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Old 07-16-2018, 06:07 PM
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kizmet74 kizmet74 is offline
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Default Am I reading her wrong?

To start, my husband and I are looking for another man and woman for a polyfidelitous roshambo, possibly Bros tho relationship (MFMF, MFFM).

My husband started talking with another woman about 5-6 months ago. At first she was chatty and playful, and says she's looking for the same thing we are. She insists more than four would be too many. After about a month, they decided that they'd be BF/GF pending meeting in person and she was interested in me as well. Shortly after that, she got less and less chatty and almost always bummed saying she was lonely, had no one, and no friends.

We started trying to make plans to go meet her but she was always busy with something else. Then at about 3 months, she started trying to rush us, telling us if we were going to meet we had to do it soon tho she couldn't help with gas money, she also wouldn't help make plans.

We were finally able to get together and meet. We had a good time and didn't leave till 7am the next morning. However, while we were there she continually gave him mixed signals. She would act like and even say she wanted to go further than originally planned. But when he'd move closer to her or even touch her hand, she'd pull away. When he asked her about it the next day, she said she was playing hard to get, that she likes consensual "rape". We, personally, feel that shouldn't be a part of a first date. That sort of play should come later, when a relationship is established.

Since then, we have suggested twice going back out there. First, we were going to pay for everything again. She made excuses why she couldn't. Later, my husband said something to her about going if we had the gas money. She had it, but bought a dildo with it instead. She still insists she wants to be with us tho but only shows it when he says something to her about moving on.

Now mind you, I'd given up on her long ago. I lost interest when she quit being so chatty. My husband, for some reason, is more persistent. I see what I would consider red flags of disinterest. Lack of talking to him but flirting with other men in our Kik group, not using the intro card she asked me to make for her that includes all three of us, ads posted looking for other men with no mention of having a BF or even that he might be a possible 4th, making excuses not to meet up.

My question is, am I just reading it all wrong? Is it all the yrs of being monogamous? Or would he be better off moving on? I feel that if you are interested in a fidelitous relationship of any sort with someone, you should make sure that relationship is solid before trying to add more right off. Am I wrong in thinking this way?
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My husband and I have a polyamory Kik group anyone is welcome to join.
kik.me/g/h6iJzw6EV0ZxZfBeAIlNk5NLWjg
Or search for polylife4us
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  #2  
Old 07-16-2018, 06:37 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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This woman is either no longer interested, a game-player, or a total novice when it comes to non-monogamous relationships.

As for the "playing hard to get"/consensual rape scenario... that is dangerous territory. You don't just go into it like that... these things have to be negotiated AND agreed upon by all parties involved, beforehand.

I'd give this one a wide berth and encourage your husband to do the same.
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Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
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  #3  
Old 07-16-2018, 11:46 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi kizmet,

This woman you guys have been trying to see, she sounds flaky. I personally wouldn't think it was worth pursuing her. However, your husband is still interested in her. I would say let him pursue her; meanwhile, go out and look for other people to date for yourself. I know you are looking for a quad, MFMF or MFFM, but maybe that can just develop a little at a time? Like you and your husband could date separately for the moment? at least until he loses interest in this woman? or maybe he'll get spectacularly lucky and she'll stop being so flaky.

I'm with lunabunny, the consensual rape idea is dangerous territory. You could oblige her, then she could turn around and claim it wasn't consensual. I would almost want a legal contract, if even that would suffice. Yes you would need a well-established relationship with her, and tons of trust. Express this to your husband and make him promise that he will be extremely careful.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-17-2018, 02:22 AM
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kizmet74 kizmet74 is offline
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Thank you both. I figured the replies I'd get would be what I already suspected.

As for the consensual rape thing, he and I are on the same page with that and agree that it's too much to just jump into. I pointed out to him that she could easily claim it wasn't consensual for any reason or none at all. So I don't think he'll go for that. Especially while he's still trying to get a feel for her and determine if she really is interested.

I have voiced my opinion about her to him as well as allowed him to read what others think about it and have decided to let him do his thing and I'll do me and my thing. He's pretty much just started doing to her the same as she's been doing (not talking much and giving her excuses) to see what she does. Guess we'll see what happens.
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My husband and I have a polyamory Kik group anyone is welcome to join.
kik.me/g/h6iJzw6EV0ZxZfBeAIlNk5NLWjg
Or search for polylife4us
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  #5  
Old 07-17-2018, 07:09 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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It sounds like you have the right idea. Keep us posted.
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  #6  
Old 07-18-2018, 05:37 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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kizmet74,

I have to agree that this particular woman seems to be bad news with all sorts of warning red flags.

Are you and your husband only seeking a man and woman to be in a closed quad with you both? Or is that a preference but not the only relationship configuration you'd be interested in? I wasn't sure from your posts if the quad was the only deal in town for you all or not.

If it's quad or nothing, there is nothing wrong with wanting a closed quad. But I have seen over and over again a pattern where another person who is interested in mostly one person in a couple attempts to be on board with being in a triad or a quad because they want to be near the person they are attracted to. Sometimes this is entirely unconscious. Sometimes the person is trying to fit into what they think 'being poly' is all about. Sometimes they really think they can be interested in the other person (or people) in the couple. Sometimes the initial couple puts pressure on another person to fit into a certain configuration, either consciously or unconsciously. The couple may be very rigid in what they can accept from other partners. This scenario, from all involved, rarely ends well. Everyone is disappointed, often feels disrespected and is generally miserable.

I have no idea if this kind of dynamic is going on with you and your husband. But it's so common a situation, I'd thought I'd throw it out there as a gentle warning.
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  #7  
Old 07-19-2018, 08:36 AM
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kizmet74 kizmet74 is offline
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Opalescent,

That is our ideal. We are pretty open to any dynamic tho I would prefer at least a kitchen table type. I know it's not going to be easy to find someone who gets along with everyone. I also know it's not impossible. For me, it's a deal breaker if a guy who is interested in me refuses to even talk to my husband. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable if my husband was dating someone who refused to meet me either, tho I'm not saying I wouldn't let him date anyone he wants to.
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My husband and I have a polyamory Kik group anyone is welcome to join.
kik.me/g/h6iJzw6EV0ZxZfBeAIlNk5NLWjg
Or search for polylife4us
Reply With Quote
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