I'm tired of eating my orgasms

PolyInFL

New member
I have an eating disorder - I am an emotional eater. One of the ways my disorder manifests itself is that when I am sexually frustrated, I turn to food. There are all kinds of things wrong with that. Of course it does not make a lot of sense to eat when sex would be more fun, right? Well, I don't expect those who do not suffer from an eating disorder to understand. And frankly this post is not about explaining it.

This is really more of a rant I guess. I like sex. I miss sex. I have a husband who would happily have sex with me any time I want. That is not the problem. I have always been aggressive sexually. But I have grown tired of ALWAYS being the aggressor. Sometimes I want to be with someone who is as forceful as I am. After many years of struggle, DH and I realized he will never be that way. Also that I will never be the kind of women who goes for the sweet and tender lovemaking that he sometimes enjoys. If I had to categorize (which I hate to do) I would say DH is vanilla and I am the flavor sampler. Oh geez, here I go with the food metaphors. :p

But seriously, one of the reasons DH and I realized that poly is a lifestyle we are open to is that we accept the fact that we are very different sexually. What really frosts my cookies (hey, if I'm going to give in to it, I'll go all the way) is that we did not explore this idea until my eating disorder had driven me to replace sex with food A LOT. Now it is a habit I want to break and it is very difficult.

Right now I am torqued off that it happened last night. We had dinner with our neighbors - had a great time. I had some rum and Coke and was feeling flirty. Got myself a little (lot) worked up imagining getting grabby with the neighbor, whom I have a serious lust for. Unlike DH, he has a personality that suggests he would not be a passive partner in the bedroom. Long story short, when we came home DH went to bed (in my defense, he threw out his back yesterday so I could not have jumped him anyway) and I sat up making love to the pantry. Darn it!

A few hot and sweaty moments with the neighbor and I could have worked off some calories instead of ingesting them. (Did I mention he looks like Al Pacino?) Unfortunately, DH and I do not think he and his wife are poly. And even if they are, that does not mean he would like me to "say hello to his little friend."

So, where does that leave me? Still eating my orgasms. And before anyone suggests it, a close encounter with an adult toy would NOT solve anything. It does not satisfy what I am craving, which is the seduction and responses of another person.

So, that is my rant. Sorry it does not have a happy ending.
 
I know this is a Poly site and I consider myself to be poly, but sometimes a good sexual encounter is just what the doctor ordered. Richard and I occassionally go to the local Swinger club. The last time we went, we met a couple there. There was a good bit of mutual attraction all the way around. They let us know that they are fairly aggressive sexual partners. We stayed in touch with them and decided to invite them over last night. It was hot hot hot!!
Also- It is very easy to find single males who are willing to step in and give you exactly what you need. Because there is such a large supply of these willing men, and there is a lot of competition, you can have your choice. There are lots of these guys with tons of certifications from the women and the husbands saying that they are gentlemen and very respectful etc......
Just a thought.....I'm all about getting my needs met.....and sometimes that involves finding someone who can meet them!! Good luck!!
 
I agree with Idealist. :)

There is a certain method to the madness though. Really teasing someone up to the event, is what gets that sex good and rough. Otherwise it just feels scripted.
 
Got say thats a very catchy title.. got me to look. My first thought was whats it taste like...don't say chicken either.:)

But it doesn't sound like the orgasm is actually the thing tied to the eating but rather the seduction and the hunger for lusty human contact...maybe more animal like contact...primal. You said sex toys and orgasms do nothing to gratify the urge.

What do you eat during these.... events. Do you know you're doing it while it's happening or only later...after the fact. How long have you been doing this?

Does the eating make this urge go away? Or just make you tired? ...less interested.
 
What do you eat during these.... events. Do you know you're doing it while it's happening or only later...after the fact. How long have you been doing this?

Does the eating make this urge go away? Or just make you tired? ...less interested.

My eating disorder manifested itself the same year I became sexually active. Of course, I did not realize it was an eating disorder then. I knew what anorexia and bulimia are, but did not know those are just a few kinds of the ED that happen. Only a few years ago did I actually recognize it for what it is and only recently have I faced the fact that my sexual frustration is directly related to my binges.

So, to answer your questions: What I eat varies, but usually something "decadent" and rich tasting. I have been doing this since I was 16 but it is most troublesome when I do not have a fulfilling sex life. Eating does not get rid of my sexual needs, it only dulls them. Kind of like eating a cracker when you are starving. It may take the edge off the hunger, but it doesn't actually satisfy.

Now that I have identified the problem, I am much more aware of what is going on when it happens. The other night, I knew what I really wanted was sex, but that was not available to me so I ate instead.

It isn't that orgasms and toys are worthless in this situation, but just like the food - they only take the edge off. As someone else said, it is lusty human contact I crave. Neither a sex toy nor a brownie can give me that.

As a slight aside, I talked to my DH about it last night. He knows I am missing sex. Since he is battling depression (mostly job related) he has not been in the mood for a very long time. He says it has nothing to do with me, he just isn't interested in sex at all. Well, whatever the cause, the result is the same. I am left feeling frustrated and unwanted. So yeah, this pretty much sucks.
 
I can't tell you what to do, I can only talk about myself here.

I think that monogamy is an unnatural idea that causes me to split mind from body. My body wants one thing and my mind has been trained to shut that down because it isn't right. That basic self-deceit will cause me to do a lot of self-destructive behavior, over-eating being one of them.

The answer for me was to remove the idea of monogamy all together. When I did that, my reasons for having sex with a woman or relating to people in general changed immensely.

One of the big changes has been an awareness of my own body. I pay attention to the underlying emotional dialogue between myself and another person by 'listening' with my body instead of just listening with my ears. This has everything to do with having open, honest, and loving relationships which are a prerequisite to fulfilling sex.
 
So I fess up to my DH "Honey, I miss sex" and the product of that conversation is basically that because he is working so much, fighting depression and stressed out all the time, he really isn't ever in the mood. I am to understand (says he) that it has nothing to do with me and not that he does not find me attractive anymore, he just is not interested in sex.

While I am sure he would be willing to let me use his body for the greater good, I am really not excited about the idea of just having a body. I realized that I want a PARTICIPANT.

So, here I am craving a lusty encounter and frustrated beyond belief. DH says he does not have the energy to put into any new relationships, but he seems okay with me finding a "boyfriend." I am suspicious. If I do find someone to spend time with, including a physical relationship, I am worried that DH will start to resent.

Mentally chasing my tail - that is what this feels like.
 
The good thing is, he's open to you finding another partner. There's some guilt to work through though, from what you've posted.

I hope you can sort it out and get what you need.
 
because he is working so much, fighting depression and stressed out all the time, he really isn't ever in the mood. I am to understand (says he) that it has nothing to do with me and not that he does not find me attractive anymore, he just is not interested in sex.
All the understanding in the world doesn't stop the feeling of rejection and frustration. What he's going through isn't uncommon in men; although the perception is usually that men want sex all the time, and if they don't then something must be wrong! But we are all human and affected by the world around us.

He's giving you the opportunity to help yourself. I imagine that he'll be feeling bad that he can't give you what you needs sexually and emotionally so this is a way that he can give to you. I would keep the situation monitored, if you meet someone, keep the communication flowing. Y'know what? He might even feel the pressure lift from himself and his sex drive might start to re-awaken.
 
Y'know what? He might even feel the pressure lift from himself and his sex drive might start to re-awaken.
actually i thought the same thing.
only: if you want, don't let him feel closed out as soon as/if DH starts showing to be interested in the new "story".
(if he'll totally close, well, then you'll see.)
 
When Dark Wendigo and I first began seeing each other, it had been years since he and Pretty Lady had intercourse. A few months into our relationship, Pretty Lady thanked me for taking care of his needs in a way she couldn't and was surprised to find that she was starting to be interested in sex again. It was a bumpy road and eventually life conspired to put them in a housing situation that allows them no privacy for physical intimacy, but I know that it was healing for them both to reconnect in that way, even for a short while and I was definitely given a gift when she extended that connection to me.
 
First, thanks for all of the supportive comments. I feel like I have been a little whiny, but thanks for not pointing that out!

I am trying to show myself some compassion on this issue instead of my typical "suck it up Mandie" attitude. I am so tired of feeling bad for having needs. I realized that it has been (gulp) over a year since we had intercourse. No wonder I am feeling frustrated. Sex isn't everything, but I do feel that it is part of a healthy life and relationship. If I wanted to be celibate I would have become a nun.

Comical aside, I have to tell you that I am close to making a fool of myself with my neighbor. The situation would be funny if it weren't so pathetic. He and I were talking about some software that he is programming for my retail business and I was having trouble concentrating on the conversation because my mind kept wandering to carnal thoughts. Good grief, I sound like a pubescent girl!
 
You dont sound whiny, and sex and hormones are not just for teenagers! Good grief, I'm 56 and have one of the highest libidos in this greater Boston metropolis.

Thank god, so does my newest lover (he's 59), because I was wearing my gf out. She's more horny now that the pressure is off, just sayin.
 
It's quite possible that if you get another male partner who is really hot for you and you start enjoying sex again, your primary partner may suddenly become interested. Things work like that sometimes!
 
I'd say there are two separate issues going on here.

1. I'm not sure polyamory is really what you need in this situation. To be a bit blunt, you need a good dicking. : P You're focusing on this hot neighbor because he seems accessible, but if your husband gave you to the go-ahead to explore your options a bit, you could go on OKCupid or something like it and find a guy with a vigorous sex style on about 10 seconds flat. This doesn't mean you need to find an extra boyfriend or fall in love with this other person; sex alone should be enough.

2. Even if you manage to sort out the sexual issues in your relationship (either by getting your husband's libido up or finding others to bone), you may still wish to work on the root causes of the ED. While it's great to get sex to avoid overeating, it would still be nice if you weren't at all at risk of plunging back into the spiral should your sex life take a dip.
 
So I fess up to my DH "Honey, I miss sex" and the product of that conversation is basically that because he is working so much, fighting depression and stressed out all the time, he really isn't ever in the mood. I am to understand (says he) that it has nothing to do with me and not that he does not find me attractive anymore, he just is not interested in sex.

This was me a while back. I went through a long period where I just didn't want sex. I was stressed because of things inside and out. Work was sucking, I took a series of blows to my self-esteem, and money all conspired to keep me stressed. My reaction to stress is to pull back from people because I don't want to hurt anyone. Sadly BrigidsDaughter's reaction to stress is the exact opposite. Thankfully when she stated seeing Wendigo it took the pressure of her needing sex so much off of me, taking a little more off my plate and letting me focus on other areas, which helped me sort through them and now I've made a come back swinging, as it where.

And as for the eating, I understand that too. I have a few pressure release valves for stress (my hobbies, mostly). When they are unavailable to me for various reasons I start snacking. I don't mean to do it, it just kind of happens. If I watch myself I can catch myself and fend off the urges, but it's an uphill battle for the most part.

I sympathize for you and hope you can get what you need without all the eating.
 
I'd say there are two separate issues going on here.

1. I'm not sure polyamory is really what you need in this situation. To be a bit blunt, you need a good dicking. : P You're focusing on this hot neighbor because he seems accessible, but if your husband gave you to the go-ahead to explore your options a bit, you could go on OKCupid or something like it and find a guy with a vigorous sex style on about 10 seconds flat. This doesn't mean you need to find an extra boyfriend or fall in love with this other person; sex alone should be enough.

2. Even if you manage to sort out the sexual issues in your relationship (either by getting your husband's libido up or finding others to bone), you may still wish to work on the root causes of the ED. While it's great to get sex to avoid overeating, it would still be nice if you weren't at all at risk of plunging back into the spiral should your sex life take a dip.

Wow. Okay, let me take these one at at time, with the easier one first. (#2). I guess I didn't really make it clear before, but I am in fact being treated for my eating disorder. It has been something I have battled for (wow) 20 years now and I'm sure it will always be there. Fortunately I have a great support system. I could give you all of the background and "root causes" but that would take a while. What is more important is where I am now with my recovery. I took a major step recently in recognizing that I was replacing sex with food.

Which brings me back to #1. I can't agree with you here, not for me and my situation. The semi-celibate lifestyle I have been dealing with did not happen overnight and a good lay is not going to correct it (however much fun it might be). I am not really interested in having sex with a stranger. Not because I have to be in love with someone to have sex with him/her, but because the building of sexual tension and arousal is something I enjoy almost as much as the act itself. Hell, if I am being honest I sometimes like the build up even more! The first few times I met our neighbor (the current object of my lust) I was not even attracted to him. As we got to know each other better my sexual interest developed and well, you know the situation now. It is true that I would not be quite so obsessed with these fantasies of him if I had a healthy sex life, but a quickie with the online flavor of the month would not change it. :p Please realize that I am only talking about me and my own situation - I am not judging how other people find their partners.

You are right about one thing - polyamory is not the solution to this problem. I say that because I don't consider being polyamorous a solution - it's just who we are. We (DH and I) are not polyamorous because we have a problem in our relationship to solve. In fact, if we did have a shaky relationship this would be a BAD idea. Fortunately, we are both comfortable with ourselves and our relationship.

I am kind of on a high right now because we had a heart to heart last night that reaffirmed our openness and our wish to see each other happy. :D As Idealist mentioned, I think my having a sexual outlet with another partner will actually help my DH. He has said that he finds my confidence extremely sexy. Well, as time has gone by, that confidence has eroded. If he sees me happier and more confident it may rekindle some of his own interest. Also, he is relieved at having some of the pressure off of him to "perform" as it were. Feeling pressured does nothing good for his libido. He would definitely relate to what Runicwolf said.

Even though my sexual situation has not changed yet, I already feel like a weight has been lifted because I know I am no longer ignoring my needs and DH is 100% in accord.
 
Which brings me back to #1. I can't agree with you here, not for me and my situation.

Alrighty, I guess I was mistakenly projecting a bit of my own situation onto yours; hence the confusion. I also find myself in a relationship getting less sex than I would like, and for me, sex with random other people would be quite satisfying. This may be one of the general differences between the sexes though.

Also, I'm glad to hear you're getting help IRL for the eating disorder. Sorry if I came off as flippant or harsh in my original message. I just wanted to make sure you weren't relying entirely on the internet for medical advice (which a lot of people have been prone to doing.)
 
Alrighty, I guess I was mistakenly projecting a bit of my own situation onto yours; hence the confusion. I also find myself in a relationship getting less sex than I would like, and for me, sex with random other people would be quite satisfying. This may be one of the general differences between the sexes though.

First, NO need to apologize. If I sounded offended - I was not. Just the inherent flaws of communicating with strangers through typed words only, I guess. It is easy get the wrong impression.

Having said that, please don't overreact to this next statement either. I would be VERY careful categorizing the "general differences of the sexes" on a community board like this. I mean, we are all here because we don't fit the mold, right?

I have actually found that my views on sex fit the stereotypical male far more than the female. And I don't think that makes me weird, I think it makes the stereotypes a crock of bull. Women love sex. We love it for the zing factor every bit as much as men. But we are brought up to believe that if we like sex the same as men that makes us "that kind of girl." Well, I am that kind of girl and proud of it! Oi, don't get me started on gender-typing.

Anyway, I will stick to my personal feelings and not claim to speak for all of woman-kind. I am a very aggressive lover and prefer passion to tenderness. I love a good snuggle, but it does not turn me on. In fact, being cuddly will pretty much kill my sexual buzz. For me, they are difference emotions and impulses. On the other hand, my DH is very much into tenderness during lovemaking. We had some awful times in our relationship trying to force our sexual desires to be completely compatible. And it almost destroyed our marriage. Accepting our sexual differences was very liberating.

Now, I am not saying that he and I never like sex together. We are very much in love and we do enough it. But monogamy, for us, would be like never leaving the house. We love our home, but we appreciate coming home even more after being away. And if we never left it would start to feel cramped and boring.

Okay, that is kind of a lame metaphor, but you get the idea. It is the best I can do after working a long day and still being awake at 11:18pm. :p

I kind of got off on a tangent here, but one other thing I did want to say is that I am not closed to the idea of some random sex occasionally, in fact I would like it for the more kinky elements of my sexuality. I have a domme streak that I would like to let loose, but I do not want that all of the time and I don't want to have a social relationship with my sub. But in general, I'd like the chance to enjoy the seduction a lot longer than I would get meeting someone online and heading straight to a motel.

And with that, I must go.
 
I have actually found that my views on sex fit the stereotypical male far more than the female. And I don't think that makes me weird, I think it makes the stereotypes a crock of bull. Women love sex. We love it for the zing factor every bit as much as men. But we are brought up to believe that if we like sex the same as men that makes us "that kind of girl." Well, I am that kind of girl and proud of it! Oi, don't get me started on gender-typing.
*like* !!
 
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