Hey everyone! I've gained so much from reading this forum but I haven't been able to find anything like my situation.
How do you take two male/female relationships and merge them successfully into a FFM Poly romantic relationship?
My best friend and I have finally come to terms with what our relationship is after about 8 months of admitting there was nothing there. I'm just out of a 12 year marriage, he's been hurt by a few bad relationships. We said we were FWB's but it was obvious to all friends that we were more.
A couple of months ago he started hanging out with a new girl, it wasn't serious at first but they have developed feelings for each other. I was hurt when he would spend time with her and not me and we've had some pretty good arguments about it. After the last one I decided that I couldn't so this anymore but I didn't want to lose him, since my feelings for him were deeper than I thought. Looking for some kind of an answer I found Polyamory. Everything I have read is exactly what I'm looking for, I can love him and he can love me, and it's possible for each of us to love someone else.
He and I had a talk about all of this, I showed everything that I had found and he says this is what he wants with me and her, he loves us both. I know the love he has for me is different than what he has for her, but that doesn't mean it's stronger or better and he knows that I love him but it is possible for me to love someone else.
So here's where we need help. How does he explain this to her? Since none of us are Poly now, what can we do to merge all of us? I know that she and I may never best friends or we could be more than that. But now he has to convince a girl who is intimidated and threatened by me because of our history to share him with me, and the possibility of another woman at some point.
On my part, I have no problems with him having a relationship with her. When we talked about this we opened up to each other like never before. I have never felt more connected to him since I now know the dynamics of our relationship and what we both want. (Also that night we had the best ex we've ever had, I believe because a lot of walls between us came down) I was extremely jealous of him spending time with her but I'm not now. He's spending the night with her and it doesn't bother me, I'm at peace with it all now.
He may or may not be talking with her about all this right now, we both agree that this is something that she can't be rushed into and the time for this conversation has to be right. She has told him that she will do whatever it takes to be with him. Am I wrong in thinking that is the WRONG reason to try us being Poly? I want her to want this because she wants it, not to hold onto him or because it's what we want. He told me that if she does not want this then they can't be together anymore. we talked and if that happens and it ends up being just us we won't be monogamous, we will be aloud to explore the possibility of other romantic relationships outside of ours.
I guess I'm just looking for the beat way for him to start this dialogue with her and if she says yes, what is the best way for three newbies to begin this? I know there will be rules that will need to be set in place adn that she and I will have to meet (which I'm looking forward to, and I hope that we can at least be friends). And how do the dynamics of this work when there doesn't seem to be a real primary and secondary?
Sorry for being so long winded, any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
How do you take two male/female relationships and merge them successfully into a FFM Poly romantic relationship?
My best friend and I have finally come to terms with what our relationship is after about 8 months of admitting there was nothing there. I'm just out of a 12 year marriage, he's been hurt by a few bad relationships. We said we were FWB's but it was obvious to all friends that we were more.
A couple of months ago he started hanging out with a new girl, it wasn't serious at first but they have developed feelings for each other. I was hurt when he would spend time with her and not me and we've had some pretty good arguments about it. After the last one I decided that I couldn't so this anymore but I didn't want to lose him, since my feelings for him were deeper than I thought. Looking for some kind of an answer I found Polyamory. Everything I have read is exactly what I'm looking for, I can love him and he can love me, and it's possible for each of us to love someone else.
He and I had a talk about all of this, I showed everything that I had found and he says this is what he wants with me and her, he loves us both. I know the love he has for me is different than what he has for her, but that doesn't mean it's stronger or better and he knows that I love him but it is possible for me to love someone else.
So here's where we need help. How does he explain this to her? Since none of us are Poly now, what can we do to merge all of us? I know that she and I may never best friends or we could be more than that. But now he has to convince a girl who is intimidated and threatened by me because of our history to share him with me, and the possibility of another woman at some point.
On my part, I have no problems with him having a relationship with her. When we talked about this we opened up to each other like never before. I have never felt more connected to him since I now know the dynamics of our relationship and what we both want. (Also that night we had the best ex we've ever had, I believe because a lot of walls between us came down) I was extremely jealous of him spending time with her but I'm not now. He's spending the night with her and it doesn't bother me, I'm at peace with it all now.
He may or may not be talking with her about all this right now, we both agree that this is something that she can't be rushed into and the time for this conversation has to be right. She has told him that she will do whatever it takes to be with him. Am I wrong in thinking that is the WRONG reason to try us being Poly? I want her to want this because she wants it, not to hold onto him or because it's what we want. He told me that if she does not want this then they can't be together anymore. we talked and if that happens and it ends up being just us we won't be monogamous, we will be aloud to explore the possibility of other romantic relationships outside of ours.
I guess I'm just looking for the beat way for him to start this dialogue with her and if she says yes, what is the best way for three newbies to begin this? I know there will be rules that will need to be set in place adn that she and I will have to meet (which I'm looking forward to, and I hope that we can at least be friends). And how do the dynamics of this work when there doesn't seem to be a real primary and secondary?
Sorry for being so long winded, any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated.