The Downside of self Discovery

Thank you

Hi Mono,

Thanks so much for sharing such intimacy with everyone.
Maybe we can share some of our journey & discoveries along these lines.
It would seem that the wonderful relationship you have is illustrating something very important. Love is often about putting someone else s needs above our own, understanding that those needs - at least at that point - are critical to them. Allowing them to trust their "gut" and standing beside them in support is a true expression of love.
The concept of self sacrifice will always be debated so we won't lengthen this by going down that path now.
The place of sexuality in a relationship is something we've spent many hours- even years analyzing. Here's what we've found as our own "personal truth".
In a strong loving relationship (ours anyway), sex is only a minor element in what really bonds us together. Our special relationship is built on all the intimate little life experiences we have shared together. Some joyful, some sad, some just comfortable & fuzzy. And yes - although some of them have been sexual in nature, that piece is really no different then a quiet walk we took along a meandering stream or a night we sat before a fire under a full moon. Those are our heart-bonding pieces.
It seems there is much confusion overall about human sexuality. It's a complicated thing but we often wonder if we're really not responsible for overcomplicating it. It seems to take too high a priority in the bigger scheme of things (to our thinking).
To us, a big part of the sexual piece is satisfying a natural physical need/craving. The setting & mood often determine what that is on a given occasion. Maybe relating it to a nice meal would give us a similar parallel ? We may be in a mood for a particular fare on a given day and someone else may prefer something else. We can all sit down however and share the experience of meeting our current need and the bonding occurs (or can) because of that share experience. We're happy that all involved have had a pleasurable experience.
Your "need" for a mono sexual relationship is not the exception :) And who's to say that it's not the best course for you - at least for now.
The point is - your love for Red - is no more or less real because of that need. Undoubtedly she understands your need, and although painful, because of that love will support you.
Isn't that what it's all about ?
 
Yeah, I get where you are going I think. I should have put this in a blog area, not general discussions. It really didn't belong here. Sorry everyone, Redpepper agrees that If I post something on a forum that I should be open for discussion. My bad.

I'm done
Take care

Sorry about that. I definitely would have read this very differently if it was in the life stories and blog section. :(
 
Insecurities towarsds sex with other partners is a common theme in looking at opening up. It is regularly brought up in discussions as well as during the poly meetings I attend. I find myself defending what is preceived and vocalized as "my insecurities". This is a common theme in most writings around opening up relationships.

OK, got it. I'm fuzzy today and likely not making complete sense of the world, whether reading or writing.

I'm thinking a dose of caffeine and a walk in the snow (oops, stopped snowing and now is just rain) are on the schedule to help clear my head.
 
OK, got it. I'm fuzzy today and likely not making complete sense of the world, whether reading or writing.

I'm thinking a dose of caffeine and a walk in the snow (oops, stopped snowing and now is just rain) are on the schedule to help clear my head.

Snow? Lots of rain here, but no snow. No worries, my friend.

Take care and enjoy your caffeine. :)
 
It is really obvious to me that you have a very strong powerful and deep love for Redpepper,

From reading what you wrote, I understand that you are happy to be in a poly-fi situation between you, Redpepper and her husband, but that it hurts you to think of her with another man outside, and at the moment you have a poly-fi set-up,

However, you are saying that if she does want to bring in a new love that is a man into her life, that you would reshape your love for her, and continue to nurture the friendship without the intimacy.

What I wonder is how easy will this be, to step back from being so intimate, to give up that wonderful thing you have with her, because I know that sex is not everything, but sex is different from making love, and that connection is extremely special. I worry that it would hurt you more to step back and give up the intimacy, and see another man gain that with her.

I hope these questions are not too personal.

Jools
 
what i wonder is how easy will this be, to step back from being so intimate, to give up that wonderful thing you have with her, becuase i know that sex is not everything but sex is diffrent from making love, and that connection is extreemly special,
i worry that it would hurt you more to step back and give up the intamicy, and see another man gain that with her?

i hope that these questions are not too personnal

Jools

Not at all, Jools. :D

The thing is, the intimacy would still be there for me. It is how I would get to communicate it to her that would change. Sex in itself is less important to me than ever, because I understand my relationship to it.

I fully understand how deeply this would hurt her, but would accept that in order to be a part of her life outside of a romantic relationship. We would always be connected and we both know this. It's not a case of all or nothing for me. It is a case of how much and in what context to be healthy. Yes she might lose a lover, but she could keep a very close friend. Or she could chose to reject the new shape of our relationship and I would lose it all. That would be the greatest of tragedies for me.

Of course, it would hurt me to see her have that with another man, but not as much as feeling I had betrayed all I worked to discover in myself. It would not hurt as much as knowing she was denying herself others, as well. Her friendship is more important than her physical intimacy, just as her relationship with her husband is more important to me than her relationship with me.

I have a very strong will, now that I know myself. Lack of will and knowing myself cost the ones I loved in my old relationship immensely. That is a lesson I won't forget.

I am a black and white animal. I have a lot of weakness and a lot of strength. Being alone does not scare me. Hurting people does.

I have no doubt that she is strong enough to tell me if she is denying herself something or that things need to change. She is a amazingly strong person. I count on this.
 
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What would hurt me most would be that you would not be intimate with me if I were interested in another man also. That is what would hurt me. It would make me feel as I did in high school, which is a slut. Reshaping would not be a healthy option for me. Healthy would be to have you in my life as it is now, with all the love I can muster lavished on you to the best of my ability. If I am denied being able to do that, I don't know what I would do.

Luckily, I don't have to go there at the moment, because if I did, my heart would break, end of story. I'm choking up just thinking about it, so that is all I can say for now.
 
What would hurt me most would be that you would not be intimate with me if I were interested in another man also. That is what would hurt me. It would make me feel as I did in high school, which is a slut. Reshaping would not be a healthy option for me. Healthy would be to have you in my life as it is now. With all the love I can muster lavished on you to the best of my ability. If I am denied being able to do that I don't know what I would do.

Luckily I don't have to go there at the moment because if I did, my heart would break..... end of story. I'm choking up just thinking about it, so that is all I can say for now.

God, I totally hear that one RP. Maca is struggling this week. I've been copy/pasting Mono's posts to him in emails and they do seem to be helping, but it's been rough. He's just really dealing with a bunch of his own personal issues, but of course they impact and are impacted by our situation too. :( He couldn't figure out today why I said I was feeling heartbroken. I just stared. I didn't even know what to say. I'm feeling heartbroken because I love him so much and watching this is painful. I can't help worrying that I may be too much for him, and if he left, as you said, my heart would break. I'd be crushed, and as you said, I'd feel like the girl I was labeled in high school, a slut, unworthy of the man/men I love.
 
Woah...no need for anyone to get choked up! Hello....I'm right here. In fact I'm on my way to pick you up right now...I love you XOXOOXOXOX
 
I feel for you, LR. I really do. I understand that feeling all too well. I sometimes wish I could just shut myself off and be mono, for fuck's sake! Some days it's just all a bit too much for me and it causes me so much pain to see Mono in pain. trying to understand. I honestly wish I could throw up my hands and say fuck it, I lied, I'm mono and I want to be with you, and you only. That thought breaks my heart also, as it isn't true and I can't rationalize having a husband and child at the same time. I feel my anxiety rise when I think of this and start going over in my head the possible future. I don't like it. Not one bit.:(

Yes, my friend, I can certainly relate.

Stand strong and true to yourself. I know you are, but know that someone else understands.
 
Mono, I have a bit of a different thought on this than I think has been offered as of yet.

Trust Redpepper.

You are the way you are (that is true for each of us). Redpepper knows who you are. Yet, she is with you. Consider why that may be. To me, it simply means she is willing to accept the way you are. She doesn't feel limited or held back. (At least at this time.) She doesn't have a need to be with anyone else.

Bottom line is, she isn't asking you to change. Why should you think you need to ask that of yourself? :confused:
 
LR and redpepper: It's so refreshing to read what I could be writing myself. I was definitely not labelled a slut in high school, but in my 20s, it was said of me, "I give it six months. You'll be with someone else." and "I thought you were in love with _____".

I can't help worrying that I may be too much for him
This is a big one for me.
 
Woah...no need for anyone to get choked up! Hello....I'm right here. In fact I'm on my way to pick you up right now...I love you XOXOOXOXOX

REALLY?????
Nno need for ANYONE to get choked up? :p You aren't your way to pick ME up! ;)

Just teasing.

I think I'm softly in love with both of you!

By softly, I mean that the pieces of each of you that you have shared with us here, I am in love with all of those. I know that you aren't either a one- or two-dimensional person, and there is so much to each of you that we don't see, know, feel. But the parts we do see-I love!
 
This is a beautiful thread. It gives so much insight and hope into what is the human mind. I envy and respect what you have established within your relationship. The comments that follow the original thought/post are beautiful, as well. It really helps me to understand my two wonderful men.

Redpepper, you put into words feelings that I've been trying to for some time. I love so fully, 110% all of the time and love loving. I love that I am able to love my two guys with a full heart. Each of them is loved fully, in a distinct and individual way, no two the same.

My bf understands how lucky we both are, and has mentioned to me time and again that he recognizes how lucky he is that I have allowed him into our lives so that he can feel that love and respect from a person he respects as an equal.

Redpepper explains for all of us what it is to truly love, as love knows no limits or bounds. At core, it is fidelity, just as LovingRadience described, and respect for another human, amidst the undying care and love that we have for someone on a very universally individual level, if that makes sense.

Mono has expressed for us something that I think many of us have probably looked at or fought with along our journeys. The way you have laid your emotions out and the conclusions you have come to have given insight into our own minds an, at least for me, have allowed me to understand that the people in our lives, they too are on a journey and will find themselves and be stronger for it, if their love is strong enough to begin with.

Absolutely beautiful, all. Thank you for sharing this.
 
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I feel for you LR, I really do. I understand that feeling all too well. I sometimes wish I could just shut myself off and be mono for fucks sakes! Some days it's just all a bit too much for me and causes me so much pain to see Mono in pain trying to understand. I honestly wish I could throw up my hands and say fuck it, I lied, I'm mono and I want to be with you and you only. That thought breaks my heart also as it isn't true and I can't rationalize having a husband and child at the same time.... I feel my anxiety rise when I think of this and start going over in my head the possible future. I don't like it. Not one bit.:(

Yes my friend, I can certainly relate.

Stand strong and true to yourself. I know you are, but know that someone else understands.

Thanks, RP. I needed that. This weekend has helped SO much in the "drama" that was last week (when I posted above). Just getting out of here and being with someone else for a night totally enlightened Maca to so much of himself, parts of himself he didn't even know were there, I think. It's been intriguing to watch and talk about.

I have to stay true to myself. But believe me, if I hadn't found people who understand, I would be SO lost. I know, because I was. That's why I went searching!
 
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