And then there were three...(this is a stream of consciousness)

You have my sympathies. Did you have libido problems before TP started in her poly relationships?

Why did you give your blessing when you're feeling so bad? Or didn't you realise? I have bad feelings about this. TP has Mr A couldn't she step back from this other relationship while you're so unhappy?
 
You have my sympathies. Did you have libido problems before TP started in her poly relationships?

No it's been an ongoing issue. A steady decline now that I think of it...

Why did you give your blessing when you're feeling so bad? Or didn't you realise? I have bad feelings about this. TP has Mr A couldn't she step back from this other relationship while you're so unhappy?

I had thought I'd be fine. I've been through it before, and it has been all right on some aspects: issues with her going out on dates don't bother me. Up to now it's been the one feeling of her attention being divided...it's the reptile brain trying to possess all that's in my domain.

I don't want to have TP step back on my account; I know she would if I asked, and if I had her do that I'd never be okay with her stepping back into it, I'd be keeping the status quo. To move forward I need a push...the libido issue also feeds the reptile brain feelings of inadequacy...she's got to go out because I don't want sex...and I feel horrible because it makes her feel like I dont want her...plus her feeling sometimes runs to being greedy, like you said, she has Mr A why does she want more? And that's not question I've asked nor should she. I will not have her question her needs on my account, I don't need my insecurities dictating someone else's life...

So my issues and insecurities feed her insecurities....but we will work through it, she's understanding and I have clearly established my expectations.
 
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Indigo, I think about the libido thing, what I really want to know is why it's a problem to you.

Is it because of the disconnect between your libido and TP's? Or is it something else?

Having a low libido, in itself, isn't necessarily a problem. It doesn't mean anything about you "not being able to want her" any more than her higher libido makes her sex-crazed.

What often causes problems is the difference between two libidos. And I've known that, and I felt terrible. Just like you I was the partner with a lower libido, and it became lower and lower with time. And I felt terrible that I couldn't provide my partner with what's considered so essential in relationship these days (regular sex). Especially when he didn't have other partners.

In my case, it became worse and worse because I felt worse and worse. My libido is a bit higher now that I've stopped feeling guilty about it, but it's never going to be up the roof. I need to be fine with that.

It's hard to know what's causing you to feel bad. Is it yourself? Is it other people? Is it the comparison to TP, or to other males? Either way, I think I would work on that most of all.

I found that sex became less scary and less daunting when I wasn't expected to provide it. Then it could become something I wanted and enjoyed, and not my duty and responsibility and measure of worth. Most of all, it became much easier when I realised I was only responsible for MY sexual satisfaction, not my partner's.
TP can take care of hers. She has other partners, and I'm sure she knows how to masturbate, too. And with you she can get cuddles as a form of intimacy, I'm sure (unless you are having a problem with these? I'm asking because at some point, I ended up having a problem with even these, because I felt that my partner was resenting me when they didn't lead to sex. So I avoided them altogether, too).

You need to try and let go of your feelings of inadequacy: you're responsible of your own happiness, of your own sexual gratification, of your own everything. Not of hers. You're here to help and support her, but it shouldn't be your burden to match her libido. I'm sure she understands that, but you need to understand it too, not just mentally, but from within. That's own I believe you can get better.

I've been in both positions (of having the higher or the lower libido) and I think that perspective really helped me: when I wanted to have sex and my partner didn't, I realised it really wasn't a big deal at all. That made me relax a lot about the other way around. It always seemed much worse when I was saying "no", like I was denying them some kind of essential right.
But it's really not a big deal. I much prefer being the person being said "no" to than the other way around. Then you just need to know not to insist, and ask if something else (cuddling for instance) would be fine. And sometimes I enjoy the cuddling more than I think I would have enjoyed the sex! As I said, it really helped me not feel guilty (although I'm not completely better about it, at least I get over it much faster).
 
And with you she can get cuddles as a form of intimacy, I'm sure (unless you are having a problem with these? I'm asking because at some point, I ended up having a problem with even these, because I felt that my partner was resenting me when they didn't lead to sex. So I avoided them altogether, too).

Oh, I went throught this when my kids were little. My partner did resent me and when my libido returned, he had stoped touching me. I alway had to initiate things and it felt like an obligitory fuck (to this day, I'm not sure it wasn't). The whole thing snowballed out of control.

All I can say is keep TP in the loop of what is going on and in the mean time, find alternative ways to connect. Hugs!
 
Thank you for your kind words, both of you.

Yes, we have been working on having more cuddles, and other intimate touches that have no expectation of sex attached. I really don't mind being "rejected" ... I mean, what's the alternative, have sex with someone who is not into it? That really defeats the purpose of sex as an expression of love! It feels so very wrong to me.

Sweetie, I love you, and you have such courage to post about this. *HUG*
 
Tonberry, what an excellent post. In answer to your question, my low libido is not an issue for me, it is what it is; that being said in my mind it is an issue for us.

Your points are entirely valid, it is the disconnect between TP and I that is the real problem. But we are working on a 'barter system' now replacing sex with intimacy: cuddling, foot rubs (TP loves her foot rubs) etc.

Just trying to keep my head around the fact that this is me, until there's a fix (hormone treatment) it's me...and we will make it work but I have to work on what you stated: making sure that I get over the fact theres a difference.
 
Well the results are in...literally...and while it's only a small dip, it's still a dip...normal is about an 8 on some scale for testosterone levels, I'm a 6.5...nit quite what I was hoping for....in truth I had hoped it'd be lower and that would account for a lot of the libido issues; but since it's nominally low I guess I've got to put more work in and figure out what's driving it down more...probably what has been said about a guilt spiral making it worse...damn and I thought there would be a magic bullet...oh well, I have to figure out what I need to do since HRT carries some risks...but at least I have a clear course of action even if it's not a total excuse to set me free of guilt...

Im lucky to have the love and support of a good woman and that makes all the difference in the world...
 
Well the results are in...literally...and while it's only a small dip, it's still a dip...normal is about an 8 on some scale for testosterone levels, I'm a 6.5...nit quite what I was hoping for....in truth I had hoped it'd be lower and that would account for a lot of the libido issues; but since it's nominally low I guess I've got to put more work in and figure out what's driving it down more...probably what has been said about a guilt spiral making it worse...damn and I thought there would be a magic bullet...oh well, I have to figure out what I need to do since HRT carries some risks...but at least I have a clear course of action even if it's not a total excuse to set me free of guilt...

Im lucky to have the love and support of a good woman and that makes all the difference in the world...

I am not sure how physical you are. But hard anaerobic exercise is great for your testosterone levels. I am talking on the low rep power lifting side of things. Its also mentally relieving.

In either case, it might help :)... then again, I used to power lift, so I am a fan of moving lots of weight. :)
 
Even a small dip can effect your libido! I had test after test run for years and was told over and over again that is wasn't enough to make a difference. A yr ago I changed to birth control that has no estrogen at all, and suddenly, I'm back to normal. I want sex, I'm off my psych meds, migraines are undercontrol. It's been kind of amazing.

So I went back through all my old blood tests and sure enough my estrogen was on the high side of normal and test. on the low side of normal.

The thing is we all different on what 'normal' is. Just as we women differ from how much is 'normal' for us vs you men. Every individual is different as well. That small dip may actualy be enough to make a huge difference. Advocate for yourself. If you really feel it is the hormones, find a dr that will listen. It took me 6 yrs and threatening a lawsuit to get answers, but I got them and as much as it sucked to go that long, I now have the ability to live a fulfiiled sex life.

And BTW it never bothered me either. Karma used to say I was the only woma alive who would rather clean a house than have sex. But I just didn't care. I didn't feel like I was missing anything, because I was so used to not having it.
 
And BTW it never bothered me either. Karma used to say I was the only woma alive who would rather clean a house than have sex. But I just didn't care. I didn't feel like I was missing anything, because I was so used to not having it.

This is quite common in women after having kids. What I also discovered was that the no sex had a serious negative effect on my moods. So it turned into this vicous cycle.

I agree with Mo - fight for yourself.
 
I found a bodybuilding web page, which lists natural ways to increase testosterone. Apparently, zinc is very important. The page is called "ways-to-increase-testosterone-levels-naturally-without-using-steroids.htm" which you could google to find -- I won't post the link because it's also advertising this guy's business, but here is the things he lists (which should be verified as safe before you do any of these, obviously).

14 ways to naturally Increase your testosterone

1. Get more Zinc

Zinc is very important for the production of natural testosterone because Zinc prevents testosterone from being converted into estrogen (the female hormone) by making the enzyme aromatase not work (see #3 below).

Zinc itself turns estrogen into testosterone and helps produce healthier sperm and higher sperm counts so, low levels of zinc can cause low testosterone levels.

Foods high in Zinc include oysters, beef, liver, crab, seafood, poultry, nuts and seeds, salmon, brown rice, cheese, pine nuts, beans, turkey, milk, yogurt, and cottage cheese or supplement with 50-to-100mg Zinc daily.

2. Eat healthy fats
Research has shown that men who ate diets rich in healthy fats like monounsaturated fats & Omega-3 fats had the highest testosterone levels.
Add more nuts & seeds, fatty fish like salmon & tuna, avocados, olives, vegetable oils, and natural peanut butter.

A very low-fat diet can actually lead to lowered testosterone levels - your body needs healthy fats in order to produce testosterone. This doesn't mean you should eat a REAL HIGH fat diet - Just make sure at least 20-to-30% of your total daily calories comes from healthy fats.

3. Lose body fat
The more overweight you are or the higher your body fat percentage is = the higher your estrogen levels will be. Body fat contains an enzyme, aromatase, that converts your testosterone into estrogen.

Do fat burning workouts to lower body fat, reduce estrogen and increase testosterone.

Try not to cut too many calories when trying to lose body fat because you don't want your body going into starvation mode and cause your body to stop making testosterone.

Make sure you focus on losing 1-to-3 pounds of fat a week mainly thru fat loss workouts and a basic diet plan

4. Get rid of excess estrogen
To get rid of excess estrogen that makes you fatter & weaker so your body can naturally produce more testosterone...

* Eat more RAW cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower, etc.). Cruciferous vegetables contain a chemical called diindolylmethane (or DIM) that helps you rid excess estrogen from your body. You can supplement with DIM to flush out excess estrogen.
* Eat more fiber to naturally cleanse your body and flush out toxins that cause you to have excess estrogen (like the xenoestrogens from #5 below).
* You can also supplement with Red grape skin extract (resveratrol) to help your liver remove excess estrogen.

5. Try to avoid Xenoestrogens
Xenoestrogens are manmade estrogens found in things like pesticides, artificial growth hormones & steroids, air fresheners and plastic containers and these xenoestrogens will increase your levels of the female hormone estrogen while lowering testosterone.
* Eat more organic fruits & vegetables that are free of pesticides. If you buy your fruits & vegetables at a grocery store, make sure you wash them to lower your chances of consuming any xenoestrogens.
* Eat more naturally raised meats without artificial growth hormones and steroids.
* Use glass products to store food & water. Plastic products tend to produce xenoestrogens that'll get into your water & food especially when heated. Even some canned foods contain plastic coatings that contain xenoestrogens.
* Don't use any perfumes, colognes, or air fresheners that have parabens listed as one of the ingredients. Parabens are xenoestrogens.

Note: It's hard to completely avoid all xenoestrogens but if you follow the other tips on this page (especially tips #3 & #4), you can still naturally increase your testosterone while getting rid of excess estrogen without having to worry so much about trying to avoid xenoestrogens.
Note: Since most xenoestrogens accumulate in your body fat - your best defense against xenoestrogens is to lose body fat.

6. Get at least 6-to-8 hours of Sleep every night
A study showed that men who got little sleep had way lower testosterone levels than men who got 6-to-8 hours of sleep and... According to a University of North Carolina study... Your testosterone levels can drop down by as much as 40 PERCENT when you don't get enough sleep.

Testosterone levels tend to be 30% higher in the morning than in the evening and this is why you may be more horny in the mornings.

A loss of morning erections or loss of sexual desire in the morning can be a sign that testosterone is declining, so get 6-to-8 hours of sleep every night because while you're sleeping your body produces the most testosterone and the better you sleep the more testosterone your body will produce while you sleep.

7. Stress Less
When you get stressed out - your body releases a "stress" hormone called cortisol that shuts down testosterone production. Research led by Population Council endocrinologist Matthew Hardy found that stress hormones like cortisol overpower the enzymes responsible for ensuring that cells in the testes produce testosterone.

Cortisol makes you gain belly fat and you already know from #3 above that the fatter you are = you'll have more estrogen and less testosterone.

Stop worrying about the little things, avoid overtraining, and control your temper to reduce your stress levels and increase Testosterone.

8. Take 1000-to-1500mg of Vitamin C per day
Now if you have a hard time avoiding stress - you want to start taking 1000-to-1500mg of Vitamin C per day because...

1. Vitamin C has been shown to lower cortisol levels allowing your body to make more Testosterone and like Zinc.
2. Vitamin C reduces the armostase enzyme that converts your Testosterone into Estrogen.

9. Workout like a man
You can force your body to produce a lot of testosterone with exercise.

* Do Compound exercises that train large muscle groups: Power Cleans, Squats, Bench presses, Deadlifts, Chin-ups, Dips, and Military presses and you can still do isolation exercises like triceps extensions, bicep curls or chest flyes for definition but if trying to boost your Testosterone and build more muscle quickly - stick with compound exercises.
* According to a Swedish study, to get the biggest boost in testosterone when you do your compound exercises use heavy weights that will allow you to only do about 3-to-5 reps per set. Do about 5-to-8 sets of each compound exercise.
* Limit your workout time on those compound exercises to 1-to-2 hours so just do only 1-to-2 compound exercises followed by a few optional isolation exercises twice a week (Mon. & Thur. for example) and as for burning fat...
* Avoid 'sissy cardio' where you walk or run for long periods of time and start doing Manly Cardio workouts like Hill sprints and intervals 3-to-4 times a week and limit your long duration sissy cardio workouts to only 2 times a week.
* Rest harder than you workout. Overtraining leads to more cortisol and lowers testosterone. Try to get 8+ hours of sleep to allow your body to recuperate and produce more testosterone after you workout.

10. Get Sexually Stimulated as much as possible
If you're not getting sexual stimulated or sexual aroused very much right now (especially if you're over 40), you can dramatically boost your testosterone levels by getting sexually stimulated more often.

Start doing almost anything you can to get an erection. German scientists found that simply having an erection causes your levels of circulating testosterone to rise significantly.

Not getting sexual stimulated or aroused for long periods of time can actually decrease your testosterone levels so if you find it hard to get sexually stimulated. You can do all the other 12 things on this page to increase your testosterone which will increase your sex drive or libido making you get sexually stimulated much easier.

You can take a supplement like Horny Goat Weed to make you get sexually stimulated more easier to ramp up your testosterone levels.

11. Make sure you're getting enough Vitamin A, B & E
Vitamins A , B & E (with Vitamin C & zinc) are essential in the production of testosterone. Not getting enough A, B, & E Vitamins will lead to lower testosterone levels. If you're eating plenty of fruits & veggies, lean meats and nuts then you shouldn't have to worry too much about supplementing with any extra A, B, & E Vitamins.

12. Don't overheat your testicles
Your testicles need to be 94-to-96 degrees or 2 degrees cooler than your body temperature to function best and produce the most testosterone.

Stop wearing tight underwear, tight pants, taking long HOT baths, or anything else that overheats your testicles. It's best to wear looser clothes like boxers.

Carrying around excess fat also overheats your testicles so look at #3 again for how to burn fat.

13. Don't Drink Alcohol & Don't eat Grapefruit
Even if you had only 2 drinks a day, alcohol makes it hard for your liver to breakdown estrogen making you have more estrogen & less testosterone.

Alcohol decreases zinc levels in your body and grapefruit can make it hard for your liver to breakdown estrogen.

14. Boost Testosterone 40% with D-Aspartate
D-Aspartate is an amino acid that's produced in your pituitary gland and your testicles (or your balls) and it boosts the production of testosterone.

D-Aspartate also increases sperm production . . . men taking 3 grams of D-Aspartate every morning increased their testosterone by 40%.
 
Well it's been a while, so here's the update.

Blood tests o'plenty and the results: a healthy range for testosterone is between 2.8 and 19.4; I registered at 4.1. So I'm producing testosterone but not a lot, but enough to exclude any chance of hormone therapy. But the brighter side is that the other meds seem to be helping. Working out more, blaming myself less seems to help too.

As for the situation with Mr. A and TP, I worry for her, not in a patronizing way but more in a helpless to do anything way....The prospect of him moving provinces away upsets her.... Though the prospect of having him move in is actually appealing to me. I think partially because I know how happy TP is when Mr.A and I are together with her; and I am sure the fact he and I are good friends is a lot to do with it too.

I posted on a thread today and TP ended up asking if I was now identifying myself as mono (the relationship type, not stealing Mono's identity) and I didn't have an answer. I've not looked for an OSO or even a date in a long while, I don't feel I need it as much as I once was when i was ravenously looking to keep up with TP....I don't know, I'm not shutting out the idea but I am happy where I am now. More confident externally and internally, and generally content where I am in life.

I thought a lot recently about where I am and where I was because of two deaths in the extended family; and I can happily say I like my life, poly included. There's something to be said for a life changing choice that makes the woman I love happy and me a better person for it...I hope Mr. A and TP stay together, they're good together. For that part I am envious because I see them and I want that too...maybe it's greed (my mono brain tells me) maybe not...but love is not finite and too much of a good thing like that can't be bad right?

Ok sweetheart I'm done now, you can read this and get your tired self to bed. I'll put coffee on for the morning....
 
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So had a great Canada Day with TP and Mr. A; we ended up at my parents like the last few years. Their cul d'sac always puts on a potluck BBQ. We didnt give much of a backstory to Mr. A other than he is our friend and down visiting, my parents did meet him at our wedding so it wasn't completely awkward.

The night was great, towards the end my parents, TP, Mr. A and I retreated into their house for coffee while we waited for it to get dark for fireworks. It was at this point that my father and Mr. A started chatting planes (my father having had a pilot's licence) since he was 16 and of course Mr. A is a flight instructor. They seemed to hit it off nicely, I never really doubted they would but TP and I were exchanging happy smiles most of the conversation.

I did mention to my mother that Mr. A would more than likely be moving in with us while he looked for work. I didn't expect there to be objections or any issue, and frankly if there was my mother was SOL since it is my house and my spare bedroom. But she also knows how giving I can be when people really need it, so she was happy that I was helping a friend.

The reality I didn't emphasize was that Mr. A is 95% moving in at this point, since we've not heard from the job opportunity. Already getting questions ready to have a sit down and set up expectations for him, and his for us. Cover foibles and follies for living together. TP is definitely relishing the idea and I see it as her entering a second honeymoon phase with the caveat that there's probably going to be some adjusting on all sides required. I am not very particular about the way certain things are done around the house, but I worry that Mr. A will in fact be reticent to assert his needs and his opinions since he's coming into our house; I suppose I just have to make it clear that while he lives here it's his house too, he's not a houseguest anymore he has rights for his space and how he does things, etc.

But that's communicating with a guy all emotiony and gross....women do that, it comes from their ovaries. :p
 
This is all so exciting!

I'm very glad your father and Mr.A hit it off. It's good that they get along, even if there is no plan on coming out, at the very least they won't be objecting to your "friend" living with you if they like him.
It sounds like you had an awesome day, which is heartwarming. I always love hearing about things like that with "extended family" (I mean Mr. A). It's good to know that you can have family times even without coming all the way out, it gives hope.

About the move, I can imagine a lot of things will change and need to adapt, and there will be ups and downs, but I'm very excited for you guys and I can't wait to hear more about it.
 
Thanks Ton,

You're right about making it easier since my mum without skipping a beat said he's welcome at family dinners; eventually I will have to come out to them, so having a good preexisting relationship with my family will go along way to how they react.
 
So it's been a couple of weeks since Mr. A moved into our house. We (TP and I, though probably Mr. A as well) aren't sure how long he will be staying. As it stands the move really was painless...really couldn't ask for much more than that.

No real complaints about Mr. A or TP, even the sleeping arrangements seem to go smoothly. Even getting quality time together is easy, Mr. A and I...and TP really just discuss what our needs are and we make the plans. Mr. A has even suggested that we do things together..all 3 of us...which is nice to know he is putting in that effort. I guess I should complain about myself since the couple of weeks he has been here I have been having peaks (of the peaks and valleys) of feeling secondary or inadequate. I suppose it really has to do with the fact that TP can be sexually intimate with Mr. A but she and I are still facing problems in that area. Counselling has really helped all aspects of our relationship, except for that...I think we just need to start from the ground and work up, rebuild the intimacy slowly...I know this is the case and it can take time but in the mean time it's frustrating and I am doing my best to absolve myself of the guilt I feel because of it.

As for my libido, it's back to normal, or where I feel it's normal anyway. Though I still don't want to look outside of my marriage for anything, I just want to focus on working with TP....
 
Well it's been a while....I have been focused on my marriage with TP to the exclusion of poly, and to be honest that's the way I like it. While I might come back and make a go of looking for another partner for myself, right now I am very content to be another monogamous arm in the V that is TP, Mr. A, and I.

Well there's plenty to update on: New job...well new position, I'm the boss now at my work and I love it. I haven't felt this good about my work in a long while, it makes me feel confident in myself again: "I'M THE BOSS." not to mention that provincially I am recognised as a bit of a hot commodity since my organization is unique in the province because of how we operate. It's shown me that I can be the confident person I was 5-6 years ago and that makes me feel amazing.

Counseling was/is going well. TP and I had several sessions breaking down where our communication needs were not being met by each other, and we are both working to adjust the behaviours...I say working because it's always a work in progess but there is progress. The libido is back but the counseling really brought out how it's a trust issue between TP and I, trust that I won't hurt her (emotionally) so it's a long road back to trusting me again...and that's fine, there have been some hiccups along the way but I think we are moving forward even if at times it seems like we are sisyphus and trust is our boulder....yeah I rocked that metaphor, suck it Mr. A and your English degree :p....Speaking of Mr. A, he's been living with us now for what....four months? maybe...I dunno...and it's been less of an adjustment than I thought it would be...I like having him around, extra set of hands with chores...and it means I have been letting go of my need to constantly be doing something and have been letting Mr. A and TP do more...I say letting go because TP will tell you I still get antsy if I sit for too long...

TP and are coming up on our first year anniversary this Sunday...I can't believe it's been a whole year, it definitely feels like it (not in a bad way) though I do find myself excited for time alone now and again...but that's not a bad thing is it?
 
Congratulations!
Wow, a year already... Time flies. And four months of living with Mr. A... It feels like it was just yesterday that he moved in with you guys.

I'm glad you're happy :)
 
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