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Old 11-10-2010, 04:43 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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My insecurities all stem from not being enough. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not good enough. Not just in poly, but in everything. I used to be a total over achiever, but after a lot of knock downs and things thrown in my face, I've lost a lot of that confidence.

As for our rules, they are for safety, not insecurity. Happy Healthy Sane is our motto. If for any reason this is not happening then it's time to re-evaluate the situation. It's worked well so far.

My insecurities are for me to process and deal with, and while they have boiled over into the relationship Cricket and Karma have, I try very hard to not let that happen.
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Old 11-10-2010, 06:23 PM
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Company Company is offline
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I agree with LovingRadiance the most, I don't have very many insecurities (that I make rules based upon) mostly because I strive to be a very rational person.

A lot of the fear that runs through my head is based on being in control. But I can't always be present for everything that happens, and wanting to be when my own primary being present all the time would drive me nuts is an incredibly unfair to demand to place on someone. Logically, that's a no-win scenario.

The solution I reach for is trust. When I know that my partner(s) won't be inconsiderate towards me just because I'm not around, I worry less about what will happen in those intervals. I make my desires known, and I treat each want, mine or others, as an opportunity to prove just how much the relationship means to me: by executing those desires as well as I can. When it comes right down to it, I avoid making rules. A complete restriction is the surest way to tell someone that you don't trust them. My women know what I want, and if they acted to the contrary then I believe they'd have a good reason. And if they didn't have a good reason for upsetting me, I'd have to be really passive aggressive for three or four days to make sure they'd never do it again. Of course, I'd trust they'd remember how hard it was to re-record all of those teevee shows.

I have a lot more problems with insecurities during fights than I do in the general sense of a relationship. When I'm having a disagreement with someone who I don't feel is even taking the time to listen to what I'm saying, I get upset very quickly. Logic is a double edged sword-- if they aren't listening, why should I bother to stay and chat? Pointless, clearly. Cold and fuming, I tend to storm off. It's not a very attractive habit.
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Old 11-17-2010, 08:49 PM
Passport Passport is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 57

My insecurity comes when there is a serious incongruency between what is being said and the person's actions.

Or between what is being said to one and what is being said to another.

Say what you mean, mean what you say, and if the answer is "I am having an issue, I need time to process and I will talk to you if I need to later" then SAY that - don't tell me you're fine, that nothing is wrong.

Don't tell me one thing and then tell someone else something different - it leads to mistrust.
There are three sides to every story - yours, mine and the truth.
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Old 11-18-2010, 03:55 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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Originally Posted by Passport View Post
My insecurity comes when there is a serious incongruency between what is being said and the person's actions.

Or between what is being said to one and what is being said to another.

Say what you mean, mean what you say, and if the answer is "I am having an issue, I need time to process and I will talk to you if I need to later" then SAY that - don't tell me you're fine, that nothing is wrong.

Don't tell me one thing and then tell someone else something different - it leads to mistrust.
Well said. The same thing bothers me, but I'd never quite crystallized the thought!
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Old 11-21-2010, 11:02 AM
FitChick FitChick is offline
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My insecurity comes from 3 areas, lack of decisive communication(like saying one thing and doing another),being talked about behind my back and having my trust broken. They all make me wary,defensive or angry.
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Old 11-21-2010, 11:07 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 69

I occasionally use the old joke that I don't have insecurity issues, I have a subscription, but poly hasn't really changed my insecurities about relationships much. If anything it's actually helped, because in Tonberry I have a friend whose default response to me expressing interest in someone is "well, don't get your hopes up". Even after I started dating her I had friends who were telling me to be prepared from when we break up because it's going to happen eventually... thankfully not all my friends are so "supportive" anymore.

My poly insecurities, in the end, stem from my personal insecurities. I worry that Tonberry will find someone better than me (more experienced, better able to provide for her, better looking, etc...) and I'll end up becoming a secondary instead of a primary. I'm glad that my only metamour has been quite clear that he doesn't want that to happen, which helps, but during my bouts of depression I do get very anxious about it.
Beyond Tonberry, I have insecurities about dating, because with the exception of her I've never had any luck with it, period. Now I'm going back onto the dating scene with a wife, with raises questions to a lot of people instantly. I worry that I'm just setting myself up to be heartbroken again and again, much like how things ended up with J.
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Old 11-22-2010, 11:58 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,447

I hope it helps you to know I'm not interested in a primary/secondary kind of relationship. I want relationships that are what they are, and I guess at times I'll pay more attention to one of you than the other, but there won't be any rules that one person comes first before the other. While it does mean you won't always come first, it also means you won't always come last.

I feel we have been closer since I've been with Sean than before that, so hopefully it help you realise that you're not taking a back seat You are very important to me.
Me: 32F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 33M, straight
Fox: My boyfriend, 30M, homoflexible
Dragon: Fox's husband (and my ex), 30M, pansexual
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Old 06-29-2013, 04:10 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Default Apparently I am in the mood to dig up old threads

Poking around in old threads today and came across this one - thought I'd revive it.

Reading through these posts it actually made be feel good to realize that I DON'T have a number of these insecurities. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (treated) and realizing that there are so many more things that could bother me that DON'T - I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

For instance, a common insecurity people are mentioning is "feeling left out." Nope - I'm all good on that one. The boys have lots of friends and like to socialize much more than I do. I like being invited, but usually choose to stay home by myself (ahhhhh....quiet). I like that they can go and enjoy themselves without forcing me to come along. They come home and tell me stories and I am just glad that they had a great time.

I also don't have insecurities about being "x enough" (x = smart, sexy, interesting, etc.) I am what I am and people who like me like me for who I am. Not saying that I am perfect or anything (I could stand to lose another 10 pounds for instance) but I'm happy with myself, I think I am actually a pretty nifty person.


Emotional Vulnerability - I am NOT good at this. It takes me a very long time to admit that I have feelings. It makes me squirm and want to run away. (NO IDEA where this comes from - I have never been emotionally hurt, never been heart-broken, I don't know why I fear this so much.) Now that my current relationships are out of the NRE phase this has gotten a LOT better.

Not Having/Sticking To a Plan - Like RedPepper:
I love rules, boundaries, protocol, procedure, and if there isn't any then I seek it out as I feel insecure.
I like to know when/where/what/who the day is going to look like so I can plan accordingly. I think this stems from my need for lots of alone/quiet time - I need to prepare and charge up for social interactions, which requires that I know what they are going to be.

This one does cause problems - while MrS is not a planner himself, he is fine with accommodating MY need for structure; Dude, on the other hand, is pretty much an ANTI-planner - won't make one, won't commit to one, won't follow through on one - wants NO constraints on his time/freedom/attention, desires absolute spontaneity in all things - drives me NUTS (we are working on it).

Those are the two big one's I can think of right now (I'm sure there are more)...


Addendum: on LYING - this is not so much an insecurity as a dealbreaker - I had a friend once that I found out was systematically lying to me - she is no longer my friend. I also refuse to "hold secrets" for other people - if it is something that I have to remember to NOT tell someone else, or could result in ME having to lie for YOU, then don't tell me...period. (Which isn't to say that I relate everything I hear to everyone else, I don't, some conversations are "private" - I am very, very good at "private" but that is not the same as "secret".)
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-always-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (26+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (8+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 06-29-2013, 07:21 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I like rituals.
I like honesty.
I prefer to know the other person so we can hang out as a group when things aren't sexual/personal.
Personal dates are important-but all those other hours of the day-why should either lover be left out?
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 06-29-2013, 08:11 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Posts: 757

Reading through this thread, it struck me that while we often refer to insecurities as if they are logically unjustified - and frequently they are - there are times those "insecurities" are spot on. They are telling us that something is amiss. The trick is to know which is which!
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