their working place and I want to participate in the course without awkwardness.

And yeah, I know I overthink and overanalyze everything. This is me, get over it. :D
 
Getting rid of shame

I had this amazing realization:

Yes, I've once again developed a crush, this time towards the oh so wonderful course instructor. The crush is my feeling. I am allowed to have feelings. My feelings are and always will be very strong, because I'm highly sensitive person. The feelings will not go away by hoping. I might just as well accept them.

If I am actually allowed to feel this crush - then, maybe I don't have to be embarrased about it! Maybe I don't have to feel this shame!

I have this shame about myself and my feelings. About my overweight body, too. Despite all of it, I have the right to feel my feelings, and there is no need to be ashamed. I don't have to live from a place of fear.

Without the shame, I am suddenly able to just enjoy myself. I'm hopeful that this revelation will ease my life up. Dragging shame and fear everywhere with me has been very tiring. Maybe it's time to give them up.

Maybe I just try it again: to be myself! In the past, me being me has been too much for some people, and they have left. So what? There is an abundance of people. And I have this hunch saying that I can now keep my boundaries way better than all those years ago, so me being me might be fun for everybody, after all.
 
Not mutual, again

During the creativity course on the other night, I was first time able to put aside my own insecurities and need to control my display of feelings, and just observe the instructor. It became clear that the crush is definitely not mutual. I could sense it in the way the instructor moved, talked and just was. I usually have pretty good instinct in these matters.

I hope this observation would help me to behave in a healthy way around the instructor, and maybe deal with my own sadness. About not getting any (romantic, sexual or friend-zoned) feelings from them. It seems to be all professional. So I'm sad about my one-sided crush pattern happening AGAIN. I'm 40, and it would be so easy to become bitter about this, the pattern repeating itself in my life over and over.

But I guess nobody owns me anything. So it's just my life right now, and maybe somebody else comes along eventually. Oh yeah, and I am also sad because I was hoping more from the instructor than just a companion/facilitator in my journey to work through my issues. However, their support is definitely important for me, and I already gave that feedback to the instructor, that the course matters for me.

Nevertheless, I'm so happy my energy levels are rising! I can work! I can meet people! I can do my walks and my exercises and cook and everything! I'm full of hope today, and to some extent, I trust there will be amazing people and good sex in my life later on, when I'm ready. For now, I'm very happy about my marriage with Kay.
 
I'm still not defending my boundaries

Well well well!

What an educational evening I had! The course instructor I've a crush on - they invited me to see their art. I went there, panic building in me. The show itself was emotionally touching, but also fun. Kind of confusing. Afterwards, they came to me to talk about the show, and then said something like: "thanks for coming here, see you next week". They said that twice. And I fully panicked, because I thought they were kicking me out. So I just left.

Afterwards, in the peace of my home, I realized I could have said that "yeah see you, I just chat with your colleagues for a while". Or I could just have stayed to hang around a little bit, because that was explicitly allowed. So, my take from this episode was that I was unable to define and defend my own boundaries (such as: "I need to gather my thoughts for a minute, can we talk in a short while"; or "Yeah see you later, I'll talk to your colleagues"). I was totally dependent on the course instructor to define and defend my boundaries, and to fulfill/meet my needs (of space, and staying put). Of course they were completely clueless about my boundaries as well as my needs.

I find very interesting that because I like this person, I was really just waiting there for them to know and acknowledge my needs, without me saying anything. Of course I realize with my intellect that they could not possibly know, because I'm not saying anything about my needs or my hopes. It seems I still, after all these years of progressing with my boundary issues, unable to raise my voice and actually say my needs out loud, when it seems uncertain to me whether my needs will be met. After all these years, I still fall back to this trap of expecting others, and especially (potential) significant others, to read my mind, so that I don't have to say anything. Apparently voicing out my own needs makes me vulnerable in my mind, because it puts me into a position where I could face rejection or abandonment.

It's amazing how tiny occurrences can reveal these complete but hidden constructions of dysfunctional relations. It seems it would be very easy for me to enter once again into a dysfunctional relationship, because these assumptions have been hiding from my conscious thoughts. Indeed, I've had this tendency to first develop a crush, then start having these really weird and strangely stressful fantasies how the relationship would 'progress' into something I would be completely uncomfortable with. Something like a mandatory sitting in front of the tv (I've had that, at least in my view; I thought it was mandatory, although my parner at that time probably perceived it differently), or shopping together for fun (I've had that, too... although I hate shopping!). All this because I can't bear to voice out my own needs and hopes - and take the risk the SO would leave or be angry or disappointed or unhappy... So I do whatever I imagine the SO wants and needs me to do, and remain frustrated, disappointed and unhappy myself... This has been my pattern in the past. Generally, I'm learning to meet my own needs with Kay's help, but it seems there is still a lot of work to do.

In terms of my crush on the instructor, I don't know how to fix this. I'm considering about talking to the instructor. On the other hand, this is mostly about me, and not so much about them, so I'm not sure if that's very wise. They are not a therapist, after all. Maybe they are just a mirror for me, and more proper persons to develop a crush on are on their way into my life.
 
Working my shame away

There is essentially nothing new. My burnout fatigue fluctuates back and forth, but I'm getting better all the time. I get some work done, so that's good. I go for my walks and do my excercise routines.

While having this crush on the course instructor - I've started to at least consider allowing myself to feel the feelings, and not trying to make them go away. Maybe I can even let them show. I just realized I've had this perception that if my feelings show, it's a very bad thing. I don't know why. Maybe it would be laborious for others, and in that way shameful for me. Or maybe I perceive my feelings just ridiculous, because they are rejected (I think). However, I reckon the course instructor will not be harmed or even startled about my emotional life. Quite probably they don't even care, so I might just as well be me, and stop trying to pretend non-attached.

I mean, really. When I go for my walks, I stare at the sea and smile, because I think of them. Sometimes I jump (figuratively speaking) for joy. Sounds like MaryMorstan all over again, but what can I do. This person makes me happy, even only with their professional self. Maybe I can just enjoy it while it lasts.

Btw, MaryMorstan is back... Not in my life, tho, but in the country. Well, I'm hopeful seeing her will not sting any more.
 
New stuff!

I really missed this forum and my blog, when I managed to forget my password while updating my computer. But now I'm back!

There are two new major things to report.


1) A new metamour. Finally some polyamory-related news!

My wife has been developing a LDR with someone from US. Now the new person finally came to visit her for the first time. It seems they get along well. I'm mostly trying to give them some space and privacy, because the new person is staying in our house between shorter trips around the country with my wife. I even asked if they wanted to co-sleep when they are at our house - I was happy to sleep in our spare room. The new person was nervous about this at first, but bravely borrowed my side of the bed anyway.

I used some clear language that she should not assume if it's awkward for me to move my clothes to the spare room or such. I also forced my wife to say out loud what she wanted. She has this habit to let others decide (and maybe battle) about any arrangements, and I wanted her to take some responsibility what is going on here.

The new person seems nice, and I can see why Kay likes her. However, the new person and I don't interact too much. Surely we chatted over a dinner and such. But still, I'm kind of keeping my distance. I just ask about their trips and shit, and do not talk about my stuff at all. I want to reserve my energy in case they fuck their relationship up. Then I'm again the one who needs to help Kay to pick up the pieces and glue them together. So I want to see some continuity before investing in this new person. I won't even give her a nickname yet.


2) Another major issue, or the major issue in my life, is my gender considerations.

I've been seriously reflecting my experience of gender. The story would be extremely long, but I just briefly mention some aspects of it here. Unfortunately, when I learned to observe myself more closely and with empathy and not with judgement, I realized to my horror that I have body dysphoria. (Google it if you want to know more.) It's pretty bad, and the most severe moments of dysphoria are just fucking nightmare. I've been busy developing coping mechanisms, because the experience is pretty unbearable. Even milder versions are very effective in distracting e.g. my work or interactions with colleagues or such.

Because of the dysphoria, I've realized, and admitted to myself, that actually, the fact is that I'm trans-masculine. So this means that I am actually way more masculine than my feminine looks suggest. Fortunately, there is treatment available, but the process to get the treatments is long and stressful. My human rights will be basically violated because the law requires it. The process might take some 3 years. I took the very first tiny step to get into that process, and booked an appointment with a doctor.

So, within just two months, my thoughts about my gender have kind of whirled around, and I now face the official, medical process of transitioning towards masculinity. This is very scary indeed, but I feel I have no choice - I've used all my options to avoid the process or deal with my situation through any other measures. While I'm still in shock about this whole ordeal, I booked the doctor's appointment, because I know that every fucking step will take months and months, and during all that endless waiting, I can always decide that oh, actually, I don't need this, and just leave the process. Just like that.

But believe me, if there were some other options, I would take them. Transitioning is not a pleasurable path, and nobody takes it for fun. Usually the only other option left is to exit, and I'm not ready to exit this life. So, I will transition, and I really hope it helps with my dysphoria.


So, that shit is pretty serious. On the other news, well, there aren't any. My crush with the course instructor is alive and kicking. I've really fallen for them. I'm starting to think they have no clue about my feelings, although I've thought I've been extremely obvious about it. In the end, I'm just really grateful I met them, because they have been a game changer for me. It's scary to admit this to myself, but that's how it is. They have helped me to become more myself, and it is a truly priceless gift.
 
Old people, new people

I find my situation very interesting at the moment. There is plenty of stuff to think, reflect, agonize about.

1) The new metamour

Kay and her new person had a successful set of dates. Now I'm waiting if their now confirmed relationship lasts the long distance factor.

On her last night in the country, we went out together, and the new person kept touching me. She put her arm around my shoulders and touched my thigh. I didn't want to know what was going on, but then I realized she is an American and she was a bit drunk. So, she didn't mean anything with it. It seems it bothered me because I write about it here. Well, she is gone back to US and I don't have to worry about it.

2) Morpheus

Well, fuck my life. The said going out night with Kay's new person included Morpheus, our gay friend. I've been into him for years, but since he's gay, I've kept my mouth shout. Except when we had a picnic, just the two of us, on Spring. And things escalated to quite sexual for a moment. He's kind of into me when he's drunk. I got pretty pissed about that, because I really like him, and I cannot understand how it is possible he's into me when drunk, but completely friend-zoning me when sober.

After the picnic, I laboriously dealt with the fact that he is in fact NOT into me when sober. It was pretty hard and it hurt. I thought that I was over him, and I was looking forward to meet him with my brand new comfort zone and happiness.

It turned out I'm definitely not over him. Not even close. As soon as he walked in, I was having trouble of keeping my hands off him. One-sided things are another story, that is just sad, but you recover. But this! He got drunk very quickly, and once again, he was showing signs of being into me. His body language spoke volumes, even though he didn't say anything. I confronted him about it, and he admitted that indeed, his booze level was high enough to become kind of flirty.

I completely lost my temper and I basically poured it all out on him. That it makes me suffer that I cannot figure out what the hell is going on and what he wants, and that he's like yes, but no, but yes, but no. He mentioned this was the first time I said anything about suffering - it indeed was the first time I realized this is the case. To once again reveal his emphatic side, he suggested I would visit him over coffee, so we could talk this thing through when sober. This was of course a very good idea, and we hugged.

I wanted him so badly. I don't want to talk about my desire. But apparently I need to talk. I must talk. It seems I cannot figure this out by myself. I really hope talking helps. My theory is that he's in denial about his own desire, and I doubt he would be willing to let it go.

3) A new person

On the other day, I got a message from someone on a dating app. We sent a few messages, and I can't believe how similar this person seems to be. Just like me! I mean they seem pretty amazing, and I can't wait to meet them. I hope they make some time for me, I'm really ready to hug them just based on their writing.

Morpheus and this new person have quite successfully pushed the course instructor on the back of my mind. It's a refreshing change.

4) Gender stuff

Every week and essentially every day my thoughts turn more and more towards the realization and indeed, I am a trans person. This is my life now. It's scary, but it's also amazing and liberating. I came out to my aunt, and she was also very supportive. Even my dissertation advisor was supportive! I really enjoy this support network I seem to have.

My wife started to use my new name, and it feels so good. I don't know how to react, it's so overwhelming that she supports me 100%. I'm not so afraid she would leave me. She even called me a man! It felt really good, although I was somewhat startled as well.

I mean, is this non-binary business just a phase for me? Am I actually a trans man? What if I am a man? Can I still be me, if I identify as a man? I feel my hips move too much for a man, and I'm way too sensitive to fit into the man-mold there is available in our society... Other trans folks keep saying there are many kinds of men, and non-binary. That we can just be us. Somebody advised me to avoid strict labels, and leave room for myself and my reflections. Well, that is the plan.

5) Sex

There has been sex! My wife is simply amazing in it, when she feels it. I really hope this lasts.

Whatever happens with Kay, I again get some confidence from the thought that there are other people who find me interesting. A part of being trans is to experience moments of complete despair and extremely low self-confidence. Nobody came to hit on me in the gay club! Sob! But then again, my wife wants me, maybe even Morpheus wants me unconsciously, and somebody out there finds me interesting.
 
Talking about feelings is hard!

I had my discussion with Morpheus about my one-sided feelings for him. Feelings, or just the lust I have for him. Anyway, I gave him a lengthy account about my experiences and how I see the situation and what has confused me. He had nothing much to say to it. I asked what he wants from me, and he promptly answered: to be friends. Okay, then!

I also came out as a trans to him. I was expecting him to be supportive, and he indeed was. So supportive that he actually forgot to mention he wants to support me. (I mean literally, this is not sarcasm.) Oh, well. I love my support network.

I left our conversation with frustration. The whole thing felt useless. I mean, I could tell that the status quo will continue. He will be into me when drunk, and the only solution is to keep him sober. Or "in control", as he put it. Whatever, man. As for my own comfort or lack thereof, I found myself staring at the walls 95% of time. That's my habit when I talk, because it enables me to focus. However, when he started to talk as well, I needed to look at him sometimes, and my desire crept in. After a few hours, I needed to leave, just to let myself to get away from the building tension within me.

However, I later realized there is one precious gift Morpheus gave me during our conversation. He didn't judge my feelings. At all. So this really provided some needed medicine so my old trauma could heal. I realized I am actually ALLOWED to feel my feelings. Licence to feel, baby! I OWN my feelings, and even the target of my feelings cannot manage them in anyway. My feelings are mine!

This realization is again a major one. In retrospect, it is sad how this self-evident fact has been unclear to me. Surely I've been able to deal with my feelings when the other person is feeling the same. But here, the whole situation is one-sided (with a twist of denial), and I was quite nervous if Morpheus would be somehow angry, or if he would make a fuss, or make fun of me, or make me feel guilty about my feelings. If he would shame me because I felt something for him. Not because he would be such an ass hole, but because I have this trauma suggesting that my feelings and needs are basically wrong. That I should not have any such feelings or needs, and the worst thing ever is to express them in any way.

So I'm really happy that Morpheus provided me this basic information, and helped me to heal a bit, and helped me to set and defend my own boundaries. Of course this was not his intention, how could he know. He was probably just worried I would flip again. Nevertheless, our conversation was actually very valuable for me, although in a completely different way I expected.

I'm happy about this!
 
Broken heart

This has to be a personal all-time record for me. I got my heart broken just in five days.

Earlier, I mentioned that I chatted with a lovely new person via a dating app. How similar they were than me.

We had a date. It was beautiful and awesome. I felt an insanely strong connection to them. They felt like my soulmate. They held my hand. I kissed them. We ended up to their place, and it was just pure bliss. I don't know how it worked for me, but it sure did. I mean, this person isn't even kinky or anything. But still, wow! They said they liked me, a lot. They said there would be a next time.

Then they sent me home and fell in silence, content-wise. After four days of awkward attempts to get some info wtf is going on - I got a lengthy message in which they explained they are in fact not ready for a new relationship after all. An apology. But that they are not ready, and they need their space.

So, this seems very basic. Their primary relationship is not well enough established, or something like that. Not exactly that, but close enough. It doesn't matter.

What matters to me is that I'm shattered. My heart is in pieces. It's burned. It hurts as fuck. I'm suffering.

And I can't believe this is happening to me. How it is even possible that somebody has this strong an effect on me after the very first date? I was only inches away to ask them what they actually want from me - on the first date! That's insane! And I was only a few connecting gestures away from falling in love with them. That's so scary I can barely think about it.

I try to rationalize that indeed, it could have been awesome, but they are not able, so I can't do anything. And I try to rationalize that it could be that the insane connection I felt was just my own issues or something. My attempt to re-write my history with people providing non-sustained sense of security. A failed attempt, once again. I don't know how to break that pattern with men or men-bodied enbies, if I'm honest.

Whatever the reason, it's a full stop after five days. And it hurts. I don't know how I'm going to get the pieces back together. Yesterday, it was just about breathing. Being alive through that moment in the hope it will get easer later. How the fuck it can hurt so much.
 
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Daddy issues

Fuck my life, again.

It can hurt so bad because my trauma triggered. I think I've written before that I'm not very much into men - probably because I have some trust issues after my father's somewhat destructive behaviour.

My latest heartbreak is about this daddy issue as well. Men-bodied people seem to trigger it efficiently. My father left me for a few years (to live with my Mom), when I was a kid. He came back six years later, but I think the experience, together with his addictive behaviour with alcohol caused me a trauma. I've worked with it before, and I thought I had it under control, or figured out, dealt with.

Clearly there was something left to be worked at, still. The very short-lived encounter with this new person followed my pattern with fidelity. The new person was a little bit scary (physically), but a wonderful person (intelligent, emphatic, fun). Just like my father. The new person turned out to be comforting and secure, for a brief moment. Then they left me. For good. Just like my father.

At least that was my experience as a small child, even though my father came back to my life. He's been sober for 20 years, so yay. But this early experience seems to repeat itself. It seems I try to re-write it. That somehow I would find a man-bodied person who would comfort me, and stay. As an adult, it all mingles with my sexuality, which makes it more difficult to think through: I definitely don't want to think that I'm trying to buy my father's approval, love and comforting with sex. Still, I think this is how this trauma works. Disgusting, but makes sense psychologically, I think.

I think this pattern is the reason I reacted so strongly to a break-up after just one date. I think it hurt so much because this trauma of mine triggered. Now, I'm wondering if the strong connection I felt to them - was that only my trauma, too? Or was there really a connection? How could I know? My trans situation makes it more complicated. I have this feminine body, but it's all wrong for my sexuality. I'm not sure what is derived from my trauma, what is derived from my body dysphoria, and what is just me being kink.

It's a mess. I feel ashamed about having these daddy issues. It feels so mundane, but the suffering is real nevertheless. However, this realization is - yes, once again! - an important one. It also eased things up today and toned down my agony. Which is great.

I miss the new person like hell, tho. The work of letting them go is hard. I keep hoping maybe they change their mind. Then again, it's been only two days, so I don't need to be over them yet. Let's have some mercy on me.
 
Coming out as trans

I worked on my trauma I wrote about in my previous post. It was hard! The anxiety was almost unbearable. But I feel better now. I don't think I'm through the trauma yet, and there would be some issues to discuss with my father. But the triggered emotions have eased down, and I don't miss the new person so much any more. I'm sad they are not in my life, but that's it. It gets easier already. At least I'm not thinking about them all the time, although when I do, I still hope they would change their mind.

Oh, well. I should probably focus on me and my own issues anyway without the extra hassle with new people.

The hot topic now being my coming out of the closet as trans. My identity has evolved a great deal during the past weeks. I now identify as a trans man. I think it might help people to understand what the deal is here, and I think it will facilitate my transition as well. Non-binary is not a well-established social category yet, and non-existent as a juridical category. Thus, although I somewhat still identify between man and non-binary, I've started to declare I'm a trans man. At least I'm 100% sure I'm trans-masculine.

I waited for TeenKid to visit us so I could tell them face to face. They were okay with me being trans - I expected it but I didn't want them to read about it from facebook. When that conversation was done, and we had our family Christmas dinner, I made a big speech and came out to my extended family. I told them I'm a trans man, informed them I've chosen a new first name, and asked them to use my new name and gender me as a male instead of a female. I knew they are allies, but I still was very nervous beforehand. Well, they support me, fully.

I also changed my first name in social media and made a detailed and quite emotional post in facebook about me being trans. I wanted to use the opportunity to come out when changing the name. Less questions, less anxiety for me. I placed a couple of defensive sentences there, because I expected some of my relatives and people with religious background to flip. I asked anybody feeling the urge to question my experience about my own gender to hit the unfriend button. Instead, I got a landslide of support and love, and tens of people commented with kind and encouraging words. I was completely overwhelmed and cried reading the comments. So far, none of my fb friends have unfriended me, which is a surprise.

I guess my queer bubble is more complete I realized. My deal doesn't make it easier to find new partners, tho...
 
Hey Aquamarine, I just finished reading your blog and wanted to say, I am enjoying it, and I relate strongly to a lot of it.

I also had a distant father.

I also have a high libido and get crushes easily.

I'm also partnered with a woman (who happens to be trans, in my case).

I'm also somewhere on the queer spectrum. We have more terms for the categories nowadays, but I have always been comfortable with, and attracted to, androgynous, or non-binary, or genderqueer, or gender fluid, people. Eddie Izzard is my hero. I mostly present as female, most people would assume I am cis, but I definitely have masculine, and Top, qualities. However, I am currently feeling more subby when it comes to sex. Maybe because leading comes naturally to me, subbing feels hotter, because it's more of a risk to let go of control. Anyway...

As far as your latest posts, congrats on starting the long hard process of transitioning. I've been there for my partner as she transitioned. She was only 31 when we met, and had started real transitioning only months before. Therapy, prescribed hormones and antidepressants. I was there when she started presenting as female 100%, grew breasts, legally changed her name, did a ton of electrolysis. Soon after we met, she also found a new summer camp for trans youth (age 8-15) in our area, and worked her way up there over 9 years, from the kitchen, to teaching archery, to now being a camp director in charge of daily activities and events.

Through camp, from the workers there, we've made a bunch of new friends, gay, straight, bisexual or pansexual, trans, non-binary! It's so great to be there, where all the kids are trans or gender non-conforming, and much of the staff is too. And the cis people working there are mostly therapists or social workers who specialise in the queer community in one way or another.

As far as you getting crushes on unavailable people, such as Morpheus or your gender instructor... a theory is, if you had a distant parent, and haven't dealt with that, you tend to recreate it by falling for unavailable people.

However, I think Morpheus is confused... I think he is attracted to you as a male, but maybe since you're not on hormones and pre-op, he struggles. (Just a guess?)

I have a transmale friend who is gay, only attracted to men, he's been on T for years. However, while he's had top surgery, he's not had bottom surgery yet, so it's somewhat difficult for him to date. (Although easier for him than many because he's so nice and charming and outgoing.)

Your recent heartbreak with the new person though... that can just happen. It happened to me this summer, I wrote about it in my blog. I only had 2 dates with this guy, and he was also dating someone else, who insisted he be mono with her or lose her. (She said was open to being Open, until he met me and fell for me! Then she got all jealous and wouldn't even consent to him and me being platonic friends.) So even though he and I connected really strongly, hobbies-wise, and sexually, he let me go. I guess he wasn't right for me. I may have dodged a bullet since this woman didn't respect him being interested in polyamory. And he just went along with her wishes. Plus, he doesn't want kids, and she had a school age child, so I really didn't think she was right for him. However, it still hurt so much, since I'd fallen for him so fast. I cried a few times, and I don't cry easily! It's really rough when your desires and hormones get all stirred up (NRE) and then you hit a brick wall and everything comes to a crashing stop.

Since him though, I've met another great guy (on ok cupid) who I also relate to really well. We've been dating since August. And he's totally poly, and totally into me. But he's very busy with his new wife and their newly combined family of 5 kids from their former marriages (not to mention his job and his exercise and sports routines). So I am still open to dating others.
 
Replying to Mags' post

Hi Mags,

Thanks for reading my blog and commenting!

I'm also somewhere on the queer spectrum. We have more terms for the categories nowadays, but I have always been comfortable with, and attracted to, androgynous, or non-binary, or genderqueer, or gender fluid, people.

Queer people are awesome! :D

As far as your latest posts, congrats on starting the long hard process of transitioning. I've been there for my partner as she transitioned. She was only 31 when we met, and had started real transitioning only months before. Therapy, prescribed hormones and antidepressants. I was there when she started presenting as female 100%, grew breasts, legally changed her name, did a ton of electrolysis. Soon after we met, she also found a new summer camp for trans youth (age 8-15) in our area, and worked her way up there over 9 years, from the kitchen, to teaching archery, to now being a camp director in charge of daily activities and events.

Thanks! I'm happy to hear your parter has had you on her side to support, and that she has such an amazing job! It's important trans folks get such support in their community.

As far as you getting crushes on unavailable people, such as Morpheus or your gender instructor... a theory is, if you had a distant parent, and haven't dealt with that, you tend to recreate it by falling for unavailable people.

Well, yeah. That is my pattern, to fall for unavailable people. I try to break it, I just don't know how. But I have an idea how to deal with future dates and potential SOs later on.

However, I think Morpheus is confused... I think he is attracted to you as a male, but maybe since you're not on hormones and pre-op, he struggles. (Just a guess?)

Yes, I think so, too. Morpheus is confused, but then again, he has his preferences, and it's ok. I've been working on to let my hopes go. My transition will not change his mind, I think.

I have a transmale friend who is gay, only attracted to men, he's been on T for years. However, while he's had top surgery, he's not had bottom surgery yet, so it's somewhat difficult for him to date. (Although easier for him than many because he's so nice and charming and outgoing.)

Well yeah! Dating it's difficult af for trans people! I'm just starting my transition, so I would pass as a woman, but then again, it doesn't work for me if my date acts and thinks I'm a woman. So, no dates for me for a while. Probably.

Your recent heartbreak with the new person though... that can just happen. It happened to me this summer, I wrote about it in my blog. I only had 2 dates with this guy, and he was also dating someone else, who insisted he be mono with her or lose her. (She said was open to being Open, until he met me and fell for me! Then she got all jealous and wouldn't even consent to him and me being platonic friends.) So even though he and I connected really strongly, hobbies-wise, and sexually, he let me go.

Heatbreak can indeed happen just like that, and it's shitty when it does. I'm glad you survived through your own heartbreak. I'm also much better now, focusing on other stuff. :)


Just generally, I've been busy with my transition. I saw a doctor to get a referral for the trans clinic. The clinic booked me my first visit, it will be on April. Not too bad! Only 3,5 months to wait to enter the diagnostic phase, which will take at least 6 months, but probably a lot more. I also filed an application to change my name. They promised to make the decision quickly, so I'm excited!
 
Almost somewhere

I welcome my new sense of calm. On the other day, I ran into MaryMorstan. We talked a few minutes, and I was fine. I didn't even think about her afterwards, which is a surprise, but a good one. Similarly, Morpheus doesn't cause any bad vibes for me at the moment - we don't talk much, tho.

Furthermore, I'm also getting into a calm space in terms of the new person I broke my heart on. I saw them reaching again out for dates and new relationships on-line. First, I was really angry and hurt - because they didn't message ME and ask for a new date. After all, their excuse was that they were not ready for a new relationship. Well, apparently they are now, because they are explicitly searching for one. So I can only conclude that they don't see me as a suitable partner for them, after all. I'm somewhat defensive about this, because I immediately started to wonder what is wrong with me, then, that they don't want to date me, but somebody else. I guess they don't see me as a good boyfriend material, and that sucks. Again. At the same time, I try to allow my feelings in this. And underneath the feelings of being offended, there is a silent thought that maybe this is, once again, a good thing. It might be that we (me and them) are not compatible after all, although I hoped so very much indeed. It might be that I will be better off without them, although this thought makes me sad. A little bit relieved and comforted, but still, sad.

Then, my marriage. Me and Kay, we are moving to another city, and she has some work-related issues on top of that. I feel she is so busy talking about her work my issues get ignored. On the other hand, she now makes an effort to ask me every now and then how my day was, so I'm not completely reasonable with this. Maybe I'm still reacting to the fact that for a few times, I needed to ask her to listen what happened during my day, after she had blabbed about her work day. I also get grumpy when she talks about her travels to and with her new person. I think I'm sulking a bit. On the intellectual level, I realize that they only see each other by travelling, because of the long distance factor. And of course she misses her GF when they don't see each other for months. On the emotional level, however, I feel somehow ignored and taken for granted. I get the everyday shit (and joy, let's be honest), and her GF gets the rare moments of escape and holiday. I asked Kay (on a rather non-constructive tone), where we would travel next summer, as she was planning some trip with her GF. She didn't know, and that's an indication of a small problem for me. (Luckily, a small problem, not a big one.) Later on, I said I feel we won't have any holiday together with all this travelling, but Kay assured me we will have a couple of weeks holiday together. Which is nice. I didn't have the energy to point out I would like also kid-free holiday with her, preferably including some escape-from-the-everyday factor such as travelling. We surely have many kid-free weekends nowadays, but it's just not the same, as the stress level has no time to reduce after her intensive work weeks. Then again, I try to think that this is temporary in terms of stress (caused by us moving, and her work issues), and during the spring, we might be able to enjoy our weekends with less stress. Maybe on the summer she will have time to go to a cruise with me or something.

I tried to figure out how to indulge myself despite my very low income level, which actually forces us to give up our current apartment and move. I was wondering if I could afford a free of charge cruise. But I'm not sure that is what I actually want to do during the winter - there would be no staring at the see on the ship's deck, because it's way too cold for that now. I also realized that I cannot make commitments to pay anything related to going abroad (cruising would necessarily be that), because I cannot be sure I have a valid passport. Because I filed an application to change my name, and I have to wait for the decision and apply for a new passport, if I get my new name. So my transition prevents some forms of indulgence at the moment, and that is frustrating af. I'm still trying to figure out some other ways to escape my daily routine (or the worrying or whatever it is that is draining my energy).
 
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