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Old 05-22-2018, 04:58 PM
HurtandConfused HurtandConfused is offline
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Default Cheated on with Poly as the reason.

I'm SUPER HESITANTLY re-assessing my definition of relationships, sex, intimacy and possessive feelings because I'm "forced" (ok, not really) to due to my partner having decided that our relationship wasn't making her happy (due to a LOT of things that were my fault) and that (secret) Poly would fix it; but she wasn't very happy with the secret part and eventually I worked it out that she had been sleeping with a friend of hers for the past few months. I never feel like she openly admitted what she was doing, it seemed to trickle out as she reluctantly told me the details when I emphasized questions. Now I (finally, I think) know that she had been emotionally cheating on me for some time, and then after Hurricane Maria (we live in the USVI, our house got minor damage, we rode through the hurricane together with our kids in a bed room) she started sleeping with the friend. She says it fulfills a sexual fantasy that I can't, because it's opposite of what I fulfill for her (and after being cheated on this is pretty hard to hear for me).



Why do I feel so strongly about someone being happy with someone else AND with me, it's like a physical reaction; like I have an ulcer or someone injects me with anxiety when the thoughts come up... but we weren't virgins when we met, why is it different now?

I think the cheating happened mostly because we had an unhealthy relationship and I set myself up for failure in a few ways, I provided everything for a long time (she is certainly contributing now) and when I think back on it I may have been setting up a financial dependency so I felt more permission to "be me" and be less of what she wanted me to be (in the beginning I felt she was very co-dependent (which I thought was very unhealthy, very judgy on my part) and always fawning over me adoring me, I didn't return the same level of attention and I'm sure that's how this all started off). I had different thoughts on topics like drug use etc that I didn't fully respect her on and we clashed over, but I thought it wasn't really a big deal so I didn't understand the reaction to the topic (haha, funny how THAT came back to bite me).

She said that she was very angry at me for a long time because I wasn't fulfilling her expectations until she came to the realization that I was just being me, not doing things to intentionally hurt her; and she could fill those needs with someone else and not have to pressure me for those needs. This makes sense, and I allowed a "friend ship" to progress to "wildly inappropriate levels" (my label) to the point that I knew she was emotionally fulfilling parts of her elsewhere; and we even talked about having open relationships (I was vehemently against, as I've had issues in the past that I haven't worked through fully) and she was just realizing (I think) what her naturally flirtatious nature meant (something I always was at least minorly annoyed by for reasons already stated). She says she was just being selfish and looking for a solution to what she felt was lacking in our relationship; to her this was the perfect fix, to her it wasn't a big deal, to her it was a fix to our relationship and she did not know how badly she would hurt me. She felt bad about lying to me but not very much as she was planning a trip to stay with him for 8 days this june recently (thats when I finally started to get the truth). She says her ideal situation is to have both of us in her life.

Anyway, we are both trying to set the past aside and work things out, I'm still very hurt by the "cheating" (lying really) but why? She says she'll try to work with me but cannot promise anything for the future (which, omg is so honest!) and I strongly feel that if I stay with her it won't be just us in the future.. and maybe it shouldn't be, who am I to stop her from what makes her happy? Hell maybe I'd like to have an open relationship(?). Or I could still just be processing hurt and seeing things the worst way possible according to my current perspective (thanks brain!).

I recently said there's no way we could be in a relationship in the future with her continuing to have outside partners, but why? If she can be happy with me and someone else, why am I stopping her? Jealousy certainly (fear), a sense of in-adequateness and self loathing that I-wasn't-good-enough (basically insecurities, which are MY issue, not hers... still working through these feelings).I feel that our relationship was lessened when she spent the time with him in the past and I was always depressed and KNEW something was wrong when she went on trips with him (yeah, I'm an overly supportive idiot).

Even though we got to this point with her hurting me, I think it was just an inflection point in our relationship, I need to accept her for what she is right now; or not be with her. Or perhaps she needs to do the same to me?

Logically monogamy makes zero sense, I've had the drive to be sexually promiscuous all my life (a drive I've SAVAGELY contained all my life) so why now that I'm interacting with someone else with a similar mind set am I so hurt/betrayed feeling (more of my own personal baggage i'm sure)? Probably doesn't help that she's very attractive and I've maybe always felt like i got too lucky with her and insecurity bla bla blah..

At times we both think we have an awesome opportunity here, that this situation has re-focused our relationship, but I still have heavy trepidation's that the future will mostly likely include something I'm not sure I'm ready for; but we are only 4 days into this, so I don't see how clearly I can be thinking on the topic.
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Old 05-22-2018, 07:34 PM
Evie Evie is offline
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Hi
I'm sorry this is how it all began.
I have no advice, but really wanted to say I'm impressed with your articulate expression of your thought and emotional processing. Your wife, from your description, seems sensible too in that she's being honest rather than making promises she can't keep.
You're right that 4 days is just the beginning.

Kia kaha
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Old 05-22-2018, 07:56 PM
HurtandConfused HurtandConfused is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evie View Post
Hi
I'm sorry this is how it all began.
I have no advice, but really wanted to say I'm impressed with your articulate expression of your thought and emotional processing. Your wife, from your description, seems sensible too in that she's being honest rather than making promises she can't keep.
You're right that 4 days is just the beginning.

Kia kaha
Evie

We are working on just us right now, she has cut off contact with the "other" while we do this and I've talked to him and he understands (she lied to him and said the two of us had an open relationship).

Obviously the cheating was a symptom of the relationship going sideways and our break down of communication (which seems to have greatly improved).

I would hope that we can come out of this and grow together with me being enough for her to feel fulfilled but I don't know, she mentions being very afraid of our relationship going back to what it was and her NOT having another man in her life to fulfill her, she had mentioned previously that she didn't care if the relationship stayed the same as long as she had her other around... This makes me think that the relationship is faulty and the "other" is a band-aid? I feel like these types of relationpships give two "lesser" relationships; but I am probably wrong.

I'm having a lot of shame and negative feelings about myself that are apparently common with infidelity so I'm trying to work on my own insecurities right now (which are probably a large part of the problem).


I would like to get to a space where I am either OK with Poly and feel like I can move forward with it or know for sure I'm not (and these feelings I currently have make me think it's the latter).

I guess I'll just read a few of the threads here and see if I can get anything out of it.

If I were a more secure person I think Polyamor seems like a very interesting prospect, but at the same time it seems it can be a very selfish move also.

Last edited by HurtandConfused; 05-22-2018 at 07:59 PM.
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Old 05-22-2018, 08:08 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings HurtandConfused,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Perhaps your hurt and hesitation comes from knowing you were cheated on, rather than your partner being honest in the first place and telling you what she intended to do, or asking for your consent. Instead, she did it first, then admitted it to you, reluctantly. This probably makes you feel like you can't trust her.

Of course, there may be other things that are stressing you out, such as jealousy or insecurity. Also there is monogamous conditioning, which most of us have been subjected to since we were kids. It is hard to break that conditioning.

Hopefully, Polyamory.com can help you. You seem to want to be okay with poly, but you have to consider that you may be hardwired to be monogamous. You'll need to try to figure out if that's the case. You seem to have some pretty strong reservations against your partner being poly. You seem to be torn up about it. Like you are undecided.

It's good that your partner is willing to put her other relationship on hold in order to give you the chance to collect yourself. Continue to post, and we'll continue to try to help. It's good that you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

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Old 05-22-2018, 08:16 PM
HurtandConfused HurtandConfused is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
You seem to have some pretty strong reservations against your partner being poly. You seem to be torn up about it. Like you are undecided.
Well we had briefly discussed it, and I was uncomfortable, which she noticed so she didn't feel comfortable discussing it.. then she just did it.

But either way, that's past.

Point is, I think our relationship was just probably the furthest possible from being ready for a move like this, and I'm trying to figure out how I can curtail all these feelings I have when I think about them together.

anger, fear of loss/lessening, insecurity... a lot of things that are basically all just in my head and have little to do with her (or even her indiscretion really..).

I'm feeling a lot of things that aren't realistic and it's very frustrating.

Another frustrating thing is that everything I seem to read is Pro Poly and Anti monogomy... this cannot be the case, nothing is black and white, what are the BAD sides of Poly, are there many successful long term Poly relationships or is a long term relationship antithesis to Poly?

And thanks

Last edited by HurtandConfused; 05-22-2018 at 08:28 PM.
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Old 05-22-2018, 08:40 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Glad the jealousy links help.

Re:
Quote:
"What are the *bad* sides of poly, are there many successful long-term poly relationships or is a long-term relationship antithesis to poly?"
I can only speak for myself, I have been in a poly relationship for over twelve years (and it shows no signs of stopping). As for the bad sides of poly, http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell is a good example.
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Old 05-22-2018, 10:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry all this happened.

I'm glad you are re-evaluating. I encourage you to do that.

It may turn out you think poly is fine for other people who can practice it well, but not really for you.

I'm sorry your partner cheated on you and lied to him. If this is the sort of behavior you deal in? It's ok to vote "no confidence" and not want to do poly with her because you don't like how she does it. She might want to go there, but YOU can choose to get off the Bus and not accompany her.

Maybe you decide Poly Town is not a place you want to go to. Maybe you decide to take the trip later on with other people who haven't hurt you in the past.

But this relationship? From the original post it doesn't sound like you bring out the best in each other. It also doesn't sound like you guys were especially compatible or happy together. Just maybe taking a long time to realize it.

Quote:
Why do I feel so strongly about someone being happy with someone else AND with me, it's like a physical reaction; like I have an ulcer or someone injects me with anxiety when the thoughts come up... but we weren't virgins when we met, why is it different now?
Maybe because of how it came to pass -- with the cheating on agreements. Rather than being honest and up front from the start.

Since you are at a cross roads? Could decide if you want to keep investing here or if it is better for your health and well being to just let it go. Like "No hard feelings, I forgive you for the cheating (if you really do). But no, thanks. I don't want to keep going with you and him in some new poly "V" model. I prefer to part ways."

Then you can take all the time you need to heal WITHOUT having the stress of launching a new "V" dynamic on top if it. There's a point where you have to accept that you plate is already too full to take on MORE stuff.

I don't know if this helps you any.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

To me you sound sort of in shock. Like "I cannot believe cheating happened" and you aren't getting time or space to process all that.

Meanwhile, you partner is rushing you to accept a new model without giving you time and space to process that either.

I don't think one can "whitewash" cheating with the poly brush and think it is all ok now.

Quote:
She says she was just being selfish and looking for a solution to what she felt was lacking in our relationship; to her this was the perfect fix, to her it wasn't a big deal, to her it was a fix to our relationship and she did not know how badly she would hurt me. She felt bad about lying to me but not very much as she was planning a trip to stay with him for 8 days this june recently (thats when I finally started to get the truth). She says her ideal situation is to have both of us in her life.
When someone tells you they are selfish? You could BELIEVE THEM. The relationship doesn't sound all that healthy or happy when she lies to him and she lies to you.

If she lies to get what she wants? I wouldn't rush to automatically preserve this relationship. Take a time out and do your soul searching and decide if you really want to continue with her. Do the thinking you need to do from the perspective of what YOU want in a partner, what YOU want in YOUR relationships, what YOU need to feel good and be healthy. Then assess if this partner makes the cut or not.

Quote:
I'm still very hurt by the "cheating" (lying really) but why?
Because most people don't like being lied to. When you cannot believe people at their Word, it makes it hard to trust. It makes an unstable, insecure climate when they are around. You don't know where you are with them and if you are safe of if they're gonna stab you in the back or what.

Because this is NOT poly. This was (cheating behind your back) that is now (continuing to cheat, just out in the open.) With a side helping of lying to him too. Just a big mess.

It doesn't sound like she's owned it, apologized, and asked for forgiveness or how she can begin to make amends. She hasn't cleaned up the old mess, yet wants to jump on to a new thing too fast.

It is not like poly is "magic." One can make new poly or open agreements and then turn around and cheat on those too. It is the character of the person and their ability to keep their Word that upholds agreements. Not the "relationship shape."

I could be wrong, but to me mostly it sounds like she wants to "hurry up" and "sweep it under the rug" so she can get back to her fun. Not really thinking about how she participates with her partners and if she's behaving in loving ways towards you or him. Just running rough over both of you. Again.

Quote:
She says she'll try to work with me but cannot promise anything for the future (which, omg is so honest!)
Why OMG? Basic honesty could have been present all along. Be leery of being all "WOW! I'm so impressed that I finally get basic good manners here!" like you are getting gold when really it's long overdue basics.

Quote:
I recently said there's no way we could be in a relationship in the future with her continuing to have outside partners, but why?
Because you can have you own preferences. She is not the boss of all where what she says goes and everyone else just has to fall in line.

Because maybe you don't want to do poly with her and him.

Because maybe you don't want her to keep making unilateral choices that affect you without you having a voice in the things that concern you.

Because doing poly before building trust up again first is jumping the gun.

Could be lots of reasons. You could sit and articulate what your reasons are.

Quote:
Point is, I think our relationship was just probably the furthest possible from being ready for a move like this, and I'm trying to figure out how I can curtail all these feelings I have when I think about them together.
If she's just gonna go ahead with him even though you think that this relationship is not ready to Open? If he's ok being lied to and keeps on with her anyway? Neither means YOU have to automatically say "Ok" to the New Deal.

You sound like you are being railroaded. It's ok not to like being treated like that.

I think you could be ok feeling however you feel rather than keep trying to talk yourself out of it like your feelings are "broken" or "too much" or need to be "curtailed" or something.

I think you could say "No. This relationship is nowhere close to being ready to poly. If you want to poly now, I cannot stop you. But I do want off this Bus. If you want to poly with me, you have to put in some repair work FIRST. Trust was broken. I'm not willing to go to Poly Town all wonky."

Quote:
anger, fear of loss/lessening, insecurity... a lot of things that are basically all just in my head and have little to do with her (or even her indiscretion really..).
They are not all just in your head. This is happening to you. Agreements were cheated on and it is ok to feel hurt and upset by that.

It is like you are trying to figure out how to turn the feelings "off" and disable the smoke alarm so you don't have to hear the beeping.

I am concerned for your well being.

I am concerned that you have a habit of blaming self for all even when things are NOT your doing or responsibility and that this habit is making you blind to the fact that you are being treated very poorly here.

There can be good poly and bad poly, but to me this is not even poly. It's weird cheating aftermath.

Again -- it's not like polyamory is magically cheater proof. What stops her from making whatever new poly agreements? Saying whatever you and her BF want to hear in the moment? And then does whatever later on? New lies?

Poly has a habit of shining a light on all the cracks. It is neither good nor bad. It just is. So if you are starting poly from wonky foundations? The strain of poly and trying to balance 3 people's wants and needs is going to show them up pretty fast. They are already showing up when its not even begun.

Quote:
I still have heavy trepidation's that the future will mostly likely include something I'm not sure I'm ready for; but we are only 4 days into this, so I don't see how clearly I can be thinking on the topic.
All the more reason to say "No, thank you. I don't want to do poly. I have heavy trepidations, and I'm not sure I can think clearly. So NO. I am not going to agree to doing that."

If it is not a "joyous yes" for you at this time? Don't be doing it at this time.

Instead? Could give yourself the time and space you need to heal from the cheating before taking on new stuff.

There are good and bad sides to poly. Downsides? More people means more stuff to balance, more people to take into consideration. And sometimes that's just complicated and a pain in the ass. Legal problems can be a PITA too. Love might be infinite but money and time to date are not.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ages-polyamory

A lot of of Kathy Labriola's book "Love in Abundance" is on her website as articles.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

Anita Wagner has a lot of articles. Esp the pitfalls.

There's an excerpt listing the downsides from Deborah Anapol's book here .

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-22-2018 at 11:55 PM.
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Old 05-22-2018, 11:37 PM
HurtandConfused HurtandConfused is offline
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My 10,000 word response just got ate by the forum and I'm not sure I have it in me to reply that fully again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
If it is not a "joyous yes" for you at this time? Don't be doing it at this time. Instead? Could give yourself the time and space you need to heal from the cheating before taking on new challenges.

Galagirl
I obviously painted her in a terrible light, she is not currently seeing the other guy, she stopped when I asked her to and canceled the trip she was planning to see him.

we are working on "us" and each other independently, we want to get to a place where if we decided to split up, it would not be traumatic to either of us, and if we decided to stay; we will both be better people.

This event has opened up communication that never existed; we both think this is great opertunity to refocus and improve, continue learning.

I will not impose anything on her, should she want to try Poly and I am not open to it we might be at an end, but it shouldn't be a traumatic end. She might not want to try poly.

I do not think what she did is Poly, it was a factor in why she felt it was OK to do...

Wish my other post had stayed; Thanks for the response, I read it all and replied to every point, but I can quickly summarize it like this: we are very special to eachother, we are both extremely out of the box people and I will not let something like this or my illogical emotions break what we have or could potentially have. I do know the past relationship is dead, it's time to start the new one!

For now I am trying to understand why this was so devastating for me, why it shook myself confidence and made me embarrassed, my Anger/jelousy etc... If I can't figure these things out now any future conversation about Poly will be pretty pointless as well.
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Old 05-22-2018, 11:39 PM
HurtandConfused HurtandConfused is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Glad the jealousy links help.

Re:


I can only speak for myself, I have been in a poly relationship for over twelve years (and it shows no signs of stopping). As for the bad sides of poly, http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell is a good example.
So, when you say you've been in a poly relationship, that sounds singular to me.

This means you have a "main" relationship and the rest are just accessories/alternates? It seems like this is how a lot of what I'm reading about happens, if I'm getting it correctly?
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Old 05-23-2018, 04:05 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtandConfused View Post
... are there many successful long term Poly relationships or is a long term relationship antithesis to Poly?
There are those who would argue that the length of a relationship is not the only measure of its success, but there are fair numbers of us who have been with our partners for a good while. People tend to be more active in forums when they are having problems/questions - once things have settled into the "new normal" there tends to be less to say.
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MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
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