Sageflutterby
Member
I think the one thing about polyamory that has stood out to me is the amount of processing it seems to bring related to self awareness. I still haven't mapped out boundaries of when I should walk per the last conversation on here.
Metamour has written me a letter of apology and indicated she wants to work on herself that hinge and I can have overnights at their house again. Has said she realizes we fill different love buckets for our hinge and called him "ours". I'm not sure how I feel about that, still feels like a perspective based on ownership and learning to share. I've been struggling over the last year with her feelings of entitlement.
After the last post here on the forum, metamour issued a letter of terms of seperation to our hinge, who feels like he can't do much but just accept things as they happen. I had a talk about personal power with him and pointed out his strengths. He waited out the metamour's behaviors, refusing to break from our relationship despite some of the guilt trips and then later her indicating that she was emotional (menstrual cycle and grief from death of relative earlier that year). Hinge is giving her another chance.
She suggested a trip with both our families to San Diego beach. Hinge turned her down and said he needed to see consistency in her behaviors and acceptance, which is when she wrote me the letter. I did tell him I refused the idea of a grouped outing in another city. 1) My first partner doesn't want to hang around my metamour. 2) I don't want to be in a situation where I can't be affectionate and I don't want to be in the middle of a public place or far away from home if she triggers. And 3) I don't want my children anywhere near that drama. Hinge/Awpti told me that he understood and supported my reasoning. It's the first time I felt like he was protecting my emotional health as much as hers, when I was used to my hurt being acceptable collateral damage compared to her anger.
I was invited to their home to overnight, in their bed, when metamour was out of state on a trip. I did give permission to hinge to answer a text message in the middle of sex and collaring because he said metamour doesn't normally machine gun send texts but it turned out she was very sad and wanted his support. I was angry and hurt because our collaring (first time) was interrupted. We did not resume sex and I cried and he comforted me. I told him that I was upset at the feelings of being abandoned in the middle of intimacy and that I felt like she had her other partner with her and could have gotten emotional support from the person who was with her. I have again suggested therapy for metamour, but can't force the issue.
My basic private moments with hinge are in the back seat of my car on Wednesdays (because at my house my toddlers don't leave much time and scream under the door). I am hopeful that metamour does become able to allow me time at their house for privacy. I did have a hotel staycation planned but hinge got sick and pulled a muscle coughing, so I haven't had that opportunity yet.
I have told hinge/Awpti that I do not want a roller coaster ride this year similar to last. I sent my metamour a bouquet of flowers and thanked her for her letter. I do not feel ready to try for friendship again but I'm trying to be flexible and understanding. I have invoked the Tit for Tat strategy from the Prisoner's Dilemma.
I was writing a follow up post because I'm trying to distract myself from missing Awpti. I have done my taxes. I've gotten insurance squared away for myself and my family. I got some cleaning done and grocery shopping. And I've been trying to play Civ 5 while praising my toddlers' drawing efforts. Still having hard time distracting myself.
Have had moments of wondering if I'm just not polyamorous and that was a side effect of being in the fetlife community and accepting that bdsm relationships often run outside marriages. Both Awpti and my newest partner are a bit nervous that I'm going to close the relationship down. None of my relationships include the intense uncontrollable emotions I have with Awpti, which I ascribed to the D/s relationship but I don't really know.
I am enjoying my new partner's company though I've been struggling there. I told him that I didn't consider myself good for a relationship start while I was dealing with my other relationship. And I've been discovering that the person I'm short changing is me, because I am juggling toddlers, work and three relationships. I have gone from partner 1 to work to partner 2 to home to work and some days I am very frustrated that it feels like my partners are getting the brunt of emotional processing. All of my partners have expressed to me that they love supporting me and don't feel any resentment. I check in with them often.
It was a bit of a surprise to me to discover that when other people feel love they are "floating on cloud nine" and "wearing a shit eating smile". I've never felt that rush. I associate love with obligation and taking care of people. Like two oxen in a yoke, I often consider if the other ox falls, am I willing to carry the cart? That's always how I've felt of love. It's chains and fetters to keep me anchored. And I struggle trying to understand how to feel joy. My partners went into polyamory because they value the freedom to fall in love and autonomy.
I never went into polyamory because i was seeking to find freedom to love. I have the freedom to feel what I feel. Whether or not I act on that emotion is a consideration of promises I've made and whether or not I want to deal with the consequences of my behavior.
I am struggling to understand myself and others. And I'm happy to have my relationship with Awpti continue though I find myself dreading this future year.
So, yeah, my metamour wrote me a letter of apology and I sent her a bouquet of flowers and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel so tired. Wistful and hopeful, sometimes content, but lots of tired. This is just an update.
I don't know that I'm seeking advice. I was just posting to journal and to distract myself because I still miss seeing Awpti so much.
And thank you again for the support in December. I really needed that help. Thank you.
Metamour has written me a letter of apology and indicated she wants to work on herself that hinge and I can have overnights at their house again. Has said she realizes we fill different love buckets for our hinge and called him "ours". I'm not sure how I feel about that, still feels like a perspective based on ownership and learning to share. I've been struggling over the last year with her feelings of entitlement.
After the last post here on the forum, metamour issued a letter of terms of seperation to our hinge, who feels like he can't do much but just accept things as they happen. I had a talk about personal power with him and pointed out his strengths. He waited out the metamour's behaviors, refusing to break from our relationship despite some of the guilt trips and then later her indicating that she was emotional (menstrual cycle and grief from death of relative earlier that year). Hinge is giving her another chance.
She suggested a trip with both our families to San Diego beach. Hinge turned her down and said he needed to see consistency in her behaviors and acceptance, which is when she wrote me the letter. I did tell him I refused the idea of a grouped outing in another city. 1) My first partner doesn't want to hang around my metamour. 2) I don't want to be in a situation where I can't be affectionate and I don't want to be in the middle of a public place or far away from home if she triggers. And 3) I don't want my children anywhere near that drama. Hinge/Awpti told me that he understood and supported my reasoning. It's the first time I felt like he was protecting my emotional health as much as hers, when I was used to my hurt being acceptable collateral damage compared to her anger.
I was invited to their home to overnight, in their bed, when metamour was out of state on a trip. I did give permission to hinge to answer a text message in the middle of sex and collaring because he said metamour doesn't normally machine gun send texts but it turned out she was very sad and wanted his support. I was angry and hurt because our collaring (first time) was interrupted. We did not resume sex and I cried and he comforted me. I told him that I was upset at the feelings of being abandoned in the middle of intimacy and that I felt like she had her other partner with her and could have gotten emotional support from the person who was with her. I have again suggested therapy for metamour, but can't force the issue.
My basic private moments with hinge are in the back seat of my car on Wednesdays (because at my house my toddlers don't leave much time and scream under the door). I am hopeful that metamour does become able to allow me time at their house for privacy. I did have a hotel staycation planned but hinge got sick and pulled a muscle coughing, so I haven't had that opportunity yet.
I have told hinge/Awpti that I do not want a roller coaster ride this year similar to last. I sent my metamour a bouquet of flowers and thanked her for her letter. I do not feel ready to try for friendship again but I'm trying to be flexible and understanding. I have invoked the Tit for Tat strategy from the Prisoner's Dilemma.
I was writing a follow up post because I'm trying to distract myself from missing Awpti. I have done my taxes. I've gotten insurance squared away for myself and my family. I got some cleaning done and grocery shopping. And I've been trying to play Civ 5 while praising my toddlers' drawing efforts. Still having hard time distracting myself.
Have had moments of wondering if I'm just not polyamorous and that was a side effect of being in the fetlife community and accepting that bdsm relationships often run outside marriages. Both Awpti and my newest partner are a bit nervous that I'm going to close the relationship down. None of my relationships include the intense uncontrollable emotions I have with Awpti, which I ascribed to the D/s relationship but I don't really know.
I am enjoying my new partner's company though I've been struggling there. I told him that I didn't consider myself good for a relationship start while I was dealing with my other relationship. And I've been discovering that the person I'm short changing is me, because I am juggling toddlers, work and three relationships. I have gone from partner 1 to work to partner 2 to home to work and some days I am very frustrated that it feels like my partners are getting the brunt of emotional processing. All of my partners have expressed to me that they love supporting me and don't feel any resentment. I check in with them often.
It was a bit of a surprise to me to discover that when other people feel love they are "floating on cloud nine" and "wearing a shit eating smile". I've never felt that rush. I associate love with obligation and taking care of people. Like two oxen in a yoke, I often consider if the other ox falls, am I willing to carry the cart? That's always how I've felt of love. It's chains and fetters to keep me anchored. And I struggle trying to understand how to feel joy. My partners went into polyamory because they value the freedom to fall in love and autonomy.
I never went into polyamory because i was seeking to find freedom to love. I have the freedom to feel what I feel. Whether or not I act on that emotion is a consideration of promises I've made and whether or not I want to deal with the consequences of my behavior.
I am struggling to understand myself and others. And I'm happy to have my relationship with Awpti continue though I find myself dreading this future year.
So, yeah, my metamour wrote me a letter of apology and I sent her a bouquet of flowers and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel so tired. Wistful and hopeful, sometimes content, but lots of tired. This is just an update.
I don't know that I'm seeking advice. I was just posting to journal and to distract myself because I still miss seeing Awpti so much.
And thank you again for the support in December. I really needed that help. Thank you.