Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-07-2018, 05:29 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,884
Default

KC...

I have PTSD, anxiety, and depression. It sucks.

You need to find something outside your husband and boyfriend to fill the void and quiet the voices of loathing and self doubt.
I too do not get along with many women. I do not hate or distrust women my hobbies do not typically attract women.

For me my animals are my life line. I enjoy caring for them. For me scooping dog poop, cleaning litter boxes, scrubbing bird poop, and etc is therapeutic.

Honestly I had been in a depression spiral lately. I lost my heart dog to old age in April. I have been heart broken and quietly suffering. All I wanted to do is cry, but my other pets still needed care. (My kids and husbands are wonderful and take care of the pets too but not they way I do it if you know what I mean.) They made me get out of bed and face the day because they needed me.

A week ago I was out to buy bird supplies for the parrot and cockatiel. When I saw a baby ferret. I had a ferret as a child have taken care of many in my years in Zoology and Veterinary medicine. But something about this little dude called to me. I asked to pet and hold him. Butch said something in my eyes changed. Butch looked at the owner and said get him ready to go home..

Toby has been a blessing. He makes me laugh with his antics. He needs me for his care and training. He gives me something else to focus on.

For my introvert middle son. Music is his escape. He will put in his earbuds and get lost in his favorite band.or play his guitar.

For my youngest it is legos and his cat.

Butch it is World of Warcraft.

Murf it is muscle cars, sleep, and his dog.

You just need to find what brings you Zen.
__________________
40 something straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-07-2018, 06:06 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,994
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
I get it because I am much the same way.

Even though my male partner is monogamous with me, I've been known to go into "melt-down mode" if there is even any hint that he is starting to take a special interest in a female friend or is spending a lot of time with someone who seems like she'd be "his type".

The reasons for this are because: 1.) in the past, I've been cheated on in some of the worst ways possible... 2.) when we first started Jester didn't tell me up-front that he was involved sexually with Boho, who was at that time a mutual friend... 3.) I also suffer from high anxiety, depression and trust/abandonment issues.

In your case, KC43, you have another partner (your husband) and your boyfriend sounds like he is a very caring, understanding and supportive person. You've been together three years now, and he already has other partners. If he wanted to leave, he's had plenty of opportunity to do so.

This is the logical perspective, of course, and feelings aren't always logical. U

What you have to fight is the irrational anxieties that plague you, because if you don't combat them to some degree, unfortunately such fears and intense reactions can become a self-fulfilling prophecy over time. (On the other hand, rational anxiety and jealousy sometimes have a place if they're based on fact or experience.) So DO continue to work on constructive ways to deal with these irrational fears and thoughts with your therapist.

I would also suggest developing other interests and friends outside of your romantic relationships, which you enjoy for their own sakes, and on which you can focus and use to fill in time when your partners are not available.

As for HOW to go about doing this, I'm not really sure as I am kind of agoraphobic and suffer from social anxiety. However, there must be hobbies, sports, music, movies, pets and other things that grab your interest. Maybe join clubs or online groups that focus on these subjects or activities.

If you don't particularly get along with or trust female friends, develop platonic friendships with your male friends, new or old, and see them socially whenever you have the inclination and energy. If people judge or gossip, that's on them. Try to take the focus OFF romantic relationships and just live life.
This is all good advice. Thank you. I want to form more friendships with women, as well as with men. Right now, I only have two platonic male friends I ever see, and I only see one of them once or twice a year; all others are either just online or they're "friends" in the sense of "we're friendly to each other when we run into each other at events, rather in the "I can talk to and spend time with this person" sense.

I am definitely working on replacing the irrational thoughts/fears with logic. Sometimes I'm able to do so. Sometimes I'm able to say to Hubby or my boyfriend, "Hey, I'm thinking this thing that I *know* is irrational, could you please give me a reality check?" But it's still a work in progress, though I've made a lot of progress over the past few years.

I deal with social anxiety too. That's the biggest part of what hampers me in my ability to meet people. I am trying to get out more to local munches and that sort of thing, because at least there I'm likely to meet people with whom I have something in common. I don't really have any hobbies, and one of the other things on which I'm working is being able to identify what my interests actually are, because when someone asks me what I'm interested in, I don't usually have an answer.

And living life is the biggest thing I'm working on, and what all of these other things are components of. I *want* to live a life where either those fears don't crop up, or if they do, I'm better at managing them. I *want* to live a life where I don't walk into events and freeze when I try to talk to someone, and where when I do talk to people, it carries over into "Hey, let's exchange numbers and do coffee sometime" or something like that. And I want to live a life where I don't get so hung up on what other people think or might say about me, and just live the life I feel is right for me, which includes not knowingly doing anything harmful to anyone else.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-07-2018, 06:23 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,994
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW, here are my impressions. I don't know if they help you any.

You seem to recognize you got upset because you assumed that after you canceled the date, he'd be home doing his prep stuff for work. Instead, he opted to go out anyway.

Could you change your expectation/belief? That if you cancel plans, he now has free time. And you expect/believe he's gonna go do whatever he wants in his free time. He could sleep, go shopping, see friends, see his other partners. See if changing it helps you feel more at ease because then you aren't caught by surprise.
That is definitely a mental shift I can work on making. It is very rare for me to cancel plans, so this isn't something that's come up before. The only other time I've had to cancel with him was due to a blizzard this winter, when obviously he didn't go out and do anything else either; other than that, our plans only get canceled if he's out of town. And he tries not to be out of town on our date night. So it wasn't really something that had occurred to me before as a possibility.

I think even if I make that mental shift, though, I would still prefer knowing if he goes to see another partner if I cancel with him, if for no other reason than as I said a couple of posts ago, I prefer not to call him when he's with someone else, and it's hard not to do that if I don't *know* he's with someone else. I have access to his calendar for the same reason; he puts planned dates, times with friends, etc. on his calendar for his own benefit, but being able to see those things helps me ensure that I'm not interrupting his time with others by calling or texting unless it's an emergency.

Quote:
This is not enough space. He WAS telling you, as soon as possible. He might not have decided to go out til well after you canceled. Late night diner or whatever and didn't want to wake you from sleep just to tell he had pancakes with his other partner.

But a few minutes into the morning call and then you get mad? Dude, give him at least "somewhere in the next phone call." Be a little more generous and slower to anger. Give some space for the things you want to happen (an update ASAP) to happen IN.
I understand what you're saying, but I didn't expect him to call me and wake me up. He told me that as soon as I canceled, he started calling around to find someone else to see that night. When those plans were made, he could have sent a text saying, "I'm going to see (this person) tonight," and that would have been fine. One of the shifts I need to make in my thinking is that if he doesn't tell me something up front, I feel like he's hiding information from me; that is my problem, and I am working on it, but I still don't see a reason for him not to text me about a new plan, or at least tell me at the beginning of a phone call instead of after several minutes of me talking about something private that I don't want a metamour hearing his responses to.

Quote:
The other thing that seems to upset you is that when you heard about what he did that night, you thought "I am being replaced" rather than "Oh, he did stuff in his free time. I expect/believe he will do that in his free time."

You could stop taking things personally like something is being done TO you rather than just some things happening? When you view the world and its happenings as things being done to you? It's hard to ever feel safe and secure. You might end up always on alert to see what other doom will come. Hypervigilance can be exhausting.

I mean, doom things sometimes do happen to people. But you don't have to fuel it extra. The downward spiral of thoughts -- starting with you thinking you are being replaced and then moving on you envying his social skills, his connections, etc? That part you didn't have to pursue.

Did doing that line of thinking ADD to your "safe and secure" or TAKE AWAY?
There's emotional thought and there's rational thought. On an *emotional* level, based in the issues that I have, it *felt* like I was being replaced. Not I thought, "Oh, see, he's replacing me," but that was how it felt on a deep level. On a *rational* level, I was able to see that that wasn't the case, which is why I identified it as one of the problems with the situation and therefore one of the things I'm trying to solve.

Sometimes making those mental shifts is easy. Sometimes it isn't. But I do try.

I don't think I pursued those things into a downward spiral, though I'm open to the possibility that I did. My intention in following the line of thought, as with many things, was saying, "I have this problem and don't understand why, and that really bothers me. I want to know *why*, because knowing where the problem is rooted makes it easier to find a solution.

Quote:
Rather than giving away (your ability to feel peace of mind) to (him doing check ins)? You could change your expectation/belief that he will do whatever when he has free time. Including seeing his other people.

If you (expect him to/believe he will do other stuff in his free time) then you are (never surprised by it should you hear about it). The ability to feel peace of mind remains in your hands.
I am having a negative emotional reaction to the idea that I should expect him to just do whatever he wants in a situation where we had plans that got changed, and not care what he does or why. I require openness, honesty, and information in a relationship, and I'm genuinely not able to understand the relationship anarchistic thinking of "Everyone does what they want and no one has to tell anyone anything." So I need to think more about this. (I'm definitely not disagreeing with you; I need to do some more mental examination to figure out why that idea bothers me so much.)

Quote:
Nothing. Other than him keeping his Word since he promised you he would not do that. His track record on keeping his Word over 3 years is what? Sounds alright.

You could learn to talk BACK to the "worry voice" when it pops up in your head. It does not have to have the driver's seat.
That is something I need to learn, certainly. And I need to work on believing he will keep his word. Against that, I'm fighting the fact that he is not the first person to make me that promise and then break it. He isn't those other people, and that's something I need to shift in my mind.

Quote:
Have you considered changing the language? Because when you say "I have major trust issues, etc" it's like you have them and will never be rid of them. Gives away your power over your life to the "issues" rather than you keeping the power over your life in your own hands.

If you start to say "I have to manage my ______" then yeah, you still have things to deal with. But the power over your life and over your issues remains in your hands. YOU can choose to manage right now or not manage them right now.

You might have X condition, but it doesn't have to have YOU.

You are not your medical conditions. You are not thoughts or your feelings. You are a person who has to manage some medical issues. You are the person doing some thinking. You are a person experiencing some feelings and either choosing to react to them, respond to them, or ignoring them.

Put YOU back in the driver's seat. See if that helps you feel more secure in yourself and helps you create more peace of mind.

Whatever approach you take, def be kinder to yourself.

Galagirl
Thank you very much, sincerely, for the examples of rewording. I do need to remember that I am not my conditions. I make progress in that area fairly regularly, and then something comes along that throws me off-balance, and I fall back into these old patterns. Again, that is something I have been working on and intend to continue working on, and thank you for calling it to my attention.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-07-2018, 06:29 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,994
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
KC...

I have PTSD, anxiety, and depression. It sucks.

You need to find something outside your husband and boyfriend to fill the void and quiet the voices of loathing and self doubt.
I too do not get along with many women. I do not hate or distrust women my hobbies do not typically attract women.

For me my animals are my life line. I enjoy caring for them. For me scooping dog poop, cleaning litter boxes, scrubbing bird poop, and etc is therapeutic.

Honestly I had been in a depression spiral lately. I lost my heart dog to old age in April. I have been heart broken and quietly suffering. All I wanted to do is cry, but my other pets still needed care. (My kids and husbands are wonderful and take care of the pets too but not they way I do it if you know what I mean.) They made me get out of bed and face the day because they needed me.

A week ago I was out to buy bird supplies for the parrot and cockatiel. When I saw a baby ferret. I had a ferret as a child have taken care of many in my years in Zoology and Veterinary medicine. But something about this little dude called to me. I asked to pet and hold him. Butch said something in my eyes changed. Butch looked at the owner and said get him ready to go home..

Toby has been a blessing. He makes me laugh with his antics. He needs me for his care and training. He gives me something else to focus on.

For my introvert middle son. Music is his escape. He will put in his earbuds and get lost in his favorite band.or play his guitar.

For my youngest it is legos and his cat.

Butch it is World of Warcraft.

Murf it is muscle cars, sleep, and his dog.

You just need to find what brings you Zen.
Thank you, Dagferi. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad you have Toby.

I am looking for things that I can do that bring me joy or at least peace, and that's an ongoing journey. Off and on, I lose joy in things that previously brought me joy. Writing is one of those things, something which was my lifeline most of my life until a few years ago, and I've been working lately with a coach and within myself trying to get that joy back. I'm also looking at other activities to see what else I can find that might draw my interest and give me something enjoyable on which to focus.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-07-2018, 10:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,924
Default

Glad it helped some.

Quote:
I don't think I pursued those things into a downward spiral, though I'm open to the possibility that I did. My intention in following the line of thought, as with many things, was saying, "I have this problem and don't understand why, and that really bothers me. I want to know *why*, because knowing where the problem is rooted makes it easier to find a solution.*
Perhaps the (wanting to know why to that degree) is part of the problem? Like not everything needs to be super precise or super analyzed.
Like making cookies. More or less 1 tsp vanilla is good enough to work out. It doesn't have to be SO precise that you measure out vanilla in drops to be sure it was 98.58 drops.

And some things are just not comfortable. But there's nothing to "solve." I don't love getting allergy shots. They are not comfortable. But there's nothing there to "solve" about it. I put up with minor stink in the short term so in the long term I can do better with pollen.

Sometimes it is ok to feel uncomfortable and go "Well, that felt uncomfortable. I'm choosing to let that one slide by without analysis. If it keeps ON happening, then I'll look at it more closely. But I'm letting it go for now." I think this is like that. Because

Quote:
The only other time I've had to cancel with him was due to a blizzard this winter, when obviously he didn't go out and do anything else either; other than that, our plans only get canceled if he's out of town. And he tries not to be out of town on our date night. So it wasn't really something that had occurred to me before as a possibility.
No need to analyze too deep or seek things to "solve." It was just a new situation because you rarely cancel.

Quote:
I still don't see a reason for him not to text me about a new plan, or at least tell me at the beginning of a phone call instead of after several minutes of me talking about something private that I don't want a metamour hearing his responses to.
At the start of the call vs several minutes later... what happens that is different? Why do you need this to be this precise?

Quote:
I require openness, honesty, and information in a relationship, and I'm genuinely not able to understand the relationship anarchistic thinking of "Everyone does what they want and no one has to tell anyone anything."*
I'm not saying to go to total anarchy. I'm saying try a looser, more relaxed turn around time to see if that might serve you better OVER time.

If it is hard for him to meet the expectation to text immediately because it is too fast? And you worry he won't be able to keep it up and will break his promise?

Could it be loosened to expect a heads up that plans changed within 48 hours? Could that be "soon enough" to feel ok and like you are being updated and kept informed? But “looser” turnaround time for him so it makes it more doable on his side so you don't have to worry that he won't keep his promise?

And on your side... Eventually you may have to stretch yourself if you want to become more emotionally resilient and more able to take unexpected bumps.

Right now you have daily morning calls. Which is a lot of calls. That might work for now to assuage your stress. But OVER time... how does keeping that high frequency of calls help you become more resilient and more able to go for longer stretches without stressing out? You don't seem to deliberately stretch your abilities so you can grow. Then the unexpected stuff doesn't have to throw you for a loop as badly.

Expecting near instant updates is hard to deliver forever on his side. And might inadvertently be keeping you amped up/limiting your "stretch." Like... it solves (stress) in the short term, but ends up dinging your (resiliency) in the bigger picture?

Quote:
Against that, I'm fighting the fact that he is not the first person to make me that promise and then break it. He isn't those other people, and that's something I need to shift in my mind.*
That is correct. He isn't those other people. Taking a small risk by “loosening” the timeframe a bit might help make it more keepable for him and start to give you space to grow too. Not all the way out to "anarchy anything goes." But just a bit wider time frame.

Perhaps pair that with remembering that YOU are in charge, YOU choose to manage your conditions right now or not.

If the anxiety starts to flare up, you could tell self “Ok, Anxiety. You can flare up SOME, but this is too early. It's not been 24-48 hours yet. Don't jump the gun here. And if you get too rowdy I'm cutting you off before you wake up PTSD and depression. I don't need a cacaphony in here with all conditions flaring at once. ”

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-07-2018 at 10:39 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-07-2018, 11:23 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,053
Default

Hi KC43,

It seems that you have some involuntary fears about your boyfriend abandoning you for someone else. To alleviate this fear, you need him to tell you right away if he is seeing someone else instead of you on a particular occasion. He did not tell you right away. He let you down. This is the reason why you were going to break up with him. I can understand. And maybe you would feel better if you had things to do while he did his things, but that's not the case right now.

I sure do agree with Dagferi's quote in her first post here. Love shouldn't be so hard.

Maybe the thing to do right now is to work on your options. That is, work on having alternative stuff to do whenever you and your boyfriend do have to cancel. Be patient with yourself. You have many issues to work around. Maybe you will only develop other things to do a little at a time. But try to think of stuff you would enjoy doing, and see if there aren't any local groups nearby, such as clubs, that do that stuff.

You know this is something you want to work on. Now it's just a matter of figuring out how to work on it. Easier said than done. I do have sympathy for the difficult times you are going through.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-08-2018, 12:08 AM
vinsanity0's Avatar
vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 1,880
Default

KC, one thing I've noticed about you is that you quite rationally figure out whatever it is that causes you problems. The trouble is it's always in the aftermath.

I suffer from anxiety and, lately, depression. Even though I recognize this as things are happening, it is very easy to just let it happen. I really have to reach into myself to overcome it as it is happening. I'm just working on this myself with no real idea what I am doing. I've found that clearing my head and viewing myself with a sort of detachment allows my rational mind to overcome my irrational thoughts.

I don't know if any of this is helpful but I feel your pain.
__________________
Vince 55/het/m
Bella 52/f mono seriously dating
Mary 55/het/f/married platonic LDR
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-08-2018, 12:12 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,994
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Glad it helped some.

Perhaps the (wanting to know why to that degree) is part of the problem? Like not everything needs to be super precise or super analyzed.
Like making cookies. More or less 1 tsp vanilla is good enough to work out. It doesn't have to be SO precise that you measure out vanilla in drops to be sure it was 98.58 drops.

And some things are just not comfortable. But there's nothing to "solve." I don't love getting allergy shots. They are not comfortable. But there's nothing there to "solve" about it. I put up with minor stink in the short term so in the long term I can do better with pollen.

Sometimes it is ok to feel uncomfortable and go "Well, that felt uncomfortable. I'm choosing to let that one slide by without analysis. If it keeps ON happening, then I'll look at it more closely. But I'm letting it go for now." I think this is like that.
I understand what you're saying. I see the way I feel about this particular situation, and the way I feel about his having other partners in general, as a big problem, and it's a thing on which I want to work. I don't think I can work on it if I don't know the root of the issue, or at least without actually knowing what the issue *is*, which is what I was trying to figure out. The issue wasn't *really* that he didn't let me know he was seeing his other partner that night; it was--is--that I don't have enough trust in him not to allow someone else to replace me, because of my own insecurities.

That said, I don't disagree that I might have overanalyzed some aspects of this.

Quote:
At the start of the call vs several minutes later... what happens that is different? Why do you need this to be this precise?
Because as I said, I prefer not to talk to him if he's with someone else. I started a conversation with him on the belief that he was alone, and that therefore whatever I said was private. I wouldn't have started that conversation if I'd known he was with his other partner. I think it's courtesy to let someone know if you're with someone else when you're talking to them; at least, I personally would always let someone who calls me know if there's somebody else present. When I call someone, I have an expectation that the call is between the two of us, not between the two of us plus whoever else is in the room, and I want to know if that expectation isn't being met. It isn't about when I found out he saw his other partner; it's about when I found out he was WITH HER when I called him.

Quote:
I'm not saying to go to total anarchy. I'm saying try a looser, more relaxed turn around time to see if that might serve you better OVER time.

If it is hard for him to meet the expectation to text immediately because it is too fast? And you worry he won't be able to keep it up and will break his promise?

Could it be loosened to expect a heads up that plans changed within 48 hours? Could that be "soon enough" to feel ok and like you are being updated and kept informed? But “looser” turnaround time for him so it makes it more doable on his side so you don't have to worry that he won't keep his promise?

And on your side... Eventually you may have to stretch yourself if you want to become more emotionally resilient and more able to take unexpected bumps.
I agree with your last paragraph. However, I still don't think--and my boyfriend doesn't either, or at least says he doesn't--that it's unreasonable to ask him to let me know if he's seeing someone else on our date night, at the time that he makes those plans. As noted above, it's a rare occurrence anyway. But when I made this request of him, he said he didn't have a problem with it. I'm not asking him to call me, just send a quick text.

Quote:
Right now you have daily morning calls. Which is a lot of calls. That might work for now to assuage your stress. But OVER time... how does keeping that high frequency of calls help you become more resilient and more able to go for longer stretches without stressing out? You don't seem to deliberately stretch your abilities so you can grow. Then the unexpected stuff doesn't have to throw you for a loop as badly.
The daily phone calls aren't about finding out what he's doing with whom, or anything like that. They were his suggestion, as a way of helping *both of us* prepare for our day. If we were living together, I'm pretty sure we would say "Good morning, honey, how are you doing, what's going on with you for today?" Since we don't live together, we call each other instead to say those things. It is a time when one of us might bring up a problem that we need to resolve, but most of the time it's just "Good morning, what's up for you today, hope your day goes well." In my dynamic, I consider my boyfriend's place in my life as equal to my husband's; this is something my boyfriend agrees to. I talk to my husband before he goes to work each day; I talk to my boyfriend before he goes to work each day.

Quote:
Expecting near instant updates is hard to deliver forever on his side. And might inadvertently be keeping you amped up/limiting your "stretch." Like... it solves (stress) in the short term, but ends up dinging your (resiliency) in the bigger picture?
I agree with the last bit of this. As for the updates being hard to deliver, as I said, this request only applies to the very specific, and very rare, occurrence of me having to cancel our date night and him deciding to see another partner. And it is partly so that I don't interrupt his time with that other partner.

Quote:
That is correct. He isn't those other people. Taking a small risk by “loosening” the timeframe a bit might help make it more keepable for him and start to give you space to grow too. Not all the way out to "anarchy anything goes." But just a bit wider time frame.

Perhaps pair that with remembering that YOU are in charge, YOU choose to manage your conditions right now or not.

If the anxiety starts to flare up, you could tell self “Ok, Anxiety. You can flare up SOME, but this is too early. It's not been 24-48 hours yet. Don't jump the gun here. And if you get too rowdy I'm cutting you off before you wake up PTSD and depression. I don't need a cacaphony in here with all conditions flaring at once. ”

Galagirl
This makes sense. Thank you.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-08-2018, 12:20 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,994
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi KC43,

It seems that you have some involuntary fears about your boyfriend abandoning you for someone else. To alleviate this fear, you need him to tell you right away if he is seeing someone else instead of you on a particular occasion. He did not tell you right away. He let you down. This is the reason why you were going to break up with him. I can understand. And maybe you would feel better if you had things to do while he did his things, but that's not the case right now.

I sure do agree with Dagferi's quote in her first post here. Love shouldn't be so hard.

Maybe the thing to do right now is to work on your options. That is, work on having alternative stuff to do whenever you and your boyfriend do have to cancel. Be patient with yourself. You have many issues to work around. Maybe you will only develop other things to do a little at a time. But try to think of stuff you would enjoy doing, and see if there aren't any local groups nearby, such as clubs, that do that stuff.

You know this is something you want to work on. Now it's just a matter of figuring out how to work on it. Easier said than done. I do have sympathy for the difficult times you are going through.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
To clarify, I hadn't asked him previously to tell me right away--or at all--if he is seeing someone else instead of me if I cancel our date night. It hadn't been a thing that happened before, because the only other time I've canceled was due to a blizzard. The request that he tell me right away is for any *future* occasions where this occurs, and only if it's a case where I've had to cancel our date night and he's decided to see someone else. So he didn't let me down on this occasion.

I was going to break up with him because I feel like I don't appropriately or effectively manage my reactions to various aspects of the way he does poly, and although I have made progress in how I handle it and I continue working on it, I *feel* on an emotional level like I'm not getting anywhere. If you're in a situation that continually causes pain, you leave the situation. It also isn't fair to *him* when I have a negative reaction to a situation. So part of the reason for breaking up was so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain generated by the relationship, and part of it was so *he* wouldn't have to deal with *me*.

I am trying to expand my options, but it seems more difficult than it sounds.

Thank you.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-08-2018, 12:27 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,994
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
KC, one thing I've noticed about you is that you quite rationally figure out whatever it is that causes you problems. The trouble is it's always in the aftermath.

I suffer from anxiety and, lately, depression. Even though I recognize this as things are happening, it is very easy to just let it happen. I really have to reach into myself to overcome it as it is happening. I'm just working on this myself with no real idea what I am doing. I've found that clearing my head and viewing myself with a sort of detachment allows my rational mind to overcome my irrational thoughts.

I don't know if any of this is helpful but I feel your pain.
Thank you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with anxiety and depression.

Letting go of the attachment to why things happen, and to the outcome of things, is something I'm working on. To some extent I do want to know why I feel a certain way about something, because I perceive that as helping me figure out *how* to work on it. But I do go overboard at times.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:02 PM.