V: both partners going to same event

TurquoiseMouse

New member
Summary: I'm the hinge to live-in partner (7 years together, see him every day) and LDR partner (friends 10 years, partners <1, see him every few months). We all share a hobby (Live-in and LDR became friends when I introduced them 7 years ago, are not currently friends, but also don't hate each other). LDR partner travels to lots of events for said hobby. I did also in the past, and have just recently started to again (went to one last weekend by myself, neither partner was there).
There are three coming up (one in spring, two in summer) that LDR partner is for sure going to, I plan on going to, and live-in partner has now also expressed interest in going. Live-in partner has not wanted to go to many of these events in the past (though he is more involved in the hobby lately), and did not want to go to the one that I went to last weekend either (close to where we live). So it makes me wonder if he wants to go to these upcoming events mostly because LDR partner will be there, and he doesn't want to feel left out?
All the events are flying-distance from all three of us, so there would be multiple hotel rooms. Live-in partner is not comfortable observing flirting/PDA between LDR and I. How do I navigate all three of us being in the same space/time share/PDA/not making live-in feel left out, but also getting to spend time with LDR (and other long-distance friends that I don't see much) whom I don't see as often, when live-in probably won't want to be around LDR at all? :confused:
Also, I'm way more of a social butterfly than live-in (made tons of new friends at the event last weekend, and had a blast flitting between groups of friends and doing what I wanted/when I wanted/where I wanted etc), and I wonder if he would be sad if I wasn't by his side the majority of the time at these events. I expressed to him that I would be going to the events solely because I want to attend the events, no matter who else goes. And he said he would want to go "with" me.
Thanks in advance, and I would be happy to elaborate/clarify if needed! :)
 
Sounds simplest to state your purpose in going.

  • I want to do the hobby thing
  • Hang out with LDR partner
  • Hang out with LDR friends
  • Meet and socialize with new people.

And ask him what his purpose in going is. If it is mainly

  • Be with you doing anything or this specific hobby thing?

If it is mainly about wanting to spend time with you doing whatever and not so much the hobby thing? Make a date to do something together then.

If it is wanting to share THIS hobby thing with you.... maybe it could be better to seek venue nearby to share like the one last weekend. Then he can go home when he is full and you want to keep on hobbying. Certainly cheaper and less people to schedule with. You sound like you have enough people schedules to contend with even if he stayed home at some of these upcoming venues.

Or since you list three "away" venues... Could you do one with just him as your focus and leave the other ones for you focus or LDR partner focus?

Choosing to participate with him at something where he can have your undivided attention seems to be the thing.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Honestly i would just find another activity near where you live that the two of you can do together and not include him on hobby stuff
 
So it makes me wonder if he wants to go to these upcoming events mostly because LDR partner will be there, and he doesn't want to feel left out?
You could ask this question!

It sounds like you're wanting to spread your social butterfly wings. It also sounds like you don't perhaps necessarily want live-in partner to go... and cramp your style... ~grins~

Well, I think it's important to be able to spread your wings and do the things that you want to do without worrying about dynamics. I do think it's necessarily to divide things up sometimes.

You say there are three events coming up... What I'd probably do is firstly talk to live-in about what you want to be doing at the events. Explain that you want to be able to mingle, and that might mean he's left alone. Explain that you want to be able to spend time with LDR person. And then ask why, specifically, he wants to come, and if he's down with what you want to do there.

If yes, why not balance it out and give it a go? Perhaps invite him to the upcoming one and do the next one alone, or vice-versa?
 
Ouch. Hard question.

I'm the biggest introvert in our bunch - so I am going to answer from that perspective.

If I am going to an event "with" a particular person, then I want the majority of their attention outside of the event itself - because I don't want to talk to/meet other people. I have had to learn how to go places with Dude, because he always wants to meet new people and socialize and I find myself standing outside the circle and "waiting" until he is done so that we can move on the next thing that "we" (i.e. "I") am interested in. MrS knows my aversion to superficial interactions and is perfectly happy to escort me to the next "thing" - leaving Dude to "catch up" with us later. (If MrS were there with Dude and I wasn't, then he would join in with the socializing - he is flexible that way.)

Luckily, poly actually helps me cope in this regard - because generally I then have several people that I am there "with" and can rotate them as they get distracted. For instance, Lotus invited me to an event with her and her husband (the boys were out of town) - a friend of hers, that I know and am comfortable with, was going to be there. I was nervous but I went! (Yay for me!:p) For the first part of the night I just rotated myself between the three of them so they would each have time to socialize but I wouldn't have to actually talk to strangers beyond introductions. (Then they introduced me to a cool friend of theirs that I found an instant connection with and we talked (and drank) for the next 2 hours - so they were "off the hook":eek:)
 
Thank you all for your advice and insight! I definitely will have some talks with live-in to clarify some things. And it seems like a couple other friends might be going who do not know LDR, so live-in would be able to hang out with them if I'm busy--if he still ends up wanting to go, knowing I will be butterflying :)

EDIT: I think my biggest worry (and this is probably my anxiety making me overthink things) is that live-in will decide he wants to go, and will think that he'll be okay with me sharing my time between him, LDR, friends, making new friends etc, but then won't actually be fine at all...and I'll have to make the choice between enjoying the event how I want to, or supporting live-in. But hopefully it won't come to that at all.
 
Last edited:
Best thing to do is talk to him frankly. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are looking forward to being able to spend time with your LDR Guy, as well as meeting people and enjoying various things that will go on at the event, and that it will be a difficult challenge for you if Live-in Guy is expecting you to be "with" him in a "couple-y" way, so you need him to be clear about his expectations and not to set himself up for disappointment.

Let him know that you are already a little stressed about it because you're not sure how you're going to be able to balance doing all the things you want to do and spending quality time with the people you want to see, in a way that takes care of everyone. Tell him that you hope he will be okay with being independent and not expect to be glued to your hip. If I were you, I'd also express that you are concerned about his feelings on PDAs because you want to have the freedom to organically express yourself that way with whomever you like.
 
Last edited:
Hi TurquoiseMouse,

As far as your live-in partner and LDR partner are concerned, I guess I would suggest dividing your time at the hobby events roughly 50/50 between the two of them. Or 33/33, with the other 33 for general socializing with whomever at the events.

So your live-in partner should expect to get 33% of your time at the hobby events. Make sure he understands that. The other 66% will be stuff he doesn't enjoy, like socializing, and witnessing PDA's between you and LDR. Advise him to plan on doing his own thing during that 66% of the time.

That would be more than fair considering you don't get to see your LDR partner nearly as often as you do your live-in partner. But, I suppose you'll have to discuss it with him and find out what you can both live with.
 
Back
Top