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  #161  
Old 07-30-2018, 04:21 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,927
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In other news...MrClean moved his girlfriend, Katniss, in at the beginning of June. They have been together 10 months and couples counselling is already in the works.

Today SLeW broke up with her BF TT2.0 due to different priorities and values. (Dude's response was - "if the sex is OK then what is the problem?") To be fair, OUR relationship (Mine and Dude's) is predominantly sex-based. Being poly, I think that it is fine (getting needs met from people other than ONE). My relationship with MrS is everything-but-sex based. So it all evens out eventually
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JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #162  
Old 07-31-2018, 12:08 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Congrats on selling the house! Well done. As you say, time to drop the ball of angry.
Is paying down the mortgage on Forever home the best return you can do with a lump sum of cash? 3.5% is pretty low for a mortgage.
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Me: mid 40s female.
Prof: late 50s. 5+ years. On again, off again lover
Mr PoD: early 50s. Meet recently. Kinky Dom
Mr Dom: early 50s . Ex BF and now good friend.
Mr Six: early 50s. FWB for 3+ years.
Mr Chef: late 30s. occasional FB?
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  #163  
Old 07-31-2018, 01:56 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
Congrats on selling the house! Well done.
Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
As you say, time to drop the ball of angry.
Yep. I know that I can't control anyone else's actions - only my own. So I did. (I have to give credit to my bestie SLeW for encouraging me to get on with it!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
Is paying down the mortgage on Forever home the best return you can do with a lump sum of cash? 3.5% is pretty low for a mortgage.
I'm not convinced that it is! My investment ROI long-term is significantly better than that. After replenishing my "emergency fund" (tax-advantaged money market account) and holding back what I think will more than cover my capital gains tax on my profit from the sale - I think it likely that I will allocate a significant chunk to my retirement savings. I am a Bogle-Head at heart and love me some low expense-ratio Index Funds. Low cost. Low turnover. Tax favorable. And mutual fund shares (outside of dedicated retirement accounts and the associated penalties) feel far more liquid than home equity should something arise.

I do want to have my mortgage paid off by the time I FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) to minimize my obligatory monthly out-of-pocket expenses post-retirement. But, without a second monthly mortgage payment... I think that I will calculate what monthly payment it would take to pay off the mortgage by my anticipated retirement date and increase my monthly payment to that out of my earned income, and wait to pay off the balance until my deductions get down to approaching the (free) standard deduction. At which time, I should have enough savings to self-insure and drop my Term Life and my Disability policies as well.

The other factor is that, given my profession, I can essentially "retire" and then decide to work as an "independent contractor" (even with my same employer if they offer me enough!) if I feel I need to. My employer discontinued their pension plan some years ago - I took the opportunity, when offered, to roll my pension benefits into our old 403(b) plan (the non-profit equivalent of a 401(k)). {I like the old plan better than the new plan - because it allows me to access the Vanguard index funds that I prefer - Lowest. Expense. Ratios. Ever.) The money in a 401(k)/403(b) is YOURS - your pension depends on the solvency of your company (ask any old airline pilots that you know how THAT feels! - just Googled it, 2002 for United, 2003 for US Airways, 2006 for AA - if you are curious, they are still fighting for their money!)

I used to be all about the Dollar-Cost-Averaging - but the math doesn't hold up vs. lump sum investing. If you have the money NOW, invest it NOW (unless you might need it for something short-term, in which case don't try to out-math the market - you can't!)

The interest on the student loans is even lower but, for me, not deductible. (Oh, the woes of having planned early and positioning myself to take advantage of opportunities to consolidate loans and refinance cheaply when interest rates tanked!) So, mixed feelings there. No rush.

*********************

Doh, I'd apologize for turning my reply into a personal finance essay - but it IS my own blog, and having a "hobby" of personal finance, it's hard not to talk about it!

Another idea that I am kicking around - our oldest nieces/nephews are just getting to the age of part-time jobs. Once they have earned income, I like the idea of opening Roth IRAs for them (you have to have earned income to qualify for a Roth IRA - but there is no requirement that the money has to COME from that income). I could then "gift" them their IRAs for wedding presents or "congrats-on-your-first-real-job" presents, of course the idea is that they would continue to fund them themselves but even if they don't - compounding over decades could get them a great head-start! (Needless to say - between myself and their grandparents, they already have significant 529 assets - my youngest sister's youngest kid was born in November, she had his 529 set up in plenty of time for my annual Christmas contribution that same year!)
__________________
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 07-31-2018 at 02:47 AM. Reason: MORE!
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  #164  
Old 08-12-2018, 01:05 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,927
Default Triggering - don't read if you don't want to

OK I was just replying on the What to Do When a Request is Ignored? thread and found myself feeling defensive. So I am looking at my response and trying to figure out why I am so angry yet still feel the need to couch my reply so delicately so that it is not dismissed.

I had made a comment in a post about intimacy and sex workers. The reply brought up a rather "chicken or the egg" conversation about sex work and intimacy issues and sexual trauma.

I, personally, am intrigued by the possibility of "healthy" sex work. Is it possible to choose to become a sex worker for reasons other than lack of choices and desperation? Part of that involves the definition of "sex work" - if a woman doesn't actually have sex with the client (pro-domme, burlesque dancer, ShowGirl) then that doesn't count? (even thought a lot of the same "debasing women" themes come up?)

When I have tried to have these conversations "objectively" I always minimize my own experiences.

When people point out that sex workers often have a history of sexual trauma, I can't help but think, yes, but so do AT LEAST 20% of all women (which, I suspect is a very low estimate). When you conflate socioeconomic status, financial resources, mental health demographics - I am actually pretty sure that the majority (more than 50%) of minimum wage workers, in general, have had experiences that I would categorize as sexual trauma/assault/harassment. (Actually, if you include "harassment" in the list - I would be hard-pressed to find any female on the planet that has not experienced THAT at least once.)

So why, when I am having these conversations, do I feel so dissuaded from including my own, personal, reactions to what I have experienced?

It is because I am ashamed. And I am ashamed that I am ashamed.

I feel like I should have prevented the things that happened to me, because I am strong and I am NOT afraid! I "should have" responded differently, I "should have" called him out.

I feel that I should not be upset by the things that bother other people because I am not "sensitive" - I am tough, I can "take it".

I AM NOT HELPING OTHER WOMEN BY MINIMIZING MY EXPERIENCES!!!

I am ashamed that I cannot be the advocate that I "should be" because ...


I feel like...If I admit that I am "one of us" that I lose credibility with the people that I could influence...

Like, if I pretend that I am not "one of us" that I can make logical and coherent arguments about how "they" (people who have experienced sexual assault) should be heard/acknowledged. But if I "admit" that I am one of us - then I am damaged, my perspective is skewed, I am "one of them" (those people damaged by being violated).

I never reported my rape. I have always maintained that it was "no big deal", I can handle it. It was a mistake. I'm sure he didn't mean it. I didn't get beaten or hurt or bruised - so how can that be assault? It's "nothing". I woke up with someone's penis inside of me. I yelled "What the fuck?!" and he ran off. That doesn't really count, right?! He probably doesn't even remember, yet I worry that his life has been wracked by guilt...but, I'm "fine" so it doesn't matter.

(MrS was there that night, he offered to "go after" the guy - I said no. He feels guilty that he didn't do more...but I told him to let it go. I tried to talk to Dude about it - and got grilled with a thousand-million questions about if I had flirted with him, and led him on...so I feel that he thinks I am "traumatized" by this more that I do, but also that I am making "too much" of a misunderstanding...)

Fuck.
__________________
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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