When to tell the kids

It's a difficult thing.
I still don't know what to do.
We will figure it out finally. I think.

And I hope that it is the right thing for the kids they are priority nr1 for me.
 
Hi Martinus,

Just to clarify, my understanding from your above posts is that you are going to tell the kids before the campout/vacation/holiday, then, right after the vacation, you will tell the world in general. So the kids will only "have to" keep the secret for the duration of your trip, am I understanding that correctly?

Also, my understanding is that you're not going to do anything intense in front of the kids (such as passionate kissing), you are just going to do light things, and things the kids are already used to seeing. Am I understanding that correctly?

If I'm understanding you correctly, then I think that you are going about things in the right way. Things won't be perfect when you tell the kids, but I think they will adjust okay.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It's a difficult thing.
I still don't know what to do.
We will figure it out finally. I think.

And I hope that it is the right thing for the kids they are priority nr1 for me.

Talk it out with your partners, lay everything out on the table with everyone
 
Hi Martinus,

Just to clarify, my understanding from your above posts is that you are going to tell the kids before the campout/vacation/holiday, then, right after the vacation, you will tell the world in general. So the kids will only "have to" keep the secret for the duration of your trip, am I understanding that correctly?

Also, my understanding is that you're not going to do anything intense in front of the kids (such as passionate kissing), you are just going to do light things, and things the kids are already used to seeing. Am I understanding that correctly?

If I'm understanding you correctly, then I think that you are going about things in the right way. Things won't be perfect when you tell the kids, but I think they will adjust okay.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Exactly what I mean.
 
Our triad got together one February. We didn’t kiss in front of my kids till at least October, and even then, only They had plenty of time to process first, and it was while they were occupied— we were all at a fair together— and they had plenty of time to get over the dating thing first.

We NEVER kissed in front one partner’s mom. She wouldn’t have been comfortable.

I still don’t kiss in front of my kids with a date until they really are comfortable and have time to process.

I would say keep PDA’s to yourselves for a reasonable amount of time after you are out. This is just fairly standard “dating with kids” stuff— don’t introduce the fact you’re dating until you’re sure it’s long term.
 
We told our son at about the six month point in my relationship with my boyfriend. Kiddo was used to seeing my boyfriend once a week anyway when he came over to have dinner with us and play games as a family before Kiddo went to bed and we had our date night.

Kids are perceptive, and I didn't want him worried that I was cheating on my husband if he picked up on different energy or whatnot. My husband and I just sat down with him and explained that we were very happy together and very much in love, so there weren't going to be any changes. And then also that we believe you can love more than one person, and that Mom was dating Charles too.

Kiddo just asked, does that mean he'll be coming around more to hang out with us? He has occasionally asked other questions but he mostly just wanted to know how it will affect him/us. He understands that this isn't a common arrangement and that other people may not understand or think it's wrong. I didn't ask him to keep it a secret but we framed it as, we have some things that are our family's business and not for everyone. He has things that he prefers kept within the family too so I think he understood that.
 
The oldest kid asked why D was stayed so late last night she told that she heard us talking.
:D happy she didn't hear other things happening.
She could tell D left later than me going to work.
 
The oldest kid asked why D was stayed so late last night she told that she heard us talking.
:D happy she didn't hear other things happening.
She could tell D left later than me going to work.

I mean, to me this is kinda a sign that things really need to be talked about sooner rather than later.
 
I do agree we are rushing things a bit, it wasn't planned or anything.
It's just that we are all so happy NRE, and that it feels like it had to be this way, for a long time.
(i've ben struggling with being bisexual for most of my puberty and adult life).
And i have been struggling with my feelings for D. for around 4 years .

We have agreed that the kids have to know before our holiday.

So for now there is no kissing with the kids around (awake).
And cuddling no further than they are accustomed to.
And no sleepovers in our bed when D is staying for the night.
He can sleep down stairs or when we havent drunk alcohol het can go home.
He lives like 10 minutes away.:D:D
 
I do agree we are rushing things a bit, it wasn't planned or anything.
It's just that we are all so happy NRE, and that it feels like it had to be this way, for a long time.
We have agreed that the kids have to know before our holiday.


This opinion may not be one you like.

Okay; you agree that things are moving too fast. You now you're really in NRE.

I really would advise to slow everything right down. Even telling them. Even the vacation. NRE is a bad time to make life changing decisions, especially those that involve children.

Also, from your loneliness post, it sounds lie you do have some things to work through for your own mental health.

Your kids come first. The vacation may have to be postponed. Your mental health is a priority. NRE causes impulsive choices.

When I was in NRE I wanted to shout to all our family about being poly; I did some digging and found it would have gone terribly. Very terribly. I've been with B for over 2 years now and only select people now. He still lives with us; and we're all going on vacation together this year.

Slow and steady wins the race.
 
My mental health is stable the problems I have are here for years.
They are a part of who im.
We are not making life changing choices now.
D keeps his own house and will be living there. there will be sleepovers.

The only real change is he sleeping with P and Me.

The holiday will be a test to see if it might work long time.
We will see what comes
 
Double post
 
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I don't have a lot of experience in matters of this sort, so I can't offer advise, I would like to ask something though to maybe consider:

Are the kids used to sleeping in a tent alone?

Especially with the youngest beeing only 5 they might feel abandoned when they "get kicked out" of your tent for a new partner or when they feel they can't disturbe the adults e.g. when they get scared or something.
 
My wife asked the kids if they want to sleep in the tent alone and they said.
No, we want in the big tent and D has to sleep on you're bed, because its sad for him to sleep alone.
OK not really expected this.
Not had THE talk with the kids.
Think it will work out in the end:D:D
 
I dunno... as a parent myself who did the coming out to kids thing... it really does sound like you have the rose coloured glasses on pretty hard.

I suspect you don't want to hear this kind of feedback but I'd have second thoughts about that.
 
I dunno... as a parent myself who did the coming out to kids thing... it really does sound like you have the rose coloured glasses on pretty hard.

I suspect you don't want to hear this kind of feedback but I'd have second thoughts about that.

I agree 100%

Just remember, respecting kids boundaries is important; but so is being the adult in the situation and making the educated, reasonable, and responsible decisions.
 
Who who its not all that heavy.
We want them to know D is a special friend.
And that there is not something very secret going on.
They have to feel safe asking questions.
We are not going to share our whole love life with them.

We want them not to be afraid to ask questions.

They known D there whole life so he is not a stranger to them.
 
I dunno... as a parent myself who did the coming out to kids thing... it really does sound like you have the rose coloured glasses on pretty hard.

I suspect you don't want to hear this kind of feedback but I'd have second thoughts about that.

I wanna know how and what did you tell them and when.

I'm here to ask and learn to make the right choice.

So yes I want to hear you're feedback.
And the glasses are rose colour I'm a hopeless romantic.
Luckily I have a strong reasonable wife to support me.

Next Saturday we will talk about the kids with the three of us.
To see how we all think about what when and how to tell them.
 
I wanna know how and what did you tell them and when.

I'm here to ask and learn to make the right choice.

So yes I want to hear you're feedback.
And the glasses are rose colour I'm a hopeless romantic.
Luckily I have a strong reasonable wife to support me.

Next Saturday we will talk about the kids with the three of us.
To see how we all think about what when and how to tell them.

I thought I had posted about it earlier in this thread but maybe it was another thread.

My husband and I had in depth conversations about how and when we were going to come out to our son eventually. We've always been open/poly. We wanted to wait not only until we felt he was having the emotional maturity to start to learn about romantic relationships himself but to be able to parse that we were doing something not mainstream and to be able to think about those issues for himself. Not to solely focus on how it was going to affect him. I don't think that younger children really have the capacity to differentiate those things. And getting encouragement of the nature you're getting from your children solidifies that for me- they just don't understand and using that to decide they're ready? Sounds like a not great idea to me. They're kids! They say they don't want D to sleep alone because they wouldn't want to sleep alone themselves! It almost certainly has nothing to do with their approval of your relationship :p

We also consulted with our counselor and she agreed that our son was ready to hear about things and that it would be appropriate to do so. No rose coloured glasses here- logic.

We sat him down for a conversation and explained to him that we love each other very much and that nothing was changing in our relationship. That we still wanted to be married and were very happy with each other. Then we told him that we believe that as long as everyone knows and agrees to it, that it's okay to share love with other people. My husband told him that I was dating [Charles], who he knows and likes.

It's been about five months since then and I can tell by the questions he asks occasionally that he thinks about the concept and is still turning it over in his head. At the time, his only question was, does that mean Charles will come over more often? Because he likes him very much. But that was pretty much it. We didn't ask him to keep it a secret but did point out that most people have relationships with just one person and might not understand, so it was something we consider to be our family's business. He understands that concept because he prefers to keep some things private, too. But there's a difference between privacy and secrets.

He knows I am going on holiday with Charles next month and asked if we were having a honeymoon. I said no, that if our relationship was that serious, I would have talked to him more about that. It was just a trip.

He's also asked if the [right wing] politicians get more power, if I could go to jail for having multiple partners. These are important issues and I try to encourage him to ask things whenever they're on his mind so we can deal with them.

We have been talking about consent in relationships since he was old enough to understand the basic idea. Long before we talked about poly, I think he was only five? He asked me if Henry had a boyfriend. I said no, but what would he think if he did? He told me he thought it would be OK, and I said yes as long as everyone involved knew and was OK with it. So the idea of poly wasn't a new concept to him either- just that it was now a thing he was recognizing.

But it's so, so, easy to teach children that things are like whatever and they'll think it's normal. Don't take the lack of reaction or lack of upset to mean that they understand and everything's OK. Kids grow up thinking what they see is normal. I think it's important to at least make sure they understand the underlying social norms so that they can make their own judgments when they are putting thought into romantic relationships for themselves. I think it's important for them to realize that everyone is NOT like this but that tolerance is a good thing.

If they don't have the critical thinking skills to really understand, I don't think it's good to tell them, frankly. I can see far too many problems coming from it.
 
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