Advice for a Noob

Skater21

New member
Hi all,

My wife and I are new to the whole poly scene and it is very helpful to be on this forum and read all of the advice from the members of this board.

Here is my situation, my wife is going out of town to visit her boyfriend, they are planning to spend four days together. I have given her my blessing and I have communicated briefly with her boyfriend and I'm in a pretty good place as far as being comfortable with the whole situation. This will be the first time either of us has ventured outside of our marriage, and I applaud my wife for being ethical about it and being patient with me as I have been getting myself accustomed to this big step in our life.

Now the hard part, I know my demons and my fears, they lurk just below the surface and come at me at the most inopportune times; like the middle of the night when you need to sleep and your missing your loved one. I have read some really good material on breaking down fears and determining whether or not they are rational, and I know that most aren't. I love my wife and I know that we are going to be together for as long as possible, so I have security there, and I keep trying to remind myself of that. Most times it is good, but when the fear grabs me, rational thought goes out the window. I have actually experienced physical trembling when my demons get a hold of me, something that has never happened to me before. The last thing I want is for my wife to come home from her trip and find a balled up trembling pile of goo that used to be her husband, I want to be strong and happy for her and glad to see her when she comes home.

Does anyone have any advice on how to best deal with the separation anxiety and the fears that I know are going to come, no matter how at peace I feel with it at the moment? Any help is appreciated.

Thanks,
Skater21
 
Hi Skater :)

Firstly, I commend you for stepping into this with such a mature attitude. A four-day stint is quite a big one to take on, since this is your first thing outside of your relationship. You're a brave guy! Braver than I am!

My best advice, since you have already started to think about processing your demons... is to keep busy.

I find that keeping busy is the best thing in the world for these kind of things.

If you're worried that you'll be anxious when she walks through the door... can you arrange to go out with a friend, or something similar, and not actually plan to come back until after she's been home for a little while? That might help.

On the plus side... I've found that once the scary stuff actually happens... it's like a huge relief. Finally, this monster you've been hiding from is right there in front of you. And you don't die. Everything is ok. That really, really seems to cut down how stressful it is after the first time.
 
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=145424&postcount=11

was my reply just now on this same thing.

Perhaps think of ways to demystify your metamour person - the wife's BF.

Because he's helping now to take care of your baby and you love her so and he's prob kinda a strangerish person to you still.

But trust your wife she woulnd't pick out a nut.

Trust yourself that you can behave like an honorable Jedi.

And well... maybe start writing your thank you letter to the dude to mail when she gets home. For taking good care of your sweetie. Who is a treasure to you. And now a shared treasure.

I know it prob goes opposite to every conditioning ever movie, book, relationship whatever you have observed over life.

So what? Dare to be different. You already are in coming this far. Go then. Take it out the other end.

YOU have opportunity here to touch compersion if you can only plant the seeds and endure time in the forge.

So do it -- for YOURSELF. Not your sweetie, or the bf but for YOU.

Grow your heart big enough to take it, and the rewards come in spades.

I'm riding my own gooshy wave right now of recursive compersion and let me tell you... THIS is horrible sweetness. And it hurts me fine, and hurts me oh so good I just puddle.

First time I went there I thought I must be mad, but I was flying on instinct and for a short slice of time I lived in nirvana of a kind.

I'm living in a different nirvana of a kind -- but oh, it spades. Love multiplies. But only if you let it.

HTH!
GG
 
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Thanks all!

Thanks for the support, I'm going to be okay. I'm channeling Gandolf, telling my demons, "You shall not pass!" How geeky was that? Life is good and my wife is the best. I'll be okay.
 
Hugs.

Having just gone through this same thing, I learned the following:

1) Have a mantra you can say to yourself. Put together all of the best intentions that you have into a statement, and write it down. Read it out loud to yourself, record it on your cell phone and listen to it on your headphones, and use it to remind yourself of your true strength, desire for compersion and happiness for your partner.

2) Busy is good. Busy with friends is better. I had a number of friends on standby to talk me through my tougher times, and even had one of them stay over one night.

3) Go for a long walk or run, out in nature. It will clear your head and make you feel better. Exercise like a fiend, it gives you focus, brings you back into your body and helps centre you. Yoga and meditation are good too.

4) Journal, blog, or talk it out to yourself.

5) If you can afford it, schedule a counsellor or life coach session to get ready, and debrief.

6) Don't stay in touch via txt if you're struggling. I did that, and sent a few txts that I was none too fuckin' proud of, and have resolve to never do that again in the future.

7) Have movies that you like to watch, a book that you like to read, a football game to go to... whatever you do to feel good..... DO IT. Have LOTS of things that make you happy that you can do when you're feeling your demons come in.

Be gentle with yourself. This is a big bite to take for you. Not for her. For you. It was too big of a bite for me, and it taught me to be more realistic about the time my partner took with another partner - we're going to baby step it next time, as it was WAY too long for me.

You're courageous, strong and brave. You can do this. But take care of yourself, and be armed with all of the magic that you need to fight your demons the best you can. And you know what? It's okay to have negative feelings - they're feelings too. You don't have to tamp them all down, but if you want to talk to her about them, make sure you're clear about what you need first.

Hugs! And good luck! You can PM me if you want me to give you some backup support during that time, btw - been through it!
 
Forgot to add -- medibate the demons!

Meditate + masturbate = medibate

That's a go to for me -- because sex, even with oneself, releases all kinds of feel good endorphins.

That helps smooth the edges on the ride to me. The "dying in the forge" time. And opens me up to compersion better than "what if" tempest teapotty.

When it comes down to pushing the borders to the edge in Love, out there to the Dark Side of the Force... right on the very line?

What matters then is the direction you face.

So turn your back on the Dark, and frigg yourself over toward the Light, and hopefully your honey will come back to wash you down with compersion to yank you back the rest of the way.

Gooshy, puddle, squishy oooh ahhh release then.

Which is why I write it that way -- it hurts me SO GOOD.

I totally get the Gandalf thing.

For me my mantra is Terry Pratchett in Wintersmith:

“This I choose to do. If there is a price, this I choose to pay. If it is my death, then I choose to die. Where this takes me, there I choose to go. I choose. This I choose to do.”​

In choosing poly, in choosing to open when I choose to open...

I know I'm not going to die DIE. It will just feel that way and feel horrible. But that's the price to feel that good in loving many. The risk. To get to feel so, so good, it is horribly sweet. :D

But the first time in the forge is scary extra because it's NEW. But I'm sure you have stood in other life forges, and endured. The skills transfer. You can hang in there, you can get through this. Do NOT what if. Demystify, OWN it. Because this you chose to do. To go into Hang Time. Swing from the gallows.

Talk to your honey about what you might need for aftercare.

  • I need reconnection with honey.
  • I need acknowledgement of my Hang Time, time spent in the forge not being the fun part
  • I need thanking for that
  • I also need feedback on how I Hung -- did I do it ok? Could I do it better and lessen the Hang Time aftershock? Take it smoother on both of us?
  • I need validation and I need to be told I am loved, and this is shown to me in gentle handling of my heart and feelings

So maybe think about what YOU need for your aftercare.

GG
 
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The way I see it, it's my past vs. our future. My money is on our future!
 
For me my mantra is Terry Pratchett in Wintersmith:

“This I choose to do. If there is a price, this I choose to pay. If it is my death, then I choose to die. Where this takes me, there I choose to go. I choose. This I choose to do.”​

Excellent quote GG!

Skater21 - I don't have anything to add to the excellent advise already given. I definitely love the "channeling your inner Gandalf" imagery. You have the strength inside you to recognize your demons for what they are and that is an essential component of their eventual banishment. Good luck!

JaneQ
 
Forgot to add -- medibate the demons!

Meditate + masturbate = medibate

Hahaha.... I nearly dropped my cigarette... erm, I mean my organic muesli bar... laughing at this.

GG has a point though. I save all my best porn for when GF has date night ;) Though, not because I ever thought of it helping my stress, but because I do love porn.

Ohhh... you could start playing Utherverse. I found that through porn one day. Google it ;) Four days will pass in four hours. You'll come out of it realising you haven't eaten... but, meh, small price to pay.

GG also has a great point about aftercare. One of our guidelines is to understand that all partners can feel a bit stressed/guilty/iffy/misc. bad feeling after sleeping with someone else. Not just the person that's at home. So it's really wonderful when the love can be shared upon partner returning home. I personally feel so much love for my GF when I come home from a date... for me, it strengthens that love, because I am free. I haven't had a date yet, where I couldn't wait to get home to my girlfriend and give her lots of cuddles.

I think you will do great!
 
off topic

Hey I know this is off topic but I couldn't help but think you sound so much like my husband .... I actually read what you wrote to him and he said this guy sounds awesome! I appreciated your geek moment... I think you will be strong and survive the time away from your sweetie by staying busy and positive. My husband copes for my extended disappearances by working out and keeping really busy with things that make him happy and stay positive. We also recently celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary with a romantic dinner and conversation with him was spectacular. We know we want to be with each other as long as possible and that is definitely a contributor of security for both of us.

Anyway I enjoyed your thoughts and the way you expressed yourself. Hope to see more posts here and there from you. I pop in here on occasion..good luck with everything!
 
All good!

My wife leaves tomorrow and I am really feeling at peace right now. Last night we went up into the mountains and had a kind of reaffirmation ceremony. We lit a candle and read the wedding vows that we had written for each other on our wedding day. We each wrote a new section of our vows to express our commitment to each other in a poly environment. It was amazing how the two pieces flowed together, almost like we knew this was going to be our path when we wrote our original vows all those years ago. It was a natural and seemless transition.

We each took a single rose as a symbol of our individual dream of life. We then took a piece of yellow ribbon (home-coming symbolism) and tied the two roses together. The ribbon symbolizes the commitments that we made to each other, tying both our dreams of life together into our shared dream. We left the roses high on the mountain top and came home.

It was a very wonderful experience and it really meant a lot to me. Whenever I feel my self-confidence slipping, I am going to think of that ribbon, and our commitment to each other, that ties our dreams of life together. I will read the vows that my wonderful wife wrote for me and know that I am very secure in my relationship. Vanquishing demons with a single yellow ribbon. I know the demons will still try to find a way to come at me, but I'm not afraid, I'm filled up with my wife's love and know her rock solid commitment to me. My life is wonderful, and I am very thankful for it. :D
 
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That's a lovely ritual shared there. Thank you for opening that up to my eyes. *compersionlove to you and yours*

When I first pledged my troth to DH? I was brushing my teeth in his nasty ass bachelor pad bathroom. Just him and me. I told him I was doomed and I told him I wish I had known it would happen then. I would have put on something else other than nasty old nighties and had the "shazam!" moment elsewhere. Ugh. Now I have to think about his horrible bathroom all my life. LOL.

When I was first handfasted to my DH before people? It was in the woods under 200 roses he and I stapled ourselves to a picnic bench kiosk. It was the secret marriage and only closest friends bore witness and signed our vows. Roses are sweet, and also have thorns. We were it in for the Life ride, ups and downs. Pokey and sweet.

We were city hall-ed later with family and other friends.

We were later ministered on the 10th yr anniv.

We pledge and renew our troth when so moved -- kinda kicking around the 20th yr anniv.

Perhaps this time in international waters by sea captain. hee hee.

You are doing great, letting your marriage grow and evolve and grow with you.

We played this song at every union/reunion of Us even if it was just us singing the last two lines at each other. I gift the lyrics to you if you have never heard Sting sing it.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sting/thesecretmarriage.html

blessings,
GG
 
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Thanks GG,

That is a beautiful song, Thank you for all of your help and support. I got a lot of the ideas for the continuation of my vows from the rights and responsibilities statement on your profile. When my wife had writer's block I reffered her there as well, it was helpful for her too. I know there will be bumps in the road and thorns in amongst the roses, but my wife and I have never been happier, and I know that there is nothing that we cannot overcome, together.

Hugs all around!
 
My husband went on trips with his GF a couple of times. For me, the weird part was never the time that he was actually away - I LOVE being alone, and I looked at these trips as opportunities to spend time in our house all by myself. I also did make sure I had plenty of nice things to do, met up with friends, hosted a dinner for some people my husband is not too fond of, ;) stuff like that.
BUT. For me the moment he came home was always the most awkward and uncomfortable. I don't do well with those moments of shifting gear. And where does one begin to talk about the days that have passed? "how was it?"

So while I realize that this may be very specific to me as a person, my advice would be to really take time to 'get back together' after she gets home. Not let daily chores and responsibilities kick in immediately. Kind of like when you come home from a holiday, you need to ease back into your house and your life.. I always felt it took me some time to ease back into the connection with my husband. Also, ask all the questions you want, but be prepared that the answers may be uncomfortable. (Like when I asked him how many times they'd had sex. I kind of wished I'd never asked).
I guess that's what GG means by aftercare... I need a LOT of it, but what I need the most is for my husband to understand that I need time to readjust.
 
Missing her

One day and one very long night down... still strong in my resolve, but I had a very difficult time sleeping last night. She is not here and it makes it very hard to sleep. I wasn't tormented by demons, I just miss her very much. I hope that she is having a good time, and that their time together is everything that they hoped it would be and more. I just miss holding her and feeling her close to me.

Ahhh... I was going to ask how long I should wait to contact her, but she just called me, which was nice. She is missing me too, says next time I need to come with her. I don't know if that would make it easier or harder, but at least I would be able to be with her. I can't wait for her to come home. :)
 
I guess that's what GG means by aftercare... I need a LOT of it, but what I need the most is for my husband to understand that I need time to readjust.

Bingo. That IS what I mean by aftercare.

People who kink know "aftercare" in BDSM context. But I think the skills transfer over.

It ought to be there in any encounter so people land the Thing well.

Think of how horrible casual hookups can feel if the aftercare is not enough for the Thing that THAT is. It might not need a LOT if both parties went there with the agreement of what the Thing was supposed to be -- a nice fun body fling. So maybe just a parting hug and a "Thanks for sharing you with me" and that's it. With a follow up call to restate that the next day and then part ways both satisfied in the encounter.

But that's a situation that can blow up if both parties were not clear in negotiating a body fun fling. And not everyone is sensitive to that need for baby size aftercare after a casual hookup. It may not have been a HUGE sharing, but a sharing of a kind happened. So seriously -- can't even make one extra phone call?!

It's much clearer in BDSM that some aftercare is a must -- bottoms hitting subspace enter altered states. So they need body checked for broken skin or injury. Psychological damages? Heart dings? What? Coming off the drop -- phone calls over the next few days. An intense scene is intense. But people playing there in that arena of kinkytown know it -- it's so OBVIOUS that there must be good aftercare.

But I think there is aftercare in polyworld too. To me poly is edge play of the heart. We are sharing a huge thing -- our Sweetie! And our Selves!

So... hearts need checking out and gentle handling too. By the Sweetie and the Meta would be nice. There we go again into not as obvious, but still needed aftercare of THIS kind, for THIS thing.

For me? I need to hear at least a "thanks for sharing well" from the Metamour. Doesn't need to be more than that, I don't need to be best friends. I do need to be on good terms for calendar/schedule talks. I do need to have acknowledgement that I'm playing fair here. I need to know they play fair too and respect my need to be shown cordial behaviour and respect my own rship with the shared Sweetie.

I also need to hear same from Sweetie, and I need time to reconnect and rebond with Sweetie across all my buckets -- the buckets of the heart, soul, mind, body. I need this to happen gently, slowly, over a few days. And not feel like that reconnection is some chore thing like washing the dishes being given a lick and a promise.

If I have opened myself to be in a Vulnerable altered state to allow Sweetie a direct joy, I need that appreciated, validated, and reaffirmed at the right volume. When they return. Pay me back, dammit. So I can have my Compersion Alternative Joy of Love Shared.

Do not deny me this opportunity! I don't need to know TMI details of your encounter with your other sweetie. But I need to know it WAS a joy for you, and I want to share in some of that. So let me bask in your Love light a bit.

So yah. Poly aftercare! Isn't the point of chasing the PolyDragon? Love shared?

GG
 
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Ahhh... I was going to ask how long I should wait to contact her, but she just called me, which was nice. She is missing me too, says next time I need to come with her. I don't know if that would make it easier or harder, but at least I would be able to be with her. I can't wait for her to come home.

Aw. That's tender and sweet. :)

She's looking out for you too and doing her poly aftercare to YOU as soon as possible.

I'm so happy for you both on this journey! You guys sound like you are playing it like honorable Jedi.

The edge play of the Heart.

Shine on! :)

Namaste
GG
 
This is quite frankly one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am not sleeping well, I can't stop thinking about her. I'm afraid to text her or reach out to her, because I want to respect her space and their time together. I sit next to my phone hoping it will beep and I can get word from her and have a chance to tell her I love her. The minutes seem like hours. I thought this would be about facing my fears and insecurities, but that hasn't really been a problem, I just miss her so much my heart aches. Don't get me wrong, I would do it all again for her, it is just a lot harder than I thought it would be. She'll be home in about 31 hours and I am so thankful for that.

Thank you all for your support, if I hadn't found this forum, I don't think I would have grown enough to handle all this. The love and support I have gotten from people here, as well as from her good friend who had drinks with me last night, has been amazing. There are good people in this world and I am very lucky to have the support that I have.

Gratefully,
Skater21
 
Hang in there.

Time will pass. You don't have to push the Earth with your foot to make it spin faster. *hug*

Take you out of yourself -- go see a movie, museum. Hang with friends.

If you want to text her, do. Keep it short -- "Goodnight, hon. Hope you are doing ok. Don't want to intrude tho." is fine.

You don't have to be CHOPPED OFF in contact. Just keep it light and bite size and any sane meta should be ok with a goodnight message for chrissake. That's not calling every hour on the hour. And this IS the first time!

You will be ok.

GG
 
Thanks to everyone for your help. I will write more later, but I just wanted to say thanks. My wife made it home yesterday morning, bad weather caused her Saturday flight to be cancelled, but she is home now and we are both very happy about that.

We spent the day yesterday reconnecting, it was wonderful. I am very lucky to have her, and she is lucky to have me. I had a chance to face my fears, and while I stumbled a little, I did not fall. I love her more every day, and I know she feels the same way about me. Our relationship is strong and I don't think there is anything we can't overcome together, that is very reassuring. Thanks again!

Skater21
 
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