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  #21  
Old Yesterday, 02:14 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I know none of this bodes well, but I think the process of learning what I can, analyzing it as I have been, coming here to get perspectives on it, will actually help me come to understand what *I* want, even if the rest of this goes sideways, or just to a sudden halt.

Well... take Bryce out of it for a minute. Just use "partner." What would you put?

  • I want a partner who has these kinds of character traits:
  • I want a partner who behaves like this:
  • I want a partner who can spend this much time with me per week/month:
  • I want a partner who would be willing to do activities like with me. I am into____. (And if you have trouble... maybe this visual aid helps. https://i.pinimg.com/originals/eb/6d...Qnsh8wiZNAiPmY)
  • I want a partner with __ communication style and approach to solving problems/conflict resolution.

Remember to do the non-examples too.
  • I DO NOT want a partner who has these kinds of character traits:
  • I DO NOT want a partner who behaves like this:
  • I DO NOT want a partner who spends this much time with me per week/month:
  • I DO NOT want a partner who wants to do... activities. I'm not into that.
  • I DO NOT want a partner with __ communication style and approach to solving problems/conflict resolution.

Keep it short first time out. See what comes up for you. When you have some examples and some non-examples, then you kinda get into the ballpark instead of being all over the place. That can help you develop your personal standard for vetting potential dating partners.


Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; Yesterday at 02:20 AM.
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  #22  
Old Yesterday, 05:47 AM
kimberly kimberly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Re:
When you say "Romeo," I take it you mean, Bryce?
Yes - I meant Bryce - that was a typo - corrected it.

Quote:
I am thinking that you will need to think long and hard about the 90 minutes he gave you after all the failed attempts.
Yes, I have thought about this. Not just the fact that I certainly donít deserve getting jerked around by what seemed like increasingly false reasons we could not meet. I thought he was flat out lying after he cancelled an 8-hr time together the Thursday before because of supposed car troubles - dangling me along all day on the off-chance that the car might be ready before the end of the day, deeply twisting me inside with his silence and then cryptic words.

I also tried to think of the 90 minutes in any sort of sequential way to relate it here and found my mind could not trace it from beginning to end.

Shell shocked.
I have barely been able to eat or sleep since then.

Quote:
What about the idea of talking to him? telling him that you need more time with him? that without more time, you don't know if you can sustain this relationship? or will you stay with him no matter what?
Since I met with them, and thought over the advice and analyse given to me in this thread, I began speaking out to him how I really felt about the time I lived in Bryce and Aliceís home. Mostly in email, I expressed not only these things, but began stating what I wanted and needed. I said that I needed more time with him to continue seeing him.

He didnít respond to these emails, but I noticed that he was becoming unusually responsive to my texts, and was calling me on a regular basis. It had been months since I saw him 1-1, and now when I told him I really needed to sit down with him and ask him some questions that were on my mind, and continue discussing the potential for a relationship.

My heart was jumping about at more of his attention, but was unable to feel hope, or happiness.


Quote:
You seem to be beholden to your emotions here.
There are portions of my mind that are crystal clear about my relationship to both Alice and Bryce, and agree with GalaGirl that I should stay as far away from them as possible.

The memory of the abuse I sustained at the hands of both of them over two years has caused me memory loss and forced my mind to erect barriers so that certain parts of me could continue living without the aftermath of this trauma.

You see I didnít walk away from them some seven years ago, I ran after finally managing to released myself from the trauma bond that held me to Bryce.

But damage was done, and it wasnít for several years that I could discuss iwith anyone else. In time I wound up in a cPTSD center and was diagnosised with having a severe disassociative disorder.

Itís hard to explain, but I had already figured it outí before I re-entered their lives when I was desperate and needed some help, in a difficult time last year..

Yet after seeing him, I suddenly forgot what had transpired, and how they extracted everything they could from me, and left me a shadow of myself.

I felt no small bit that all this DADT and other business was possibly a farce, or alternatively has moments where I chastised myself for not trusting him, and wanted to lay things square at the feet of Alice.

I felt I must see him again to talk to him about his visit and also I must see him in person to understand what was really going on. I made it clear we needed to talk soon.

Iíve been emotionally crippled this past week, when he didnít respond to my asks, or really seemed to notice my increasingly fragile state.

Last night, I wrote out my thoughts about his behavior impulsively (or intuitively) in a completely disassociated distant state of mind and email him what inevitably would reveal what he was hiding from.

He called me and the mask of himself dropped. He was changed, seething then furious for me over my ďattacksĒ, insulting, and verbally abusive. It all came back what I knew he was when I heard him speak the way I hadnít heard since I left them long ago.

He was speaking, but there was no real emotion there, in fact it seemed like he was acutely aware that something was wrong with him, too. As I stood up against him, he seemed angrily desperate to communicate to me that he loved me, but he *couldnít* make changes to be with me, and furthermore he didnít want to, injuring me deeply. He told me he loved me, he cared about me, and I believed him, and despite myself felt for his desolation.

He was trying to tell me to back down, before I made him hurt me further, and despite the pain I could see him for what he has always been since I met him almost 30 years ago in a way that had true clarity.

He would never be able to give me what I wanted, because he was married, or because Alice didnít want it, or confines of limited time and too much distance.

There is simply something unspeakably wrong with Bryce and Alice.

I think they sought me out, me, Bryceís college girlfriend that devastated him by telling him to leave her alone and stay clear.. I donít think he and I even started out as an affair.

And I must get clear of them now before they use me again.

I am so exhausted.
__________________
Kimberly: straight single polycurious bicurious BDSMcurious mid-forties single me
Bryce: straight biamorous married frotteur/lover-friend
Alice: straight monogamous wife of Bryce w/ wonky DADT-policy for Bryce; possibly a Narcissist
Trying to make sense of a prior messy FMF V-like relationship with Bryce and Alice.
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  #23  
Old Yesterday, 05:54 AM
kimberly kimberly is offline
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Iíll share what happened during his 90min visit.

Just not ready.

I canít believe I got involved in this again.
__________________
Kimberly: straight single polycurious bicurious BDSMcurious mid-forties single me
Bryce: straight biamorous married frotteur/lover-friend
Alice: straight monogamous wife of Bryce w/ wonky DADT-policy for Bryce; possibly a Narcissist
Trying to make sense of a prior messy FMF V-like relationship with Bryce and Alice.
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  #24  
Old Yesterday, 01:52 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
And I must get clear of them now before they use me again.

I am so exhausted.
Sounds like you know what to do. Get away from them.

Are you seeing a counselor? Could you go back to the PTSD center for help? I think you could use some extra support in real life right now.

Quote:
He called me and the mask of himself dropped. He was changed, seething then furious for me over my “attacks”, insulting, and verbally abusive. It all came back what I knew he was when I heard him speak the way I hadn’t heard since I left them long ago.
Esp since you are realizing that in the past, Bryce and Alice were not just weird, but outright abusing you. And that the abuse caused you memory loss that only came back when you heard Bryce talking sharply with you again.

This doesn't sound healthy for you.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; Yesterday at 04:38 PM.
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  #25  
Old Yesterday, 02:54 PM
kimberly kimberly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Sounds like you know what to do. Get away from them.

Are you seeing a counselor? Could you go back to the PTSD center for help? I think you could use some extra support in real life right now.
I can’t afford a regular therapist, but I went to the local Women’s Center in January, after he came over in October 1-1, and injured me, I saw a pro bono counselor, and went to a weekly trauma support group until he drew me back in sometime in February.

I explored pressing charges.

I’m going to call the Center for Sexual Assault hotline after I send this.

The cPTSD unit is a specialty im[atient facility I spent three months in five years back. It would take some doing to try to go back, and I think they might insist I try to find (unfortunately) expensive cPTSD therapy outpatient before agreeing to take me in.

I’ve had trouble finding anyone to take my case in the past due to the severity of the situation.

Quote:
Esp since you are realizing that in the past, Bryce and Alice were not just weird, but outright abusing you. And the abuse caused you memory loss that only came back when you hear Bryce talking sharply with you again.

This doesn't sound healthy for you.
No. I called my daughter and confided in her what has happened. She’s an amazingly self-aware young adult, and we talked for over 4 hrs.

I also blocked his phone number at the cell phone carrier, although that is only just so good as I can keep it.

We agreed that anytime I got the slightest urge to have any contact with him, text her and she said she will talk me back from it.

I just thought to myself that this “policy” of Alice’s had a very different purpose than it seemed.

Kimberly
__________________
Kimberly: straight single polycurious bicurious BDSMcurious mid-forties single me
Bryce: straight biamorous married frotteur/lover-friend
Alice: straight monogamous wife of Bryce w/ wonky DADT-policy for Bryce; possibly a Narcissist
Trying to make sense of a prior messy FMF V-like relationship with Bryce and Alice.

Last edited by kimberly; Yesterday at 09:26 PM.
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  #26  
Old Yesterday, 04:41 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad you are taking first steps to help yourself get away permanently. And you made a plan for any "withdrawal" symptoms that might lead you to wanting to contact him again. You will call daughter and she'll help talk you back from that.

I don't know if anything here could help you or daughter.

https://speakoutloud.net/articles

Toward the middle there are the articles for the stages of leaving called "How to support female victims of intimate partner abuse."

I'm not sure what stage of leaving you are at, but the articles have tips for the person and friends/family of the person at various stages.

I can understand finances being an obstacle to getting help. Could you get to the Women's Center and see what local resources they could point you to?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; Yesterday at 04:44 PM.
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  #27  
Old Yesterday, 08:01 PM
kimberly kimberly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Toward the middle there are the articles for the stages 'm not sure what stage of leaving you are at, but the articles have tips for the person and friends/family of the person at various stages.
Thank you. I will read this, and already sent this to my daughter.
Right now, I am clearly in Stage 5.

When my memory is compromised however, as it was when I first posted here, likely Stage 2.

He assaulted me sexually during his 90 min visit, injuring me in a place he repetitively caused damage over 2 years when I had lived with.

It was most definitely intentional, and he told me to not tell him wife because of her DADT policy with his hand in my panties before he did it.

I just nodded.

I went a few hours ago for emergency counseling to talk it through. I have a hotline to them.

I consulted a pro bono legal referred to from the counselor, and they set me up for consultation next week, and seeing that he actually threatened me indirectly to stop telling him what I needed, and that I’d better stop my behaviour as he was losing control and might hurt me.

They also recommended I go to the police to see if I can get protection and understand my rights, options.

Thank you for being here for me. GalaGirl.

It’s good to know I can come here.
__________________
Kimberly: straight single polycurious bicurious BDSMcurious mid-forties single me
Bryce: straight biamorous married frotteur/lover-friend
Alice: straight monogamous wife of Bryce w/ wonky DADT-policy for Bryce; possibly a Narcissist
Trying to make sense of a prior messy FMF V-like relationship with Bryce and Alice.

Last edited by kimberly; Today at 01:17 AM.
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  #28  
Old Yesterday, 08:54 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I did not realize Bryce was abusive. It sounds really bad.

Re (from kimberly):
Quote:
"He was trying to tell me to back down, before I made him hurt me further ..."
Re (from kimberly):
Quote:
"He actually threatened me indirectly to stop telling him what I needed, and that I'd better stop my behaviour as he was losing control and might hurt me."
Sounds like he is coming right out and saying it's "your fault." Like he only hurts you because "you make him." Do you have a tendency to believe that about yourself?

You said that you had memory loss, that you would forget the times in the past when he abused you. Is it possible that even now you are not remembering just how severe his abuse has been?

Re:
Quote:
"He assaulted me sexually during his 90-minute visit, injuring me in a place he repetitively caused damage over two years when I had lived with him.

It was most definitely intentional, and he told me to not tell him wife because of her DADT policy with his hand in my panties before he did it.

I just nodded."
This sounds to me like rape.

It also sounds like he has trained you to be very passive while he hurts you, like he just wants you to go along with it, and make it easy for him. And for some reason, you are willing to accomodate. I am wondering if fear keeps you in line? Like you're afraid that if you don't cooperate, he'll do something even worse to you? This could be subconscious.

There is nothing wrong with you being poly, and there is nothing wrong with being in a Vee per se. However, I would urge you *not* to get into a Vee with Bryce and Alice. There is something unspeakably wrong with them. I fear they have damaged you. They have made you feel like you don't deserve any better. Like you better shape up and accept whatever they have to offer.

I hope you'll be able to get the help that you need, to break this cycle of abuse. Get help from your daughter. Get help from this forum. Get help from the Center for Sexual Assault hotline. Anywhere help can be found, that you can afford. I would even suggest contacting the police, and getting their advice.

I'm very sorry that you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #29  
Old Yesterday, 10:09 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm so sorry he assaulted you.

You are taking good next steps with emergency counseling, legal consultation, police, looking at protection etc.

Keep your daughter updated.


Quote:
Right now, I am clearly in Stage 5. When my memory is compromised however, as it was when I first posted here, likely Stage 2.
Maybe put that on your phone and key places like the bathroom mirror so you see it when you brush teeth or on the front door so you see it before going out?
On paper and taped to phone if land line, as screen wallpaper if cel phone?

"Bryce assaulted me on the day of _____. I am trying to break free from his hold. I am at Stage 5.

When my memory is off, I am at stage 2. I have promised to talk to my daughter if I have urges to talk to him again. This note is to help me remember what I REALLY want -- which is to break free."

Or similar.

To help you remember while you sort out next steps?

Galagirl
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