LovingRadiance
Active member
I'm glad your solstice was nice RP. Hugs all around for you and yours.
I have to go through my emotions and pick them apart until there is nothing left to gnaw on. I think that is the only way I can see to be able to get to a place of peace.
I am humbled and beaten into believing that the only person I can ever trust is myself.
Good point, NYCindie. However, I don't think I can ever do that. It's just not who I am, it never has been and I doubt it ever will be. I don't know, perhaps I will be able to one day, but for now it's too rushed and I am only able to cope with what I can cope with or what we have will be destroyed forever.Oh, hon, listen. He always was his own man. He always was making his own choices.
I think you got so comfortable in seeing him as part of your family, your household, your tribe, that you forgot he could make different choices at any time. You are see your connection with him as damaged, but perhaps think of it this way: it is deeper, more real, more authentic, because the frame of reference you had for him, as a monogamous lover of yours, totally devoted to you and only you, and part of your family, is lifting and giving way so you can see more of who he is as an individual. Just because Mono may want intimate friendships with other women, and not tell you about them shouldn't really hurt you - but you are choosing to see it as something that will definitely hurt you. Reframe it, let go. How wonderful that he trusts you so much he can tell you what he truly wants instead of fitting himself into your box.
It is indeed controlling and distrustful of you to ask that he keep you abreast of where he is and who he is with. You want to feel comfortable with allowing Mono to have "his own business?" It isn't yours to give. Why should he explain himself so you can get over the feeling that he doesn't belong to you? He never did, and that is a feeling inside you that you need to confront and get through on your own.
No, I don't want him to choose only me. I'm over that. Being cheated on because I will not consent to his secrecy and the lies that follow when I find stuff out is a far worse option.You are two grown adults making your own choices everyday, but you only want him to choose you, and seem to be taking his shifting into wanting something more, different, or separate from you as a personal affront, like a child who has been left behind in the playground.
I know it sucks to be a grown-up when reality hits us, but shit, that's what we gotta do.
Of course I am. The way he took his freedom hurt me, hurt us and our family. His family. He calls us HIS family. Not mine, HIS. I don't own it. We share it now. That is what he wanted to have and he has it. That is what we have worked on together. All of us.He is simply claiming space in his life to be a free man, to act according to how he sees fit for his life, and you are taking that as a wound against yourself.
I see the reality loud and clear. That's what I have been talking about here for six weeks. He doesn't want to share all his feelings with me. He might not have felt safe, but who does in situations where you would prefer to cheat on your partner rather than talk to them?I think you need to open your eyes and see the reality of the situation. Yeah, it sucks that he hid stuff from you for a while, but maybe you can look at how it may not have felt safe for him to share with you all his feelings. And maybe you can look at the fact that he doesn't have to share all his feelings, either. Right now you are looking at everything from the perspective of someone who is having something precious taken away from her. But he wasn't yours to begin with.
Well, I'm sorry you see it that way. Thanks for your tough love, but I entirely disagree, at this point in time. If a year from now I am whining that Mono is not my one and only and I am not his, then please, by all means, call me out. But after a six week period and in the midst of a process that is nowhere near over, I think you are far too premature. I think I have every right to be angry, hurt, processing like mad and finding out as much as I can so that I can decide what MY course of action will be for MY life, while he decides what course he wants to take.I think the pity party you've been throwing for yourself needs to end. I say that with nothing but empathy and kindness toward you.
Thanks River. We have it on our shelf and have glanced at it before. I will have a look again.See for example Tara Brach's excellent book, "Radical Acceptance". She advocates self acceptance (and self-compassion) as a sort of necessay component of self-intimacy leading to freedom to change. Brilliant stuff.
I had thought that too, Magdlyn, and so we keep talking and walking through it all.Ugh, what a mess.
Maybe it's a mid-life crisis? Men can be so identified with their jobs. Maybe he's gone a bit crazy and will eventually come to earth and want to find you waiting there on the ground.
Good point BD. Thank you.Trust is something that relies on faith, at least where I'm concerned. At this point, knowing will not change anything. Trust is something that you do. This is one situation where fake it til you make it works.