very confused

I really don't have much in the way of advice for you, except to tell her you love her and let her know you want her to stay. She's her own person and she'll do what she feels is best for her, and regardless of what you want you can't really change that. She may be letting NRE get the better of her (if they have only been seeing each other for a short time, she may be thinking the grass is greener on the other side. It very seldom is). There is always the possibility that she is not really poly and is using it as a way out. If she does, then I'm guessing she's really not poly after all. If she really wants to leave then sadly there's not much to be done about it. The only thing I can think to say is that if you love her, let her go. If she comes back to you, then you know it was meant to be. This is such a hard thing, and my heart goes out to you. Don't lose hope, though. This may be building up her other relationship to be more than it is. Sometimes people have to try something to realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I wish you the best and I hope things work out for you. If you need to talk, there are lots of great people here.

R
 
Thank you Mono and lost. Im not sure what to do. The hardest part for me is letting go. I have spent almost my entire adult life with this woman. The other hard part is going to be not having my little ones with me everyday. It wouldnt be the same if she stayed with me and I know that she only thinks of me as a friend. But I guess this will be my chance to find who I truly am. This could be the beginning of a great adventure. Dont know, Im so unsure of how to proceed. But I guess nobody ever really knows how to go forward in this situation. I was kinda thinking the same way about the nre but i dont know. The things that k says to me makes me think that she is wrapped up in the moment. The whole grass is greener thing is exactly what I was thinking. Time will tell if her new bf wants a ready made family. I have heard the if you love something let it go, if it returns to you its your to keep. Then somebody added if it doesnt return then track it down and kill it. Dont worry, Im not going to do something like that. Just think Im gonna focus on myself for a bit and get my life together.
 
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Thank you Mono. Im not sure what to do. The hardest part for me is letting go. I have spent almost my entire adult life with this woman. The other hard part is going to be not having my little ones with me everyday. It wouldnt be the same if she stayed with me and I know that she only thinks of me as a friend. But I guess this will be my chance to find who I truly am. This could be the beginning of a great adventure. Dont know, Im so unsure of how to proceed. But I guess nobody ever really knows how to go forward in this situation.

At this point, being sure of what to do is probably a bit much but you can get there my friend. When I separated from my ex wife of 17 years (my fault) I thought I was a dead man basically. I hurt in a way that I can't explain, it was death. But you know what, I made it to the other side and look at me now; in love like never before on a completely different path. But I am happy my friend. You'll get there once you chose your path.

Thinking of it as a new adventure (if that is what it comes to) is an excellent and healthy attitude :)
 
The ups and downs of my emotions are one of the hardest things to cope with. When we talk on the phone, for whatever reason, she always ends with I love you. God I love this woman with all that I am, but when I read the friends with benifits thing, my world started to crumble. K is planning a trip to take our little ones to stay with a close friend, just so happens that H lives like a mile away. Hhmm..... go figure! I think that Im gonna give K her freedom and let her see if this guy can give her what she deserves, happiness. Thats all I ever wanted for her, was her to be happy. But I have learned thru the years that you cant make someone happy, they have to make themselves happy with the choices and people that they surround themselves with. Time will tell. Maybe I will get lucky and K will come back to me, but I dont think that we will ever have the same life. Well, I thank everyone for reading and replying with personal experiences and advice, they have helped.
 
Very interesting weekend. fathers day was sunday, had a nice time with friends and my little family. Talked with K and basically told her that when she makes her trip she needs to spend time with H. The look on her face was pure astonishment. Dont think expected that from me. We talked quite abit on friday nite and saturday evening. Told her my feelings and told her that she is free to do what she thinks is right for her. During our talk on friday nite, she finally let her guard down and opened up. K hasnt been happy for about three yrs. She had planned about 2 yrs ago to leave right before christmas. So I think this latest issue is just her way of trying to justify to herself that she is done, with me and our relationship. I know that she is scared, hell Im petrified,to start over after almost 20 years together. K told me that the plan is for us to move to nevada and for me to go and drive a big rig with her best friends husband, team driving, while her the friend and all the kids stay home. I told her thats not gonna happen, Im not going to be gone from home for 3 or 4 weeks at a time and let her do whatever she wants with someone else. Told her that if she wants to go so bad that her and the kids can move, Im not going. Told her that I would give her time to see if a relationship with H is what she wants. K shot all that down, stating that she wants me and our life. I dont think she knows what she wants. I thought that if I give her time to figure out her wants, that she might choose to stay with me. But I dont know if I can get over the text mess that she sent H. I mean how many people get told after all these years that they are just a friend with benifits. What a crushing thing to say. True feelings coming to the surface? I dont know. It still hurts. Maybe with enough time the hurt will diminish. Sorry so long and scattered, my mind is working that way right now. As always thank you for reading and any comments.
 
Wow...Well, this is my take on it all for now....You have given her the freedom......and like a fly, she is PETRIFIED to have total freedom. She will remain with you, if for no other reason than she is comfortable with you. I found it somewhat humorous that she wanted you to go OTR driving with a friends husband, while the two of them, sit back at home, take your money, and screw who they wish. Wow....what a life. You made the right decision by telling her "no" to that IMO.

I will agree that she probably doesn't have a CLUE what she wants.

As for the text messages thing goes, would it have hurt if you had never known about it? no....and you probably wouldn't have made the choises you have thus far either. However, you HAVE read them, and you HAVE made these choises. So....Now to move FORWARD, and quit rehashing the past. Learn form the past, and don't make the same "mistakes" you have in the past.

If you REALLY wish to stay in a relationship with K, then tell HER that. If, however, you DON'T wish to, you need to tell her that as well.
 
Thank you TL. You are absolutely right, i must get over the past. I must move forward with my life, whether K wants to be apart of it or not. I am looking into changing my career, Im so unhappy where Im at now, and Im making plans for mine and my kids future. We talked for alittle bit last night and I told her that it is her choice what she is going to do, Im not gonna beg her to stay. Also told her that I want to stay here because of opurtunities and our friends, that there is nothing for me in nevada but pain and probaly worse. I think that it would be a slow and painful death to our relationship. So here I sit typing on the computer, watching my little ones play, wondering what the future holds. Im not sure what to expect, but Im fairly confident that I will survive and grow with this life lesson.
 
Im not sure what to expect, but Im fairly confident that I will survive and grow with this life lesson.
I guarantee you that you will survive, and you will learn. I honestly hope things work out for the both of you. I got so lucky to have found my wife so early on in life. I have had the pleasure of growing up with her for the last 20 years. (I am 39 now...wow...the big 4 oh this year...Oh well...Time waits for no-one) If I can be of any help, just ask. If I am hindering you at all, just let me know, and I'll butt out. ;)
 
not butting in at all. My wife and I have been together for 20 years. I will be 39 next month. I feel that we can work this out, I want to work this out. But I must be patient and let K figure out what she wants from her life. So I have mentally prepared myself for the worst, and hoping for the best. I think that is all I can do now, hurry up and wait. Thank you for the insight and suggestions.
 
not butting in at all. My wife and I have been together for 20 years. I will be 39 next month. I feel that we can work this out, I want to work this out. But I must be patient and let K figure out what she wants from her life. So I have mentally prepared myself for the worst, and hoping for the best. I think that is all I can do now, hurry up and wait. Thank you for the insight and suggestions.
Yes, waiting is the hardest part. Try to remain positive. If you think and harp on the worst, it will come to pass. If you think and harp on the best case scenario, then you will find a way to make it happen. ;) The universe will give you everything you request if you know how to ask for it. The way to ask for it, is to believe it wholeheartedly. If you think (even a little) that she will leave, then she likely will....why?? Because you believe she will. Have faith in the universe, and allow the cards to fall where they will. Focus on your children and making them happy. ;)
 
I did volunteer work in grief recovery for 5 years. I had a good friend who had been married for 30 years. Her husband had an affair and left the marriage. My friend still loved her husband, but forced herself to move on with her life. I was part of her life during that process of 7 years as she spread her wings and focused on herself for a while instead of her husband, children, the house etc......She even re-married, but her heart wasn't really in it. She never completed the property settlement with her ex and her new husband had a big problem with that. They fought over that and other things and ended up splitting up after one year. Then, her ex husband came back to her. It was what she really wanted. They have re-married and (since they never sold the house) are living back in the house that they raised their children in and lived in for 30 years. She is glad all of that happened because she is happier now and has learned how to have an identity outside of her husband while still being with him. She says she would not have been able to do it without the time alone.
 
Its very hard to focus on the positive at this moment. I learned today that the plant that I work at will be shutdown for the week after the 4th of july. This is the same week that K is planning a trip to nv. I called and told her about the shutdown, basically Im not invited on her trip.:(. So i sit here alone at the moment trying to find the positive in this, so far its not working. So now I will have a week to myself, this is after we get back from our family vacation to a cabin in the mountains. I think I need to find someone:rolleyes:, I mean something to do. If I sit at home for the week I will go completely crazy, so now I must find things to keep my over active mind from dwelling on the negative. Think Ill try fishing with my friends and see if that helps. I have been talking with my highschool sweetie "L" and she knows what is going on in my life. L is in a very bad marriage and will not leave her terrible situation. We have talked about why women will stay in an unhappy marriage. Im sure that the reason is different for everybody, but I dont know for sure. Thank you all for the words of encouragement, they do help. Im gonna think positive and "see" K staying with me happily.;)
 
Dazed,
I know it's difficult. Do you have any hobbies that might occupy your mind while she is away? I know I like working on my 67 Mustang. It helps me to think about something else and keeps me busy.

Sitting in an empty house masturbating does not count as a "hobby". LOL But on a more serious note....Maybe while she is gone, you might think about going out with some friends. Not just fishing...but go out to a club or go out roller skating, or bowling, or to a movie. Maybe invite your old sweetie out to a movie. (The new karate kid movie is a decent one) It can be completely innocent and doesn't have to go anywhere. Just a couple old friends out to the movies. Basically, go out and ENJOY yourself.

Don't try to ignore the thoughts of K while she is gone....Try to think of how much you love her, and want her to be happy in whatever choices she makes.
 
YAY.. you time! I get that this weekend as Nerdist is off to visit roly. I can't wait to have the house to myself and have many plans. :) look to the positive my friend, it's just a week, a week to get to know and hang out with the one you should love the most. Yourself! What an opportunity!
 
Those are all excellent ideas TL. Unfortunately L doesnt live anywhere close by:(. Although I have asked her if she wants to come visit;). But seriously its just to hot down here for me to go ride and camp. So I think I"ll call some friends and go out to a club, haven't done that without K in ages! I'm planning on keeping myself busy and I might be able to go and do a side job to help keep me focused on the positive. I talked with K last nite and this morning, she still says I'm the one she wants, she wants to stay here with me. Perhaps I am so focused on the negative and my insecurities that I'm not listening with my heart. At the time that I read the text,K says she was exploring her options. So I'm gonna stay focused on the positive and make sure that I'm in the right frame of mind and in a good place in my life and let K make her choice. I will be a supportive and positive part of her life, no matter what her choices are. Again I thank everybody that has given me advice and insight into your lives. Thank you all.:)
 
yup, stay positive and look after you. It's far more attractive I think. More becoming on a person when they are confident, positive and getting on with it.... :)
 
So, just as I was getting settled into my "new" life,K hits me with moving! Not to nevada like I thought, but into a new house. Wow I didnt see this coming. We have been looking for a house on and off for the three years we have been here. She found a great home with property and a very nice backyard, a patio for bbq's and all the things we like to do. K asked me to look at it with her and we did. She asked my opinion about the home, I said that I really like it. I then asked K if she wanted to make that kind of commitment to our relationship and family. Lets face it, buying a home is not something that you walk away from. K still stands by her statement of being committed to me. As I sit here trying to put my thoughts to paper so to speak, I have realized that never did tell K to stop her relationship with H. K on the other hand never offered to stop contact with him either. Funny that I didnt put that "ultimatum" out there. I guess, even though we are still working towards being happy, I never blamed H for our problems. The problems have been mine and K's. Probly alittle more mine than hers, but this whole thing has been a learning process for me. Finding myself and dealing with my insecurity, my depression. My future will be very interesting to say the least.:cool:
 
See? Positive thinking at work already. ;) Good luck and keep us informed.
 
Well, we are getting closer to our family getaway on the fourth. My little family and some friends are going to the mountains for the weekend. I think this will be fun for all of us and hopefully a good stress relief. I plan on taking the week off from work to spend some quality time with me. Thank you TL your comment made me laugh. At least my sense of humor is still working properly, well its proper for me:D.
 
i'm totally new here so i won't offer you advice but just wanted to say that i'm in a similar situation. wife has developed feelings for her ex that she was involved in when she was 16. (she is 39 now). feeling conflicted about the emotional relationship they have even though there is as yet no physical relationship between them.

i do agree that communication is key. my wife and i talked all night last night and it was really uncomfortable and scary but ultimately i think we were able to reconnect after feeling some distance and be totally honest about some stuff.

it sounds like you and your wife also talk openly about your feelings which is good.

i struggle with co-dependency so for me, this is especially hard to stay present and be honest and be ok with "me".

so, i feel for you and just know that you aren't alone.
 
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