Which way to turn?

I've felt worse and worse as the night has gone on. I didn't want to call Karma home so I've just been waiting. He just came in and I was all excited to lay down with him and get some sleep, and the first words out of his mouth are "g/fs out front, didn't want to invade your space but wanted to let you know what was up"

She apparently had a panic attack so they were avoiding her being at home.

Fuck this! I just want to curl up in bed with my husband! I'm in here in pain, sick and miserable and they are out on the front porch.

I don't know how everyone else deals with stuff. I am trying to not be greedy with his time, but Damn it I want my husband to make everything all better and she's in the way!

I had a thought that if I had someone I could go to them, and it wouldn't matter, but isn't that just a screwed up circle? My husband can't be with me right now so I'm gonna go find someone else?

Right now I'm gonna find some crackers.
 
Did you tell Karma what you were going through and what you were needing when he got home? Guys have a "fix it" gene or something, give them a problem and they tend to bend over backwards to find a solution and make it "all better". Just a guess here, but if he really expected absolute alone time with g/f, he would not have brought her home.
 
I wonder if it would help you to have a boundary for now that before he makes plans with his girlfriend he needs to check in with you and that you will have a set time that you will have your husband back?

I don't know how it works usually in poly relationships but I would feel really disrespected if my husband either made or changed plans without considering my feelings ahead of time.
Its normal for my husband and I to check in with the other one before even making a phone call if we're both home, just out of courtesy. We would definitely check before making plans to go out or bring someone else home, friend or otherwise.
 
I don't know what he could have done differently. She needed him too. I do like the idea of a designated time to home, especially b/c we just found out the guy upstairs got stabbed and robbed last night. Peace of mind in more ways than one...

I'm just frustrated. We both needed him and I was the odd one out. Sure he eventually came home and we snuggled. And honestly, I'm more capable of dealing with panic attacks, pain, emotional blah alone than she is, so I guess it was best that it was me alone and not her. But it still sucks!! Before her this wouldn't have been an issue. Bcause I would have been calling him home from Panda's or someone else he could go back and see the next day.

He's been asking if I'm affraid he'll leave, and I think that insecurity boils down to what I said yesturday. This is where I want to be selfish. I'm his fucking wife and if I'm sick and in pain I should have my husband if I want him. I'm not affraid of losing him, not affraid he'll leave. But I am affraid of more times like this. Times where once again we both need him and I'm left alone. Or times when he needs someone and chooses her over me.

Yep, there's some more dig down deep root of the issue stuff. I'm not affraid I'll lose my husband, I'm just affraid he won't be here when I need him.

And now with stabbings going on again, I'm not allowed to leave the house without him or a weapon. You know I'm pretty tough, and I try hard to not let fear rule me.

But I'm fucking scared. This kind of thing is happening more and more around here. What if he's coming home from her place and someone goes after him? What if they come after me and he's not home. As hardcore as I like to think I am, with the training I do have, I'm still disabled. I'm still going to be coming into an empty apartment after being attacked, if I can move at all.

I don't like being affraid. I don't do well with handling fear. And now I have that to add to all the other emotions floating around.
 
It sounds to me like both you and Karma's girlfriend need to look for other people to lean on. You're right that he can only be in one place at a time and since you can't predict when you're going to feel needy having somewhere else to tun can be really beneficial.

What about Panda? Would she be able to help fill in some of the needs. I know that you're really close to her. Do you think that you'd be able to ask her to take care of you if you're not feeling well and Karma isn't available right that minute?

I think that it's fair to ask karma as well when you can expect him to be available to you. That's something I've asked of my husband since I don't like to feel that I'm interrupting anything. I can keep things together for a while but I need to know when it's "my turn" so to speak. Love is infinite, time isn't. Time management is one of the most difficult things of having more than one relationship. Good luck

-Derby
 
It sounds to me like both you and Karma's girlfriend need to look for other people to lean on. You're right that he can only be in one place at a time and since you can't predict when you're going to feel needy having somewhere else to tun can be really beneficial.

What about Panda? Would she be able to help fill in some of the needs. I know that you're really close to her. Do you think that you'd be able to ask her to take care of you if you're not feeling well and Karma isn't available right that minute?

I think that it's fair to ask karma as well when you can expect him to be available to you. That's something I've asked of my husband since I don't like to feel that I'm interrupting anything. I can keep things together for a while but I need to know when it's "my turn" so to speak. Love is infinite, time isn't. Time management is one of the most difficult things of having more than one relationship. Good luck

-Derby

I dunno. Panda and I are really close and she's offered multiple times to come over and help out if needed. I've just never felt comfortable be needy with anyone other than Karma. He's the only one I let all walls down for.

And emotional support on that level just isn't her thing. Panda's the type of person who stands there looking lost when someone cries, she has no idea what to do. I guess since I have filled that role for her it wouldn't be overly weird to ask her to do the same.

And I don't want to seek out non b/f cuz I feel like it's not his "job" to comfort me when I'm upset or lonely b/c my husband isn't here. I don't think it's right to turn to one cuz I'm missing the other.

I like the idea of discussing when he's available for me. Something we may need to go into a little more detail about when he gets home tonight. I did ask when I could expect him home, he didn't know but said it wouldn't be as late as last night.

I don't want to play a mother role and say you have a curfew. He did ask when I wanted him home. All I said was not as late as last night. I didn't have a specific time in mind, b/c I don't know what they have planned. I don't want to say be home by midnight, and then us do nothing but play video games all night, when he could be having a good time with her.

I'm just overly needy this week, there's been a lot of emotional stress, and I've been sleeping at weird times, so I haven't conected with him a lot this week. I'm missing that. I need to be held and kissed and told it will all be okay.

G/f needs the same thing this week.

So Karma is stuck in the middle.

As far as that part goes, no Panda can't fill that in. I hold onto my tough guy attitude for to long sometimes and then the 1950's housewife side of me comes out and I need a strong manly man to tell me the world stops at the door and he won't let anything get in. I find a lot of comfort in the arms of a woman, but sometimes I need the strong arms of a man to make the world all better.
 
I think having a discussion with him tonight is a good idea. I get not wanting to feel like his mother. I felt the same way when I was being asked permission for various things. Although having him set a time when he will be home is fair and then calling to check in if he's going to be later than you were expecting is also fair. That's part of communication, knowing when you will be available to one another. Don't think of it as a hard and fast rule but rather as a general guideline.
 
That's part of communication, knowing when you will be available to one another. Don't think of it as a hard and fast rule but rather as a general guideline.


I like that. I'll bring it up when he gets home. We had a hard time in the beigining of our relationship b/c his family life was really hard. His mom was very controling, yet neglectful. So when I would ask him to tell me where he was going or call if that changed, we'd fight. He thought I was trying to control him, I just wanted to know how to reach him if there was an emergency, or know when to expect him home. I'm a natural worrier and that gave me a guidline as to when it was okay to worry. It took awhile to work all that out. And for the most part he's had an amazing turn around and is much more aware of it.

I was affraid he's think I was trying to control him again. But looking at it from that persective is helpful. It gives me a goal. Like you said earlier-I can hold it together until this time, cuz then I know he'll be home.


I think that may help with the over nights too. Knowing I'll get a good night phone call and he'll be home by this time, gives me something to work towards.


Thanks Derby!
 
Letting you know where he is going and what time he plans to be home is just common curtosy. It's not about control, it's about knowing when to worry about them and how to plan you own evening. What's the point of getting worried because your husband is not home by 10pm if he never intended to be home until 12pm. Frankly, I get really pissed at my husband if he tells me one time, the isn't home and doesn't have the decency to call and tell me there is a change of plans, because I spend the next 2-3 worried that something happened to him.
 
Letting you know where he is going and what time he plans to be home is just common curtosy. It's not about control, it's about knowing when to worry about them and how to plan you own evening. What's the point of getting worried because your husband is not home by 10pm if he never intended to be home until 12pm. Frankly, I get really pissed at my husband if he tells me one time, the isn't home and doesn't have the decency to call and tell me there is a change of plans, because I spend the next 2-3 worried that something happened to him.

Totaly agree and we went through that ALOT before it finaly clicked. If I know where he is, and he has his phone I only expect to know before or after the sun comes up.

He's been great with it for a few years now. He's had to learn to let go of a lot from how how he grew up. Realizing a lot of it wasn't the way the rest of the world works.

With g/f I try to not be restrictive. I try to let it be open when he comes home. But I think I need to know at least a little of what is going on so that I have a gauge for my night.
 
Just called Karma to find out when he was coming home. Found out he was over at Pandas all night with g/f. I am kind of irritated. I wanted to go to Panda's tonight, but given the neighbor just being stabbed and Karmas rule that I can't leave the house without him, I didn't even call her to see what she was up to tonight. I sat at home bored out of my mind all night. He wants me to go out more, I wanted to, and didn't get the option.

I know he didn't think to tell me b/c I want space from g/f, but being around other people would probably make things easier for us. And I didn't mention I had wanted to go to Panda's house. But it still hurts and frustrates me.

I'm overly emotional this week and I know it. But I feel like I'm missing out and she's taking my place. I haven't had "alone" time with Karma in 5 days! That hasn't happened since we started reconnecting. The most we've talked in the last 5 days was this morning before bed, and it was about g/f.

I guess I'm just missing my husband, feeling left out and kind of replaced.

I'll get over it, but that doesn't change how I feel at the moment.
 
Been waiting for two hours! Just called him again and was told he was on his way, he was putting her to bed!:mad:
 
Hmmm..... so you need definte times and schedules and stuff. I can do that, I guess. It doesn't really seem that different from what we've been doing anyway. The biggest issue I have, is that this involves me actually "making plans", which I suck at.

Case in point: tonight. We had no idea we would end up over at Panda's place. Our original plans were to go out with one of her guys friends and a few of his friends to catch a movie. This fell through. So, the extent of our evening "plans" was to go pick up supplies for her Farsi class she started yesterday. (I have no idea if I even spelled that language right :) )

After that, we were drinking shakes at McDonalds and basically going "OK, so now what?" This sort of mentality - the one I live in nine times out of ten - does not lend itself well to "planning". I have to have a goal in mind to make a plan! :)

But I get it. You need the structure of a plan, and you need to know what's going on and when I'll be coming home. Add in how, um.... colorful.... our neighborhood has become, and I can definitely see the reasons you're concerned.

I can keep you informed, if you can remember that my brain is generally disorganized and chaotic ;) I'll be as specific as I can at that point in time. But if you need a more specific answer from me (IE "before the sun comes up" isn't a good enough answer) then you need to tell me that RIGHT THEN, so I can address it and fix the issue by giving you a more precise answer. It might involve more brain sweat on my part, but I'd rather deal with that, as opposed to you being home worried about me or bored stupid like you were tonight.
 
Karma:
I don't know that I need defininate time schedules. Like I said I don't want to give you a curfew. But I think it will help me get through the time you are with her, if I know when you'll be home. I'm looking at this like I do my walking. That 3 miles is hell. But When I count down the time, I know I can make it 20 more minutes, 10 more, 5 more. It helps me get through it, b/c I have something to look forward to. I know when it is ending. I'd like to get to the point where it won't bother me, other than the usual curtesy. But for now, I think it will really help. And I'm glad you are so open to it.
 
When he finaly got home, Karma and I had a good talk. We sorted a lot out. And I was finaly able to process the fear from Mondays fiasco. I asked him some questions regarding both g/f and me. He was a little lost on how to answer them. One being how much time does he need with her and how much does he need with me. What is an acceptable reason to call him home? He said he didn't know I was in so much pain Tuesday and I should have called. I wasn't incapacitated, I wasn't dying, so I didn't want to bother them. I was still upset from Monday, I hadn't seem him, he woke me up to tell me he was leaving to see her and that was the end of that. I just wanted my husband to hold me while I cried. To help solve the mental pain do I could handle the physical. Was that really a fair reason to drag him home? I didn't think so. So we need to go over that a little more and clarify what counts as a good reason to interupt their time and the same for her to ours. And I'm gonna have a hard time if he and are out somewhere and she calls cuz she needs him. But it comes with the territory.

I'm gonna send her the link to the forum later tonight. I'm ready for her to start reading it. But Karma needs to warn her that it isn't all pretty and I don't intend to censor myself any more than I already do, just because she's reading.

I do feel better, not having her shoved in my face every other day. I think with a little more time I may be able to start going forward again. I dunno if Karmas happy family dream will ever happen, but I do want to at least be able to be around her and enjoy my time. I don't want to wonder if she's acting, or if it's all a show, or if she's being true to herself or sensoring herself b/c she's afraid of hurting me. That whole walking on eggshells pisses me off thing. I want to look forward to us doing things together, not dreading it like I do now.
 
Hmmm..... so you need definte times and schedules and stuff. I can do that, I guess. It doesn't really seem that different from what we've been doing anyway. The biggest issue I have, is that this involves me actually "making plans", which I suck at.

Case in point: tonight. We had no idea we would end up over at Panda's place. Our original plans were to go out with one of her guys friends and a few of his friends to catch a movie. This fell through. So, the extent of our evening "plans" was to go pick up supplies for her Farsi class she started yesterday. (I have no idea if I even spelled that language right :) )

After that, we were drinking shakes at McDonalds and basically going "OK, so now what?" This sort of mentality - the one I live in nine times out of ten - does not lend itself well to "planning". I have to have a goal in mind to make a plan! :)

But I get it. You need the structure of a plan, and you need to know what's going on and when I'll be coming home. Add in how, um.... colorful.... our neighborhood has become, and I can definitely see the reasons you're concerned.

I can keep you informed, if you can remember that my brain is generally disorganized and chaotic ;) I'll be as specific as I can at that point in time. But if you need a more specific answer from me (IE "before the sun comes up" isn't a good enough answer) then you need to tell me that RIGHT THEN, so I can address it and fix the issue by giving you a more precise answer. It might involve more brain sweat on my part, but I'd rather deal with that, as opposed to you being home worried about me or bored stupid like you were tonight.

What works for us is just a simple text: "Change of plans, going to _______ instead. Be home around _____"

or "Not going to make it by ____, closer to ____"

If you don't have a plan say so, but agree on a way to check in and give an update when you figure it out and an estimated time to be home. It just shows respect for your partner.

I usually respone with just an OK, but there are times, that I really need the details for my own piece of mind, so I ask and if I need him to come home, I say so. We also have an agreement, that if he doesn't get a response to the text, he needs to call and talk to me directly (phone battery may be dead or I'm having an anxiety attack and have toss the cell into the wall, etc).

There are still times where my husband just lets the whole thing slip his mind, so I need to call/text and ask the questions "What's your plans and when are you planning to be home, etc?" Since we have discussed my need to know these details, he doesn't get offended anymore and appologizes for not calling and answers the questions.
 
Finaly got some sleep. Slept for 10 hrs. But now it's 6 am and I'm up. And could honeslty go back to bed for a few. Ren Fair today tomorrow and Monday. Panda's husband is home on leave so we are all going to meet up there today.

Still disapointed to not be in ohio for the wedding. Or seeing my family. But I guess it wasn't meant to happen.

I think my break from g/f is doing some good. I'm feeling better about things. I guess I just needed some other things to think about and some time with out her constantly in my face. Still need some more of that time, but we're on a better path.
 
we had fun at fair today, though once again I over did it. So now instead of hanging out at Panda's and seeing her husband while he is home on leave, I am here, on pain pills that aren't working, and thinking too much.

This week has just sucked and my time with Karma has been limited. Mostly due to the crazy sleep schedule I've been on. It just sucks not having the time together we usualy do. Though I guess in a way it's a good preperation for when I start working.

For the first time in 8 yrs I let Karma go off on a guy that was hitting on me. We were talking with a friend at fair today and this drunk father son duo comes over and the son (prolly early 20's) tells me my dress is prett. I thank him and go back to our conversation, the father says something about it not being about the dress, implying something sexual, and the son says no it's not. Karma piped off with "that's my wife you speaking to, go on about your way" and it went down hill from there. Drunken pack peddling, Karma getting more and more irate, and our friend pulls out this silver tounge and has them laughing and going on about their day, like they forgot what was going on.

Normaly, Karma likes to watch me get hit on/flirted with. It's usualy no big deal. But these guys were so drunk, and so rude, and Karma just stepped right in. It felt really good to have him jump to my rescue, and I was thankful our friend helped keep it from escalating.

Was just weird.

In other news, I made an OKC account with Karmas help. Got a message from someone within the first day and I had to have Karma help me with a reply. I told him I'd need him and Panda at the house with me before I go on my first date. I haven't done this in 8 yrs, I am so out of practice!!!!

It has helped me though. More than I thought. Having Karma support me in this, and help with it, and screening people together, put a fresh perspective on things with g/f. While I'm still not sure how I feel about her, I am renewed in my support of them. It's no longer I'll deal with her b/c she makes him happy. It's, I'm not quite sure what they get from eachother, but I want to learn about that part of their relationship, support their relationship and be active in their happiness.

And b/c of that I sent her the link to the forum. I warned her that alot of it isn't pretty, and will be painful to read, and that I wouldn't start censoring myself just b/c she is reading it. But I think it may help us all figure this out. I think maybe, since I seem to communicate better in wriing lately, it will give us a chance to see where the other is coming from. I don't want her to be hurt with what I've said, but, it's how I felt/feel at the time I write it, so it's at least it's out there in the open.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

For now I have a date with my heating pad. Good night.
 
Pain wise, I feel like crap today. Been a bad week and the fibro is making itself known. Woke up in pain and couldn't go back to sleep.

Emotionaly, I'm doing pretty well. I can think of Karma and g/f together and it doesn't hurt. The thought of being around it, still makes me uncomfortable, but only because I feel like a third wheel. Kind of like " yep that's my husband kissing and holding another woman and here I am staring at the wall." I guess I'm not sure how to fit into that dynamic. I'm not sure what to do with myself while they're together

I sent her the forum link, but no response back. She's been sick and with her other b/f this weekend ( I love how Karma doesn't interupt his weekends with her. I really can't stand that guy.) So who knows.

I'm still unsure of she and I. But I think the time apart has made a huge difference in things. And so has putting my mind on other things. I think I got so stuck on fixing the problem, I forgot to just let life happen.

But I am more and more okay with her and Karma sleeping together, as the days go by. Still not sure about an overnight at her place, simply b/c I want to go to sleep with my husband. Selfish as it may be, I'm not ready to give that up yet.

I'm slowly moving forward. May still back slide, but I hope not.
 
and just as quickly as I wrote that, I'm spinning again. Karma and I are not doing so well with the communicating this week. When he woke up we discussed fair and I wasn't really up for going. I was hurting pretty bad, g/f and other b/f were gonna be there and Karma and I have plans with friends tonight so I didn't want to be worn out before then. So I decided not to go. Then I decided I wanted to go. I'm not gonna let J/A ( other b/f shall now be called jack ass or J/A :D) to get in the way of me having a good time. So I asked Karma for 10 min to get ready, he said it was fine he wanted the computer for a bit anyway. G/f called to see where he was and he said he was still in the living room waiting on me b/c I decided last minute to go. He sounded really annoyed. Well exscuse me!!! It didn't seem like an issue until she called. So I decided instead of holding him up (he's still on the computer at this point ) I just won't go. We go back and forth on do I want to, does he want me to. He decides " there's no way I can win this" and starts to leave!!!! No good bye, no kiss no nothing. WTF. So after he kisses me and leaves I realize he prolly didn't grab the cash, so I call, and I call and I call 6 times!!!!! Nothing!!! So was I being ignored? Fine go without any drinking money, not my problem.


I just don't get where the annoyence came from. I was trying to make an attempt to have a good time with my husband and see g/f in a public place, you know what EVERYONE has been telling me to do. and I felt like I was wrong for wanting to do that.

So now I'm in more pain b/c I'm upset, confused as all hell and upset b/c I'm confused and was ignored.

He said he didn't want me to go if I was going to be in a bad mood b/c J/A was there. Well it seems to me, that dealing with him, allows me to spend time with Karma, and G/f without Karma and g/f being there together. Gives me a chance to hang out with her in a public place and see where things go.


I should have just gone. Should have just told Karma he could take his weird ass attitude and stick somewhere else.

But I once again didn't want to get in the way of his good time, so I saccraficed my own chance at growth with g/f, so he could have a good time.


Sometime I HATE all of this. Just plain out HATE it. The conufsion, the emotions, the drama, the miscommunication.
 
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