Pregnant girlfriend. WTF now?

TheBlackSwede

New member
I talked about this a bit in my blog:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=89525#post89525

I posted this bit here because I thought it brought up a bigger discussion about pregnancy that deserves its own thread. After all, that's one of the consequences of sex, whether we want to acknowledge it or not.

I'm very curious how others deal with this, because it does happen (as I've found out). A pregnant secondary raises many issues. What about a pregnant primary from a secondary lover? What about pregnancy in a true triad?

The self-hatred is flooding in because of this, and from an intellectual perspective I know that shit happens and nothing is fool-proof. From an emotional standpoint, I feel like I crossed the great taboo line even though it was nowhere near intentional. So, how do you guys deal with this? How would you were you in my situation?
 
If I became pregnant and didn't want to be (as I am gathering is the case from the fact that you said she was on the pill), I'd get an abortion.
 
As I asked on your blog thread:

Gosh, SS, that is really unfortunate. So, she lied about being on the Pill, or forgot to take her pills for a few days? I didn't know you 2 were fluid bonded.

You say it's "likely" the child is yours. Do you mean she was also fucking some other guy(s) bareback while she was also fucking you? :eek:

Sounds like the first thing you need to do is get tested for STDs.
 
Your situation is so much more complicated because I understood that you are no longer involved with the woman who carries your(?) child. Should become pregnant, I would be happy, no matter the father. Freaked-out, but happy. My partners of course might feel differently, but it's something I usually bring up in the rather early stages of the relationship - that even though the likelihood is very low, if I do conceive, I am going to keep the baby.

I am sorry I have no words of advice or great insight for you :(.
 
Pregnancy is one of those things that we talked about a lot before becoming involved with other people. For mostly financial reasons we have all the children we want. If it were to happen though I would work on building a stronger relationship with my metamour. The child to be would be a part of our family and therefore by default so would my metamour. I would want the children to all grow up together and to know each other. I'd really really prefer that it never happen though and I know that I never want to be pregnant again (and will take all precautions to prevent it).
 
If I were the one pregnant, I'd have already gotten the abortion. Sadly, my genetic material is currently developing of its own accord in another human being and I obviously have zero control of that whatsoever.

Mags, I've been tested, no STDs. I don't know if she was with anyone else or not, she says she was not, as I mentioned in the blog, but I really have no way of actually knowing.
 
I just posted this over on your blog:

Listen, I know this might sound cold, but women have been aborting pregnancies since ancient times. We have the ability to bring life into this world, and with that also comes the ability to take that life away. Sometimes it is just what needs to be done. Stop thinking of it as a child - not a child yet. You don't have to keep reinforcing how bad you must think she feels about it. Sure, it can be traumatizing, but sometimes it simply is not. I always think people indulge too much into how "horrible" someone must feel when this becomes necessary. I have had two abortions and never felt any remorse about them. The option comes with the territory of being a sexually active woman. L says that abortion is what she is choosing to do, obviously she doesn't want a baby since she talked about adoption, too. There is no need to get bent out of shape about that. The procedure is quick and simple. It is much safer for her, it would seem, than carrying the baby.

However, lesson learned! Now you know that even when a paramour has birth control, you take a huge risk not using a condom. For pregnancy AND disease. It sucks that something like this happens in order to wake you up about it, but stop fretting and look at what needs to be done. Personally, I don't think it would be fair for G. to leave you over this -- it's a risk in poly, and non-monogamy. Just try to keep emotions out of it and deal with the reality: You stupidly didn't use protection. L got preggers, and will abort the pregnancy. I say, help arrange and pay for that right away! Be there for her as much as you can, and then resolve to use protection from now on. Get tests for all the possible diseases, and move on.​
 
Im a polyamorous FAMILY. children are luckier than in monogamous dual-partner families. Poly families have more than one parent. This rocks for the children!

If there realy is a pregnancy, congratulations... that's awesome!
 
Im a polyamorous FAMILY. children are luckier than in monogamous dual-partner families. Poly families have more than one parent. This rocks for the children!

If there realy is a pregnancy, congratulations... that's awesome!

I think that the reason OP isn't excited is because he and his secondary have been broken up for months. So infact, they would not be a poly family.

SS - I am sorry that your primary is struggling so much with this. I hope that you are able to come to terms with this and move forward. Also, *if* you continue in Poly and do not want any more children please do not expect the women in your life to be soley responsible for prevention..... getting yourself snipped might be a good alternative.
 
Also, *if* you continue in Poly and do not want any more children please do not expect the women in your life to be soley responsible for prevention..... getting yourself snipped might be a good alternative.
I've had this conversation with Cotton Candy a few times. She has her tubes tied...and when I become sexually active with other women, I always wrap my willie. ;) But I also realize accidents happen....and therefore, I will probably eventually get snipped to help prevent the possibility of pregnancy.


To the OP:

I'm not sure of what you CAN do in this situation. :cool: What was the reason for the break up? Is it reconcilable? If so, I would look into it and trying to rekindle the relationship. You don't want to miss out on that child do you?

I'm not big on abortions at all. When discussing this with past lovers, we agreed that abortion was not an option. Just like anything else in life, if you play the game, you gotta accept the risks. One of those risks is a child, in this game. So, pony up to the bar and take responsibility. IN MY OPINION, abortion, in addition to being mean and (in my opinion) murder, is an easy out for irresponsibility. (There ARE extenuating circumstances such as rape or other things, which I believe abortion should be legal for. But just to prevent an unplanned pregnancy due to a "mistake", is not acceptable to me.)





* The opinions voiced in this post are just that....OPINIONS. Neither right, nor wrong. I trust the other ADULTS on this board, with differing views, to realize that fact and not break out the flame train. LOL
 
I'm not sure of what you CAN do in this situation. What was the reason for the break up? Is it reconcilable? If so, I would look into it and trying to rekindle the relationship. You don't want to miss out on that child do you?

If you read his other thread, it seems both he and his ex have moved on.

... (There ARE extenuating circumstances such as rape or other things, which I believe abortion should be legal for...)

SS is unsure this is his child. His ex had another lover just after he and she broke up, AND she may have been raped while drugged by another (or others) during their relationship. I feel he is well off without her...
 
Then a DNA test would be in order. Yes, believe it or not, one CAN be performed while the child is still in the womb. ;) Just won't be one of those cheap ones you can get at the drug store.
 
I really hate to say this because it's pretty unkind, but do you know for sure she is pregnant in the first place? It sounds like (from reading some of your past blog posts) that L has, in the past, wanted more from your relationship then you could give her. It also looked like you guys were breaking up or taking space or becoming friends. I would be worried about someone causing drama to be more connected to you.

It seems strange that she didn't bring it up until she was upset that you had been in town and not seen her.

Has she talked with you about how she managed to get pregnant while on birth control? Or why it took her so long to tell you? Have you been to the doctor with her? Have you seen anything that proves she is pregnant? You said you hadn't been with her for two and a half months before she told you, does the expected due date match up with that?

I know these are horrible questions and you know her better then any of us but something feels strange about this to me. I would be worried that she intentionally got pregnant or is telling you she did to keep you in her life.
 
I really hate to say this because it's pretty unkind, but do you know for sure she is pregnant in the first place? It sounds like (from reading some of your past blog posts) that L has, in the past, wanted more from your relationship then you could give her. It also looked like you guys were breaking up or taking space or becoming friends. I would be worried about someone causing drama to be more connected to you.

It seems strange that she didn't bring it up until she was upset that you had been in town and not seen her.

Has she talked with you about how she managed to get pregnant while on birth control? Or why it took her so long to tell you? Have you been to the doctor with her? Have you seen anything that proves she is pregnant? You said you hadn't been with her for two and a half months before she told you, does the expected due date match up with that?

I know these are horrible questions and you know her better then any of us but something feels strange about this to me. I would be worried that she intentionally got pregnant or is telling you she did to keep you in her life.

All valid concerns and questions. I have seen nothing to prove her condition. I haven't been to the doctor with her yet. She told me that she was 3 months along, which would match up to when we were together, but I have no way of knowing she wasn't sleeping with other people during that time. According to her, no.

How she got pregnant while on birth control? Well, apparently (news to me :mad: ), this is the second time its happened while on the pill. She also made numerous assertions that due to medical issues she can't get pregnant anyways, and just takes the pill to be sure. She said she tried for 6 months to get pregnant and failed. I wouldn't have risked it, but she made a compelling argument, which was far more compelling due to the fact that we were naked and horny.

Why it took her so long to tell me? She called me when she found out. Coincidentally, I was headed to LA that night to see friends and have a meeting. It didn't work out to see her, but she didn't tell me what was going on, only that she wanted to see me. I said that it was inconvenient this time around, but that I'd make an effort to see her next time I headed up her way, which I did, being a man of my word. Had she told me on the phone, I would have gone far out of my way to talk to her about it and figure out what to do, immediately.

I'm absolutely worried about someone causing drama to be more connected to me as well, and so is my wife. I really don't know how much I trust her, if at all, at this point, which makes the current situation all the more difficult.

Yes, I do think I am better off without her - I'm also finally over her. I do still feel something for her, but it's like an echo of the past, a frail gossamer apparition wandering the hallways of my heart.

There are other reasons to get an abortion beyond "inconvenience". This is highly inconvenient, but it's also medically inadvisable on her part. (according to her) The Doctors said that the fetus may not even live beyond 6 months due to an orange-sized cyst in her uterus. They advised her to consider abortion. I advised her to take their advice. At first she was resistant because she's not a fan of abortion, and was afraid she'd feel terrible about it. I asked her how much more painful it would be for the fetus if it was miscarried, or born with serious lifelong problems because of the circumstances. How much worse would she feel then? She agreed pretty quickly, and part of me thinks that she just needed someone to tell her that it was ok to do it.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support through this, I truly appreciate it; it feels so good to be able to talk to others about this.
 
If she doesn't want an abortion, it's her body, and hers to decide. Have the DNA test once the baby is born (yes, it's expensive in utero -- risky too); chances are it's not your baby. But if it is, you have another person to LOVE. Lucky you, make the best of it. That child could become the light of your life, you just never know.

My rule of thumb is, never have sex with someone you wouldn't have a baby with. I mean, use every precaution, but always remember it is always a possibility.

My SO had "sex with the ex" 2 years after their divorce and 6 years after his vasectomy..... they ended up pregnant, remarried, and back in the same miserable state of matrimony they were in before! -- The resulting child, however, ended up being the best thing that ever happened to him. :rolleyes:
 
I would ask to go to the doctor with her. Or at least ask to see her ultrasound. Maybe I'm a pessimist or have just seen what desperate people can do but I would want some kind of proof.

She got pregnant in the past while on birth control but told you she has a medical condition that makes it impossible to get pregnant? And then knowing she has become pregnant while on birth control talks you into having sex without condoms? Something doesn't add up.
 
This adds up perfectly. It's known as an "Oops". That's a capital O. It is when someone pretends to get pregnant on purpose but it's what they really wanted all along, whether they admit it to themselves or not.

Ahhh... Now i am bent over with my naked bum in the air waiting to be spanked for being judgmental. Who wants to be first? HMA? 2rings? Anyone? Bueller?
 
SvartSvensk,

Trust, but verify - everything. I would be happy to be wrong but this feels hinky.

NK, can I spank you anyway?:D
 
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